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Ob, Mr. Charles! your affairs and mine are in an ill posture.
Charles. I am inur'd to the frowns of fortune; but what has befall'n, thee?
Scent. For aught you know. Come, come, your haud, and away.
Sir G. Here, here, child; you can't be half so swift as my desires.
SCENE V.-The House.
Mir. Well, let me reason a little with my mad self. Now, don't I transgress all rules to venture upon a man without the advice of the grave and wise! But then a rigid, knavish Patch. Sir Jealous, whose suspicious nature guardian who would have marry'd me-- to is always on the watch, nay, even while one whom? even to his nauseous self, or nobody. eye sleeps the other keeps sentinel, upon sight Sir George is what I have try'd in conversaof you flew into such a violent passion, that tion, inquir'd into his character, and am satisI could find no stratagem to appease him, but fied in both. Then his love! who would have in spite of all arguments he lock'd his daughter given a hundred pounds only to have seen a into his own apartment, and turn'd me out woman he had not infinitely lov'd? So I find
Charles. Ha! oh, Isabinda!
Patch. And swears she shall see neither sun nor moon till she is don Diego Babinetto's wife, who arrived last night, and is expected with impatience,
Charles, He dies; yes, by all the wrongs of love he shall: here will I plant myself, and through my breast he shall make his passage, if he enters.
Patch. Amost heroic resolution! there might ways found out more to your advantage: policy is often preferr'd to open force.
Charles. I apprehend' you not.
my liking him has furnish'd me with arguments enough of his side: and now the only doubt remains whether he will come or no.
Enter SCENTWELL and SIR George Airy. Scent. That's resolv'd, madam, for here's the knight. [Exit. Sir G. And do I once more behold that lovely object whose idea fills my mind, and forms my pleasing dreams?
Mir. What, beginning again in heroics?Sir George, don't you remember how little fruit your last prodigal oration produc'd? Not one bare, single word in answer.
Patch. What think you of personating this Spaniard, imposing upon the father, and marrying your mistress by his own consent? Charles. Say'st thou so, my angel! Oh, could that be done, my life to come would Mir. No more of these flights. Do you be too short to recompense thee: but how can think we can agree on that same terrible bugI do that when I neither know what ship he bear, matrimony, without heartily repenting ou Came in, nor from what part of Spain; who both sides? recommends him, or how attended.
Sir G. Ha! the voice of my incognita!Why did you take then thousand ways to captivate a heart your eyes alone had vanquish'd?
Patch. I can solve all this. He is from Madrid, bis father's name don Pedro Questo Portento Babinetto. Here's a letter of his to sir Jealous, which he dropp'd one day. You un derstand Spanish, and the hand may be counkrfeited. You conceive me, sir?
Sir G. It has been my wish since first my longing eyes beheld you.
Mir. And your happy ears drank in the pleasing news I had thirty thousand pounds.
Sir G. Unkind! Did I not offer you, in those purchas'd minutes, to run the risk of your fortune, so you would but secure that lovely perCharles. My better genius! thou hast re-son to my arms?
my drooping soul. I'll about it instantly. Mir. Well, if you have such love and tenCome to my lodgings, and we'll concert mat-dern:ss, since our wooing has been short, pray
[Exeunt. reserve it for our future days, to let the world see we are lovers after wedlock; 'twill be a SCENE IV.-A Garden-gate open; SCENT- novelty.
WELL waiting within. Enter SIR GEORGE AIRY. Sir G. So, this is the gate, and most invit- Mir. Hold, not so fast; I have provided betingly open. If there should be a blunderbuss ter than to venture on dangerous experiments here now, what a dreadful ditty would my fall headlong-My guardian, trusting to my dismake for fools, and what a jest for the wits; sembled love, has given up my fortune to my how my name would be roar'd about the own disposal, but with this proviso, that he streets! Well, I'll venture all. to-morrow morning weds me. He is now gone to Doctor's Commons for a licence. Sir G. Ha! a licence!
Sir G. Haste then, and let us tie the knot, and prove the envied pair
Scent. Hist, hist! sir George Airy-
Mir. But I have planted emissaries that infallibly take him down to Epsom, under a preScent. No, I'm not your dear, but I'll con- tence that a brother usurer of his is to make to her. Give me your hand; you him his executor, the thing on earth he covets.
mast go through many
Sir G. "Tis his known character.
Mir. Now my instruments confirm him this man is dying, and he sends me word he goes this minute. It must be to-morrow ere he can be undeceiv'd: that time is ours.
Sir G. Let us improve it then, and settle a, a, a, a, a monkey shut up there; and if on our coming years, endless happiness. you open it before the man comes that is to Mir. I dare not stir till I hear he's on the tame it, 'tis so wild 'twill break all my china road-then I and my writings, the most ma- or get away, and that would break my heart; terial point, are soon remov'd. for I'm fond on't to distraction, next thee, dear [In a flattering Tone.
Sir G. I have one favour to ask if it lies Gardy? in your power you would be a friend to poor Sir F. Well, well, Chargy, I won't open Charles; though the son of this tenacious man, it; she shall have her monkey, poor rogue! he is as free from all his vices as nature and Here, throw this peel out of the window. a good education can make him; and, what
[Exit Scentwell. now I have vanity enough to hope will in- Mar. A monkey! Dear madam, let me see duce you, he is the man on earth I love. it; I can tame a monkey as well as the best Mir. I never was his enemy, and only put of them all: Oh, how I love the little minia it on as it help'd my designs on his father. If tures of man! his uncle's estate ought to be in his possession, which I shrewdly suspect, I may do him a singular piece of service.
Sir G. You are all goodness.
Scent. Oh, madam! my master and Mr. Marplot are just coming into the house. Mir. Undone, undone! if he finds you here in this crisis, all my plots are unravell'd. Sir G. What shall I do? Can't I get back into the garden?
Scent. Oh no! he comes up those stairs. Mir. Here, here, here! Can you condescend to stand behind this chimney-board, sir George?
Sir G. Any where, any where, dear ma dam! without ceremony.
Scent. Come, come, sir, lie close.
Enter SIR FRANCIS GRIPE and MARPLOT;
Mir. Be quiet, mischief!, and stand further
Mar. For heaven's sake, dear madam! let
Mir. Not yet, but I design it one shall last its lifetime. Nay, you shall not see it.-Look, Gardy, how he teazes me!
Sir F. [Getting between him and the Chimney.] Sirrah, sirrah, let my Chargy's monkey alone, or bamboo shall fly about your ears. What, is there no dealing with you? Mar. Pugh, pox of the monkey! here's a rout! I wish he may rival you.
Sero. Sir, they have put two more horses to the coach, as you order'd, and 'tis ready at the door.
better for thee, jewel. B'ye, Chargy; one buss! Sir F. Well, I am going to be executor; -I'm glad thou hast got a monkey to divert thee a little.
Mir. Thank'e, dear Gardy!-Nay, I'll see you to the coach.
Sir F. That's kind, adad.
Mir. Come along, impertinence. [To Marplet. Mar. [Stepping back] 'Egad, I will see the monkey now. [Lifts up the Board, and discovers Sir George] O Lord! O Lord! Thieves! thieves! murder!
SIR FRANCIS peeling an Orange. Sir F. I could not go, though 'tis upon life and death, without taking leave of dear Chargy. Besides, this fellow buzz'd into my ears that thou might'st be so desperate as to shoot that wild rake which haunts the garden-gate, and that would bring us into trouble, dearMir. So Marplot brought you back then? Mar. Yes, I brought him back. Mir, I'm oblig'd to him for that, I'm sure. [Frowning at Marplot aside. Sir G. Damn ye, you unlucky dog! 'tis I. Mar. By her looks she means she's not Which way shall I get out? Show me inoblig'd to me. I have done some mischief now, stantly, or I'll cut your throat. [Aside. Mar. Undone, undone! At that door there. Sir F. Well, Chargy, I have had three But hold, hold; break that china, and I'll bring messengers to come to Epsom to my neigh-you off. [He runs off at the Corner, and bour Squeezum's, who, for all his vast riches, throws down some China. is departing. [Sighs,
but what I can't imagine,
Mar. Ay, see what all you usurers must Re-enter
SIR FRANCIS Gripe, Miranda, and
Sir F. Peace, you young knave! Some forty Sir F. Mercy on me! what's the matter? years hence I may think on'tBut, Chargy, Mir. O, you toad! what have you done? I'll be with thee to-morrow before those pretty Mar. No great harm; I beg of you to for eyes are open; I will, I will, Chargy, I'll rouse give me. Longing to see the monkey, I did you, i'faith-Here, Mrs. Scentwell, lift up your but just raise up the board, and it flew over lady's chimney-board, that I may throw my peel) in, and not litter her chamber. Mir. Oh, my stars! what will become of us now? [Aside Scent. Oh, pray, sir, give it me; I love it above all things in nature, indeed I do. Sir F. No, no, hussy; you have the green pip already; I'll have no apothecary's bills. [Goes towards the Chimney. Mir. Hold, hold, hold, dear Gardy! I have 1) Orange peel,
my shoulders, scratch'd all my face, broke your
Sir F. Was ever such an unlucky rogue! Sirrab, I forbid you my house. Call the servants to get the monkey again. Pug, pug pug! I would stay myself to look for it, but you know my earnest business.
Scent. Oh, my lady will be best to lure i
back : all them creatures love my lady extremely. delay. Shall we make Marplot of the party? Mir. Go, go, dear Gardy! I hope I shall Mir. If you'll run the hazard, sir George; recover it. I believe he means well.
Sir F. B'ye, b'ye, dearee! Ah, mischief! how Mar. Nay, nay, for my part I desire to be you look now! B'ye, b'ye. [Exit. let into nothing; I'll be gone, therefore pray
Mir. Scentwell, see him in the coach, and don't mistrust me. bring me word.
[Going. Sir G. So now he has a mind to be gone Scent. Yes, madam. [Exit. to Charles: but not knowing what affairs he Mir. So, sir, you have done your friend a may have upon his hands at present, I'm resignal piece of service, I suppose. solv'd he shan't stir. [Aside] No, Mr. Marplot, Mar. Why, look you, madam, if I have you must not leave us; we want a third percommitted a fault, thank yourself; no man is son. [Takes hold of him. more serviceable when I am let into a secret, Mar. I never had more mind to be gone and none more unlucky at finding it out. in my life.
Who could divine your meaning; when you Mir. Come along then; if we fail in the talk'd of a blunderbuss, who thought of a voyage, thank yourself for taking this ill-starr'd rendezvous? and when you talk'd of a monkey, gentleman on board.
who the devil dreamt of sir George?
Mir. A sign you converse but little with
Sir G. That vessel ne'er can unsuccessful
our sex, when you can't reconcile contradictions, Whose freight is beauty, and whose pilot's
Scent. He's gone, madam, as fast as the coach and six can carry him
Re-enter SIR GEORGE AIRY.
Sir G. Then I may appear.
Mar. Here's pug, ma'am—Dear sir George! make my peace, on my soul I never took for a monkey before.
Sir G. I dare swear thou didst not. Madam, SCENE I.-A Room in SIR FRANCIS GRIPE'S
I beg you to forgive him,
Mir. Well, sir George, if he can be secret. Mer. 'Odsheart, madam! I'm as secret as a priest when trusted.
Sir G. Why 'tis with a priest our business is at present.
Scent. Madam, here's Mrs. Isabinda's woman to wait on you. Mir. Bring her up.
How do ye, Mrs. Patch? What news from your lady?
Enter MIRANDA, PATCH, and SCENTWELL. Mir. Well, Patch, I have done a strange bold thing; my fate is determin'd, and expectation is no more. Now to avoid the impertinence and roguery of an old man, I have thrown myself into the extravagance of a young one; if he should despise, slight, or use me ill, there's no remedy from a husband but the grave, and that's a terrible sanctuary to one of my age and constitution.
Patch. O! fear not, madam; you'll find your Patch. That's for your private ear, madam. account in sir George Airy; it is impossible Sir George, there's a friend of yours has an a man of sense should use a woman ill, argent occasion for your assistance. Sir G. His name,
Mar. Ha! then there's something a-foot that I know nothing of. [Aside] I'll wait on you, Sir George. Sir G. A third person may not be proper, perhaps. As soon as I have dispatched my affairs I am at his service. I'll send my servant to tell him I'll wait on him in half an hour.
Mir. How came you 'employed in this mes
sage, Mrs. Patch?
dued with beauty, wit, and fortune. It must be the lady's fault if she does not wear the unfashionable name of wife easy, when nothing but complaisance and good humour is requisite on either side to make them happy.
Mir. I long till I am out of this house, lest any accident should bring my guardian back. Scentwell, put my best jewels into the little casket, slip them into thy pocket, and let us march off to sir Jealous's.
Scent. It shall be done, madam, [Exit. Patch, Sir George will be impatient, madam. If their plot succeeds, we shall be well Patch Want of business, madam; I am receiv'd; if not, he will be able to protect us. discharged by my master, but hope to serve Besides, I long to know how my young lady my lady still.
Mir. Farewell, old Mammon, and thy detested walls! Twill be no more sweet sir Francis! I shall be compell'd the odious task Mar. Tell it here, Mrs. Patch.-Pish! pox! of dissembling no longer to get my own, and I wish I were fairly out of the house. I find coax him with the wheedling names of my marriage is the end of this secret; and now precious, my dear, dear Gardy! O heavens! I'm half mad to know what Charles wants him
[Aside. Enter SIR FRANCIS GRIPE, behind,
Sir G. Madam, I'm doubly press'd by love Sir F. Ah, my sweet Chargy! don't be and friendship. This exigence admits of no frighted: [She starts] but thy poor Gardy has
been abus'd, cheated, fool'd, betray'd; but no-|
Mir. Undone, past redemption! [Aside.
Mir. I am so surpris'd with joy to see you, SCENE II.—An Apartment in the House of I know not what to say.
Sir F. Poor, dear girl! But do you know that my son, or some such rogue, to rob or murder me, or both, contriv'd this journey? for upon the road I met my neighbour Squeezum well, and coming to town.
Mir. Good lack! good lack! what tricks are there in this world!
SIR JEALOUS TRAFFICK.
Enter SIR JEALOUS TRAFFICK, meeting a
Serv. Sir, here's a couple of gentlemen in-
Sir J. Ha! Signior Babinetto! admit 'em instantly-joyful minute; I'll have my daughter
Re-enter SCENTWELL, with a diamond Neck-married to-night.
Sir F. What's the matter?
Charles. Senhor, soy muy humilde, y muy obligado cryado de vuestra merced: mi padre embia a vuestra merced, los mas profondos de sus respetos; y a commissionado este mercadel Ingles, de concluyr un negocio, que me haze el mas dichoss hombre del mundo, haziendo me su yerno.
Mir. Only, dearee! I bid her, I bid herYour ill-usage has put every thing out of my head. But won't you go, Gardy, and find out these fellows, and have them punished, and, andSir J. I am glad on't, for I find I have lost Sir F. Where should I look for them, child? much of my Spanish. Sir, I am your most no, I'll sit me down contented with my safety, humble servant. Signior don Diego Babinetto nor stir out of my own doors till I go with has informed me that you are commissioned thee to a parson. by signior don Pedro, etc. his worthy father
Mir. If he goes into his closet I am ruin'd. [Aside] Oh, bless me! In this fright I forgot Mrs. Patch.
Patch. Ay, madam, and I stay for speedy answer.
Sir G. To see an affair of marriage conhad summated between a daughter of yours and signior Diego Babinetto his son here. True, your sir, such a trust is repos'd in me, as that letter will inform you. I hope 'twill pass upon him. [Aside. Gives him a Letter. Sir J. Ay, 'tis his hand. [Seems to read. Sir G. Good, you have counterfeited to a nicety, Charles. [Aside to Charles. Sir J. Sir, I find by this that you are a man of honour and probity; I think, sir, he calls you Meanwell.
Mir. I must get him out of the house. Now assist me, fortune! [Aside. Sir F. Mrs. Patch! I profess I did not see you how dost thou do, Mrs. Patch? Well, don't you repent leaving my Chargy?
Patch. Yes, every body must love her-but I come now-Madam, what did I come for? my invention is at the last ebb.
Sir G. Meanwell is my name, sir. [Aside to Miranda. Sir J. A very good name, and very signiSir F. Nay, never whisper, tell me. ficant. For to mean well is to be honest, and Mir. She came, dear Gardy! to invite me to be honest is the virtue of a friend, and a to her lady's wedding, and you shall go with friend is the delight and support of human me, Gardy; 'tis to be done this moment, to a society.
Spanish merchant. Old sir Jealous keeps on Sir G. You shall find that I'll discharge the his humour: the first minute he sees her, the part of a friend in what I have undertaken, next he marries her. sir Jealous. Therefore, sir, I must entreat the
Sir F. Ha, ha, ha, ha! I'd go if I thought presence of your fair daughter, and the assist the sight of matrimony would tempt Chargy ance of your chaplain; for signior don Pedro to perform her promise. There was a smile, strictly enjoined me to see the marriage rites there was a consenting look, with those pretty performed as soon as we should arrive, 10 twinklers, worth a million! 'Ods - precious! I avoid the accidental overtures of Venus. am happier than the great mogul, the emperor Sir J. Overtures of Venus! of China, or all the potentates that are not in Sir G. Ay, sir; that is, those little hawking the wars. Speak, confirm it, make me leap females that traverse the park and the playout of my skin. house to put off their damag'd ware Mir. When one has resolved, 'tis in vain fasten upon foreigners like leeches, and watch to stand shilly-shally. If ever I marry, posi- their arrival as carefully as the Kentish men tively this is my wedding-day. do a shipwreck: I warrant you they have heard
Sir J. Nay, I know this town swarms with
Sir F. Oh! happy, happy man-Verily, I of him already. will beget a son the first night shall disinherit that dog Charles. I have estate enough to them. purchase a barony, and be the immortalizing the whole family of the Gripes.
Mir. Come then, Gardy, give me thy hand; let's to this house of Hymen.
Sir G. Ay, and then you know the Spa niards are naturally amorous, but very con stant; the first face fixes 'em; and it may very dangerous to let him ramble ere he is tie
Sir J. Pat to my purpose 1) - Well, sir,| Isa. Oh! never, never!
there is but one thing more, and they shall Could I suspect that falsehood in my heart, be married instantly. I would this moment tear it from my breast, Charles. Pray heaven that one thing more And straight present him with the treach'rous don't spoil all. [Aside. Sir J. Don Pedro wrote me word, in his Sir J. Falsehood! why, who the devil are last but one, that he designed the sum of five you in love with? Don't provoke me, for by thousand crowns by way of jointure for my St. Iago I shall beat you, housewife. daughter, and that it should be paid into my Sir G. Sir Jealous, you are too passionate. band upon the day of marriageGive me leave, I'll try by gentle words to Charles. Oh, the devil! work her to your purpose.
Sir J. In order to lodge it in some of our
Sir J. I pray do, Mr. Meanwell, I pray
funds in case she should become a widow, she'll break my heart. [Weeps] There is in and return to Englandthat casket jewels of the value of three thou
What shall I say?
Sir G. Pox on't! this is an unlucky turn. sand pounds, which were her mother's, and [Aside. a paper wherein I have settled one-half of Sir J. And he does not mention one word my estate upon her now, and the whole when of it in this letter. I die, but provided she marries this gentleman, Sir G. Humph! True, sir Jealous, he told else by St. Iago, I'll turn her out of doors to me such a thing, but, but, but, but-he, he, beg or starve. Tell her this, Mr. Meanwell, he, be-he did not imagine that you would pray do. [Walks toward Charles. the upon very day; for, for, for, for Sir G. Ha! this is beyond expectation mony, you know, is dangerous returning by Trust to me, sir, I'll lay the dangerous consequence of disobeying you at this juncture Charles. Zounds! say we have brought it before her, I warrant you. Come, madam, do in commodities. [Aside to Sir George. not blindly cast your life away just in the Sir G. And so, sir, he has sent it in mer-moment you would wish to save it. chandize, tobacco, sugars, spices, lemons, and Isa. Pray cease your trouble, sir: I have so forth, which shall be turned into money no wish but sudden death to free me from with all expedition: in the mean time, sir, if you this hated Spaniard. If you are his friend,
sea, an, an, an
please to accept of my bond for performance-inform him what I say. Sir J. It is enough, sir; I am so pleas'd Sir G. Suppose this Spaniard, which you with the countenance of signior Diego, and strive to shun, should be the very man to the harmony of your name, that I'll take your whom you'd fly? word, and will fetch my daughter this moment. Within there.
Desire Mr. Tackum, my neighbour's chaplain, to walk hither.
Serv. Yes, sir.
Sir G. Would you not blame your rash resolve, and curse your eyes that would not look on Charles?
Isa. On Charles! Where is he? Sir G. Hold, hold, hold. 'Sdeath! madam, Sir. J. Gentlemen, I'll return in an instant. you'll ruin all. Your father believes him to [Exit. be signior Babinetto. Compose yourself a little, Sir G. 'Egad, that five thousand crowns had pray madam. [He runs to Sir Jealous] She
like to have ruined the plot.
Charles. But that's over; and if fortune throws no more rubs in our way
Sir G. Thou'lt carry the prize-But hist!
here he comes.
begins to hear reason, sir; the fear of being turned out of doors has done it. Speak gently to her, sir; I'm sure she'll yield; I see it in her face.
Sir J. Well, Isabinda, can you refuse to bless a father whose only care is to make
Re-enter SIR JEALOUS TRAFFICK, dragging you happy. in ISABINDA.
Sir J. Come along, you stubborn baggage, you! come along.
Isa. Oh! hear me, sir, hear me but speak one word;
Do not destroy my everlasting peace;
Isa. Let this posture move your tender na-
Sir J. Did you ever see such a perverse slut? Off, I say. Mr. Meanwell, pray help me
Sir G. Rise, madam, and do not disoblige
Isa. Oh, sir! do with me what you please; am all obedience.
Sir J. And wilt thou love him?
Isa. I will endeavour it, sir.
Serv. Sir, here is Mr. Tackum.
[Gives her to Charles. Charles. Senhor, yo la recibo como se deve un tesora tan grande. [Embraces her. Sir J. Now, Mr. Meanwell, let's to the parson, Who, by his art, will join this pair for life, Make me the happiest father, her the happiest
your father, who has provided a husband worthy SCENE III.-The Street before SIR JEALOUS
you, one that will love you equal with his
soul, and one that you will love, when once
you know him.
1) Pat means, exactly.
Mar. I have hunted all over the town for