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Come along, ye sots, let's see if we can find Mir. Ay, and a parson too, if you please. the dog again. Patch, lock her up, d'ye hear? Ha, ha, ha! I can't help laughing to think how [Exeunt Sir Jealous and Servants. all the young coxcombs about town will be Patch. Yes, sir-Ay, walk till your heels mortified when they hear of our marriage. ache, you'll find nobody, I promise you. Sir F. So they will, so they will! ha, ha, ha! Mir. Well, I fancy I shall be so happy with my Gardy
Isa. Who could that scout be he talks of? Patch. Nay, I can't imagine, without it was Whisper.
Isa. Well, dear Patch! let's employ all our thoughts how to escape this horrid don Diego; my very heart sinks at his terrible name.
SCENE V.-SIR FRANCIS GRIPE'S House. Enter SIR FRANCIS GRIPE and MIRANDA. Mir. Well, Gardy, how did I perform the dumb scene.
Sir F. If wearing pearls and jewels, or eating gold, as the old saying is, can make thee happy, thou shalt be so, my sweetest, my lovely, my charming, my-verily I know not what to call thee.
Patch. Fear not, madam; don Carlo shall be the man, or I'll lose the reputation of con- Mir. You must know, Gardy, that I am so triving; and then what's a chambermaid good eager to have this business concluded, that I have for? [Exeunt. employed my woman's brother, who is a lawyer in the Temple, to settle matters just to your liking; you are to give your consent to my marriage, which is to yourself you know: but, mum, you must take no notice of that. So then I will, that is, with your leave, put my writings into his hands; then to-morrow we come slap 1) upon them with a wedding that nobody thought on, by which you seize me and my estate, and I suppose make a bonfire of your own act and deed.
Sir. F. To admiration - Thou dear little rogue! let me buss thee for it: nay, adad I will, Chargy, so muzzle, and tuzzle, and hug thee; I will, i'faith, I will.
[Hugging and kissing her. Mir. Nay, Gardy, don't be so lavish. Who would ride post when the journey lasts for life? Sir F. Oh, I'm transported! When, when, my dear! wilt thou convince the world of the happy day? when shall we marry, ha?
Mir. There's nothing wanting but your consent, sir Francis.
Sir F. My consent! what does my charmer mean?
Mir. Nay, 'tis only a whim; but I'll have every thing according to form-therefore when you sign an authentic paper, drawn up by an able lawyer, that I have your leave to marry, the next day makes me yours, Gardy.
Sir F. Ha, ha, ha! a whim indeed! why, is it not demonstration I give my leave when I marry thee?
Mir. Not for your reputation, Gardy; the malicious world will be apt to say you trick me into marriage, and so take the merit from my choice: now I will have the act my own, to let the idle fops see how much I perfer a man loaded with years and wisdom.
Sir F. Manners! What, had 1 no servants without?
Mar. None that could do my business, guardian, which is at present with this lady. Mir. With me, Mr. Marplot? what is it, I beseech you?
Sir F. Ay, sir, what is it? any thing that relates to her, may be delivered to me. Mar. I deny that.
Sir F. Humph! Pr'ythee leave out years, Charg! I'm not so old, as thou shalt find. Mir. That's more than I do, sir. Adad, I'm young: there's a caper for ye! [Jumps. Mar. Indeed, madam! Why then to proMir. Oh, never excuse it; why I like you ceed: Fame says, you know best whether she the better for being old-but I shall suspect tells truth or not, that you and my most con you don't love me if you refuse me this formality.
Sir F. Not love thee, Chargy! Adad, I do love thee better than, than, than, better than -what shall I say? 'egad, better than money; 'faith I do
Mir. That's false, I'm sure.
it do this then.
Sir F. Well, I will do it, Chargy, provided I bring a licence at the same time.
scionable guardian here design'd, contriv'd. plotted, and agreed to chouse a very civil, honest, honourable gentleman out of a hundre pounds: guilty or not?
Mir. That I contriv'd it!
Mar. Ay, you-you said never a Wor against it; so far you are guilty.
Sir F. Pray tell that civil, honest, honour able gentleman, that if he has any more su sums to fool away, they shall be received lik the last; ha, ha, ha! Chous'd, quotha! But used of late in London, that it is very difficult to un- harkye, let him know at the same time, th knowledge of it; and thus the country gentleman is if he dare to report I trick'd him of it, I sha often at a loss in London. Mixed with a number of recommend a lawyer to him, who shall shoexpressions the most vile and abominable that ever could him a trick for twice as much 2). D'ye hear be used, there are some highly poetical ones. The lan
derstand the conversation of gentlemen without some
1) Slang; to come slap upon a person, means suddeni
guage itself is famous for Onomatopoeia, such as, flimsy tell him that.
2) S.ang: to show a trick for twice as much,
worth two, which is the most general expression, mari to be an over-match for a person.
Mar. So, and this is the way you use a eight, as he us'd to do, he shall be saluted gentleman, and my friend!
Mir. Is the wretch thy friend? Mar. The wretch! lookye, madam, don't call names; 'egad, I won't take it.
Mir. Why, you won't beat me, will you? Ha, ba!
with a pistol or a blunderbuss.
Sir F. Oh, monstrous! Why, Chargy, did he use to come to the garden-gate?
Mir. The gardener describ'd just such another man that always watch'd his coming out, and fain would have brib'd him for his entrance-Tell him he shall find a warm reception
Mar. I don't know whether I will or no. Sir F. Sir, I shall make a servant show you if he comes this night. out at the window if you are saucy.
Mar. Pistols and blunderbusses!
'Egad, a Mar. I am your most humble servant, guar-warm reception indeed! I shall take care to dian; I design to go out the same way I came inform him of your kindness, and advise him in. I would only ask this lady one question. to keep further off.
Don't you think he's a fine gentleman?
Mar. Not you, Gardy, not you! Don't
Mir. I hope he will understand my meaning better than to follow your advice. [Aside. Sir F. Thou hast sign'd, seal'd and ta'en pos
think, in your soul, that sir George Airy is a session of my heart for ever, Chargy, ha, ha, ha! and for you, Mr. Saucebox, let me have no more of your messages, if ever you design
very fine gentleman?
Mir. He dresses well.
Sir F. Which is chiefly owing to his tailor to inherit your estate, gentleman.
and valet de chambre.
Sure I shall
Mar. Well! and who is your dress owing be out of your clutches one day-Well, guarto, ha? There's a beau, ma'am-do but look dian, I say no more: but if you be not as arat bim! rant a cuckold as e'er drove bargain upon the Exchange, or paid attendance to a court, I am the son of a whetstone; and so your humble
Sir F. Sirrah!
Mir. And if being a beau be a proof of his being a fine gentleman, he may be so.
Mar. He may be so! Why, ma'am, the juditions part of the world allow him wit, cou-ha, rage, gallantry, ay, and economy too, though I think he forfeited that character when he flung away a hundred pounds upon your dumb ladyship.
Mir. Mr. Marplot, don't forget the message: ha, ha, ha!
Mar. Nang, nang, nang! [Exit. Sir F. I am so provok'd-'tis well he's gone. Mir. Oh, mind him not, Gardy, but let's sign articles, and then
Sir F. And then-Adad, I believe I am me
Sir F. Does that gall him? Ha, ha, ha! Mir. So, sir George, remaining in deep dis-tamorphos'd, my pulse beats high, and my blood content, has sent you, his trusty squire, to ut- boils, methinks [Kissing and hugging her. ter his complaint. Ha, ha, ha! Mir. Oh, fie, Gardy! be not so violent: consider the market lasts all the year.-Well, I'll in, and see if the lawyer be come: you'll follow. [Exit.
Mar. Yes, madam! and you, like a cruel hard-hearted Jew, value it no more- - than I your ladyship, were I sir George; you you, you
Mir. Oh, don't call names: I know you love to be employed, and I'll oblige you, and you ball carry him a message from me.
Mar. According as I like it. What is it? Mir. Nay, a kind one, you may be sure Fast, tell him I have chose this gentleman, to Lave and to hold 1) and so forth.
[Taking the Hand of Sir F. Mar. Much good may he do you! Sir F. Oh, the dear rogue! how I dote on [Aside Mir. And advise his impertinence to trouble no more, for I prefer sir Francis for a basand before all the fops in the universe. Mar. Oh Lord, oh Lord! she's bewitched, Sir G. Nay, pr'ythee, don't be grave, Charles: Here's a husband for eighteen misfortunes will happen. Ha, ha, ha! 'tis here's a tit-bit for a young lady-here's a some comfort to have a companion in our sufshape, an air, and a grace-here's bones ratt-ferings.
g in a leathern bag-[Turning Sir Fran- Charles. I am only apprehensive for Isaabout here's buckram and canvass to binda; her father's humour is implacable; and wrab you to repentance.
how far his jealousy may transport him to
Sir F. Sirrah, my cane shall teach you re- her undoing, shocks my soul to think. pretance presently.
Sir G. But since you escap'd undiscover'd by him, his rage will quickly lash into a calm,
Mar. No, faith, I have felt its twin brother
Charles. But who knows what that unlucky the garden-gate on the left hand, for if dog, Marplot, told him; nor can I imagine dare to saunter there, about the hour of what brought him thither: that fellow is ever doing mischief; and yet, to give him his due, These words are employed in the marriage-contract, he never designs it. This is some blundering adventure wherein he thought to show his
and low-terms, like other heterogenea, make an odd Parce in friendly conversation.
friendship, as he calls it! a curse on him! omen, My dear Marplot! let me embrace thee;
Sir G. Then you must forgive him. What said he?
Charles. Said! nay, I had more mind to cut his throat, than to hear his excuses. Sir G. Where is he?
Whis. Sir, I saw him go into sir Francis Gripe's, just now.
Charles. Oh! then he's upon your business, sir George a thousand to one but he makes some mistake there too.
Sir G. Impossible, without he huffs the lady, and makes love to sir Francis.
thou art my friend, my better angel.
Sir G. My life! thou hast sav'd my soul,
Mar. Whither does that letter go? Now
Draw. Mr. Marplot is below, gentlemen, dare I not ask for my blood-That fellow and desires to know if he may have leave to wait upon ye.
Charles. How civil the rogue is when he has done a fault!
Sir G. Ho! desire him to walk up. [Exit Drawer] Pr'ythee, Charles, throw off this chagrin, and be good company,
Charles. Nay, hang hìm, I'm not angry with him.
Sir G. Why, pr'ythee?
knows more secrets than I do.-Aside. Fol-
Mar. Whisper, here's half a crown for you.
Mar. Now where is that letter going?
Charles. I begin to conceive you.
Sir G. Ay, ay, never fear that; she shall see I despise her frowns; let her use the blunderbuss against the next fool; she shan't reach me with the smoke, I warrant her; ha, ha, ha!
Mar. Ah, Charles! if you could receive a disappointment thus en cavalier, one should have some comfort in being beat for you.
Charles. The fool comprehends nothing.
Sir G. I kiss both your hands — And now for the garden-gate.
It's beauty gives the assignation there, And love too powerful grows t'admit of fear. [Exil. Charles. Come, you shall go home with me. Mar. Shall I! and are we friends, Charles? -I am glad of it.
Charles. Come along.
Mar. Hark'e, sir George, let me warn you; Mar. 'Egad, Charles's asking me to go home pursue your old haunt no more; it may be with him gives me a shrewd suspicion there's dangerous. [Charles sits down to write. more in the garden-gate than I 'comprehend. Sir G. My old haunt! what do you mean? Faith, I'll give him the drop), and away to Mar. Why, in short then, since you will Gardy's and find it out. have it, Miranda vows if you dare approach the garden-gate at eight o'clock, as you us'd, you shall meet with a warm reception.
Sir G. A warm reception!
Mar. Ay, a very warm reception-you shall be saluted with a blunderbuss, sir. These were her very words: nay, she bid me tell you so too. Sir G. Ha! the garden-gate at eight, as I us'd to do! There must be meaning in this. Is there such a gate, Charles?
Mar. Is there such a gate, Charles? Charles. Yes, yes, it opens into the Park: I suppose her ladyship has made many a scamper through it.
Sir G. It must be an assignation then. Ha! my heart springs for joy; tis a propitious
SCENE I.-The outside of SIR JEALOUS TRAF-
Whis. Ha! Mrs. Patch, this is a lucky minute, to find you so readily; my master dies with impatience.
Patch. My lady imagin'd so, and by her orders I have been scouting this hour in search of you, to inform you that sir Jealous has in vited some friends to supper with him to-night
1) I'll give him the drop; I'll give him the slip, is alm for, I'll get away from him.
which gives an opportunity to your master to
SCENE II.-ISABINDA's Chamber.
[Exit. Patch. Nay, I'm sure it can be no where
Enter SIR JEALOUS TRAFFICK, with a Letter in his Hand.
How now, what do you want?
But. My master ordered me to lay the cloth here for supper.
Isa. Ruin'd past redemption- [Aside. Patch. You mistake, sure. What shall we do? Isa. I thought he expected company to-night Oh, poor Charles! oh, unfortunate Isabinda! But. I thought so too, madam; but I sup
Sir J. So, this is some comfort; this tells me that signior don Diego Babinetto is safely arriv'd. He shall marry my daughter the minute he comes-Ha, ha! what's here? [Takes up the Letter Patch dropped] A letter! I don't know what to make of the superscription. I see what's withinside. [Opens it]Humph-'tis Hebrew, I think. What can this mean?-There must be some trick in it. This pose he has altered his mind. was certainly design'd for my daughter; but I don't know that she can speak any language but her mother tongue. No matter for that; action has undone me. Fly and fasten the this may be one of love's hieroglyphics; and closet window, which will give Charles notice 1 fancy I saw Patch's tail sweep by: that to retire. Ha! my father! oh, confusion! wench may be a slut, and instead of guarding my honour betray it. I'll find it out, I'm resel'd-Who's there?
What answer did you bring from the gentlemen I sent you to invite?
Sere. That they'd all wait on, you, sir, as I told you before; but I suppose you forgl, sir.
Sir J. Did I so, sir? but I shan't forget to break your head if any of them come, sir. Serv. Come, sir! why, did not you send me to desire their company, sir?
Sir J. But I send you now to desire their hence. Say I have something extraordinary e out, which calls me abroad contrary to expectation, and ask their pardon; and, d'ye bear, send the butler to me.
Serv. Yes, sir.
[Lays the Cloth, and exit. Isa. The letter is the cause. This heedless
Enter SIR JEALOUS TRAFFICK,
whither are you out of the room
Patch. Sir, I was going to reach your easy chair-oh, wretched accident! [Aside. Sir J. I'll have nobody stir out of the room. don't want my easy chair.
Si J. If this paper has a meaning I'll find I -Lay the cloth in my daughter's chamber, and hid the cook send supper thither pre
But. Yes, sir. Hey-day! what's the matter [Exit.
Sir J. He wants the eyes of Argus that has ayung handsome daughter in this town; but
Isa. What will be the event of this? [Aside. Sir J. Harkye, daughter, do you know this hand?
Isa. As I suspected [Aside]-Hand, do you
Isa. Do you understand it, sir?
Isa. Thank heav'n you do not [Aside] Then
Str J. What is it? speak.
Patch. Yes, sir, it is a charm for the toothcomfort is I shall not be troubled long ache-I have worn it these seven years; 'twas ber. He that pretends to rule a girl once given me by an angel for aught I know, when ber teens had better be at sea in a storm, I was raving with the pain, for nobody knew would be in less danger. [Exit. from whence he came nor whither he went.
He charged me never to open it, lest some, Sir J. Hey, hey! why, you are a-top of the dire vengeance befall me, and heaven knows house, and you are down in the cellar. What what will be the event. Óh, cruel misfortune! is the meaning of this? is it on purpose to that I should drop it and you should open it cross me, ha?
-If you had not open'd it-
Patch. Pray, madam, take it a little lower;
Patch. So all's right again thus far. [Aside. Isa. I would not lose Patch for the world -I'll take courage a little. [Aside] Is this usage for your daughter, sir? must my virtue and conduct be suspected for every trifle? You immure me like some dire offender here, and deny me all the recreations which my sex enjoy, and the custom of the country and modesty allow; yet not content with that, you make my confinement more intolerable by your mistrusts and jealousies. Would I were dead, so I were free from this.
Sir J. To-morrow rids you of this tiresome load: Don Diego Babinetto will be here, and then my care ends and his begins.
Isa. Is he come then?-Oh, how shall I avoid this hated marriage!
Enter Servants, with Supper. Sir J. Come, will you sit down? Isa. I can't eat, sir.
Patch. No, I dare swear he has supper enough. I wish I could get
Isa. Well, begin-Oh, Patch, we shall be discover'd. [Aside. Patch. I sink with apprehension, madam. [Aside]-Humph, humph.
[Sings. Charles opens the Closet door. Charles, Music and singing! Death! her father there! [The Women shriek] Then I must fly
[Exit into the Closet. Sir Jealous rises up hastily, seeing Charles slip back into the Closet.
Sir J. Hell and furies! a man in the closet!— Patch. Ah! a ghost! a ghost!-He must not enter the closet.
[Isabinda throws herself down before the Closet door as in a swoon. Sir J. The devil! I'll make a ghost of him, I warrant you. [Strives to get by. Patch. Oh, hold, sir, have a care; you'll tread upon my lady-Who waits there? bring some water. Oh, this comes of your opening the charm. Oh, oh, oh, oh! [Weeps aloud.
Sir J. I'll charm you, housewife. Here lies the charm that conjur'd this fellow in, I'm sure given her on't. Come out, you rascal, do so. Zounds! into the take her from the door or I'll spurn her from closet. [Aside. it, and break your neck down stairs. Where Sir J. Well, if you can't eat, then give me are you, sirrah? Villain! robber of my hoa song, whilst I do. nour! I'll pull you out of your nest.
Isa. I have such a cold I can scarce speak, sir, much less sing. How shall I prevent Charles's coming in?
[Goes into the Closet. Patch. You'll be mistaken, old gentleman;
[Aside. the bird is flown.
Sir J. I hope you have the use of your fingers, madam. Play a tune upon your spinnet whilst your woman sings me a song.
Isa. I shall make excellent music.
Isa. I'm glad I have 'scap'd so well; I was almost dead in earnest with the fright.
Re-enter SIR JEALOUS out of the Closet. Patch. I'm as much out of tune as my lady, Sir J. Whoever the dog were he has esif he knew all.' [Aside. cap'd out of the window, for the sash is up. but though he is got out of my reach, you are [Sits down to play. not. And first, Mrs. Pander, with your charms Patch. Really, sir, I am so frighten'd about for the tooth-ache, get out of my house, go, your opening this charm that I can't remem- troop; yet hold, stay, I'll see you out of doors ber one song. myself; but I'll secure your charge ere I go. Isa. What do you mean, sir? was she not a creature of your own providing?
Sir J. Pish! hang your charm! come, come, sing any thing.
Patch. Yes, I'm likely to sing, truly. [4side] Humph, humph; bless, me! I can't raise my voice, my heart pants so.
Sir J. VVhy, what does your heart pant so that you can't play neither? Pray what key are you in, ha?'
Patch. Ah, would the key 1) was turn'd on
Sir J. She was of the devil's providing, for aught I know.
Patch. What have I done, sir, to merit your displeasure?
Sir J. I don't know which of you have done it, but you shall both suffer for it, till I can discover whose guilt it is. Go, get in there: [Aside. I'll move you from this side of the house Sir J. Why don't you sing, I say? [Pushes Isabinda in at the Door and lock. Patch. When madam has put her spinnet it, puts the Key in his Pocket] I'll keep th in tune, sir: humph, humphkey myself; I'll try what ghost will get int Isa. I cannot play, sir, whatever ails me. that room: and now forsooth I'll wait on you [Rising. down stairs.
Sir J. Zounds! sit down and play me a tune, or I'll break the spinnet about your ears. Isa. What will become of me? [Sits down and plays. Sir. J. Come, mistress. [To Patch. Patch. Yes, sir. [Sings, but horridly out of tune.
1) The pun consists in the word Key's being employed in music as well as for the door.
Patch. Ah, my poor lady!-Down stair sir! but I won't go out, sir, till I have lock up my clothes, and that's flat.
Sir J. If thou wert as naked as thou born, thou shouldst not stay to put smock, and that's flat.
SCENE III.-The Street.