Enter DOCTOR CANTWELL, OLD LADY LAM- will stay and join in the private duties of the BERT, and SEYWARD. family. Dr. C. Charles, step up into my study; Old Lady L. No, doctor, no; it is too bring down a dozen more of those manuals early; the sun has not risen upon them; but, of devotion, with the last hymns I composed; I doubt not, the day will come. and, when he calls, give them to M. MawDr. C. I warrant, they would go to a play worm; and, do you hear, if any one inquires now! for me, sav I am gone to Newgate1), and [Exit Seyward. Old Lady L. Well but, worthy doctor, why will you go the prisons yourself-cannot you send the money? ugly distempers are often catched there-have a care of your bealth, let us keep one good man, at least, Old Lady L. Would they-I am afraid. they would. the Marshalsea 2), to distribute alms. amongst us, Darn. Why, I hope it is no sin, madam; ship at a play. if I am not mistaken, I have seen your lady Old Lady L. Me, sir! see me at a play! you may have seen the prince of darkness, or some of his imps, in my likeness, perhaps→ Darn. Well but, madam Old Lady L. Mr. Darnley, do you think I Dr. C. Alas, madam, I am not a good man; I am a guilty, wicked sinner, full of would commit murder? Dr. C. No, sir, no; these are not the iniquity; the greatest villain that ever breathed; every instant of my life is clouded with stains; plants usually to be met with in that rank it is one continued series of crimes and defile- soil; the seeds of wickedness indeed sprout ments; you do not know what I am capa- the devil's hot-bedup every where too fast; but a playhouse is ble of; you indeed take me for a good man; but the truth is, I am a worthless creature. Col. L. And yet, doctor, I have known Old Lady L. Have you then stumbled? some of the leaders of your tribe, as scrupualas! if it be so, who shall walk upright? lous as they are, who have been willing to what horrid crime have you been hurried in- gather fruit there for the use of the brethern sure, to, that calls for this severe self-accrimination? -as in case of a benefit Dr. C. The charity covereth the sin and it may be lawful to turn the wages of abo mination to the comfort of the righteous. Col. L. Ha, ha, ha! sirrah? Dr. C. Reprobate! reprobate! Col. L. What is that you mutter, Old. Lady L. Oh heavens! Darn. Let him go, colonel. Col. L. A canting hypocrite! Dr. C. Very well, sir; your father shall know my treatment. [Exit. Old. Lady L. Let me run out of the house; I shall have it fall upon my head, if I stay among such wicked wretches. O grandson! grandson! [Exit Darn. Was there ever such an insolent rascal! beat his brains out. Col. L. The dog will one day provoke me Old Lady L. Oh! worthy, humble soul! this is a slight offence, which your suffering and mortifications may well atone for. Dr. C. No, madam, no; I want to suffer; I ought to be mortified; and I am obliged to how to tell you, that, for my soul's sake, must quit your good son's family; I am pampered too much here, live too much at my ease. Old. Lady L. Good doctor! are a pure woman. no " Darn. But what the devil is he? whence comes he?-what is his original?-how has he so ingratiated himself with your father, as to get footing in the house? Dr. C. Álas, madam! it is not you that should shed tears; it is I ought to weep; you chaplain; he was first introduced by the good Col. L. Oh, sir, he is here in quality of old lady that's just gone out. Old Lady L. I pure! who, I? You know, she sinial, sinful-but do not talk of quitting our dern conventicles, where is scems she got acno; has been a long time a frequenter of our mofamily; what will become of us-for friendship quainted with this sanctified pastor. His dis-for charityDr. C. Enough; say no more, madam; Ither, who has been for some time tainted ciples believe him a saint; and my poor fasubmit; while I can do good, it is my duty. with their pernicious principles, has been led Enter COLONEL LAMBERT and DARNLEY. Col. L. Your ladyship's most humble servant. Old Lady L. Grandson, how do you? Darn. Good day to you, doctor! Dr. C. Mr. Darnley, I am your most humble servant; I hope you and the good colonel 1) London being formerly encompassed by a wall, had gales resembling the one at Temple-Bar; besides their use as a Postern, they were employed as places of confinement; hence the prisons of Newgate, Ludgate, etc. 3) The Marshalsea is a jail of great antiquity, situated near St. George's church in the Borough of South into the same snare. Darn. Hah! here's your sister again.. Re-enter CHARLOTTE and DOCTOR CANTWELL. thus; nor shall your credit with Char. You'll find, sir, I will not be used my father protect your insolence to me. Col. L. What's the matter? Char. Nothing; pray be quiet.—I don't want bolt with such authority into my chamber, you--stand out of the way-how durst you without giving me notice? Darn. Confusion! 194 THE HYPOCRITE. Col. L. Hold-if my father won't resent this, | 'tis then time enough for me to do it. Dr. C. Compose yourself, madam; I came by your father's desire, who, being informed [ACT II ing sternly at Darnley, takes Charlotte un- ACT II. that you were entertaining Mr. Darnley, grew SCENE I. Antichamber at SIR J. LAMBERT'S. he says, that you attend him instantly, or he himself, Enter SEXWARD, with a writing in his hand. answer you. Char. "Tis false. He gave you no autho- be driven to, so barbarously disinherited!rity to insult me; or, if he had, did you sup- Besides, his daughter, fair Charlotte, too, pose I would bear it from you? What is it wronged; wronged in the tenderest point: for you presume upon? your function? does that so extravagant is this settlement, that it leaves exempt you from the manners of a gentleman? her not a shilling, unless she marries with Dr. C. Shall I have an answer to your fa- the doctor's consent: which is intended, by what I have heard, as an expedient to oblige her to marry the doctor himself. Now, 'twere [Exit. but an honest part to let Charlotte know the snare that's laid for her. This deed's not signed, ther, lady? Char. I'll send him none by you. Col. L. Pray, sister, what has the fellow and may be yet prevented. It shall be so. done to you? Char. Nothing. Darn. I beg you would tell us, madam. Char. Nay, no great matter-but I was sitting carelessly in my dressing-room-a-a fastening my garter, and this impudent cur comes bounce in upon me Darn. The rogue must be corrected. Col. L. Yet, 'egad, I cannot help laughing at the accident; what a ridiculous figure she must make-ha! ha! Char. Hah! you're as impudent as he, I think. Darn. Now, dear Tom, speak to her before she goes. Char. What does he say, brother? Col. L. Why, he wants to have me speak to you; and I would have him do it himself. Char. Ay, come, do, Darnley; I am in good humour now. a Enter SIR JOHN LAMBERT, LADY LAMBERT, and CHARLOTTE. Sir. J. Oh! Seyward, your uncle wants [Exit. you to transcribe some hymns. Char. He's always clean too. Lady L. Charlotte is of a cheerful temper, wants discretion. my dear; but I know you don't think she Darn. Oh, Charlotte! my heart is burstingChar. Well, well; out with it then. Darn. Your father now, I see, is bent on my dear, shall judge between us. In short, Sir J. I shall try that presently; and you, parting us-nay, what's worse perhaps, will daughter, your course of life is but one congive you to another-I cannot speak-ima- tinued round of playing the fool to no purgine what I want from you.you think seriously, and marry. pose; and therefore I am resolved to make Char. Well-O lud! one looks so silly though when one is so serious-O dear,-in short, I cannot get it out. Col. L. I warrant you; try again. Char. O lud-well-if one must be teased, then-why, he must hope, I think. Darn. Is't possible!—thus Col. L. Buz-not a syllable; she has done very well. I bar all heroics; if you press it too far, I'll hold1) six to four she's off again in a moment. Darn. I'm silenced. Char. Now am I on tiptoe 2) to know what dd fellow my father has found out for me. Darn. I'd give something to know him. Char. He's in a terrible fuss at your being here, I find. Col. L. 'Sdeath!) here he comes. 1) Hold, lay, or bet a wager are synonymous. a) To be in great expectation. 3) God's death; meaning "by the death of Christ!" Char. That I shall do before I marry, sir, you may depend upon it. you may depend upon my having thought only man I'll positively marry. Lady L. You have great courage, Charlotte: Char. Lord! madam, he'll make nothing it, depend upon it. Aside Sir J. Mind what I say to you. This won derful man, I say-first, in his public ch racter, is religious, zealous, and charitable. Char. Very well, sir. Sir J. In his private character, sober. Char. A hem! [Stifling a lay at, madar Sir J. What is it you sneer You want one of your fine gentleman rakes, first insist that you never see young Darnley I suppose, that are snapping at every woman more; for, in one word, the good and pious they meet with. doctor Cantwell's the man I have decreed for Char. Ho! ho! ho! Char. No, no, sir: I am very well satis-your husband. fied.-I-I should not care for such a sort of a man, no more than I should for one that every woman was ready to snap at. Sir J. 'Tis very well; this laugh you think becomes you, but I shall spoil your mirthno more- give me a serious answer. Šir J. No, you'll be secure from jealousy; he has experience, ripeness of years-he is al- Char. I ask your pardon, sir; I should not have smiled indeed, could I suppose it possible that you were serious. most forty-nine. Your sex's vanity will have no charms for him. Char. But all this while, sir, I don't find that he has charms for our sex's vanity. How Sir J. You'll find me so. Char. I'm sorry for it; but I have an ob Sir J. Name it. does he look? Is he tall, well made? Does jection to the doctor, sir, that most fathers be dress, sing, talk, laugh, and dance well? think a substantial one. Has he good hair, good teeth, fine eyes? Does he keep a chaise, coach, and vis-a-vis? Has he six prancing ponies? Does he wear the prince's uniform, and subscribe to Brookes's? 1) Sir. J. Was there ever so profligate a creature? What will this age come to! Lady L. Nay, Charlotte, here I must be against you. Now you are blind indeed. A woman's happiness has little to do with the pleasure her husband takes in his own person. Sir J. Right. Lady L. It is not how he looks, but how he loves, is the point. Sir J. Good again. Char. Why, sir, we know nothing of his fortune; he's not worth a groat. ma Sir J. That's more than you know, dam; I am able to give him a better estate than I am afraid you'll deserve. Char. How, sir? Sir J. I have told you what's my will, and shall leave you to think on't. Enter SEYWARD. Sey. Sir, if you are at leisure, the doctor desires to speak with you, upon business of importance. Sir J. Where is he? Sey. In his own chamber, sir. Lady L. And a wife is much more secure that has charms for her husband, than when the husband has only charms for her. Sir J. I will come to him immediately.Sir J. Admirable! go on, my dear. [Exit Seyward.]-Daughter, I am called Lady L. Do you think a woman of five-away, and therefore have only time to tell and-twenty may not be much happier with you, as my last resolution, doctor Cantwell an honest man of fifty, than the finest woman is your husband, or I am no more your faof fifty with a young fellow of five-and-twenty? ther. [Exit. Sir J. Mark that! Char. O madam! I am at my wit's end; Char. Ay, but when two five-and-twenties not for the little fortune I may lose in disobeycome together-dear papa, you must allow ing my father, but it startles me to find what they have a chance to be fifty times as plea- a dangerous influence this fellow has over all sant and frolicsome. his actions. Lady L. Here's your brother. Enter COLONEL LAMBERT. Char. Even our agreeable doctor. Sir J. Frolicsome! Why, you sensual idiot, what have frolics to do with solid happiness? I am ashamed of you.--Go, you talk worse than a girl at a boarding-shool. -Frolicsome! Col. L. Madam, your most obedient-Well, as if marriage was only a license for two sister, is the secret out? Who is this pretty people to play the fool according to law. fellow my father has picked up for you? Methinks, madam, you have a better example of happiness before your face. Here's one has ten times your understanding, and she, you find, has made a different choice. Char. Lord, sir, how you talk! you Col. L. Confusion! what would the cormoConsider people's tempers. I don't say my la- rant devour the whole family? Your ladyship dy is not in the right; but then you know, knows he is secretly in love with you too. papa, she's a prude, and I am a coquette; Lady L. Fie, fie, colonel. she becomes her character very well, I don't Col. L. I ask your pardon, madam, if I deny it; and I hope you see every thing I do, speak too freely; but I am sure, by what I is as consistent with mine. -Your wise people have seen, your ladyship must suspect somemay talk what they will, but 'tis constitution thing of it. governs us all; and be assured, you Lady L. I am sorry any body else has more be able to bring me to endure a man seen it; but, I must own, his behaviour to of forty-nine, than you can persuade my lady me of late, both in private and before comto dance in church to the organ. pany, has been something warmer than I will no Sir J. O horrible! My poor sister has ruined thought became him. her: leaving her fortune in her own hands, Col. L. How are these opposites to be rehas turned her brain. In short, Charlotte, your conciled? Can the rascal have the assurance sentiments of life are shameful, and I am re-to think both points are to be carried? solved upon your instant reformation: there- Char. Truly, one would not suspect the fore, as an earnest of your obedience, I shall gentleman to be so termagant. 196 THE HYPOCRITE. country be used to make the maids lock up than any one in this house. But you may Col. L. Upon my life, madam, my sister Char. I tell you so, impudent— Lady L. Fie, Charlotte; he only jests with you. Old Lady L. Fie, Charlotte, fie! He speaks but for your good, and this is the grateful return you make. Char. Grateful return, madam!-how can Char. How can you be such a monster, to doctor is one of those who start at a feather. you be so partial to that hypocrite?- The stay playing the fool here, when you have -Poor good man! yet he has his vices of more reason to be frightened out of your the graver sortwits? You don't know perhaps, that ther declares he'll settle a fortune upon this would follow his precept, whose practice is my fa- Old Lady L. Come, come; I wish fellow too. Col. L. What do you mean? Lady L. 'Tis too true; 'tis not three nutes since he said so. Col. L. Nay then, 'tis time indeed his were opened; and give me leave to say, dam, 'tis only in your power. you conformable to what he teaches.-Virtuous man! mi-world merely as a collection of dirt and peb-Above all sensual regards, he considers the eyes temporal connections! ble-stones. How has he weaned me from ma- upon nothing sublunary: and, I thank heaven, My heart is now set I am so insensible to every thing in this vain world, that I could see you, my son, my Lady L. What is't you propose? Col. L. Why, if this fellow, which I'm daughters, my brothers, my grandchildren, all sure of, is really in love with you, give him expire before me; and mind it no more than a fair opportunity to declare it, and leave me the going out of so many snuffs of candle. to make my advantage. Lady L. I should be loth to do a wrong humane disposition you have been able to arChar. Upon my word, madam, it is a very thingChar. Dear madam, it is the only way in the doctor for his instructions. rive at, and your family is much obliged to the world to expose him to my father. Lady L. I'll think of it. Col. L. Pray do, madam; but in the mean time I must leave you - poor Darnley stays for me at the Smyrna1) and will sit upon thorns till I bring him an account of his new rival. Char. Well, well, get you gone then; here is my grandmother. [Exit Colonel Lambert. Enter OLD LADY LAMBERT. Lady L. This is kind, madam; I hope your ladyship's come to dine with us. Old. Lady L. No; don't be afraid: only in my way from Tottenham-court, I just called to see whether any dreadful accident happened to the family since I was here last. Old Lady L. Well, child, I have nothing you, that's all. more to say to you at present; heaven mend Lady L. But pray, madam, stay and dine with us. Old Lady L. No, daughter, I have said it, my son, if you'll give me leave, I'll stay and and you know I never tell a lie; but here's speak to him. Lady L. Your ladyship's time is your own. Sir J. Oh, madam, madam! I'm glad you're Lady L. Accident! did your ladyship say? Here is my mother, friend, my mother; a here to join me in solicitations to the doctor. Old Lady L. I shall be sorry, daughter, pious woman; you will hear her, more worthy but not surprised, when I hear it; for there to advise you than I am. are goings on under this roof, that will bring temporal punishments along with them. it for. Dr. C. Alas! the dear good lady, I will kiss her hand!-but what advice can she give me? The riches of this world, sir, have no Lady L. Indeed, madam, you astonish me! Old Lady L. We'll drop the subject; and charms for me; I am not dazzled with their I beg leave to address myself to you. Miss false glare; and was I, I repeat it, to accept Charlotte; I see you have a bit of lace upon of the trust you want to repose in me, heayour neck; I desire to know what you wear ven knows, it would only be lest the means Char. Wear it for, madam! it's the fashion. not lay it out as I would do, for the glory should fall into wicked hands, who would Old Lady L. In short, I have been at my of heaven, and the good of my neighbour. linen draper's to-day, and have bought you some thick muslin, which I desire you will Old Lady L. What's the matter, son? make handkerchiefs of for I must tell you were witness how the worthy colonel treated Dr. C. Nothing, madam; nothing.-But you that slight covering is indecent, and gives me this morning-Not that I speak it on much offence. own account-for to be reviled is my portion Sir J. O the villain! the villain! 1) Coxcomb and Puppy, appellations much fair sex, to signify their disapprobation of a gentleused by the man, from his rudeness, for instance, in every other female in the company but herself, address in such-like misdemeanours. The gentleman thus minate the affected and over-dressed of their own There are an immense number of other press this idea; they will appear in the course terms to exthese sheets, Lady L. Indecent, did your ladyship say? Old Lady L. Yes, daughter-in-law, doctor Cantwell complains to me that he can't sit at table, the sight of her bare neck disturbs him so; and he's a good man, and knows what indecency is. Char. Yes, indeed, I believe he does, better 1) Smyrna coffee house. deno sex. Dr. C. Indeed, I did not think he had so would be glad to be permitted to speak with bard a nature. you. Old Lady L. Ah! your charitable heart Old Lady L. Oh pray, doctor, admit him; knows not the rancour that is in his. His I have not seen Mr. Mawworm this great wicked sister too, has been here this moment, while; he's a pious man, though in an humble abusing this good man. estate; desire the worthy creature to walk in. Enter MAWWORM. Dr. C. O sir, 'tis plain; 'tis plain; your whole family are in a combination against me -your son and daughter hate me; they think -How do you do, M. Mawworm? I stand between them and your favour: and Maw. Thank your ladyship's axing 1)—I'm indeed it is not fit I should do so; for, fallen but deadly poorish indeed; the world and I as they are, they are still your children, and can't agree I got the books, doctor-and Mrs. I an alien, an intruder, who ought in con- Grunt bid me give her service to you, and science to retire and heal those unhappy thanks you for the eigtheen-pence. breaches. Old Lady L. See; if the good man does not wipe his eyes! Dr. C. Oh heavens! the thought of their ingratitude wounds me to the quick- but I'll remove this eyesore-here, Charles! Enter SEYWard. Sir J. For goodness sake— Dr C. Bring me that writing, I gave you 16 lay up this morning. Sir J. Make haste, good Charles; it shall be signed this moment. [Exit Seyward. Dr. C. Not for the world, sir John-every minute tends to corroborate my last intentions -I must not, will not take it, with the curses of your children. Sir J. But consider, doctor-shall my wicked son then be heir to my lands, before repentance has entitled him to favour- No, let him depend upon you, whom he has wronged: perhaps, in time he may reflect on his father's justice, and be reconciled to your rewarded virtues.-If heaven should at last reclaim him, in you I know he still would find a fond forgiving father. Dr. C. Hush, friend Mawworm! not a word more; you know I hate to have my little charities blazed about: a poor widow, madam, to whom I sent my mite. Old Lady L. Give her this. [offers a purse to Mawworm. Dr. C. I'll take care it shall be given to her. [takes it. matter with Old Lady L. But what is the you, Mr. Mawworm? Maw. I don't know what's the matter with me-I'm a breaking my heart-I think it's a sin to keep a shop. Old Lady L. Why if you think it a sin, indeed-pray what's your business? Maw. We deals in grocery, tea, small-beer, charcoal, butter, brickdust, and the like. Old Lady L. Well, you must consult with your friendly director here. I Maw. I wants to go a preaching. Maw. I'm almost sure I have had a call. Maw. I have made several sermons already; does them extrumpery, 2) because I can't write; and now the devils in our alley says, as how my head's turned. Old Lady L. Ay, devils indeed-but don't Dr. C. The imagination of so blest an hour, Maw. No, I don't-I rebukes them, and tor, you know she is not wronged by it; be- preaches to them, whether they will or not. cause, if she proves not obstinate, she may, We lets our house in lodgings to single men; still be happy. and sometimes I gets them together, with one or Old Lady L. Yes, but the perverse wretch two of the neighbours, and makes them all cry. sights the blessing you propose for her. Old Lady L. Did you ever preach in public? Dr. C. We must allow, madam, female Maw. I got upon Kennington-common, the modesty a time, which often takes the like-last review day; but the boys threw brickbats 3) ness of distress: the commands of your good at me, and pinned crackers to my tail; and Í son might too suddenly surprise her-Maids have been afraid to mount ever since. must be gently dealt with-and might I humbly Old Lady L. Do you hear this, doctor? throw brickbats at him, and pin crackers to his tail! can these things be stood by? advise Sir J. Any thing you will: you shall go Vern me and her. Dr. C. Then, sir, abate of your authority, and let the matter rest awhile. Sir J. Suppose we were to get my wife to speak to her; women will often hear, from their own sex, what sometimes, even from the man they like, will startle them. Maw. I told them so-says I, I does nothing clandecently +); I stands here contagious ❝) to his majesty's guards, and I charge you upon your apparels ) not to mislist 7) me. Old Lady L. And had it no effect? Maw. No more than if I spoke to so many postesses): but if he advises me to go a preachDr. C. Then, with your permission, sir, I ing, and quit my shop, I'll make an excreswill take an opportunity of talking to my lady. sance further into the country. Sir J. She's now in her dressing-room; Old Lady L. An excursion, you would say. go and prepare her for it. [Exit. Dr. C. You are too good to me, sir-too bountiful. Maw. I am but a sheep, but my bleatings shall be heard afar off; and that sheep shall 1) Asking. 2) Extempore. 5) Large stones. |