Lady W. Now, that is so like him! Lady W. No doubt on't! Think of your Man. So, the family comes on finely! [Aside. thousand a year, and who got it you; go, Sir F. An hundred pound in the morning, eat your dinner, and be thankful, go! [Drieand want another afore night! Waunds and ing him to the Door] Come, Mrs. Motherly. fire! the lord mayor of London could not [Exit Lady Wronghead and Mrs. Motherly hold it at this rate. Sir F. Very fine! so here I mun fast, till Man. Oh, do you feel it, sir? [Aside. I am almost famished, for the good of my Lady W. My dear, you seem uneasy; let country, while madam is laying me out an me have the hundred pound, and compose hundred pound a day, in lace as fine as a yourself. cobweb, for the honour of my family! Odds flesh! things had need go well at this rate! Squire R. Nay, nay-come, feyther. [Exeunt Sir Francis and Squire Richard. Sir F. Compose the devil, madam! why, do you consider what a hundred pound a day comes to in a year? Lady W. My life, if I account with you from one day to another, that's really all my head is able to bear at a time-But I'll tell you what I consider-I consider that my advice has got you a thousand pound a year this morning-That now, methinks, you might consider, sir. Sir F. A thousand pound! Yes; but mayhap I mayn't receive the first quarter on't this half year. Enter SQUIRE Richard. Squire R. Feyther, an you doan't come quickly, the meat will be coaled: and I'd fain pick a bit with you. Lady W. Bless me, sir Francis! you are not going to sup by yourself? Sir F. No, but I'm going to dine by myself, and that's pretty near the matter, madam. Lady W. Had not you as good stay a little, my dear? We shall all eat in half an hour; and I was thinking to ask my cousin Manly to take a family morsel with us. Sir F. Nay, for my cousin's good company, I don't care if I ride a day's journey without baiting. Man. By no means, sir Francis. I am going upon a litile business." Sir F. Well, sir, I know you don't love compliments. Man. You'll excuse me, madam— Re-enter MYRTILLA. Myr. Madam, my lady desires you and the count will please to come, and assist her fancy in some of the new laces. Count B. We'll wait upon herJenny. So, I told you how it was; you see she can't bear to leave us together. Count B. No matter, my dear: you know she has asked me to stay supper: so, when your papa and she are a-bed, Mrs. Myrtilla will let me into the house again; then you may steal into her chamber, and we'll have a pretty sneaker of punch together. Myr. Ay, ay, madam, you may command me in any thing. Jenny. Well, that will be pure! Count B. But you had best go to her alone, my life; it will look better if I come after you. Jenny. Ay, so it will: and to-morrow you know at the masquerade: O dear, dear! I wish the time were come. [Exit. Myr. So, sir, am not I very commode to you? Count B. Well, child, and don't you find your account in it? Did I not tell you we might still be of use to one another? Myr. Well, but how stands your affair with miss in the main? Count B. Oh, she's mad for the masquerade! It drives like a nail; we want nothing now but a parson to clinch it. Did not your aunt say she could get one at a short warning? Myr. Yes, yes; my lord Townly's chaplain is her cousin, you know; he'll do your busiOh, Mrs. Motherly! you were saying this mor-ness and mine at the same time. ning, you had some very fine face to show Count B. Oh, it's true! but where shall we Enter MRS. MOTHERLY. me-can't I see it now? [Sir Francis stares. appoint him? Mrs. M. Why really, madam, I had made Myr. Why you know my lady Townly's a sort of a promise to let the countess of Nicely house is always open to the masks upon a have the first sight of it, for the birth-day; ball night, before they go to the Haymarket. but your ladyship Lady W. Oh, I die if I don't see it before her. Squire R. Woant you goa, feyther? Sir F. Waunds, lad, I shall ha' no stomach at this rate! Count B. Good. Myr. Now the doctor proposes we should all come thither in our habits, and when the rooms are full, we may steal up into his chamber, he says, and there-crack-he'll give us all canonical commission to go to bed together. Mrs. M. Well, madam, though I say it, Count B. Admirable! Well, the devil fetch 'tis the sweetest pattern that ever came over me, if I shall not be heartily glad to see thee -and, for fineness-no cobweb comes up to it. well settled, child. Sir F. Odds guts and gizzard, madam! Lace Myr. And may he tuck me under his arm as fine as a cobweb! why, what the devil's at the same time, if I shall not think myself that to cost, now? Mrs. M. Nay, if sir Francis does not like it, madam Lady W. He like it! Dear Mrs. Motherly, he is not to wear it. Sir F. Flesh, madam! but I suppose I am to pay for it! obliged to you as long as I live-But I mus run to my squire. Count B. And I to the ladies-so, your humble servant, sweet Mrs. Wronghead! Myr. Yours, as in duty bound, most nobl count Basset! [Exi Count B. Why, ay! Count! That title ba Sir. F. Every shilling-among a parcel of pigtail puppies, and pale-faced women of quality. Man. If you remember I gave you a hint been of some use to me, indeed: not that I have any more pretence to it, than I have to a blue riband. Yet I have made a pretty considerable figure in life with it. I have lolled of this. in my own chariot, dealt at assemblies, dined Sir F. Why, ay, it's true, you did so: but with ambassadors, and made on at quadrille the devil himself could not have believed she with the first women of quality-But-tempora would have rid post to him. mutantur- since that damned squadron at Man. Sir, if you stay but a fortnight in this White's have left me out of their last secret, town, you will every day see hundreds as I am reduced to trade upon my own stock of fast upon the gallop as she is. industry, and make my last push upon a wife. Sir F. Ah, this London is a base place inIf I can snap up miss Jenny and her eight deed!-Waunds, if things should happen to thousand pounds, I shall once more cut a fi-go wrong with me at Westminster, at this gure, and cock my hat in the face of the best rate, how the devil shall I keep out of a gaol? of them: for, since our modern men of for- Man. Why, truly, there seems to me but tune are grown wise enough to be sharpers, one way to avoid it. I think sharpers are fools that don't take up the airs of men of quality. ACT V. [Exil. SCENE I.-LORD TOWNLY's House., Enter WILLIAMS and MR. MANLY. Wil Sir Francis Wronghead, sir, desires to see you. Man. Desire sir Francis to walk in. [Exit Williams-I suppose by this time his wise worship begins to find that the balance of his journey to London is on the wrong side. Enter SIR FRANCIS WRONGHEAD. Sir Frantis, your servant. How came I by Man. Why that sorrowful face, man? Sir F. Ah, would you could tell me that, cousin! Man. The way lies plain before you, sir; the same road that brought you hither, will carry you safe home again. Sir F. Odds flesh, cousin! what! and leave a thousand pounds a year behind me? Man. Pooh, pooh! leave any thing behind you, but your family and you are a saver by it. Sir F. Ay, but consider, cousin, what a scurvy figure I shall make in the country, if I come dawn withawt it. Man. You will make a much more lamentable figure in a gaol without it. Sir F. Mayhap, 'at you have no great opinion of my journey to London then, cousin? Man. Sir Francis, to do you the service of a real friend, I must speak very plainly to you; you don't yet see half the ruin that's before you. Sir F. Good lack! how may you mean, Sir F. I have played the fool by this jour-cousin? ney, I see now-for my bitter wife Man. What of her? Sir F. Is playing the devil. Man. Why, truly, that's a part that most of your fine ladies begin with, as soon as they get to London. Sir F. If I'm a living man, cousin, she has made away with above two hundred and fifty pounds since yesterday morning. But there's ne hundred on't goes more to my heart than all the rest. Man. And how might that be disposed of? Sir F. Why, she has been at an assembly. Man. What, since I saw you? I thought you had all supped at home last night. Man. In one word, your whole affairs stand thus-In a week you'll lose your seat at Westminster; in a fortnight my lady will run you into gaol, by keeping the best company; in four-and-twenty hours your daughter will run away with a sharper, because she han't been used to better company; and your son will steal into marriage with a cast mistress, because he has not been used to any company at all. Sir F. the name o'goodness, why should you think all this? Man. Because I have proof of it; in short, I know so much of their secrets, that if all this is not prevented to-night, it will be out of your power to do it to-morrow morning. Šir F. Waunds! if what you tell me be true, I'll stuff my whole family into a stagecoach, and trundle them into the country again on Monday morning. Sir F. Why, so we did-and all as merry as grigs. F'cod, my heart was so open, that I tossed another hundred into her apron, to go out early this morning with-But the cloth Man. Stick to that, sir, and we may yet was no sooner taken away, than in comes find a way to redeem all. I hear company my lady Townly here, with another rantipole entering-You know they see masks here todame of quality, and out they must have her, day-conceal yourself in this room, and for they said, to introduce her at my lady Noble's the truth of what I have told you, take the assembly, forsooth-A few words, you may evidence of your own senses: but be sure you be sure, made the bargain-so, bawnce! and keep close till I give you the signal. away they drive, as if the devil had got into Sir F. Sir, Pll warrant you-Ah, my lady! the coach-box-so, about four or five in the my lady Wronghead! what a bitter business morning-home comes madam, with her eyes have you drawn me into! a foot deep in her head-and my poor hun- Man. Hush! to your post; here comes one dred pounds left behind her at the hazard-table. couple already. [Sir F. and Man. retire through Man. All lost at dice! the centre Door. Enter SQUIRE RICHARD and MYRTILLA, in Squire R. What, is this the doctor's cham ber? Myr. Yes, yes; speak softly. Squire R. Well, but where is he? Myr. He'll be ready for us presently, but he says he can't do us the good turn without witnesses: so, when the count and your sister come, you know he and you may be fathers for one another. Squire R. Well, well, tit for tat! ay, ay, that will be friendly. Myr. And see, here they come! Enter COUNT BASSET and MISS JENNY, in Count B. So, so, here's your brother and his bride before us, my dear. Jenny. Well, I vow, my heart's at my mouth still! I thought I should never have got rid of mamma; but while she stood gaping upon the dance, I gave her the slip! Lawd, do but feel how it beats here! Count B. Oh, the pretty flutterer! I protest, my dear, you have put mine into the same palpitation! Jenny. Ay, you say so-but let's see now -Oh, lud! I vow it thumps purely-well, well, I see it will do; and so where's the parson? Count B. Mrs. Myrtilla, will you be so good as to see if the doctor's ready for us? Myr. He only staid for you, sir; I'll fetch him immediately. [Exit. Jenny. Pray, sir, am not I to take place of mamma, when I'm a countess? Count B. No doubt on't, my dear. Jenny. Oh, lud! how her back will be up then, 1) when she meets me at an assembly; or you and I in our coach and six at Hydepark together! Count B. Ay, or when she hears the boxkeepers at an opera, call out-"The countess of Basset's servants!" Count B. Oh, here he comes, I believe. Enter MYRTILLA, with a Constable. Const. Well, madam, pray which is the party that wants a spice of my office here? Myr. That the gentleman. Pointing to the Count. Count B. Hey-day! what, in masquerade, doctor? Const. Doctor! sir, I believe you have mistaken your man: but if you are called count Basset, I have a billet-doux in my hand for you, that will set you right presently. Count B. What the devil's the meaning of all this? Const. Only my lord chief justice's warrant against you, for forgery, sir. Count B. Blood and thunder! Const. And so, sir, if you please to pull off your fool's frock there, I'll wait upon you to the next justice of peace immediately. [Sir Francis and Manly advance. Jenny. Oh, dear me, what's the matter? [Trembling. Count B. Oh, nothing, only a masquerading frolic, my dear. Squire R. Oh, ho, is that all! Sir F. No, sirrah! that is not all. [Sir Francis Wronghead coming softly behind the Squire, knocks him down with his Cane. Squire R. Oh, lawd! Oh, lawd! he has beaten my brains out. Man. Hold, hold, sir Francis; have a little mercy upon my poor godson, pray, sir. Sir F. Wounds, cousin, I ha'nt patience. Count B. Manly! nay then I'm blown to the devil! [Aside. Squire R. Oh, my head! my head! Enter LADY WRONGHEAD, dressed as a Lady W. What's the matter here, gentlemen? For heaven's sake! What, are you Jenny. Well, I say it, that will be deli- murdering my children? cious! And then mayhap to have a fine gentle- Const. No, no, madam; no murder; only man, with a star and a what-d'ye-call-um a little suspicion of felony, that's all. riband, lead me to my chair, with his hat Sir F. [To Jenny] And for you, Mrs. Hotunder his arm all the way! "Hold up," says upon't, I could find in my heart to make you the chairman; "and so," says I, "my lord, wear that habit as long as you live, you jade your humble servant."-"I suppose, madam," you. Do you know, hussy, that you were says he, "we shall see you at my lady Qua- within two minutes of marrying a pickpocket? drille's?"-"Ay, ay, to be sure, my lord," says 1.So in swops me, with my hoop stuffed up to my forehead; and away they is trot, swing! swang! with my tassels dangling and my flambeaux blazing! and-Oh, it's a it charming thing to be a woman of quality! Count B. Well! I see that plainly, my dear, there's ne'er a duchess of them all will become an equipage like you. Count B. So, so, all's out I find! [Aside. Lady W. Married! Oh, the confident thing! There was his urgent business then-slighted for her! I han't patience!-and, for aught I know, I have been all this while making a Jenny. Well, well, do you find equipage, friendship with a highwayman. [Aside and I'll find airs, I warrant you. Man. Mr. Constable, secure there. Squire R. Troth! I think this masquerading's Sir F. Ah, my lady! my lady! this comes the merriest game that ever I saw in my life! of your journey to London: but now I'll have Tho'f in my mind, and there were but a little a frolic of my own, madam; therefore pack wrestling, or cudgel-playing naw, it would help up your trumpery this very night; for the it hugely. But what a-rope makes the parson moment my horses are able to crawl, you stay so? and your brats shall make a journey into the country again. 1) An allusion to the manner in which the cats draw up their backs, when they are attacked by a dog, etc. Lady W. Indeed, you are mistaken, si Francis-I shall not stir out of town yet, I chaplain you expected is still within call. promise you. Myr. Come, sir, don't repine: marriage is at worst but playing upon the square. Sir F. Not stir? Waunds, madamMan. Hold, sir!-if you'll give me leave a little-I fancy I shall prevail with my lady to think better on't. Man. Well, sir, to let you see it is not Sir F. Ah, cousin, you are a friend indeed! so bad as you think it; as a reward for her Man. [Apart to Lady Wronghead] Look honesty, in detecting your practices, instead you, madam, as to the favour you designed of the forged bill you would have put upon me, in sending this spurious letter enclosed her, there's a real one of five hundred pounds, to my lady Grace, all the revenge I have to begin a new honeymoon with. taken, is to have saved your son and daughter from ruin-Now if you will take them fairly and quietly into the country again, I will save your ladyship from ruin. Count B. Ay, but the worst of the match too, is the devil. [Gives it to Myrtilla. Const. Sir, I'll do it faithfully. Lady W. What do you mean, sir? Man. Why, sir Francis-shall never know what is in this letter; look upon it. How it came into my hands you shall know at leisure. Lady W. Ha! my billet-doux to the count! and an appointment in it! I shall sink with make a handsome push with, however. And confusion! I am not the first of the fraternity who has run his head into one noose, to keep it out of another-Come, spouse. Man. What shall I say to sir Francis, madam? Lady W. Dear sir, I am in such a trembling! preserve my honour, and I am all obedience. [Apart to Man. Man. Sir Francis-my lady is ready to receive your commands for her journey, whenever you please to appoint it. Sir F. Ah, cousin, I doubt I am obliged to you for it. Man. Come, come, sir Francis, take it as you find it. Obedience in a wife is a good thing, though it were never so wonderful!And now, sir, we have nothing to do but to dispose of this gentleman. Count B. Mr. Manly; sir, I hope you ruin me! won't Man. Did not you forge this note for five hundred pounds, sir? you will not stigmatize me; since you have Myr. Yes, my life. [Exeunt Myrtilla, Count Basset, and Constable. Sir F. And that 1 may be sure my family's SCENE II-A dressing Room. Mrs. T. Dear madam, what should make your ladyship so ill? Lady T. How is it possible to be well, where one is killed for want of sleep? Mrs. T. Dear me! it was so long before Count B. Sir-I see you know the world, and therefore I shall not pretend to prevari- you rung, madam, I was in hopes your lacate-But it has hurt nobody yet, sir; I beg dyship had been finely composed. Lady T. Composed! why I have lain in an spoiled my fortune in one family, I hope you inn here; this house is worse than an inn won't be so cruel to a young fellow, as to with ten stage coaches: what between my lord's put it out of my power, sir, to make it in impertinent people of business in a morning, another, sir. Man. Look you, sir, I have not much time to waste with you: but if you expect mercy yourself, you must show it to one you have been cruel to. Count B. Cruel, sir? Man. Have you not ruined this young woman? and the intolerable thick shoes of footmen at noon, one has not a wink all night. Mrs. T. Indeed, madam, it's a great pity my lord can't be persuaded into the hours of people of quality-though I must say that, madam, your ladyship is certainly the best matrimonial manager in town. I Lady T. Oh, you are quite mistaken, Trusty! Man. I know you have therefore you can't manage very ill; for, notwithstanding all blame ber, if, in the fact you are charged the power I have, by never being over fond with, she is a principal witness against you. of my lord-yet I want money infinitely ofHowever, you have one, and only one chance tener than he is willing to give it me. to get off with. Marry her this instant—and you take off her evidence. Count B. Dear sir! Man. No words, sir; a wife or a mittimus. Count B. Lord, sir! this is the most unmerciful mercy! Man. A private penance or a public oneConstable! Count B. Hold, sir, since you are pleased to give me my choice, I will not make so ill a compliment to the lady, as not to give her the preference. Man. It must be done this minute, sir; the Mrs. T. Ah! if his lordship could but be brought to play himself, madam, then he might feel what it is to want money. Lady T. Oh, don't talk of it! Do you know that I am undone, Trusty? Mrs. T. Mercy forbid, madam! Lady T. Broke, ruined, plundered!-stripped, even to a confiscation of my last guinea! Mrs. T. You don't tell me so, madam! Lady T. And where to raise ten pound in the world-What is to be done, Trusty? Mrs. T. Truly, I wish I were wise enough to tell you, madam: but may be your ladyship may have a run of better fortune upon some this time-the man's now writing a receipt of the good company that comes here to-night. below for it. Lady T. But I have not a single guinea to Mrs. T. No matter; my lady says you must try my fortune. not pay him with that money; there's not Mrs. T. Ha! that's a bad business indeed, enough, it seems-there's a pistole and a guimadam-Adad, I have a thought in my head, nea that is not good in it-besides, there is a madam, if it is not too latemistake in the account too-[Twitching the Bag from him] But she is not at leisure to examine it now: so you must bid Mr. Whatd'ye-callum call another time. Lady T. Out with it quickly then, I beseech thee. Mrs. T. Has not the steward something of fifty pounds, madam, that you left in his bands to pay somebody about this time? Lady T. Oh, ay; I had forgot-'twas to a— what's his filthy name? Lady T. What is all that noise there? Pound. Why, and it please your ladyship— Lady T. Pr'ythee don't plague me now; but do as you were ordered. Pound. Nay, what your ladyship pleases, madam. Mrs. T. Now I remember, madam, 'twas to Mr. Lutestring, your old mercer, that your [Exit. ladyship turned off about a year ago, because Mrs. T. There they are, madam-[Pours he would trust you no longer. the money out of the Bag] The pretty things Lady T. The very wretch! If he has not were so near falling into a nasty tradespaid it, run quickly, dear Trusty, and bid man's hands, I protest it made me tremble him bring it hither immediately. [Exit Trusty] for them!-I fancy your ladyship had as good Well, sure mortal woman never had such give me that bad guinea, for luck's sakefortune! five, five and nine, against poor se- thank you, ma'am [Takes a Guinea. ven, for ever!-No, after that horrid bar of Lady T. Why, I did not bid you take it. my chance that lady Wronghead's fatal red Mrs. T. No; but your ladyship looked as if fist upon the table, I saw it was impossible you were just going to bid me; and so I was ever to win another stake-Sit up all night-willing to save you the trouble of speaking, lose all one's money-dream of winning thou-madam. Mrs. T. I'll listen. sands-wake without a shilling! and then- Lady T. Well, thou hast deserved it; and How like a hag I look!-In short-the plea- so, for once-[Noise without] But hark! don't sures of life are not worth this disorder. If I hear the man making a noise yonder? it were not for shame now, I could almost think lady Grace's sober scheme not quite so ridiculous-If my wise lord could but hold his tongue for a week, 'tis odds but I should hate the town in a fortnight-But I will not be driven out of it, that's positive. Enter MRS. TRUSTY. Mrs. T. Oh, madam, there's no bearing of it! Mr. Lutestring was just let in at the door, as I came to the stair foot; and the steward a is now actually paying him the money in the ball. Lady T. Pr'ythee do. Mrs. T. [Goes to the Door] Ay, they are at it, madam-he's in a bitter passion with poor Poundage-Bless me! I believe he'll beat him. [A Man's Voice without] I won't swear, but damn me if I don't have my money. Mrs. T. Mercy on us, how the wretch swears! Lady T. And a sober citizen too! that's shame. Mrs. T. Ha! I think all's silent, of a sudden-may be the porter has knocked him Lady T. Run to the staircase head again-down-I'll step and see. and scream to him that I must speak with him this instant. [Mrs. Trusty runs out, and speaks. Mrs. T. [Within] Mr. Poundage!-a hem! Mr. Poundage, a word with you quickly! Pound. [Within I'll come to you presently. Mrs. T. Within] Presently won't do, man; you must come this minute. Pound. [Within] I am but just paying a little money here. I Mrs. T. [Within Odds my life, paying money! Is the man distracted? Come here, tell you, to my lady, this moment-quick! Re-enter MRS. TRUSTY. Lady T. Will the monster come, or no? Mrs. T. Yes, I hear him now, madam; he is hobbling up as fast as he can. Lady T. Don't let him come in-for he will keep such a babbling about his accounts-my brain is not able to bear him. [Poundage comes to the Door, with a Money-bag in his Hand. Mrs. T. Oh, it's well you are come, sir! where's the fifty pounds. Pound. Why here it is: if you had not been in such haste, I should have paid it by [Exil. Lady T. These tradespeople are the troublesomest creatures! No words will satisfy them! Re-enter MRS. TRUSTY. Mrs. T. Oh, madam! undone! undone! My lord has just bolted out upon 1) the man, and is hearing all his pitiful story over-If your ladyship pleases to come hither, you may hear him yourself. Lady T. No matter; it will come round presently; I shall have it from my lord, without losing a word by the way, I'll warrant you. Mrs. T. Oh lud, madam! here's my lord just coming in! Lady T. Do you get out of the way, then [Exit Mrs. Trusty] I am afraid I want spirits; but he will soon give them me. Enter LORD TOWNLY. Lord T. How comes it, madam, that a tradesman dares be clamorous in my house, for money due to him from you? Lady T. You don't expect, my lord, that I should answer for other people's impertinence! Lord T, I expect, madam, you should answer for your own extravagancies, that are the oc1) Slang for, to come suddenly upon a person. |
