aunt, or than the reason why you discovered 'Tis not to wound a wanton boy it is a secret. Mrs. Mar. Indeed, my dear, you'll tear another fan, if you don't mitigate those violent airs. Mrs. Mil. O, silly! ha! ha! ha! I could laugh immoderately. Poor Mirabell! His constancy to me has quite destroyed his complaisance for all the world beside. I swear, I never enjoined it him to be so coy.If I had the vanity to think he would obey me, I would command him to show more gallantry-'tis hardly well-bred to be SO particular on one hand, and so insensible on the other. But I despair to prevail, and so let him follow his own way. Ha! ha! ha! pardon me, dear creature, I must laugh, ha! ha! ha! though I grant you 'tis a little barbarous, ha! ha! ha! Mrs. Mar. What pity 'tis so much fine raillery, and delivered with so significant gesture, should be so unhappily directed to miscarry! Mrs. Mil. Ha? dear creature, I ask your pardon-I swear I did not mind you. Mrs. Mar. Mr. Mirabell and you both may think it a thing impossible, when I shall tell him by telling you Mrs. Mil. O dear, what? for it is the same thing if I hear it-ha! ha! ha! Mrs. Mar. That I detest him, hate him, madam. Mrs. Mil. O madam, why, so do I-and yet the creature loves me, ha! ha! ha! How can one forebear laughing to think of it. -I am a sibyl if I am not amazed to think what he can see in me. I'll take my death, I think you are handsomer-and within a year or two as young-if you could but stay for me, I should overtake you-but that cannot be.-Well, that thought makes me melancholic.-Now, I'll be sad. Mrs. Mar. Your merry note may be changed sooner than you think. Mrs. Mil. D'ye say so? Then I'm resolved I'll have a song to keep up my spirits. Enter MINCING. Min. The gentlemen stay but to comb, madam, and will wait on you. Mrs. Mil. Desire Mrs. that is in the next room to sing the song I would have learned yesterday.-You shall hear it, madam —not that there's any great matter in itbut 'tis agreeable to my humor. SONG Set by MR. JOHN ECCLES. Love's but the frailty of the mind, When 'tis not with ambition joined; A sickly flame, which, if not fed, expires, And feeding, wastes in self-consuming fires. Or amorous youth, that gives the joy; Then I alone the conquest prize, If there's delight in love, 'tis when I see That heart, which others bleed for, bleed for me. Enter PETULANT and WITWOUD. Mrs. Mil. Is your animosity composed, gentlemen? Wit. Raillery, raillery, madam; we have no animosity-we hit off a little wit now and then, but no animosity.—The falling-out of wits is like the falling-out of lovers: we agree in the main, like treble and bass.Ha, Petulant? Pet. Ay, in the main-but when I have a humor to contradict Wit. Ay, when he has a humor to contradict, then I contradict too. What, I know my cue. Then we contradict one another like two battledores; for contradictions beget one another like Jews. Pet. If he says black's black-if I have a humor to say 'tis blue-let that pass-all's one for that. If I have a humor to prove it, it must be granted. Wit. Not positively must-but it mayit may. Pet. Yes, it positively must, upon proof positive. Wit. Ay, upon proof positive it must; but upon proof presumptive it only may.— That's a logical distinction now, madam. Mrs. Mar. I perceive your debates are of importance, and very learnedly handled. Pet. Importance is one thing, and learning's another; but a debate's a debate, that I assert. Wit. Petulant's an enemy to learning; he relies altogether on his parts. Pet. No, I'm no enemy to learning; it hurts not me. Mrs. Mar. enemy to you. That's a sign indeed it's no Pet. No, no, it's no enemy to anybody but them that have it. Mrs. Mil. Well, an illiterate man's my aversion: I wonder at the impudence of any illiterate man to offer to make love. Wit. That I confess I wonder at too. Mrs. Mil. Ah! to marry an ignorant that can hardly read or write! Pet. Why should a man be any further from being married, though he can't read, than he is from being hanged? The ordinary's paid for setting the psalm, and the parish priest for reading the ceremony. And for the rest which is to follow in both cases, a man may do it without book-so all's one for that. Mrs. Mil. D'ye hear the creature?-Lord, here's company, I'll be gone. [Exeunt MRS. MIL. and MINCING. Enter SIR WILFULL WITWOUD in a riding dress, followed by Footman. Wit. In the name of Bartlemew and his fair, what have we here? Mrs. Mar. 'Tis your brother, I fancy. Don't you know him? Wit. Not I.-Yes, I think it is he-I've almost forgot him; I have not seen him since the Revolution. Foot. [To SIR WILFULL.] Sir, my lady's dressing. Here's company; if you please to walk in, in the mean time. Sir Wil. Dressing! What, it's but morning here, I warrant, with you in London; we should count it towards afternoon in our parts, down in Shropshire.-Why then, belike, my aunt han't dined yet, ha, friend? Foot. Your aunt, sir? Sir Wil. My aunt, sir! Yes, my aunt, sir, and your lady, sir; your lady is my aunt, sir.-Why, what dost thou not know me, friend? why then send somebody hither that does. How long hast thou lived with thy lady, fellow, ha? Foot. A week, sir; longer than anybody in the house, except my lady's woman. Sir Wil. Why then belike thou dost not know thy lady, if thou seest her, ha, friend? Foot. Why, truly, sir, I cannot safely swear to her face in a morning, before she is dressed. 'Tis like I may give a shrewd guess at her by this time. Sir Wil. Well, prithee try what thou canst do; if thou canst not guess, inquire her out, dost hear, fellow? and tell her, her nephew, Sir Wilfull Witwoud, is in the house. Foot. I shall, sir. Sir Wil. Hold ye, hear me, friend; a word with you in your ear; prithee who are these gallants? Foot. Really, sir, I can't tell; here come so many here, 'tis hard to know 'em all. [Exit. Sir Wil. Oons, this fellow knows less than a starling; I don't think a' knows his own name. Mrs. Mar. Mr. Witwoud, your brother is not behindhand in forgetfulness-I fancy he has forgot you too. Sir Wil. No offence, I hope. [Salutes MRS. MARWOOD. Mrs. Mar. No, sure, sir. Wit. This is a vile dog, I see that already. No offence! ha! ha! ha! To him; to him, Petulant, smoke him. Pet. It seems as if you had come a journey, sir; hem, hem. [Surveying him round. Sir Wil. Very likely, sir, that it may seem 80. Pet. No offence, I hope, sir. Wit. Smoke the boots, the boots; Petulant, the boots: ha! ha! ha! Sir Wil. May be not, sir; thereafter, as 'tis meant, sir. Pet. Sir, I presume upon the information of your boots. Sir Wil. Why, 'tis like you may, sir: if you are not satisfied with the information of my boots, sir, if you will step to the stable, you may inquire further of my horse, sir. Pet. Your horse, sir! your horse is an ass, sir! Sir Wil. sir? Do you speak by way of offence, a Mrs. Mar. The gentleman's merry, that's all, sir.-[Aside.] S'life, we shall have quarrel betwixt an horse and an ass before they find one another out.-[Aloud.] You must not take anything amiss from your friends, sir. You are among your friends here, though it may be you don't know it.If I am not mistaken, you are Sir Wilfull Witwoud. Sir Wil. Right, lady; I am Sir Wilfull Witwoud, so I write myself; no offence to anybody, I hope; and nephew to the Lady Wishfort of this mansion. Mrs. Mar. Don't you know this gentleman, sir? Sir Wil. Hum! what, sure 'tis not-yea by'r Lady, but 'tis-s'heart, I know not whether 'tis or no-yea, but 'tis, by the Wrekin. Brother Anthony! what, Tony, i'faith! what, dost thou not know me? By'r Lady, nor I thee, thou art so becravated, and so beperiwigged.-S'heart, why dost not speak? art thou o'erjoyed? Wit. Odso, brother, is it you? your servant, brother. Sir Wil. Your servant! why yours, sir. Your servant again-s'heart, and your friend and servant to that-and a (puff) and a flap-dragon for your service, sir! and a Wit. I hope so-the devil take him that hare's foot and a hare's scut for your servremembers first, I say. Sir Wil. Save you, gentlemen and lady! Mrs. Mar. For shame, Mr. Witwoud; why won't you speak to him?-And you, sir. Wit. Petulant, speak. Pet. And you, sir. ice, sir! an you be so cold and so courtly. Wit. No offence, I hope, brother. Sir Wil. S'heart, sir, but there is, and much offence!-A pox, is this your inns o' court breeding, not to know your friends and your relations, your elders and your betters? I make it I keep it. I don't stand shill I, shall I, then; if I say't, I'll do't; but I have thoughts to tarry a small matter in town, to learn somewhat of your lingo first, before I cross the seas. I'd gladly have a spice of your French as they say, whereby to hold discourse in foreign countries. Mrs. Mar. Here's an academy in town Sir Wil. There is? 'Tis like there may. Mrs. Mar. No doubt you will return very much improved. Wit. Yes, refined, like a Dutch skipper from a whale-fishing. Wit. Why, brother Wilfull of Salop, you may be as short as a Shrewsbury-cake, if you please. But I tell you 'tis not modish to know relations in town: you think you're in the country, where great lubberly brothers slabber and kiss one another when they meet, like a call of serjeants-'tis not the fashion here; 'tis not indeed, dear brother. Sir Wil. The fashion's a fool; and you're for that use. a fop, dear brother. S'heart, I've suspected this-by'r Lady, I conjectured you were a fop, since you began to change the style of your letters, and write on a scrap of paper gilt round the edges, no bigger than a subропа. I might expect this when you left off, "Honored brother "; and "hoping you are in good health," and so forth-to begin with a "Rat me, knight, I'm so sick of a last night's debauch "-'ods heart, and then tell a familiar tale of a cock and a bull, and a whore and a bottle, and so conclude.-You could write news before you were out of your time, when you lived with honest Pumple Nose the attorney of Furnival's Inn-you could entreat to be remembered then to your friends round the Wrekin. We could have gazettes, then, and Dawks's Letter, and the Weekly Bill, till of late days. Pet. S'life, Witwoud, were you ever an attorney's clerk? of the family of the Furnivals? Ha! ha! ha! a Wit. Ay, ay, but that was but for while: not long, not long. Pshaw! I was not in my own power then; an orphan, and this fellow was my guardian; ay, ay, I was glad to consent to that, man, to come to London: he had the disposal of me then. If I had not agreed to that, I might have been bound 'prentice to a felt-maker in Shrewsbury; this fellow would have bound me to a maker of felts. Sir Wil. S'heart, and better than to be bound to a maker of fops; where, I suppose, you have served your time; and now you may set up for yourself. Enter LADY WISHFORT and FAINALL. Lady Wish. Nephew, you are welcome. Sir Wil. Aunt, your servant. Fain. Sir Wilfull, your most faithful servant. Sir Wil. Cousin Fainall, give me your hand. Lady Wish. Cousin Witwoud, your servant; Mr. Petulant, your servant-nephew, you are welcome again. Will you drink anything after your journey, nephew; before you eat? dinner's almost ready. Sir Wil. I'm very well, I thank you, aunt -however, I thank you for your courteous offer. S'heart I was afraid you would have been in the fashion too, and have remembered to have forgot your relations. Here's your cousin Tony, belike, I mayn't call him brother for fear of offence. Lady Wish. Oh, he's a railleur, nephewmy cousin's a wit: and your great wits always rally their best friends to choose. When you have been abroad, nephew, you'll understand raillery better. [FAINALL and MRS. MARWOOD talk apart. Sir Wil. Why then let him hold his tongue in the mean time; and rail when that day comes. Enter MINCING. Min. Mem, I am come to acquaint your Mrs. Mar. You intend to travel, sir, as la'ship that dinner is impatient. I'm informed. Sir Wil. Belike I may, madam. I may chance to sail upon the salt seas, if my mind hold. Pet. And the wind serve. Sir Wil. Serve or not serve, I shan't ask licence of you, sir; nor the weathercock your companion: I direct my discourse to the lady, sir.-Tis like my aunt may have told you, madam-yes, I have settled my concerns, I may say now, and am minded to see foreign parts. If an how that the peace holds, whereby that is, taxes abate. Mrs. Mar. I thought you had designed for France at all adventures. Sir Wil. I can't tell that; 'tis like I may, and 'tis like I may not. I am somewhat dainty in making a resolution-because when Sir Wil. Impatient! why then belike it won't stay till I pull off my boots.-Sweetheart, can you help me to a pair of slippers? -My man's with his horses, I warrant. Lady Wish. Fy, fy, nephew! you would not pull off your boots here?-Go down into the hall-dinner shall stay for you.-My nephew's a little unbred, you'll pardon him, madam.-Gentlemen, will you walk?-Mar wood? Mrs. Mar. I'll follow you, madam-before Sir Wilfull is ready. [Exeunt all but MRS. MARWOOD and FAINALL. Fain. Why then, Foible's a bawd, an errant, rank, match-making bawd: and I, it seems, am a husband, a rank husband; and my wife a very errant, rank wife-all in the hope. Thus far concerning my repose; now for my reputation. As to my own, I married not for it, so that's out of the question;and as to my part in my wife's-why, she none to me, she can take none from me; 'tis against all rule of play, that I should lose to one who has not wherewithal to stake. way of the world. 'Sdeath, to be a cuckold by anticipation, a cuckold in embryo! sure I was born with budding antlers, like a young satyr, or a citizen's child. .'Sdeath! to be out-witted-to be out-jilted-out-mat- had parted with hers before; so bringing rimony'd!—If I had kept my speed like a stag, 'twere somewhat,-but to crawl after, with my horns, like a snail, and be outstripped by my wife-'tis scurvy wedlock. Mrs. Mar. Then shake it off; you have often wished for an opportunity to partand now you have it. But first prevent their plot-the half of Millamant's fortune is too considerable to be parted with, to a foe, to Mirabell. Fain. Damn him! that had been minehad you not made that fond discovery—that had been forfeited, had they been married. My wife had added lustre to my horns by that increase of fortune; I could have worn 'em tipped with gold, though my forehead had been furnished like a deputy-lieutenant's hall. Mrs. Mar. They may prove a cap of maintenance to you still, if you can away with your wife. And she's no worse than when you had her-I dare swear she had given up her game before she was married. Fain. Hum! that may be. Mrs. Mar. You married her to keep you; and if you can contrive to have her keep you better than you expected, why should you not keep her longer than you intended? Fain. The means, the means. Mrs. Mar. Discover to my lady your wife's conduct; threaten to part with her!my lady loves her, and will come to any composition to save her reputation. Take the opportunity of breaking it, just upon the discovery of this imposture. My lady will be enraged beyond bounds, and sacrifice niece, and fortune, and all, at that conjuncture. And let me alone to keep her warm; if she should flag in her part, I will not fail to prompt her. Fain. Faith, this has an appearance. Mrs. Mar. I'm sorry I hinted to my lady to endeavor a match between Millamant and Sir Wilfull; that may be an obstacle. Fain. Oh, for that matter, leave me to manage him: I'll disable him for that; he will drink like a Dane; after dinner, I'll set his hand in. Mrs. Mar. Well, how do you stand affected towards your lady? Fain. Why, faith, I'm thinking of it.-Let me see-I am married already, so that's over: -my wife has played the jade with mewell, that's over too:-I never loved her, or if I had, why that would have been over too by this time:-jealous of her I cannot be, for I am certain; so there's an end of jealousy:weary of her I am, and shall be-no, there's no end of that—no, no, that were too much to Mrs. Mar. Besides, you forget, marriage is honorable. Fain. Hum, faith, and that's well thought on; marriage is honorable as you say; and if so, wherefore should cuckoldom be a discredit, being derived from so honorable a root? Mrs. Mar. Nay, I know not; if the root be honorable, why not the branches? Fain. So, so, why this point's clear-well, how do we proceed? Mrs. Mar. I will contrive a letter which shall be delivered to my lady at the time when that rascal who is to act Sir Rowland is with her. It shall come as from an unknown hand-for the less I appear to know of the truth, the better I can play the incendiary. Besides, I would not have Foible provoked if I could help it-because you know she knows some passages-nay, I expect all will come out-but let the mine be sprung first, and then I care not if I am discovered. Fain. If the worst come to the worst-I'll turn my wife to grass-I have already a deed of settlement of the best part of her estate, which I wheedled out of her; and that you shall partake at least. Mrs. Mar. I hope you are convinced that I hate Mirabell now; you'll be no more jealous? Fain. Jealous! no-by this kiss-let husbands be jealous; but let the lover still believe; or if he doubt, let it be only to endear his pleasure, and prepare the joy that follows, when he proves his mistress true. But let husbands' doubts convert to endless jealousy; or if they have beiief, let it corrupt to superstition and blind credulity. I am single, and will herd no more with 'em. True, I wear the badge, but I'll disown the order. And since I take my leave of 'em, I care not if I leave 'em a common motto to their common crest: Foib. Most killing well, madam. Lady Wish. Well, and how shall I receive him? in what figure shall I give his heart the first impression? there is a great deal in the first impression. Shall I sit?-no, I won't sit-I'll walk-ay, I'll walk from the door upon his entrance; and then turn full upon him-no, that will be too sudden. I'll lie,-ay, I'll lie down-I'll receive him in my little dressing-room, there's a couch-yes, yes, I'll give the first impression on a couch. -I won't lie neither, but loll and lean upon one elbow: with one foot a little dangling off, jogging in a thoughtful way-yes-and then as soon as he appears, start, ay, start and be surprised, and rise to meet him in a pretty disorder-yes,-0, nothing is more alluring than a levee from a couch, in some confusion:-it shows the foot to advantage, and furnishes with blushes, and recomposing airs beyond comparison. Hark! there's a coach. Foib. 'Tis he, madam. Lady Wish. Oh, dear!-Has my nephew made his addresses to Millamant? I ordered him. Foib. Sir Wilfull is set in to drinking, madam, in the parlor. Lady Wish. Odds my life, I'll send him to her. Call her down, Foible; bring her hither. I'll send him as I go-when they are to gether, then come to me, Foible, that I may not be too long alone with Sir Rowland. [Exit. Enter MRS. MILLAMANT and MRS. FAINALL. Foib. Madam, I stayed here, to tell your ladyship that Mr. Mirabell has waited this half hour for an opportunity to talk with you: though my lady's orders were to leave you and Sir Wilfull together. Shall I tell Mr. Mirabell that you are at leisure? Mrs. Mil. No,-what would the dear man have? I am thoughtful, and would amuse myself-bid him come another time. "There never yet was woman made That's hard! Mrs. Fain. You are very fond of Sir John Suckling to-day, Millamant, and the poets. Mrs. Mil. He? Ay, and filthy verses-so I am. Foib. Sir Wilfull is coming, madam. Shall I send Mr. Mirabell away? Mrs. Mil. Ay, if you please, Foible, send him away-or send him hither-just as you will, dear Foible.-I think I'll see him-shall I? Ay, let the wretch come. [Exit FOIBLE. Mrs. Fain. O Sir Wilfull, you are come at the critical instant. There's your mistress up to the ears in love and contemplation; pursue your point now or never. Sir Wil. Yes; my aunt will have it so-I would gladly have been encouraged with a bottle or two, because I'm somewhat wary at first before I am acquainted.-[This while MILLAMANT walks about repeating to herself.] -But I hope, after a time, I shall break my mind-that is, upon further acquaintanceso for the present, cousin, I'll take my leave if so be you'll be so kind to make my excuse, I'll return to my company Mrs. Fain. O, fy, Sir Wilfull! What, you must not be daunted. Sir Wil. Daunted! no, that's not it, it is not so much for that-for if so be that I set on't, I'll do't. But only for the present, 'tis sufficient till further acquaintance, that's all -your servant. Mrs. Fain. Nay, I'll swear you shall never lose so favorable an opportunity, if I can help it. I'll leave you together, and lock the door. [Exit. Sir Wil. Nay, nay, cousin-I have forgot my gloves-what d'ye do ?-S'heart, a'has locked the door indeed, I think-nay, Cousin Fainall, open the door-pshaw, what a vixen trick is this?-Nay, now a'has seen me too.Cousin, I made bold to pass through as it were-I think this door's enchanted! Mrs. Mil. [Repeating.] "I prithee spare me, gentle boy, Press me no more for that slight toy." Sir Wil. Anan? Cousin, your servant. Mrs. Mil. [Repeating.] "That foolish trifle of a heart." Sir Wilfull! |