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"THE longer we live," it is said, "the more we shall see;" but, in opposition to the above old adage, the quibblers assert, there is nothing NEW under the Sun. !" But we most decidedly enter our protest against this doctrine, and the TALE, or Circumstance,' we are about to unfold, will enable us to show that we have quite a NEW FEATURE in the history of our times, to lay before the public.

It is true, that we have heard of the mighty doings of the Flying Childers; the Phenomenon Trotting Mare; the out-and-out Tom Thumb; and the celebrated Eclipse. We have also seen Mr. Ducrow perform his unrivalled feats with his wonderful cattle; in fact, every thing connected with horses, has excited our attention, from the high-mettled racer down to the crib-biters, roarers, jibbers, and Rosinantes of all descriptions; but, most certainly, we

2.

SHAVING A HORSE!!!

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to have a 'Battle of Brains' between themselves; and the Commissioners accordingly sat as umpires upon the occasion. The above cause excited considerable interest amongst the contending parties, as a question of some considerable importance between the Barbatics of the metropolis and the dealers in horseflesh. The court was crowded to excess by the above description of characters; and numerous bets were laid-such as a gallon of ale to two quarts of heavy whet, and a bottle of rum to a quartern of max; both parties were very sanguine as to the verdict; therefore, it was the 'Barbatic against the Prad ;' and, on the other hand, the 'Hanimal against the Barbatic.'

The case was opened by Mr. Field, the horse shaver; most certainly, not in that superlative style of eloquence, which distinguishes the celebrated orations of Counsellor Phillips, who possesses the extraordinary facility of language to give elegance to a mud cabin, and also to paint the heroine of it in all the glowing charms of a Venus de Medicis ; yet, nevertheless, Mr. Field opened his case in prime twig. He not only lathered his subject well, but shaved it from all doubts as clean as a whistle; and also convinced the Commissioners that he had got a head upon his shoulders, and 'summut' inside of it. He, however, apologized for the awkwardness of his situation, and said he would be as brief as possible.' He had been told by one of his customers that 'Brevity was the soul of wit;' therefore, he would come to the point at once, without any more gammon. His appearance in the Court of Conscience, Mr. Field admitted, was quite a new feature in his history; it was most true, that he had had, in his little way of business, a great deal more to do with the head than with the heart; he, therefore, was extremely sorry that he could not quote Latin to answer his purpose, in order that he might put his argument in a proper train for the clear comprehension of the Com. missioners, whom he was given to understand were learned men, and much above his humble station in life. But he remembered reading somewhere or other, that when " Needs must, the Devil drives." That was his case; indeed, he was very much confined in his circumstances! Time was his principal capital; and the sum of Thirty Shillings much too large to be absent from his empty till. He, therefore, appeared in the extraordinary situation of a Barber, to obtain Thirty Shillings for SHAVING A HORSE!

"Shaving a horse!" exclaimed the Commissioners; the court convulsed with laughter.

"Yes, your Worship, 'pon my soul, it's no lie; the defendant, Mr. Wells, who is in court, brought his horse to me to be shaved."

It appeared that the Barbatic (the plaintiff) was a man of first rate abilities as an artiste in his most useful line, not only to give decency to his Majesty's re-formed subjects, but also to give them a clean imposing sort of look in

society; or, in other words, a prepossessing appearance. No man could CUT a head' with more elegance and taste than Mr. Field; indeed, he operated with the scissars with all that sort of ease and freedom, which characterise the hands of an artist in sketching the (human face divine!) With the razor he was equally an adept, and expert to the echo that applauds again; he could remove a beard of a week's growth from the iron cheek of a blacksmith, in a twinkling; in fact, his powers of tidivation were immense; he could lop off the exuberant hairs of a Numscull, like electricity; but for the production of a curl, he was the tippy, the go, the non-such: in truth, Mr. Field was a nonpareil Barbutic; and no doubt can be expressed, that he was the identical man to perform the difficult job in dispute before the Commissioners.

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The plaintiff, in continuation, stated, that the horse was shaved with the intention of having a new coat,' upon the animal.' "Now, Gentlemen," said he, "that was an excellent, nay better, an original idea, and leaving the taste of the thing altogether, it showed that Mr. Wells had some nous in his head. A new coat! every body is aware of the great advantages of a new coat in society-the bows, the scrapes, and the polite nods it brings to the wearer. It is like meeting an old friend with a new face!"

Here a friend of the magistrates whispered to one of the commissioners, saying, it has been observed by the witty George Colman,

What's expected from a horse, with an Apothecary on his back?

not much, perhaps, but when there is an artist to be found in the world that can effect so desirable a change-to metamorphose a horse with a rugged, ugly, dingy, uncouth appearance; to remove a coat as rough and unsightly as a hedgehog; and, strange to say, to give him a new feature at Tattersall's, the Horse Bazaar, or Jack Morris's establishment, and turn him out as a complete new article to surprise, the gentlemen; to humbug the Jerveys; take in the dealers in horseflesh; and the auctioneer, not up to it,'-why then I do assert the talents of such a barber or any other artist are cheap at any price.

The plaintiff said, the horse had been attempted to be shaved by the defendant on the part of the rump, but, from the want of skill in the art, the poor beast was most miserably notched; and, indeed, he was quite a sight. The defendant also got tired after four hours' working, when he threw down the razor and pot of lather with disgust, vexation, and disappointment, and, in his rage, swore it was a worse attempt than washing a blackamoor white. The poor teazed horse was then handed over to the plaintiff to finish the job, "And a precious job it was," said he, "the razors in my shop were in a state of requisition for ten days, during which time the shaving was going on. It was nothing else

but lather and sharpen, lather and sharpen the razor from day-light in the morning until the darkness of the night gave him some relief. I was also obliged as I went on, to wrap up the bald parts to prevent the horse from catching cold. It was totally impossible that the Commissioners could have any idea of the trouble he had had-they could not possibly judge of the difficulty of SHAVING A HORSE; comparisons were out of the question in shaving themselves (roars of laughter). It was a different sort of business altogether, and he defied any barbatic to "go over" such a sized animal for less than three shillings per day, besides going over the chins of his usual customers in the same time. In truth, his customers had but a sorry time of it; he had had so much to do with the previous kicker that he could only give them a "lick and a promise[incessant peals of laughter.]

Mr. Myers, of St. Michael's Alley, one of the worthy commissioners, endeavoured to assume a gravity if he possessed it not; and, with as stern a countenance as the chancellor on the woolsack, asked what objection was made to the charge?

The defendant (Mr.Wells) said, that he considered the sum of 30s. for merely taking the hair off a horse certainly too much; especially as he had done a good deal of the job himself.

The plaintiff, with much warmth, declared that the part on which the defendant had attempted to operate was so badly done that, if it had not been shaved again, the coat of the horse would have been as rough upon the rump as a hand-saw; while, on the contrar, all the rest was as smooth as the body of a new-born-babe [roars of laughter; and the cry of silence useless].

The defendant said, that any horse-clipper would have completed the business for much less money.

The plaintiff, in a rage, answered, it was impossible: it was true, he had never shaved a horse before, and it would be lucky for them if they ever caught him in such a predicament again-it was a regular sweater! He had lost at least, by the violent exercise he had undergone in performing the disagreeable task, added to the fears of getting a kick for his pains every minute, upwards of a stone and a half in his weight. And, if he undertook any more jobs of such a dangerous description, he was afraid that he should lose so much flesh off his bones that the boys in the neighbourhood, would shout out, "there he goes, the living skeleton" [loud laughter]. The perspiration had rolled down his cheeks like soap-suds down a gulley-hole -he never was in such a pickle before in the whole course of his life.

Mr. Myers asked the defendant what he generally paid for a shave for himself?

The defendant (feeling his chin), Why, two pence I think is generally the price.

Mr. Myers.-Aye, a penny a check! Now, how many of your jaws do you think would

make up for the size of a horse? [The laughter was here so loud that some time elapsed before the reply could be heard.]

The defendant said such a question ought to have been put to the accountant-general, who was a dab in figures, and not to an unlettered man like himself; indeed, it was a subject for a master in chancery to give an opinion upon. One thing he knew, they had got him in chancery, and he wished himself well out of it. But he was sure there was less delicacy required in shaving a horse than a man!

Mr. Myers, with one of Jack Reeve's sort of comical flourishes, observed, not a bit more than in shaving an ASS!

[It was some minutes before the court resumed its gravity.]

The plaintiff, with a face full of anxiety, said, only look at a horse, and the chance of a kick from him might spoil any man all the days of his life afterwards. Besides, I went over the beast as clean as possible. I turned him out as smooth as a looking glass, and as nice as a new made pin, down to the fet-locks. He was completely metamorphosed; the old ostler that had looked after him for several months did not know him again-no one knew him again-I did not know him, he was so much altered for the better. [Laughter.]

Mr. Myers said he was surprised at the refusal to pay thirty shillings for the job: indeed, he always thought it impossible to perform a thing of the kind: and he believed that to be the general belief; for was it not usual for people to say, when they heard a bouncing lie, next comes a horse to be shaved, and a monkey holds the bason. [Roars of laughter.]

The plaintiff said that it was a very hard matter to shave some parts of a horse; because the skin here and there, upon being tickled, itched very much. He was very near getting, at one time, a settler for life!-it was all but' a Coroner's Inquest. His dear wife had nearly become a widow, and his children left fatherless. He, herefore, hoped that the Commissioners would take that circumstance into their most serious consideration; not that he asked for any thing like damages to be awarded to him, but to show to the Commissioners, to the world, to the whole race of horse-dealers, from one end of the kingdom to the other, that his claim was well founded, just, and honourable. It might also operate as a precedent, in future what sum ought to be paid for SHAVING A HORSE; and save a great deal of argument at the bar, whenever a case like the above stated be determined by the Big Wigs! For his choice, he would rather go over an army of soldiers, for they were steady, and no mistake, to the word "at tention," soldiers pay the greatest respect and deference; but what could a simple Barber do against an obstropolis horse; an animal that frequently would not answer the whip; play tricks in spite of the curb; kick over the traces; and bolt' right away from all his drivers, and no help for it. But

to shave a horse was any thing but a treat: one pill was a dose; and if he could not use his razors to a better purpose than horse shaving, he would let them get rusty, and throw stones to a pavior. He would have no more of it. [The defendant was then ordered to pay thirty shillings and costs.]-"And not cheap, neither," said Mr. Wells; "You have not only made me pay for shaving my hörse extravagantly; but you have shaved my pockets into the bargain,-you have cleaned me out. I never was so much lathered before in my life; and this 'Knight of the Block' has beaten me against my will.

[The plaintiff, on pocketing the cash, said, with a smile, "Well, never mind, Mr. Wells, come as often as you like, without your horse, and I'll shave you for nothing."]

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The finale to this Shaving Case,' was quite theatrical indeed, it is not 100 to 1, but either Mr. Moncrieff, or Mr. Buxton, do not seize upon the subject for theatrical representation, and it makes its appearance, with great eclat at the Adelphi or Coburg Theatres. The Knights of the Block' were crowing like cocks at the successful termination of the event; and a proposition was made to cheerno, to chair' the eloquent Dicky Gossip' to his residence; but his modesty and good sense would not let him partake of that mark of distinction which his friends, in their good nature, wished to confer upon his humble efforts. Mr. Field took his leave, like other great orators in the public cause, by observing, "That he had done no more than his duty, and although he did not like to ruff himself off, yet he might aver, that if he had not powder-ed his opponent, he had, nevertheless, shaved him clean respecting his errors of payment for SHAVING A HORSE; and that his antagonist had had a fair Field to try the contest in; but that he had shown himself little more than a Block-head, to suffer his conscience to be summoned into Court upon such a subject."

THE HORSE DEALER.

We are not sufficiently aware whether the facetious Tommy Hood has been out-jockied, or the double' put upon him, by any of the dealers in horse-flesh in London, respecting 'soundness,' but, it does appear that his opinions are not only sound about those 'good sort' of folks to be met with in stable yards, Smithfield market, &c., yet he endeavours to get the whip-hand of them before the public, by laying 'his lash' on their hides, like 'cut and come again.' He observes, without ceremony, that a "horse-dealer is a double-dealer, for he dealeth more in double meanings than your punster. When he giveth his word it signifieth little, howbeit it standeth for two significations. He putteth his promises, like his colts, in a break. Over his mouth, Truth, like the turnpike man, writeth up 'No Trust.' Whenever he speaketh, his spoke hath more turns than the fore wheel. He telleth lies, not white only, or black,

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but likewise gray, bay, bald, chesnut, brown, cream, and roan pyebald, and skewbald. He sweareth as many oaths out of court as any man, and more in; for he will swear two ways about a horse's dam. If, by God's grace, he be something honest, it is only a dapple, for he can be fair and unfair at once. He hath much imagination, for he selleth a complete set of capital harness of which there be no traces. He advertiseth a coach, warranted on its first wheels, and truly the hind pair are wanting to the bargain. A carriage that hath travelled twenty summers and winters, he describeth well-seasoned. He knocketh down machine-horses that have been knocked up on the road, but is so tender of heart to his animals, that he parteth with none for a fault; "for," as he sayeth, "blindness or lameness be misfortunes." A nag, proper only for dog's meat he writeth down, but crieth up, go to any hounds;" or as may be, "would suit a timid gentleman." String-halt he calleth, grand action," and kicking, "lifting the feet well up." If a mare have the farcical disease, he nameth her "out of Comedy," and selleth Blackbird for a racer, because he hath a running thrush. Horses that drink only water he justly warranteth to be "temperate," and if dead lame, declareth them "good in all their paces," seeing that they can go but one. Roaring he calleth "sound," and a steed that high bloweth in running, he compareth to Eclipse, for he outstrippeth the wind. Another might be entered at a steeple-chase, for why ?-He is as fast as a church. Thorough-pin with him is synonymous with "perfect leg.' nag cougheth, 'tis "a clever hack." knees be fractured, he is "well broke for gig or saddle." If he reareth, he is "above sixteen hands high." If he hath drawn a tierce in a cart, he is a good fencer. If he biteth he shows good courage; and he is playful merely, though he should play the devil. If he runneth away he calleth him "off the Gretna road, and has been used to carry a lady." If a cob stumbleth he considereth him a true goer, and addeth, "the proprietor parteth from him to go abroad." Thus, without much profession of religion, yet is he truly Christian-like in practice, for he dealeth not in detraction, and would not disparage the character even of a brute. Like unto Love, he is blind unto all blemishes, and seeth only a virtue, meanwhile he gazeth at a vice. He taketh the kick of a nag's hoof like a love-token, saying only, before standers by," Poor fellow, he knoweth me!"-and is content rather to pass as a bad rider than that the horse should be held restive, or over mettlesome, which discharges him from its back! If it hath bitten him besides, and moreover bruised his limb against a coachwheel, then, constantly returning good for evil, he giveth it but the better character, and recommendeth it before all the studs in his stable. In short, the worse a horse may be, the more he chaunteth his praise, like a crow that croweth over Old Ball, whose lot it is on a common to meet with a common lot.

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TRICKS OF HORSE DEALERS.

In order to dispose of a diseased horse with facility, says Mr. Youat in his Veterinary Lectures, they deem it expedient to conceal the existence of glanders, to accomplish which the dealers are said sometimes to give a brushing gallop, in order to clear the air passages; they then inject a solution of alum, or sulphuric acid, up the nostrils, by the astringent power of which the discharge is for a while stayed. The animal is doubtless tortured; but can hardly believe that the astringent effect would continue so long, or in fact could be established, from the improbability of being able to bring the liquid in contact with the diseased surface. When the discharge is from one nostril alone, some are said to introduce a piece of sponge too far up that nostril; there will still remain, however, the indurated and adherent gland, or the lividness of chronic glanders, or the intense inflammation produced by the caustic that was injected; either of these would excite suspicion, and, if the examiner is at all on his guard lead to certain detection.

THE DOG BILLY.

This celebrated Hero of the canine race, to the great joy of the rats, lost his wind on Monday, February 23, 1829, in Panton-street, Haymarket. The body-snatchers and dogpriggers are outdone upon this suit, and the remains of Billy, instead of being obscured in clay, are preserved in an elegant glass case and gilt frame. The Ex-Champion, Tom Cribb, who liked BILLY when alive, still likes him although told out. Billy was the property of Charley Aistrop when he last barked out an adieu; although Cribb was his tender nurse up to the time when he gave up the ghost. The rats,

is said, are extremely glad to find that Billy has left no successor to give them a nip !

MONODY ON THE ABOVE RAT KILLER.
Not a bark was heard-but a hideous growl
Burst now and then-or a piteous howl-
(For grief will have vent, in man or brute,
When the cause is great, and the sense acute.)
Not a bark was heard-but a mournful whine
Broke in cadence slow from the race canine;
And the prick'd-up ear, and the wagging tail,
Were drooping low 'mid the gen'ral wail.
Not a bark was heard-for the warlike hound
Had ceas'd o'er the hedge and ditch to bound,
And the timid stag, with his antlers tall,
Shook no more at the sound of the huntsman's call.
Not a bark was heard-for the mastiff bluff
liad inactive crouch'd, and his voice so gruff
Was hush'd, as the wind on a summer's eve,
So o'erwhelming the pang when mastiffs grieve.
Not a bark was heard-e'en the snarling cur
Had his ivories clos'd-and without demur
The dustman, and beggar, and sweep let pass,
So down in the mouth the whole race, alas !
Not a bell was toll'd-not a shop was shut,
Nor a searcher deign'd her fives to put
On the lifeless corse of the Prince of Dogs,
Whose history every history flogs.

Not a bark was heard-but a lively squeak
Was echoed from rat to rat (a whole week),
From Whitechapel church to Piccadilly,

of "Long life to grim Death-for boning BILLY!"

DAFFY.

THE COUNTRY MANAGER.

"I could a tale unfold, whose lightest word WouldSHAKSPEARE.

"The manager welcomed our hero to Scanty Corner with a most flattering smile, and a hearty shake of the hand, observing to PEREGRINE, "Your lordship's right welcome to Denmark." SCREW was a complete actor in every part he undertook, excepting characters upon the stage. No man knew his cue better than the Brown Paper Manager. He was always perfect without the aid of a prompter The entrances and exits of life he had marked with a shrewdness scarcely equalled, but never excelled, by any of his brethren of the sock and buskin. SCREW had self-possession to the very echo; but his feelings, except professionally, were like the rock on which the rain that printless falls: yet he could laugh

and cry

Mr.

herever those incidents were set down in his manuscript, and sometimes with tolerable humour, and even pathos. In his portraiture of bronze no artist could compete with him. His stock was so immense that he could have furnished twenty cross-examining Old Bailey Barristers, without missing a single drop of it. In pursuit of a be-speak, he was not to be denied with the common courtesies of life: rebuffs to him were never remembered; the door shut against his repeated calls was no offence; but he solicited, solicited, and solicited again, till the besieged party had no other resource left to get rid of his importunities but by granting him his request. He was never seen to blush in the whole course of his eventful history; and often candidly confessed he could not represent such a passage, however strongly it might have been marked by the author. SCREW and his name were never at variance, admitting the extremity of the pun. He was a most careful treasurer to himself, and always had a good balance in his own favour. His superior knowledge of accounts, in dividing the shares of the receipts of his house between the company was above the comprehension of all his performers: the Accountant General would have had no chance with Mr. Screw; and COCKER driven out of the field. He was prepared at all points to treat with a stage-struck youth: Mr. SCREW baited his trap so ensnaringly that his heroes were caught, for a time, as fast as if they had been keld by a vice; and when the delusion had subsided a little, the Brown Paper Manager was so well versed in the arts of dissimulation as to obtain a conquest a second time, by persuading his "fresh caught victim" that he would form a better judgment on the merits of the case when time had mellowed his opinions. The weakness of youth answered his purpose; and to manage the unsuspecting person was mere routine to Mr. Screw. His travels from town to town had done more for him towards obtaining a perfect knowledge of mankind, and an intimate acquaintance

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