Rob. Sir Free. Come here - you know, Robert, I have a good opinion of your integrity.Rob. I have always endeavoured that your honour should. Free. Pray have not you some acquaintance among Mr. Lovel's people? Rob. A little, your honour. Free. How do they behave?-we have nobody but friends-you may speak out. Lov. Ay, Robert, speak out, Rob. I hope your honours will not insist on my saying any thing in an affair of this Loc. Oh, but we do insist-if you know any thing. Send Robert to me-[Exit Servant] And kind. Loc. This letter. It is an anonymous one, and so ought not to be regarded; but it has something honest in it, and put me upon satisfying my curiosity. Read it. Rob. Sir, I am but a servant myself, and it would not become me to speak ill of a brother servant. Free. Psha! this is false honesty-speak out. [Gives the Letter. Rob, Don't oblige me, good sir.-Consider, Free. I should know something of this sir, a servant's bread depends upon his cha[Reads. racter. hand- Lov. But if a servant uses me ill- Free. You see how they trim for one another. be known, whereof if I am, it may bring that is not approved in one place, may give one into trouble. So no more, from your satisfaction in another. Every body must live, your honour. honour's servant to command. -Odd and honest! Well-and now what are the steps you intend to take? Lov. Robert, I like your heartiness, as well as your caution; but in my case, it is necessary that I should know the truth. Rob. The truth, sir, is not to be spoken at all times, it may bring one into trouble, where [Returns the Letter, Lov. I shall immediately apply to my friend the manager for a disguise-under the form of a gawky country boy, I will be an eye- of ifwitness of my servants behaviour.-You must assist me, Mr. Freeman. Free. As how, Mr. Lovel? Lov. My plan is this-I gave out that I was going to my borough in Devonshire, and yesterday set out with a servant in great form, and lay at Basingstoke. Free. Well? Lov. I ordered the fellow to make the best of his way down into the country, and told him that I would follow him; instead of that, I turned back, and am just come to town: Ecce signum! [Points to his Boots. Free. It is now one o'clock. Loo. This very afternoon I shall pay my people a visit. Free. How will you get in? Loc. When I am properly habited, you shall get me introduced to Philip as one of your tenant's sons, who wants to be made a good servant of Free. They will certainly discover you. Lov. Never fear, I'll be so countryfied that you shall not know me.-As they are thoroughly persuaded I am many miles off, they'll be more easily imposed on. Ten to one but they begin to celebrate my departure with a drinking bout, if they are what you describe them. Free. [Musing] Whereof if-Pray, Mr. Free. D you know any thing of this letter? Free. I ask you if you were concerned in writing this letter.-You never told me a lie yet, and I expect the truth from you now. Rob. Pray, your honour, don't ask me. Loo. What induced you to it. Rob. I will tell the truth!-I have seen such waste and extravagance, and riot and drunkenness, in your kitchen, sir, that, as my master's friend, I could not help discovering it to you. Lov. Go on. Rob. On any other account than this Ivel's people-[Reads] Philip and Mrs. Kitty should be proud to receive your honour's present their compliments to sir Harry, bounty, but now I beg to be excused— and desire the honour of his company this [Refuses the Money: evening, to be of a smart party, and to Lov. Thou hast a noble heart, Robert, and eat a bit of supper. I'll not forget you.-Freeman, he must be in Duke. I have the same invitation-their the secret.-Wait your master's ordersmaster, it seems is gone to his barRob. I will, your honour. [Exit. ough. Free. Well, sir, are you convinced "now? Sir H. You'll be with us, my lord?-PhiLov. Convinced? yes; and I'll be among lip's a blood— the scoundrels before night.-You or Robert Duke. A buck of the first head, I'll tel must contrive some way or other to get me you a secret, he's going to be married, introduc'd to Philip, as one of your cottager's boys out of Essex. Sir H. To whom? Duke. To Kitty. Sir H. No! Duke. Yes he is, and I intend to cuckold Free. Ha, ha, ha! you'll make a fine figure. Lov. They shall make a fine figure.-It must be done this afternoon; walk with me across him. the park, and I'll tell you the whole.-My name shall be Jemmy. And I am come to be a gentleman's servant-and will do my Duke. If our house breaks up in a tolerbest, and hope to get a good character. able time, I'll be with you.-Have you any [Mimicking. thing for us? SCENE II.-The PARK. Enter DUKE. Sir H. Then we may depend upon your grace for certain. Ha, ha, ha! Free. Ha, ha, ha!-Bravo-Jemmy-Bravo, Sir H. Yes, a little bit of poetry-I must ha, ha! [Exeunt. be at the Cocoa-tree myself till eight. Duke, Heigho!-1 am quite out of spirits -I had a damn'd debauch last night, baronet. -Lord Francis, Bob the bishop, and I, tipt Duke. What wretches are ordinary ser-off four bottles of Burgundy apiece-ha! there vants that go on in the same vulgar track are two fine girls coming, faith-lady Babev'ry day! eating, working, and sleeping!-ay, and lady Charlotte.-Takes out his Glass. But we, who have the honour to serve the nobility, are of another species. We are above the common forms, have servants to wait upon us, and are as lazy and luxurious as our masters,-Ha!—my dear sir Harry! Enter SIR HARRY. -How have you done these thousand years? Sir H. My lord duke!-your grace's most obedient servant. Duke. Well, baronet, and where have you been? Sir H. At Newmarket, my lord-we have had dev'lish fine sport. Duke. And a good appearance I hear.Pox take it, I should have been there, but our old duchess died, and we were obliged to keep house, for the decency of the thing. Sir H. I pick'd up fifteen pieces. Duke. Psha! a trifle! Sir H. The viscount's people have been ly taken in this meeting. Sir H. We'll not join them. Duke. Oh, yes-Bab is a fine wench, notwithstanding her complexion; though I should be glad she would keep her teeth cleanerYour English women are damn'd negligent about their teeth.-How is your Charlotte in that particular? Sir H. My Charlotte? Duke. Ay, the world says, you are to have her. Sir H. I own I did keep her company; but we are off, my lord. Duke. How so? Sir H. Between you and me, she has a plaguy thick pair of legs. Duke. Oh, damn it-that's insufferable. Sir H. Besides, she is a fool, and miss'd her opportunity with the old countess. Duke. I am afraid, baronet, you love money. -Rot it, I never save a shilling-indeed I am d-sure of a place in the excise-lady Charlotte is to be of the party to-night; how do you Duke. Credit me, baronet, they know no-manage that? thing of the turf. Sir H. Why, we do meet at a third place, Sir H. I assure you, my lord, they lost are very civil, and look queer, and laugh, every match, for Crab was beat hollow, Care- and abuse one another, and all that, less threw his rider, and miss Slammerkin had the distemper. Duke. Ha, ha, ha! I'm glad on't.-Taste [Offers his Box. this snuff, sir Harry. Sir H. Tis good rappee, Duke. Alamode, ha ?-here they are. [They retire Enter LADY BAB and LADY CHARLOFTE Lady B. Oh! fie! lady Charlotte, you are quite indelicate! I'm sorry for your taste. Lady C. Well, I say it again, I love Vaux Hall. Lady B. O my stars! why there is no body there but filthy citizens. Lady B. Kunelow for my money. Duke. The city people adulterate it so confoundedly, that I always import my own snuff. -I wish my lord would do the same; but he is so indolent.-When did you see the girls? I saw lady Bab this morning, but, 'fore 'gad, did you see the colonel, lady Bab? whether it be love or reading, she looked as pale as a penitent. Lady B. The colonel? I hate the fellowHe had the assurance to talk of a creature in Sir H I have just had this card from Lo-Gloucestershire before my face. Lady C. He is a pretty man for all that-sent, and would have carried the girl off, but soldiers, you know, have their mistresses every was unluckily prevented by the washerwoman, where. who happened to be his first cousin. Lady B. I despise him-How goes on your affair with the baronet? Lady C. The baronet is a stupid wretch, and I shall have nothing to say to him-You are to be at Lovel's to-night, lady Bab? Lady B. Unless I alter my mind-I don't admire visiting these commoners, lady Charlotte. Lady C. Oh, but Mrs. Kitty has taste. Lady C. The duke is fond of her, and he has judgment. Lady B. The duke might show his judgment much better. [Holding up her Head. Enter PHILIP. Mr. Philip, your servant. Phil. You are welcome to England, sir Harry; I hope you received the card, and will do us the honour of your companyMy master is gone into Devonshire — we'll have a roaring night. Lady C. There he is, and the baronet too -Take no notice of them-we'll rally them is by-and-by. Lady B. Dull souls! let us set up a loud laugh and leave 'em. Lady C. Ay; let us be gone; for the common people do so stare at us-we shall certainly be mobb'd. Both. Ha, ha, ha!-IIa, ha, ha! Sir H. I'll certainly wait on you. Phil. The duke is a fool. Sir H. Take care what you say; his grace a bruiser. Phil. I am a pupil of the same academy, and not afraid of him, I assure you: sir Harry, we'll have a noble batch-I have such wine for you! Sir H. I am your man, Phil. Phil. Egad the cellar shall bleed: I have [Exeunt. some Burgundy that is fit for an emperor.My master would have given his ears for some of it t'other day, to treat my lord What-d'ye DUKE and SIR HARRY come forward. Duke. They certainly saw us, and are gone call-him with; but I told him it was all gone; off laughing at us-I must follow Sir H. No, no. ha? charity begins at home, ha?-Odso, here is Mr. Freeman, my master's intimate friend; Duke. I must-I must have a party of he is a dry one. Don't let us be seen together raillery with them, a bon mot or so.- -Sir-he'll suspect something. Harry, you'll excuse me-Adieu, I'll be with Sir H. I am gone. you in the evening, if possible; though, hark ye, Phil. Away, away.-Remember, Burgundy there is a bill depending in our house, which is the word. the ministry make a point of our attending; Sir H. Right-long corks! ha, Phil? [Miand so you know, mum! we must mind the mics the drawing of a Cork]-Yours. [Exit. stops of the great fiddle.-Adieu. [Exit. Phil. Now for a cast of my office-a starch Sir H. What a coxcomb this is! and the phiz, a canting phrase, and as many lies as fellow can't read. It was but the other day necessary-Hem! that he was cow-boy in the country, then was bound 'prentice to a perriwig-maker, got into my lord duke's family, and now sets up for a fine gentleman. O tempora! O moses! Re-enter DUKE. Duke. Sir Harry, pr'ythee what are we to do at Lovel's, when we come there? Sir H. We shall have the fiddles, I suppose. Duke. The fiddles! I have done with dancing ever since the last fit of the gout. I'll tell you what, my dear boy, I positively cannot be with them, unless we have a little[Makes a Motion, as if with the Dice-box. Sir H. Fie, my lord duke. Enter FREEMAN. Free. Oh! Philip-How do you do, Philip? You have lost your master, I find. Phil. It is a loss, indeed, sir. So good a gentleman! He must be nearly got into Devonshire by this time-Sir, your servant. [Going. Free. Why in such a hurry, Philip? Phil. I shall leave the house as little as possible, now his honour is away. Free. You are in the right, Philip. Phil. Servants at such times are too apt to be negligent and extravagant, sir. Free, True; the master's absence is the Duke. Look ye, baronet, I insist on it.-time to try a good servant in. Who the devil, of any fashion, can possibly spend an evening without it?-But I shall lose the girls.-How grave you look, ha, ha, ba!-Well, let there be fiddles. Sir H. But, my dear lord, I shall be quite miserable without you. Duke. Well, I won't be particular, I'll do as the rest do.-Tel, lol, lol! Phil. It is so, sir: Sir, your servant. [Going. Free. Oh! Mr. Philip-pray stay-you must do me a piece of service. Phil. You command me, sir. [Bows. Free. I look upon you, Philip, as one of the best behaved, most sensible, completest [Philip bows] rascals in the world. [Aside. Phil. Your honour is pleased to compliment. [Exit, singing and dancing. Free. There is a tenant of mine in Essex, Sir H. [Solus] He had the assurance, last a very honest man-poor fellow, he as a winter, to court a tradesman's daughter in the great number of children, and has sent me city, with two thousand pounds to her for- one of 'em, a tall gawky boy, to make a sertune-and got me to write his love-letters. vant of; but my folks say they can do nothing He pretended to be an ensign in a marching with him. regiment; so wheedled the old folks into con- Phil. Let me have him, sir. Free. In truth, he is an unlick'd cub. had not had the key of the door in my pocket Phil. I will lick him into something, I war--what is come to you all? rant you, sir.-Now my master is absent, I Cook. There is John Coachman, and Kingshall have a good deal of time upon my hands; ston, as drunk as two bears. [Aside. and I hate to be idle, sir: in two months I'll Phil. Ah, hah! my lads, what finished al- Free. Here is a guinea-I beg he may be taken care of. Phil. That he shall, I promise you, [Aside] Your honour knows me. Free. Thoroughly. Phil. When can I see him, sir? [Aside. Free. Now directly-call at my house, and take him in your hand. Phil. Yo ho, get to bed, you dogs, and sleep yourselves sober, that you may be able to get drunk again by-and-by-They are as fast as a church-Jemmy. Lov. Anon! Phil. Do you love drinking? Phil. You dog, you shall swim in Burgundy. Cook. It is impossible to wake them. Phil. Jemmy, wake 'em, Jemmy—ha, ha, haf Phil. Sir, I'll be with you in a minute-I-hehwill but step into the market, to let the tra- | desmen know they must not trust any of our servants, now they are at board wages. humh! Free. How happy is Mr. Lovel in so excellent a servant. [Exit. [Gives him a great slap on the Face. Coachm. Oh! oh! zounds! oh!—damn you. Loo. What blackey, blackey. [Pulls him by the Nose. King. Oh! oh! what now! curse you! Phit. Ha, ha, ha! This is one of my master's prudent friends, who dines with him Oh!-Cot tam you. three times a week, and thinks he is mighty Phil. Ha, ha, ha-well done, Jerumy generous in giving me five guineas at Christ-Cook, see these gentry to bed. mas.-Damn all such sneaking scoundrels, I Cook. Marry, come up, I say so too; not [Exit. I indeed say. King. Devil shall fetch me, if I Coachm. Why then let them stay-I'll not go-damme-ay, knock the door down, and let yourself in Coachm. She sha'n't see us to bed-we'll see ourselves to bed. King. We got drunk together, and we'll go to bed together. [Exeunt, reeling. Phil. You see how we live, boy. Lov. Yes, I sees how you livePhil. Let the supper be elegant, cook. Cook. Who pays for it? Phil. My master, to be sure: who else? ha, ha, ha! He is rich enough; I hope, ha, ha, ha! Lov. Humh. [Aside. [Knocking. Phil. Each of us must take a part, and King. Ay, ay, knock again-knock again-sink it in our next weekly bills; that is the Coachm. Master is gone into Devonshire-way. So he can't be there--so I'll go to sleep- Loo. Soh! King. So will I-I'll go to sleep too. Coachm. You lie, devil-you shall not go to sleep till I am asleep-I am king of the kitchen. King. No, you are not king; but when you are drunk, you are as sulky as hell. Here is cooky coming-she is king and queen too. Enter Cook. Cook. Somebody has knock'd at the door twenty times, and nobody hears-why, coachman-Kingston-ye drunken bears, why don't one of you go to the door. Coahm. You go, cook; you go- King. Yes, yes, cooky go; Mollsy Pollsy, go. Cook. Out, you black toad-it is none of my business, and go I will not. [Sits down. Enter PHILIP, with LOVEL disguised. Phil. I might have staid at the door all night, as the little man in the play says, if I [Aside. Cook. Pr'ythee, Philip, what boy is this? Phil. A boy of Freeman's recommending. Lov. Yes, I'm squire Freeman's boy-henCook. Freeman is a stingy hound; and you may tell him I say so. He dines here three times a week, and I never saw the colour of his money yet. Lov. Ha, ha, ha, that is good - Freeman Phil. Well said, cook, that is right; the Enter CLOE. Cloe. Yes, mistress.- is this? [Seeing Lovel] hee, hee, hee! this is Phil. Admirable! the knave has a good ear [Exit, chucking Lovel under the Chin. Loo. A very pretty amour. [Aside] Oh la! what a fine room is this?-Is this the diningroom, pray sir? Phil. No, our drinking room. Loo. Oh la, I never told a lie in all my life. Phil. Then it is high time you should begin now; what's a servant good for that can't tell a lie? Kit. And stand in it-Now I'll lecture him. [Takes out a Book] This is The Servants' Guide to Wealth, by Timothy Shouldernot, Lov. La! la! what a fine lady here is.- formerly servant to several noblemen, and now This is madam, I suppose. Enter KITTY. Phil. Where have you been, Kitty? Kitty. I have been disposing of some of his honour's shirts and other linen, which it is a shame his honour should wear any longer. Mother Barter is above, and waits to know if you have any commands for her. Phil. I shall dispose of my wardrobe to -morrow. Kit. Who have we here! [Lovel bows. Phil. I intend the entertainment of this evening as a compliment to you, Kitty. Kit. I am your humble, Mr. Philip. Phil. But I beg that I may see none of your airs, or hear any of your French gibberish with the duke. Kit. Don't be jealous, Phil. [Fawningly. Phil. I intend, before our marriage, to settle something handsome upon you; and with the five hundred pounds which I have already saved in this extravagant fellow's family. Lov. A dog! [Aside]-O la, la, what, have you got five hundred pounds? Phil. Peace, blockhead Kit. I'll tell you what you shall do, Phil. an officer in the customs. Necessary for all Loo. Oddines! that's good-he, he, he! Kit. Right-I'll go and get out one of the Kit. You shall set up a chocolate-house, damask tablecloths, and some napkins; and my dear.be sure, Phil, your sideboard is very smart. Phil. Yes, and be cuckolded- [Aside. Kit. You know my education was a very genteel one-I was half-boarder at Chelsea, and I speak French like a native-Comment vous portez vous, mounsieur. [Awkwardly. Phil. Psha! psha! Kit. One is nothing without French - I shall shine at the bar.-Do you speak French, boy? Loo. Anon Kit. Anon-O the fool! ha, ha, ha!-Come here, do, and let me new mould you a little -you must be a good boy, and wait upon the gentlefolks to-night. [She ties and powders his Hair. Lov. Yes, an't please you, I'll do my best. Kit. His best! O the natural! this is a strange head of hair of thine, boy-it is so coarse and so carrotty. Lov. All my brothers and sisters be red in the pole. Phil. Kit. Ha, ha, ha! [Loud laugh. Kit. There, now you are something likecome, Philip, give the boy a lesson, and then il lecture him out of the Servants' Guide. [Exit. Phil. That it shall-come, Jemmy-Exit. Lov. Soh!-Soh!-It works well. Exit. ACT II. SCENE I-The Servants'-hall, with the Supper and Side-board set out. Enter PHILIP, KITTY, and Lovel. Kit. Well, Phil, what think you? don't we look very smart?-Now let 'em come as soon as they will, we shall be ready for 'em. Phil. Tis all very well; but— Kit. But what? Phil. Why, I wish we could get that snarling cur, Tom, to make one. Kit. What is the matter with him? Phil. I don't know--He's a queer son of aKit. Oh, I know him; he is one of your sneaking halfbred fellows, that prefers his master's interest to his own. Phil. Here he is. Enter TOM. Phil. Come, sir, first, hold up your head--And why won't you make one to-night, very well-turn out your toes, sir-very well Tom?- here's cook and coachman, and all now call coach of us. Tom. I tell you again, I will not make one. |