Miss T. Ay, ay, give our compliments to her sprained ancle. a little. [Exit. Miss T. By getting me in the humour. Col T. Are you in the humour now? Col. How shall I? Lady M. That woman's so fat, she'll never get well of it, and I am resolved not to call at her door myself, till I am sure of not finding ber at home. I am horribly low spirited today; do, send your colonel to play at chess with me,-since he belonged to you, Titty, I Miss T. How shall I?-you a soldier, and have taken a kind of liking to him; I like not know the art military?-bow shall I?every thing that loves my Titty. [Kisses her. I'll tell you how;-when you have a subtle, Miss T. I know you do, my dear lady. treacherous, polite enemy to deal with, never [Kisses her, stand shilly shally, and lose your time in trea Lady M. That sneer I don't like; if she ties and parleys, but cock your hat, draw your suspects, I shall hate her: [Aside] Well, dear sword;-march, beat drum-dub, dub, a dub Titty, I'll go and write my cards, and dress-present, fire, piff-puff-'tis done! they fly, for the masquerade, and if that won't raise my they yield-victoria! victoria! [Running off. spirits, you must assist me to plague my lord Col. T. Stay, stay, my dear, dear angel![Bringing her back. Miss T. Yes, and I'll plague my lady a Miss T. No, no, no, I have no time to be little, or I am much mistaken: my lord shall killed now; besides, Lady Minikin is in the know every tittle that has passed: what a vapours, and wants you at chess, and my lord poor, blind, half-witted, self-conceited crea- is low spirited, and wants me at picquet; my ture this dear friend and relation of mine is! uncle is in an ill humour, and wants me to and what a fine spirited gallant soldier my discard you, and go with him into the country. colonel is my Lady Minikin likes him, he Col. T. And will you, Miss? likes my fortune; and my lord likes me, and I like my lord; however, not so much as he imagines, or to play the fool so rashly as he may expect. She must be very silly indeed, Miss T. Nay, but colonel, if you won't obey who can't flutter about the flame, without your commanding officer, you shall be broke, burning her wings-what a great revolution and then my maid won't accept of you; so in this family, in the space of fifteen months! march, colonel! lookye, Sir, I will command -we went out of England, a very awkward, before marriage, and do what I please afterregular, good English family? but half a year wards, or I have been well educated to very in France, and a winter passed in the warmer little purpose. climate of Italy, have ripened our minds to every refinement of ease, dissipation, and plea sure. Enter COLONEL TIVY, Col. T. May I hope, Madam, that your humble servant had some share in your last reverie? Miss T. How is it possible to have the least knowledge of Colonel Tivy, and not make him the principal object of one's reflections! Col. T. That man must have very little feeling and taste, who is not proud of a place in the thoughts of the finest woman in Europe. Miss T. O fie, colonel! Miss T. Will I?-no, I never do as I am bid? but you ought-so go to my lady. Col. T. Nay, but Miss [Exit. Col. T. What a mad devil it is! - now, if I had the least affection for the girl, I should be damnably vexed at this!-but she has a fine fortune, and I must have her if I can.-Tol, lol, lol, etc. [Exit singing. Enter SIR JOHN TROTLEY and DAVY. Sir J. Hold your tongue, Davy; you talk like a fool. Davy. It is a fine place, your honour, and I could live here for ever! Sir J. More shame for you:-live here for ever!-what, among thieves and pickpockets! what a revolution since my time! the more I see, the more I've cause for lamentation; [Courtesies and blushes. what a dreadful change has time brought Col. T. By my honour, Madam, I mean what about in twenty years! I should not have I say. known the place again, nor the people; all Miss T. By your honour, colonel! why will the signs that made so noble an appearance, you pass off your counters to me? don't I are all taken down;-not a bob or tye-wig to know that you fine gentlemen regard no hon-be seen! all the degrees, from the parade in our but that which is given at the gaming St. James' Park, to the stool and brush at the table; and which indeed ought to be the only corner of every street, have their hair tied up honour you should make free with. Col. T. How can you, Miss, treat me so cruelly? have I not absolutely forsworn dice, mistress, every thing, since I dared to offer myself to you? Miss T. Yes, colonel, and when I dare to receive you, you may return to every thing again, and not violate the laws of the present happy matrimonial establishment. -the mason laying bricks, the baker with his basket, the post-boy crying newspapers, and the doctors prescribing physic, have all their hair tied up; and that's the reason so many heads are tied up every month. Davy. I shall have my head tied up to-mor row; - Mr. Whisp will do it for me- your honour and I look like Philistines among 'em. Sir J. And I shall break your head if it is Col. T. Give me but your consent, Madam, tied up; I hate innovation;-all confusion and and your life to comeno distinction!-the streets now are as smooth Miss T. Do you get my consent, colonel, as a turnpike road! no rattling and exercise and I'll take care of my life to come. Col. T. How shall I get your consent? in the hackney-coaches; those who ride in 'em are all fast asleep; and they have strings in their hands, that the coachman must pull women of these times, but sallow looks, wild to waken 'em, when they are to be set down schemes, saucy words, and loose morals!-what luxury and abomination! they lie a-bed all day, sit up all night; if they Davy. Is it so, your honour? 'feckins, I liked are silent, they are gaming; and if they talk, it hugely. Sir J. But you must hate and detest Lon don. 'tis either scandal or infidelity; and that they may look what they are, their heads are all feather, and round their necks are twisted rattlesnake tippets-O tempora, ◊ mores! SCENE II.-LORD MINIKIN discovered in his Sir J. 'Tis all deceit and delusion. powdering gown, with JESSAMY and MIGNON, Davy. Such crowding, coaching, carting, Lord M. Pr'ythee, Mignon, don't plague me and squeezing; such a power of fine sights, any more; dost think that a nobleman's head fine shops full of fine things, and then such has nothing to do but be tortured all day fine illuminations all of a row! and such fine under thy infernal fingers? give me my clothes, dainty ladies in the streets, so civil and so Mig. Ven you loss your monee, my lor, you graceless they talk of country girls, these no goot humour; the devil may dress here look more healthy and rosy by half. Davy. How can I manage that, your honour, when there is every thing to delight my eye, and cherish my heart? cheveu for me! your [Exit. Sir J. Sirrah, they are prostitutes, and are Lord M. That fellow's an impudent rascal, civil to delude and destroy you: they are but he's a genius, so I must bear with him. painted Jezabels, and they who hearken to Our beef and pudding enrich their blood so 'em, like Jezabel of old, will go to the dogs! much, that the slaves in a month forget their you dare to look at 'em, you will be tainted, misery and soup-maigre - O, my head!-a and if you speak to 'em you are undone. chair, Jessamy!-I must absolutely change Davy. Bless us, bless us!-how does your my wine-merchant: I can't taste his chamhonour know all this?-were they as bad in pagne, without disordering myself for a week! your time? -heigho. If Sir J. Not by half, Davy-in my time, there was a sort of decency in the worst of women; -but the harlots now watch like tigers for their prey; and drag you to their dens of infamy-see, Davy, how they have torn my neckcloth. [Shows his neckcloth. Davy. If you had gone civilly, your honour, they would not have hurt you. Enter MISS TITTUP. [Sighs. Sir J. Well, we'll get away as fast as we last night. can. • Lord M. No, faith; our champagne was not Davy. Not this month, I hope, for I have good yesterday, I am vapoured like our not had half my bellyful yet. English November; but one glance of my Sir J. I'll knock you down, Davy, if you Titlup can dispel vapours like-likegrow profligate; you sha'n't go out again to- Miss T. Like something very fine, to be night, and to-morrow keep in my room, and sure; but pray keep your simile for the next stay till I can look over my things, and see time; and harkye-a little prudence will not they don't cheat you. be amiss; Mr. Jessamy will think you mad, and me worse. [Half aside. [Sulkily. Jes. O, pray don't mind me, Madam. Davy. Your honour then won't keep your word with me? Sir T. Why, what did I promise you? Davy. That I should take sixpen 'oth of one of the theatres to-night, and a shilling place at the other to-morrow. Sir J. Well, well, so I did: is it a moral piece, Davy? Davy. Ó yes, and written by a clergyman; it is called the Rival Canaanities, or the Tragedy of Braggadocia. Sir J. Be a good lad, and I won't be worse than my word; there's money for you-[Gives him some] but come strait home, for 1 shall want to go to bed. Davy. To be sure, your honour-as I am to go so soon, I'll make a night of it. Lord M. Gadso, Jessamy, look out my domino, and I'll ring the bell when I want you. Jes. I shall, my lord; - Miss thinks that every body is blind in the house but herself. [Aside, and exit. Miss T. Upon my word, my lord, you must be a little more prudent, or we shall become the town talk.. Lord M. And so I will, my dear; and therefore to prevent surprise, I'll lock the door. [Locks i Miss T. What do you mean, my lord? Lord M. Prudence, child, prudence. I keep all my jewels under lock and key. -Miss T. You are not in possession yet, my [Aside, and exit. lord; I can't stay two minutes; I only came Sir J. This fellow would turn rake and to tell you, that lady Minikin saw us yester maccaroni if he was to stay here a week day in the hackney-coach; she did not know longer-bless me, what dangers are in this me, I believe; she pretends to be greatly uneas town at every step! O, that I were once set- at your neglect of her; she certainly has some tled safe again at Trotley-place!-nothing but mischief in her head. to save my country should bring me back Lord M. No intentions, I hope, of being ind again: my niece, Lucretia, is so be-fashioned of me? abe and be-devilled, that nothing, I fear, can save Miss T. No, no, make yourself easy; her; however, to ease my conscience, I must hates you most unalterably. try; but what can be expected from the young Lord M. You have given me spirits again Miss T. Her pride is alarmed, that you always lock myself up to study my speeches, should prefer any of the sex to her. and speak 'em aloud for the sake of the tone and action. Lord M. Her pride then has been alarmed ever since I had the honour of knowing her. Miss T. But, dear my lord, let us be merry and wise; should she ever be convinced that we have a tendre for each other, she certainly would proclaim it, and then Sir J. Ay, ay, 'tis the best way; I am sorry I disturbed you; - you'll excuse me, cousin! Lord M. I am obliged to you, Sir John; intense application to these things ruins my health; but one must do it for the sake of Lord M. We should be envied, and she the nation. would be laughed at, my sweet cousin. Sir J. May be so, and I hope the nation will Miss T. Nay, I would have her mortified be the better for't-you'll excuse me! too-for though I love her ladyship sincerely: Lord M. Excuse you, Sir John, I love your I cannot say, but I love a little mischief as frankness; but why won't you be franker still? sincerely: but then if my uncle, Trotley, we have always something for dinner, and you should know of our affairs, he is so old-fash- will never dine at home. ioned, prudish, and out of the way, he would Sir J. You must know, my lord, that I love either strike me out of his will, or insist upon to know what I eat;-I hate to travel, where my quitting the house. I don't know my way; and since you have Lord M. My good cousin is a queer mortal, brought in foreign fashions and figaries, every that's certain; I wish we could get him hand- thing and every body are in masquerade: your somely into the country again he has a fine men and manners too are as much frittered fortune to leave behind him. and fricaseed, as your beef and mutton; I love a plain dish, my lord. Miss T. But then he lives so regularly, and never makes use of a physician, that he may live these twenty years. Lord M. What can we do with the barbarian? Miss T. I don't know what's the matter with me, but I am really in fear of him: I suppose, reading his formal books when I was in the Miss T. I wish I was out of the room, or he at the bottom of the Thames. [Peeping. Sir J. But to the point;-I came, my lord, to open my mind to you about my niece Tittup; shall I do it freely? Miss T. Now for it! Lord M. The freer the better; Tittup's a fine country with him, and going so constantly to girl, cousin, and deserves all the kindness you church, with my elbows stuck to my hips, and can show her. my toes turned in, has given me these foolish prejudices. Lord M. Then you must affront him, or you'll never get the better of him. SIR JOHN TROTLEY, knocking at the door. [Lord M. goes to the door, softly. Miss 7. Heavens! 'tis that detestable brute, my uncle! Lord M. That horrid dog, my cousin! [Lord Minikin and Tittup make signs at each other. Sir J. She must deserve it though, before she shall have it; and I would have her begin with lengthening her petticoats, covering her shoulders, and wearing a cap upon her head. Miss T. O, frightful! [Aside. Lord M. Don't you think a taper leg, falling shoulders, and fine hair, delightful objects, Sir John? Sir J. And therefore ought to be concealed; 'tis their interest to conceal 'em when you [Softly. take from the men the pleasure of imagination, Sir J. [At the door] Nay, my lord, my there will be a scarcity of husbands; and the lord, I heard you; pray let me speak with taper legs, falling shoulders, and fine hair, may be had for nothing. Lord M. Well said, Sir John; ha, ha!— your niece shall wear a horseman's coat and jack-boots to please you-ha, ha, ha! Miss T. Stay, stay, my lord, I would not Sir J. You may sneer, my lord, but for all meet him now for the world; if he sees me that, I think my niece in a bad way; she must here alone with you, he'll rave like a mad- leave me and the country, forsooth, to travel man; put me up the chimney; any where. and see good company and fashions; I have seen 'em too, and wish from my heart that she is not much the worse for her journeyyou'll excuse me! [Alarmed. Lord M. I'm coming, Sir John! here, here, get behind my great chair; he sha'n't see you, and you may see all; I'll be short and pleasant with him. [Puts her behind the chair, and Enter SIR JOHN. Lord M. But why in a passion, Sir John? [Lord Minikin nods and laughs at Miss Tittup, who peeps from behind. Don't you think that my lady and I shall be able and willing to put her into the road? Sir J. Zounds! my lord, you are out of it During this scene LORD M. turns the chair, yourself; this comes of your travelling; all as SIR JOHN moves, to conceal TITTUP.. the town know how you and my lady live Sir J. You'll excuse me, my lord, that I together; and I must tell you- you'll excuse have broken in upon you; I heard you talk-me! - that my niece suffers by the bargain; ing pretty loud; what, have you nobody with prudence, my lord, is a very fine thing. you? what were you about, cousin? Lord M. So is a long neckcloth nicely twisted [Looking about. into a button hole, but I don't choose to wear Lord M. A particular affair, Sir John; I one-you'll excuse me! Sir J. I wish that he who first changed long you for your spirit, my sweet, heavenly Luneckcloths for such things as you wear, had cretia! the wearing of a twisted neckcloth that I would give him. Re-enter SIR JOHN. [Starts Lord M. Pr'ythee, baronet, don't be so hor- Sir J. One thing I had forgot. ridly out of the way; prudence is a very vul- Miss T. Ha! he's here again! gar virtue, and so incompatible with our Sir J. Why, what the devil!-heigho, my present ease and refinement, that a prudent niece Lucretia, and my virtuous lord, studying man of fashion is now as great a miracle as speeches for the good of the nation. Yes, yes, a pale woman of quality: we got rid of our you have been making fine speeches, indeed, mauvaise honte, at the time that we imported my lord; and your arguments have prevailed, our neighbour's rouge, and their morals. I see. I beg your pardon, I did not mean to Sir J. Did you ever hear the like! I am interrupt your studies-you'll excuse me, my not surprised, my lord, that you think so lord! lightly, and talk so vainly, who are so polite Lord M. [Smiling, and mocking him] a husband; your lady, my cousin, is a fine You'll excuse me, Sir John! woman, and brought you a fine fortune, and Sir J. O yes, my lord, but I'm afraid the deserves better usage. devil won't excuse you at the proper timeLord M. Will you have her, Sir John? she Miss Lucretia, how do you child? You are is very much at your service. to be married soon-I wish the gentleman joy, Sir J. Profligate! What did you marry her Miss Lucretia; he is a happy man to be sure, for, my lord? and will want nothing but the breaking of bis Lord M. Convenience-Marriage is not now- brother's neck to be completely so. a-days, an affair of inclination, but conveni-| Miss T. Upon my word, uncle, you are alence; and they who marry for love and such ways putting bad constructions upon things; old-fashioned stuff, are to me as ridiculous as my lord has been soliciting me to marry his those that advertise for an agreeable compan-friend- and having that moment- extorted a ion in a post-chaise. consent from me he was thanking-and-and Sir J. I have done, my lord; Miss Tittup-wishing me joy,—in his foolish manner. shall either return with me into the country, [Hesitating. or not a penny shall she have from Sir John Sir J. Is that all!-but how came you here, Trotley, baronet. [Whistles and walks about. child? did you fly down the chimney, or in Miss T. I am frightened out of my wits! at the window? for I don't remember seeing [Lord Minikin sings and sits down. you when I was here before. Sir J. Fray, my lord, what husband is this Miss T.. How can you talk so, Sir John? you have provided for her? You really confound me with your suspicions; Lord M. A friend of mine; a man of wit, and then you ask so many questions, and I and a fine gentleman. have so many things to do, that-that-upon Sir J. May be so, and yet make a damned my word, if I don't make haste, I sha'n't get husband for all that. You'll excuse me!-my dress ready for the ball, so I must runYou'll excuse me, uncle! [Exit, running. Sir J. A fine, hopeful, young lady that, my What estate has he, pray? lord? Lord M. She's well bred, and has wit. Lord M. He's a colonel; his elder brother, Sir Tan Tivy, will certainly break his neck, and then my friend will be a happy man. Sir J. Here's morals! a happy man, when his brother has broke his neck! -a happy laugh at her relations, and bestow favours on man-mercy on me! your lordship; but I must tell you plainly, my Lord M. Why, he'll have six thousand a lord-you'll excuse me — that your marrying year, Sir John— your lady, my cousin, to use her ill, and sendSir J. I don't care what he'll have, nor ling for my niece, your cousin, to debauch don't care what he is, nor who my niece her, marries; she is a fine lady, and let her have a Lord M. You're warm, Sir John, and don't fine gentleman; I sha'n't hinder her; I'll away know the world, and I never contend with into the country to-morrow, and leave you to ignorance and passion; live with me some your fine doings; I have no relish for 'em, time, and you'll be satisfied of my honour and not I; I can't live among you, nor eat with good intentions to you and your family; in you, nor game with you: I hate cards and the mean time, command my house; I must dice; I will neither rob nor be robbed; I am away immediately to Lady Filligree's- and 1 contented with what I have, and am very am sorry you won't make one with us-here, happy, my lord, though my brother has not Jessamy, give me my domino, and call a chair; broke his neck-you'll excuse me! [Exit. and don't let my uncle want for any thing Lord M. Ha, ha, ha! Come, fox, come out you'll excuse me, Sir John; tol, lol, de rol, et of your hole! ha, ha, ha! [Exit, singing Miss T. Indeed, my lord, you have undone Sir J. The world's at an end!-bere's fe me; not a foot shall I have of Trotley Manor, work! here are precious doings! this lord is that's positive! but no matter, there's no dan- pillar of the state too: no wonder that the ger of his breaking his neck, so I'll even make building is in danger with such rotten support myself happy with what I have, and behave ers;-heigh ho!-and then my poor Lady M to him for the future, as if he was a poor ikin, what a friend and husband she is blessed with!-let me consider!-should I tell the good Lord M. [Kneeling, snatching her Hand, woman of these pranks? I may only make and kissing it] I must kneel and adore more mischief, and may hap go near to kill relation. her, for she's as tender as she's virtuous; poor Lady M. Sir John, I must insist upon your lady! I'll e'en go and comfort her directly, not going away in a mistake. and endeavour to draw her from the wicked-| Sir J. No mistake, my lady, I am thoroughly ness of this town into the country, where she convinced-mercy on me! shall have reading, fowling, and fishing, to keep Lady M. I must beg you, Sir John, not to up her spirits, and when I die, I will leave make any wrong constructions upon this acciher that part of my fortune, with which I in-dent; you must know, that the moment you tended to reward the virtues of Miss Lucretia was at the door-I had promised the colonel Tittup, with a plague to her! [Exit. no longer to be his enemy in his designs upon Miss Tittup,-this threw him into such a rap SCENE III.-LADY MINIKIN'S Apartment. ture, -that upon my promising my interest with you-and wishing him joy-he fell upon LADY MINIKIN and COLONEL TIVY discovered. his knees, and-and-[Laughing] ha, ha, ha! Lady M. Don't urge it, Colonel; I can't Col T. Ha, ha, ha! yes, yes, I fell upon my think of coming home from the masquerade knees, and-andthis evening; though I should pass for my Sir J. Ay, ay, fell upon your knees, andniece, it would make an uproar among my and-ha, ha! a very good joke, faith; and the servants; and perhaps from the mistake break best of it is, that they are wishing joy all over off your match with Tittup. the house upon the same occasion: and my Col. T. My dear Lady Minikin, you know lord is wishing joy; and I wish him joy, and my marriage with your niece is only a second-you, with all my heart. ary consideration; my first and principal ob- Lady M. Upon my word, Sir John, your ject is you-you, Madam!—therefore, my dear cruel suspicions affect me strongly; and though lady, give me your promise to leave the ball my resentment is curbed by my regard, my with me; you must, Lady Minikin; a bold tears cannot be restrained; 'tis the only reyoung fellow and a soldier as I am, ought source my innocence has left. [Exit, crying. not to be kept from plunder when the town Col. T. I reverence you, Sir, as a relation to has capitulated. that lady, but as her slanderer I detest you: Lady M. But it has not capitulated, and per- her tears must be dried, and my honour satishaps never will; however, colonel, since you fied; you know what I mean; take your choice; are so furious, I must come to terms, I think. -time, place, sword, or pistol; consider it Keep your eyes upon me at the ball, I think calmly, and determine as you please. I am a I may expect that, and when I drop my hand-soldier, Sir John. [Exit. kerchief, 'tis your signal for pursuing; I shall Sir J. Very fine, truly! and so, between the get home as fast as I can, you may follow me crocodile and the bully, my throat is to be cut; as fast as you can; my lord and Tittup will they are guilty of all sorts of iniquity, and be otherwise employed. Gymp will let us in when they are discovered, no humility, no rethe back way. No, no, my heart misgives me. pentance!— the ladies have recourse to their Col. T. Then I am miserable! tongues or their tears, and the gallants to their Lady M. Nay, rather than you should be swords. That I may not be drawn in by the miserable, colonel, I will indulge your martial one, or drawn upon by the other, I'll hurry spirit; meet me in the field; there's my gaunt- into the country while I retain my senses, and let. [Throws down her glove. can sleep in a whole skin. Col. T. [Seizing it] Thus I accept your sweet challenge; and, if I fail you, may I hereafter, both in love and war, be branded with the name of coward. [Kneels and kisses her Hand. Enter SIR JOHN, opening the door. Sir J. May I presume, cousinLady M. Ha! ACT II. Enter SIR JOHN and JESSAMY. [Exit. Sir J. There is no bearing this! what a land are we in! upon my word, Mr. Jessamy, you should look well to the house, there are cer[Squalls. tainly rogues about it; for I did but cross the Sir J. Mercy upon us, what are we at now? way just now to the pamphlet-shop, to buy a [Looks astonished. Touch of the Times, and they have taken my Lady M. How can you be so rude, Sir John, hanger from my side; ay, and hat a pluck at to come into a lady's room without first knock- my watch too; but I heard of their tricks, and ing at the door? you have frightened me out had it sewed to my pocket. of my wits. Jes. Don't be alarmed, Sir John; 'tis a very Sir J. I am sure you have frightened me common thing, and if you walk the streets oat of mine! Col. T. Such rudeness deserves death! Sir J. Death indeed! for I never shall recover myself again. All pigs of the same stye! all studying for the good of the nation! Lady M. We must soothe him, and not provoke him. without convoy, you will be picked up by privateers of all kinds; ha, ha! Sir J. Not be alarmed when I am robbed! -why, they might have cut my throat with my own hanger! I sha'n't sleep a wink all night; so pray lend me some weapon of defence, for [Half aside to the Col. I am sure, if they attack me in the open street, Col. T. I would cut his throat, if you'd per- they'll be with me at night again. [Aside to Lady Minikin. Jes. I'll lend you my own sword, Sir John; Sir J. The devil has got his hoof in the be assured there's no danger; there's robbing house, and has corrupted the whole family; and murder cried every night under my winI'll get out of it as fast as I can, lest he should dow; but it no more disturbs me, than the lay hold of me too. [Going. ticking of my watch at my bed's head. mit me. |