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EPIGRA M. From the FRENCH *.


HO can believe with common sense,
A bacon-flice gives God offence;

Or, how a herring hath a charm
Almighty vengeance to disarm ?
Wrapt up in Majesty divine,

Does he regard on what we dine?

On a CURATE'S Complaint of HARD DUTY.


MARCH'D three miles through fcorching fand,
With zeal in heart, and notes in hand:

I rode four more to Great St. Mary,

Ufing four legs, when two were weary:
To three fair virgins I did tie men,
In the close bands of pleafing Hymen :
I dipp'd two babes in holy water,
And purify'd their mother after.
Within an hour and eke a half,

I preach'd three congregations deaf;
Where thundering out, with lungs long-winded,
I chopp'd fo faft, that few there minded.
My emblem, the laborious fun,

Saw all these mighty labours done
Before one race of his was run.
All this perform'd by Robert Hewit:

What mortal elfe could e'er go through it!


* Written extempore by a gentleman who was reproved by fome of his companions for eating eggs and bacon on a fast-day.

H 2

A True


A True and Faithful INVENTORY of the GOODS belonging to Dr. SWIFT, Vicar of LARACOR; Upon lending his Houfe to the Bishop of MEATH, till his Palace was re-built.

AN oaken, broken elbow-chair;

A cawdle-cup, without an ear;
A batter'd, fhatter'd ash bedstead;
A box of deal, without a lid;
A pair of tongs, but out of joint;
A back-sword poker, without point;
A pot that 's crack'd across, around
With an old knotted garter bound;
An iron lock, without a key;

A wig, with hanging, quite grown grey;
A curtain worn to half a stripe;

A pair of bellows, without pipe;

A difh which might good meat afford once;
An Ovid, and an old Concordance;
A bottle-bottom, wooden platter,
One is for meal, and one for water :
There likewise is a copper skillet,
Which runs as faft out as you fill it;
A candlestick, fnuff-dish, and fave-all:
And thus his houfho'd-goods you have all,
Thefe to your Lordship, as a friend,
Till you have built, 1 freely lend :
They'll ferve your Lordship for a fhift;
Why not, as well as Doctor Swift?




Written at Windfor, 1713.

HE fhepherds and the nymphs were seen
Pleading before the Cyprian Queen.

The counfel for the fair began,

Accufing the falfe creature man.

The brief with weighty crimes was charg'd,
On which the pleader much enlarg’d;
That Cupid now has loft his art,
Or blunts the point of every dart ;-
His altar now no longer finokes,
His mother's aid no youth invokes :
This tempts freethinkers to refine,
And bring in doubt their powers divine;
Now love is dwindled to intrigue,
And marriage grown a money-league.
Which crimes aforefaid (with her leave)
Were (as he humbly did conceive)


Against our fovereign lady's peace,

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Against the ftatute in that cafe,

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The nymphs with fcorn beheld their foes: When the d fendant's counfel rofe,


*Founded on an offer of marriage made by Mifs Vanhomrigh to Dr. Swift, who was occafionally her preceptor. The lady's unhappy story is well known.

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And, what no lawyer ever lack'd,

With impudence own'd all the fa&t;

But, what the gentlest heart would vex,


Laid all the fault on t'other fex.

That modern love is no fuch thing
As what those ancient poets fing;
A fire celeftial, chaste, refin'd,
Conceiv'd and kindled in the mind;


Which, having found an equal flame,
Unites, and both become the fame,
In different breasts together burn,
Together both to ashes turn.
But women now feel no fuch fire,
And only know the grofs defire.
Their paffions move in lower spheres,
Where'er caprice or folly steers..
A dog, a parrot, or an ape,

Or fome worfe brute in human shape,
Ingrofs the fancies of the fair,



The few foft moments they can spare,
From vifits to receive and pay;
From fcandal, politicks, and play;

From fans, and flounces, and brocades,..


From equipage and park-parades,

From all the thoufand female toys,.

From every trifle that employs

The out or infide of their heads,

Between their toilets and their beds.


In a dull stream, which moving flow,

You hardly fee the current flow;


If a fmall breeze obftruct the course,

It whirls about, for want of force,

And in its narrow circle gathers

Nothing but chaff, and ftraws, and feathers.
The current of a female mind

Stops thus, and turns with every wind;
Thus whirling round together draws

Fools, fops, and rakes, for chaff and straws.
Hence we conclude, no womens hearts
Are won by virtue, wit, and parts:



Nor are the men of fenfe to blame,

For breafts incapable of flame;

The fault must on the nymphs be plac'd,
Grown fo corrupted in their tafte.


The pleader, having fpoke his beft,
Had witnefs ready to atteft,
Who fairly could on oath depofe,
When questions on the fact arofe,
That every article was true;
Nor further thofe deponents knew:---
Therefore he humbly would infift,
The bill might be with costs difmifs'd.
The caufe appear'd of fo much weight,
That Venus, from her judgement-feat,.
Defir'd them not to talk fo loud,



Elfe the muft interpofe a cloud:

For, if the heavenly folk fhould know.

Thefe pleadings in the courts below,


That mortals here difdain to love,
She ne'er could fhew her face above ;,

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