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Sir F. Ay, sir, and you may be marching mind, or would you capitulate? ha, ha, ha! as soon as you please—I must see a change Look, here are the guineas; [Chinks them] in your temper, ere you find one in ha, ha, ha! Mar. Pray, sir, dispatch me; the money, sir; I'm in mighty haste.
Sir F. Fool, take this and go to the cashier. I shan't be long plagu'd with thee.
Sir G. Not if they were twice the sum, sir Francis; therefore be brief, call in the lady, and take your post.
Sir F. Agreed. Miranda!
[Gives him a Note. Sir G.' If she's a woman, and not seduc'd Mar. Devil take the cashier! I shall cer- by. witchcraft, to this old rogue, I'll make his tainly have Charles gone before I come back. heart ache; for if she has but one grain of [Exit, running. inclination about her, I'll vary a thousand Charles. Well, sir, I take my leave-but shapes but find it.
remember you expose an only son to all the
miseries of wretched poverty, which too often Re-enter SIR FRANCIS GRIPE and MIRANDA. lays the plan for scenes of mischief. Sir G. So from the eastern chambers breaks
Sir F. Stay, Charles! I have a sudden the sun, dispels the clouds, and gilds the vales thought come into my head, which may prove below. to thy advantage.
Charles. Ha! does he relent?
Salutes her. Sir F. Hold, sir; kissing was not in our agreement.
Sir G. Oh! that's by way of prologue. Pr'ythee, old mammon, to thy post.
Sir F. My lady Wrinkle, worth forty thousand pounds, sets up for a handsome young husband; she prais'd thee t'other day; though Sir F. [Takes out his Watch] Well, the match-makers can get twenty guineas for young Timon, 'tis now four exactly; ten mia sight of her, I can introduce thee for nothing. nutes, remember, is your utmost limit; not a Charles. My lady Wrinkle, sir! why, she minute more. has but one eye. [vagance, sir. [Retires to the Bottom of the Stage. Sir F. Then she'll see but half your extra- Sir G. Madam, whether you'll excuse Charles. Condemn me to such a piece of blame my love, the author of this rash prodeformity! a toothless, dirty, wry-neck'd. ceeding depends upon your pleasure, as also hunch-back'd hag! the life of your admirer; your sparkling eyes
Sir F. Hunch-back'd! so much the better! speak a heart susceptible of love, your vivacity then she has a rest for her misfortunes, for a soul too delicate to admit the embraces of thou wilt load her swingingly. Now, I war- decayed mortality. Shake off this tyrant guarrant, you think this is no offer of a father; dian's yoke; assume yourself, and dash his forty thousand pounds is nothing with you. bold, aspiring hopes. The deity of his desires Charles. Yes, sir, I think it is too much; a is avarice, a heretic in love, and ought to be young beautiful woman with half the money banished by the queen of beauty. See, madam, would be more agreeable.-I thank you, sir; a faithful servant kneels, and begs to be adbut you choose better for yourself, I find. mitted in the number of your slaves.
Sir F. Out of my doors, you dog! you pretend to meddle with my marriage, sirrah! Charles. Sir, I obey you, but
Sir F. But me no buts-be gone, sir! dare
Enter MARPLOT, running.
[Miranda gives him her Hand to raise him. Sir F. [Running up] Hold, hold, hold! no palming; that's contrary to articles
Sir G. 'Sdeath, sir, keep your distance, or I'll write another article in your guts.
[Lays his Hand to his Sword. Sir F. [Going back] A bloody-minded fellow!
Sir G. Not answer me! perhaps she thinks my address too grave: I'll be more free. [Aside] Can you be so unconscionable, madam, to let me say all these fine things to you without one single compliment in return?
Mar. Nay, 'egad I shall run, I tell you that, of the cashier for detaining me so long! Sir F. [Running up with his Watch in Where the devil shall I find him now? I shall his Hand] There's five of the ten minutes certainly lose this secret, and I had rather by gone, sir George-Adad, I don't like those balf lose my money-Where shall I find him close' conferences
now-D'ye know where Charles is gone, Gardy? Sir G. More interruptions-you will have Sir F. Gone to the devil, and you may go it, sir! [Lays his Hand to his Sword. after him. Sir F. [Going back] No, no; yon shan't Mar. Ay, that I will as fast as I can. [Going, have her neither. [Aside. returns] Have you any commands there, Gardy? [Exit. Sir F. What, is the fellow distracted?
Sir G. Dumb still-sure this old dog has enjoin'd her silence. I'll try another way. [Aside] Madam, these few minutes cost me an hundred pounds-and would you answer me, I could purchase the whole day so. However, madam, you must give me leave to make the best interpretation I can for my money, and take the indication of your silence for the secret liking of my person; therefore, madam, I will instruct you how to keep your word inviolate to sir Francis, and yet answer Well, sir George, do you hold in the same me to every question: as for example, when
Serv. Sir George Airy inquires for you, sir. Sir F. Desire sir George to walk up.[Exit Servant]-Now for a trial of skill that will make me happy and him a fool. Ha, ha, ba! In my mind he looks like an ass already. Enter SIR GEORGE AIRY.
I ask any thing to which you would reply in presently; ha, ha, ha, ha! [Exit Miranda. the affirmative, gently nod your head thus, Sir G. Adsheart, madam, you won't leave Nods] and when in the negative, thus, me just in the nick, 1) will you? [Shakes his Head] and in the doubtful, a Sir F. Ha, ha, ha! she has nick'd you, sir tender sigh thus. [Sighs. George, I think! ha, ha, ha! Have you any Mir. How every action charms me-but I'll more hundred pounds to throw away upon fit him for signs, I warrant him. [Aside. courtship? ha, ha, ha!
Sir G. Was it by his desire that you are Sir G. He, he, he, he! A curse of your dumb, madam, to all I can say? [Miranda fleering jests!-Yet, however ill I succeeded, nods] Very well, she's tractable, I find! [Aside] I'll venture the same wager she does not value And is it possible that you can love him? thee a spoonful of snuff-nay more, though [Miranda nods] Miraculous! Pardon the you enjoin'd her silence to me, you'll never bluntness of my questions, for my time is short. make her speak to the purpose with yourself. May I not hope to supplant him in your es- Sir F. Ha, ha, ha! Did I not tell thee thou teem? [Miranda sighs] Good! she answers wouldst repent thy money? Did I not say she me as I could wish. [Aside] You'll not con- hated young fellows? ha, ha, ha! sent to marry him then? [Miranda sighs] Sir G. And I'm positive she's not in love How! doubtful in that?-Undone again-with age.
humph! but that may proceed from his power Sir F. Ha, ha, ha! no matter for that, ha, to keep her out of her estate 'till twenty-five: ha! She's not taken with your youth, nor your I'll try that. [Aside] Come, madam, I cannot rhetoric to boot; ha, ha!
think you hesitate in this affair out of any Sir G. Whate'er her reasons are for dismotive but your fortune-let him keep it till liking of me, I am certain she can be taken those few years are expired; make me happy with nothing about thee.
with your person, let him enjoy your wealth. Sir F. Ha, ha, ha! how he swells with envy [Miranda holds up her Hands] Why, what-Poor man! poor man! ha, ha, ha! I must sign is that now? Nay, nay, madam, except beg your pardon, sir George; Miranda will you observe my lesson I can't understand your be impatient to have her share of mirth. Vemeaning. rily we shall laugh at thee most egregiously;
Sir F. What a vengeance! are they talking ha, ha, ha! by signs? 'Ad, I may be fool'd here. [Aside] What do you mean, sir George?
Sir G. To cut your throat, if you dare mutter another syllable.
Sir G. With all my heart, faith-I shall laugh in my turn too-for if you dare marry her, old Belzebub, you will be cuckolded most egregiously; remember that, and tremble. [Exeunt [Aside. SCENE II.-SIR JEALOUS TRAFFICK'S House.
Sir F. 'Od, I wish he were fairly out of my house.
Sir G. Pray, madam, will you answer me to the purpose? [Miranda shakes her Head, Enter SIR JEALOUS TRAFFICk, Isabinda, and and points to Sir Francis] What does she mean? She won't answer me to the purpose, Sir J. What, in the balcony again, or is she afraid yon' old cuff should under-withstanding my positive commands to the stand her signs?-ay, it must be that. [Aside] contrary? Why don't you write a bill on I perceive, madam, you are too apprehensive your forehead to show passengers there's someof the promise you have made to follow my thing to be let?
rules, therefore I'll suppose your mind, and Isa. What harm can there be in a little answer for you. First for myself, madam; fresh air, sir?
"that I am in love with you is an infallible Sir J. Is your constitution so hot, mistress, truth." Now for you. [Turns on her Side] that it wants cooling, ha? Apply the virtuous "Indeed, sir! and may I believe it?"-"As Spanish rules; banish your taste and thoughts certainly, madam, as that 'tis daylight, or that of flesh, feed upon roots, and quench your I die if you persist in silence."-"Bless me thirst with water.
with the music of your voice, and raise my Isa. That, and a close room, would cerspirits to their proper heaven. Thus low let tainly make me die of the vapours. me entreat ere I'm obliged to quit this place; Sir J. No, mistress, 'tis your high-fed, lusty, grant me some token of a favourable recep- rambling, rampant ladies-that are troubled tion to keep my hopes alive." [Arises hastily, with the vapours: 'tis your ratafia, persico, and turns on her Side] "Rise, sir, and since cinnamon, citron, and spirit of clara, cause my guardian's presence will not allow me pri- such swimming in the brain, that carries many vilege of tongue, read that, and rest assur'd a guinea full tide to the doctor: but you are you are not indifferent to me." [Offers her not to be bred this way: no galloping abroad, a Letter, she strikes it down] Ha, right wo-no receiving visits at home, for in our loose man! but no matter; I'll go on. country the women are as dangerous, as th
Sir F. Ha! what's that? a letter! - Ha, ha, men. ha! thou art balk'd.
Patch. So I told her, sir, and that it was Sir G. Ha! a letter! oh! let me kiss it with not decent to be seen in a balcony-but she the same raptures that I would do the dear threatened to slap my chops, and told me hand that touch'd it. [Opens it] Now for a was her servant, not her governess. quick fancy, and a long extempore.
Sir J. Did she so? but I'll make her to
Sir F. [Coming up hastily] The time is know that you are her duenna. Oh, that inexpired, sir, and you must take your leave. comparable custom of Spain! Why, here's n There, my girl, there's the hundred pounds depending upon old women in my countr which thou hast won. Go; I'll be with you! 1 The critical moment,
-for they are as wanton at eighty as a girl of eighteen; and a man may as safely trust to Asgil's translation, as to his great grandmother's not marrying again.
Isa. Or to the Spanish ladies' veils and duennas for the safeguard of their honour.
sage for any body there? - O'my conscience
Whis. Letter or message, sir?
Sir J. Sirrah, sirrah! I'll have you set in Sir J. Dare to ridicule the cautious conduct the stocks1) if you don't tell your business of that wise nation, and I'll have you lock'd immediately.
this fortnight, without a peep-hole.
Whis. Nay, sir, my business-is no great Isa. If we had but the ghostly helps in En-matter of business neither, and yet 'tis busigland which they have in Spain, I might de-ness of consequence too. ceive you if you did-Let me tell you, sir, confinement sharpens the invention, as want of sight strengthens the other senses, and is often more pernicious than the recreation that innocent liberty allows.
Sir J. Sirrah, don't trifle with me.
Whis. Why, Trifle is the very lapdog my
Sir J. Say you so, mistress! who the devil laught you the art of reasoning? I assure you they must have a greater faith than I pretend to, that can think any woman innocent who requires liberty; therefore, Patch, to your Sir J. My lady Lovepuppy, sir! then pr'ycharge I give her; lock her up till I come thee carry thyself to her, for I know of no back from 'Change. I shall have some saun-other whelp that belongs to her; and let me tering coscomb, with nothing but a red coat catch you no more puppy-hunting about my and a feather, think by leaping into her arms doors, lest I have you press'd into the service, to leap into my estate - but I'll prevent them; sirrah. she shall be only signior Babinetto's.
Whis. By no means, sir Your humble Patch. Really, sir, I wish you would employ servant.-I must watch whether he goes or no any body else in this affair; I lead a life like before I can tell my master.
dog in obeying your commands.
madam, will you be locked up?
Come, Sir J. This fellow has the officious leer of a pimp, and I half suspect a design; but I'll Isa. Ay, to enjoy more freedom than he is be upon them before they think on me, I aware of [Aside. Exit with Patch. warrant 'em.
Sir J. I believe this wench is very true to my interest: I am happy I met with her, if I can but keep my daughter from being blown upon till signior Babinetto arrives, who shall marry her as soon
SCENE IV.-CHARLES's Lodgings. Enter CHARLES and MARPLOT. Charles. Honest Marplot, I thank thee for as he comes, and carry this supply. I expect my lawyer with a thouher to Spain as soon as he has married her. sand pounds I have ordered him to take up, She has a pregnant wit, and I'd no more have and then you shall be repaid. er an English wife than the grand signior's Mar. Pho, pho! no [Exit. comes sir George Airy,
SCENE III.-Outside of SIR JEALOUS TRAF
more of that. Here
Enter SIR GEORGE AIRY. cursedly out of humour at his disappointment. See how he looks! ha, ha, ha!
Sir G. Ah, Charles! I am so humbled in
Whis. So, there goes sir Jealous: where my pretensions to plots upon women, that I shail I find Mrs. Patch, now?
Patch. Ob, Mr. Whisper! my lady saw you out of the window, and order'd me to id you fly and let your master know she's
Whis. Hush! speak softly! I go, I go! But harkye, Mrs. Patch, shall not you and I have a little confabulation, when my master and your lady are engag'd? Patch. Ay, ay; farewell.
[Goes in and shuts the Door. Whisper
Re-enter SIR JEALOUS TRAFFICK, meeting
Sir J. Sure, whilst I was talking with M.
Whis. Want-want-a pox! Sir Jealous! What must I say now?
believe I shall never have courage enough to attempt a chambermaid again-I'll tell thee
Charles. Ha, ha! I'll spare you the relation, by telling you-Impatient to know your business with my father, when I saw you enter I slipp'd back into the next room, where I overheard every syllable.
Mur. Did you, Charles? I wish I had been with you.
Sir G. That I said-but I'll be hang'd if you heard her answer-But pr'ythee tell me, Charles, is she a fool?
Charles. I never suspected her for one; but Marplot can inform you better, if you'll allow him a judge.
Mar. A fool! I'll justify she has more wit than all the rest of her sex put together. Why, she'll rally me till I han't a word to say for myself..
1) The stocks are now the punishment of the poor contry-fellows for getting tipsey, swearing etc, towns and cities are too refined for these things, and now the It would seem as if these inventions came from China, if We are to believe Goldsmith's geography.
tread-mill generally employs the wicked. [Aside.
Sin J. Ay, want! Have you a letter or mes
Charles. A mighty proof of her wit, truly-here? Except I find out that, I am as far from Mar. There must be some trick in't, sir knowing his business as ever. 'Gad, I'll watch; George; 'egad, I'll find it out, if it cost me it may be a bawdy-house, and be may have the sum you paid for't. his throat cut. If there should be any mischief, I can make oath he went in. Well, Charles,
Sir G. Do, and command meMar. Enough: let me alone to trace a secret-in spite of your endeavours to keep me out of the secret, I may save your life for aught
Enter WHISPER, and speaks aside to his I know. At that corner i'll plant myself; there I shall see whoever goes in or comes The devil! he here again! damn that fellow, out. 'Gad, I love discoveries. he never speaks out. Is this the same, or a
[Exit. new secre? [Aside] You may speak out, SCENE II.-A Chamber in the House of SIR here are none but friends. JEALOUS TRAFFICK.
Charles. Pardon me, Marplot, 'tis a secret. CHARLES, ISABINDA, and PATch discovered. Mar. A secret! ay, or ecod1) I would not give a farthing for it. Sir George, won't you Isa. Patch, look out sharp; have a care of ask Charles what news Whisper brings? dad 1). Sir G. Not I, sir; I suppose it does not relate to me,
Mar. Lord, Lord! how little curiosity some people have! Now my chief pleasure is in knowing every body's business."
Sir G.'I fancy, Charles, thou hast some
Sir G. I have a little business too.
Patch. I warrant you.
Isa. Well, sir, if I may judge your love by your courage, I ought to believe you sincere; for you venture into the lion's den when
you come to see me.
Charles. If you'll consent whilst the furious beast is abroad, I'd free you from the reach of his paws.
Isa. That would be but to avoid one danger by running into another, like poor wretches Sir G. Marplot, if it falls in your way to who fly the burning ship, and meet their fate bring me any intelligence from Miranda, you'll in the water. Come, come, Charles, I fear, if find me at the Thatch'd-house at six
Mar, You do me much honour.
I consult my reason, confinement and plenty is better than liberty and starving. I know wish you would make the frolic pleasing for a little time, by saying and doing a world of tender things; but when our small substance is exhausted, and a thousand requisites for life are wanting, love, who rarely dwells with poverty, would also fail us.
Sir G. Better than attended me. Adieu. [Exit. Charles. Marplot, you must excuse meMar. Nay, nay; what need of any excuse amongst friends? I'll go with you.
Charles. Indeed you must not
Mar. No! then I suppose 'tis a duel; and I will go to secure you.
Charles. Well, but 'tis no duel, consequently no danger; therefore pr'ythee be answer'd.
Charles. 'Faith, I fancy not; methinks my heart has laid up a stock will last for life, to back which I have taken a thousand pounds upon my uncle's estate; that surely will support us till one of our fathers relent. Mar. What, is't a mistress then?-Mum- Isa. There's no trusting to that, my friend; you know I can be silent upon occasion. I doubt your father will carry his humour to Charles. I wish you could be civil too: I the grave, and mine till he sees me settled in Spain. tell you, you neither must nor shall go with Charles. And can you then cruelly resolve me. Farewell.
[Exit. to stay till that curs'd don arrives, and suffer
Mar. Why then-I must and will follow that youth, beauty, fire, and wit to be sacriyou: [Exit. fic'd to the arms of a dull Spaniard, to be immured, and forbid the sight of any thing that's human?
SCENE I-4 Street.
Isa. No; when it comes to that extremity, and no stratagem can relieve us, thou shalt list for a soldier, and I'll carry thy knapsack after thee.
Charles. Well, here's the bouse which holds the lovely prize, quiet and serene: here no noisy footmen throng to tell the world that. Charles. Bravely resolv'd! the world cannot beauty dwells within, no ceremonious visit be more savage than our parents, and fortune makes the lover wait, no rival to give my generally assists the bold, therefore consent heart a pang, Who would not scale the now: why should she put it to a future hawindow at midnight without fear of the jea-zard? who knows when we shall have another lous father's pistol, rather than fill up the train opportunity? of a coquette, where every minute he is jostled out of place? [Knocks softly] Mrs, Patch! Mrs. Patch!
Patch. Oh, are you come, sir? All's safe.
Isa. Oh, you have your ladder of ropes, ! suppose, and the closet window stands just where it did; and if you han't forgot to write in characters, Patch will find a way for our assignations. Thus much of the Spanish contrivance my father's severity has taught me; I thank him; though I hate the nation, I admire their management in these affairs.
Mar. There he goes! Who the devil lives 1) Dad for father, as pronounced by children learning
1) Ecod for "by God."
der! murder!-[Charles drops down upon Patch. Oh, madam! I see my master coming him from the Balcony] Charles! faith, I'm up the street. glad to see thee safe out, with all my heart! Charles. A of por your bawling! how the devil came you here?
Charles. Oh, the devil! 'would I had my ladder now! I thought you had not expected bim till night. Why, why, why, why, what shall I do, madam? Isa. Oh! for heaven's sake, don't go that way; you'll meet him full in the teeth. Oh, unlucky moment!
Charles. 'Adsheart! can you shut me into no cupboard, nor ram me into a chest, ha? Patch. Impossible, sir; he searches every
hole in the house.
Mar. 'Egad, it's very well for you that I was here; I have done you a piece of service: I told the old thunderbolt that the gentleman that was gone in was
Charles. Was it you that told him, sir? [Laying hold of him] 'Sdeath! I could crush thee into atoms. [Exit. Mar. What! will you choke me for my kindness?-Will my inquiring soul never leave
Isa. Undone for ever! If he sees you I searching into other people's affairs till it gets shall never see you more. squeez'd out of my body? I dare not follow Patch. I have thought on it; run you to him now for my blood, he's in such a pasyour chamber, madam; and, sir, come you sion.-I'll go to Miranda; if I can discover along with me; I'm certain you may easily aught that may oblige sir George, it may be get down from the balcony. a means to reconcile me again to Charles. Charles. My life! adieu-Lead on, guide, Sir J. [Within] Look about! search, find [Exeunt Patch and Charles. [Exit.
12. Heavens preserve him.
SCENE III.-The Street.
Enter SIR JEALOUS TRAFFICK, followed by
Sir J. I don't know what's the matter, but Thave a strong suspicion all is not right within;
Mar. Oh, the devil! there's old Crabstick [Exit.
that fellow's sauntering about my door, and Sir J. Are you sure you have search'd every his tale of a puppy, had the face of a lie, where? methought By St. Jago, If I should find a
Serv. Yes, from the top of the house to the
Sir J. Under the beds and over the beds? Serv. Yes, and in them too, but found nobody, sir.
man in the house I'd make mince-meat of him-bottom.
Sir J. My own key shall let me in; I'll give them no warning. [Feeling for his Key. Mar. What's that you say, sir?
[Going up to Sir Jealous. Sir. J. What's that to you, sir?
[Turns quick upon him. Mar. Yes, 'tis to me, sir; for the gentleman you threaten is a very honest gentleman. Look ; for if he comes not as safe out of your house as he went in
Sir J. What, is he in then?
Mar. Yes, sir, he is in then; and I say if de does not come out, I have half a dozen Myrmidons hard by shall beat your house about
Sir J. Why, what could this rogue mean? Enter ISABINDA' and PATCH. Patch. Take courage, madam; I saw him safe out. [Aside to Isabinda. Isa. Bless me! what's the matter, sir? Sir J. You know best-Pray where's the man that was here just now?
Isa. What man, sir? I saw none.
Patch. Nor I, by the trust you repose in me. Do you think I would let a man come within these doors when you are absent?
Sir J. Ah, Patch! she may be too cunning for thy honesty: the very scout that he had set to give warning discovered it to me-and threatened me with half a dozen myrmidons -but I think I maul'd the villain. These afSir J. Ah! a combination to undo me-I'll flictions you draw upon me, mistress. midon you, ye dog, you-Thieves! thieves! [Beats Marplot. Mar. Murder, murder! I was not in your bouse, sir.
Sere. What's the matter, sir?
Isa. Pardon me, sir, 'tis your own ridiculous humour draws you into these vexations, and gives every fool pretence to banter you.
Sir J. No, 'tis your idle conduct, your coquettish flirting into the balcony-Oh! with what joy shall I resign thee into the arms of don Diego Babinetto!
Sir J. The matter, rascal! you have let a Fan into my house; but I'll flay him alive. Follow me; I'll not leave a mouse-hole un- Sir J. Certainly that rogue had a message arch'd. If I find him, by St. Iago, I'll equip from somebody or other, but being balk'd by k for the opera 1). my coming popp'd that sham 1) upon me.
Isa. And with what industry shall I avoid him. [Aside.
Mar. A deuce of his cane! there's no trustto age-What shall I do to relieve Charles? ad, I'll raise the neighbourhood. - Murby giving a man a good dressing is meant, a good besting, and its being necessary to be full dressed to to the opera in London, the pun cxplains itself.
1) This is one of those elegant expressions which comes under the denomination of slang, or flash; the language of the fashionables in London, the gentlemen boxers, pick-pockets, and murderers, as also of the lowest vulgar. This language is rendered immortal by Mr. Egan in his "Life in London," and description of fights in the Observer news-paper. This slang has been so much