Sir J. Oh, oh, now the murder is out; this visit was intended for them: come, own now, major, did not you expect to meet with them here? You officers are men of such gallantry! Maj. S. Why, we do tickle up the ladies, sir Jacob; there is no resisting a red coat. Sir J. True, true, major. Sir J. Very well, son Sneak. [Exit Sneak. Mrs. S. Son! yes, and a pretty son you have provided. Sir J. I hope all for the best: why, what terrible work there would have been, had you married such a one as your sister; one house could never have contain'd you. Now, I thought this meek mate monster. Maj. S. But that is now all over with me. "Farewell to the plumed steeds and neighing Mrs. S. Meek! a mushroom! a milksop! troops," as the black man says in the play; Sir. J. Lookye, Molly, I have married you like the Roman censurer, I shall retire to my to a man; take care you don't make him a Savine field, and there cultivate cabbages. Sir J. Under the shade of your laurels. Maj. S. True; I have done with the major, and now return to the magistrate; cedunt arma togge. Mob. Without] Huzza! Re-enter ROGER. Roger. Yes, sir Jacob. Make way there; stand further off from the gate: here is madam Sneak in a chair along with her husband. Maj. S. 'Gadso, you will permit me to convoy her in. [Exit. Sir J. Now here is one of the evils of war. This Sturgeon was as pains-taking a Billingsgate-broker as any in the bills of mortality. But the fish is got out of his element; the soldier has quite demolish'd the citizen. Re-enter MAJOR STURGEON, leading in Mrs. S. Dear major, I demand a million of pardons. I have given you a profusion of trouble; but my husband is such a goose-cap, that I can't get no good out of him at home or abroad.-Jerry, Jerry Sneak!-Your blessing, sir Jacob. Sir J. Daughter, you are welcome to Garratt. Enter JERRY SNEAK, with a Band-box and a Hoop-petticoat under his Arm, and Cardinal, etc. Sncak. Here lovy. Mrs. S. Here, looby: there, lay these things in the hall; and then go aud look after the horse. Are you sure you have got all the things out of the Sneak. Yes, chuck. [chaise? Mrs. S. Then give me my fan. [Jerry drops the Things in searching his Pocket for the Fan. Mrs. S. Did ever mortal see such a-I declare, I am quite asham'd to be seen with him abroad: go, get you gone out of my sight. Sneak. I go, lovy. Good day to my fatherin-law. Sir J. I am glad to see you, son Sneak: but where is your brother Bruin and his wife? Sneak. He will be here anon, father sir Jacob; he did but just step into the Alley to gather how tickets were sold. [Exit Sir Jacob. Mrs. S. Monster! Why, major, the fellow has no more heart than a mouse. Had my kind stars indeed allotted me a military man, I shonld, doubtless, have deported myself in a beseemingly manner. Maj. S. Unquestionably, madam. Mrs. S. Nor would the major have found, had it been my fortune to intermarry with him, that Molly Jollup would have dishonoured his cloth. Maj. S. I should have been too happy. Mrs. S. Indeed, sir, I reverence the army; they are all so brave, so polite, so every thing a woman can wish. Maj. S. Oh, madam Mrs. S. So elegant, so genteel, so obliging: and then the rank; why, who would dare to affront the wife of a major? Maj. S. No man with impunity; that I take the freedom to say, madam. Mrs. S. I know it, good sir. Oh! I am no stranger to what I have miss'd. Maj. S. Oh, madam!-Let me die, but she has infinite merit. [Aside. Mrs. S. Then to be join'd to a sneaking slovenly cit; a paltry, prying, pitiful pin-maker! Maj. S. Melancholy! Mrs. S. To be jostled and cramm'd with the crowd; no respect, no place, no precedence; to be chok'd with the smoke of the city; no country jaunts but to Islington; no balls but at Pewterers'-hall. Maj. S. Intolerable! Mrs. S. I see, sir, you have a proper sense of my sufferings. Maj. S. And would shed my best blood to relieve them. Mrs. S. Gallant gentleman! Maj. S. The brave must favour the fair. Maj. S. Divine Mrs. Sneak! Maj. S. Might I be permitted the honour- Maj. S. Just to ravish a kiss from your hand? Mrs. S. You have a right to all we can grant. Maj. S. Courteous, condescending, complying-Hum-Ha ! Re-enter JERRY SNEAK. Sneak. Chuck, my brother and sister Bruin are just turning the corner; the Clapham stage was quite full, and so they came by water. Mrs. S. I wish they had all been sous'd in the Thames-A prying, impertinent puppy! Maj. S. Next time I will clap a sentinel to secure the door. Mrs. S. Major Sturgeon, permit me to withdraw for a moment; my dress demands a little repair. Maj. S. Your ladyship's most entirely devoted. you have tousled the curls! Master Sneak, a Mrs. S. Ladyship! he is the very Broglio good morning to you. and Belleisle of the army! Sneak. Shall I wait upon you, dove? Mrs. S. No, dolt; what, would you leave the major alone? Is that your manners, you mongrel? Maj. S, Oh, madam, I can never be alone; your sweet idera will be my constant companion. Mrs. S. Mark that: I am sorry, sir, I obligated to leave you. Maj. S. Madam- servant unknown. Sir, I am your humble Re-enter ROGER. Roger. Mrs. Sneak begs to speak with the major. Maj. S. I will wait on the lady immediately. Sneak. Don't tarry an instant; you cant think how impatient she is. [Exit Major] A am good morrow to you, brother Bruin; you have had a warm walk across the fields. Mrs. S. Especially with such a wretched companion. Maj. S. Oh, madam Mrs. S. But as soon as my dress is restored, I shall fly to relieve your distress. Maj. S. For that moment I shall wait with the greatest impatience. Mrs. S. Courteous commander! Mrs. S. Adieu! Maj. S. Adieu! [Exit Mrs. Sneak. Mrs. B. Good lord, I am all in a muckBruin. And who may you thank for it, hussy? If you had got up time enough, you might have secur'd the stage; but you are a lazy lie abed Mrs. B. There's Mr. Sneak keeps my sister a chay. Bruin. And so he may; but I know better what to do with my money. Mrs. B. For the matter of that, we can af ford it well enough as it is. Bruin. And how do you know that? Who Sneak. Notwithstanding, sir, all my chicken told you as much, Mrs. Mixen? I hope I know has said, I am special company when she is the world better than to trust my concerns not by. with a wife: no, no, thank you for that, Mrs. Jane. Maj. S. I doubt not, master Sneak. Mrs. B. And pray who is more fitterer to day night to our club, at the Nag's-head in be trusted? the Poultry, you would meet some roaring, Bruin. Hey-day! Why, the wench is berare boys, i'faith; there's Jemmy Perkins, the witch'd: come, come, let's have none of your packer; little Tom Simkins, the grocer; honest palaver here-Take twelve-pence and pay the master Muzzle, the midwifewaterman.-But first see if he has broke none Maj. S. A goodly company! of the pipes-And, d'ye hear, Jane, be sure Sneak. Ay, and then sometimes we have to lay the fishing-rod safe. [Exit Mrs. Bruin. the choice spirits from Comus's court, and we Sneak. Odds me, how finely she's manag'd! crack jokes, and are so jolly and funny. I what would I give to have my wife as much have learnt myself to sing "An old woman under! clothed in grey;" but I durst not sing out loud, because my wife would overhear me: and she says as how I bawl worser than the broomman. Maj. S. And you must not think of disobliging your lady. Sneak. I never does: I never contradicts her, not I. Maj.S. That's right: she is a woman of infinite merit. Sneak. O, a power! And don't you think she is very pretty withal? Maj. S. A Venus! I Bruin. It is all your own fault, brother Sneak. Sneak. D'ye think so? She is a sweet pretty creature. Bruin. A vixen. Sneak. Why, to say the truth, she does now and then hector a little; and, between ourselves, domineers like the devil. O Lord, lead the life of a dog. Why, she allows me but two shillings a week for my pocket. Bruin. No! Sneak. No, man; 'tis she that receives and pays all: and then I am forc'd to trot after Sneak. Yes, werry like Venus-Mayhap you her to church, with her cardinal, patteas, and have known her some time? Maj. S. Long. Sneak. Belike before she was married? Sneak. Ay, when she was a wirgin. I thought you was an old acquaintance, by your kissing her hand; for we ben't quite so familiar as that-But then indeed we han't been married a year. Sneak. No; she always helps me herself to the tough drumsticks of the turkeys, and the damn'd fat flaps of shoulders of mutton. I don't think I have eat a bit of under-crust since we have been married. You see, broBruin. [Without] Come along, Jane; why ther Bruin, I am almost as thin as a lath. you are as pursy and lazy, you jade Moj. S. The mere honeymoon. Sneak. Ay, ay, I suppose we shall come to it by degrees. Bruin. An absolute skeleton! Sneak. Now, if you think I could carry my Enter BRUIN and MRS. BRUIN; BRUIN with point, I would so swinge and leather w a Cotton Cap on; his Wife with his lambkin; God, I would so curry and claw her. Wig, great Coat, and Fishing-rod. Bruin. By the lord Harry, she richly de Come, Jane, give me my wig: you slut, how serves it. Sneak. Will you, brother, lend me a lift? Sneak. No, no; it would not be decent. Bruin. Trot, nincompoop. 3 Mob. Room for master Snuffle. Heel. Here, stand by me: and let us, neighbours, proceed to open the premunire of the thing: but first, your reverence to the lord of the manor: a long life and a merry one to our landlord, sir Jacob! Huzza! Mob. Huzza! Sneak. How fares it, honest Crispin? Heel. Servant, master Sneak.-Let us now open the premunire of the thing, which I shall do briefly, with all the loquacity possible; that is, in a medium way; which, that we may the better do it, let the secretary read the names of the candidates, and what they say for themselves; and then we shall know what to say of them. Master Snuffle, begin. Snuffle. [Reads] To the worthy inhabitants of the ancient corporation of Garratt: Sneak. I come, chuck, as fast as I can. gentlemen, your votes and interest are Good Lord, what a sad life do I lead! [Exit. humbly requested in favour of Timothy Bruin. Ex quovis linguo: who can make a Goose, to succeed your late worthy mayor, silk purse of a sow's ear? Mr. Richard Dripping, in the said office, he being Sneak. Well, if I don't-I wishMrs. S. [Without] Where is this lazy puppy a-loitering? Re-enter SIR JACOB. a Sir J. Come, son Bruin, we are all seated Heel. This Goose is but a kind of gosling, at tahle, man; we have but just time for a sort of sneaking scoundrel. Who is he? snack; the candidates are near upon coming. Snuffle. A journeyman tailor from Putney. Bruin. A poor, paltry, mean-spirited-Damn Heel. A journeyman tailor! A rascal, has it, before I would submit to such a- be the impudence to transpire to be mayor? Sir J. Come, come, man; don't be so crusty. D'ye consider, neighbours, the weight of this Bruin. I follow, sir Jacob. Damme, when office? Why, it is a burden for the back of once a man gives up his prerogative, he might a porter; and can you think that this crossas well give up-But, however, it is no bread legg'd cabbage-eating son of a cucumber, this and butter of mine-Jerry! Jerry!-Zounds, whey-fac'd ninny, who is but the ninth part I would Jerry and jerk her too. [Exit. of a man, has strength to support it? ACT II. SIR JACOB JOLLUP, MAJOR Sturgeon, BRUIN, discovered on SIR JACOB's Garden Wall. Heel. Silence, there; silence! 3 Mob. Ay, ay, hear him, hear Crispin: he will put us into the model of the thing at once. Heel. Why then, silence! I say. All. Silence. Heel. Silence, and let us proceed, 1 Mob. No goose! no goose! 2 Mob. A goose! Heel. Hold your hissing, and proceed to the next. Snuffle. [Reads] Your votes are desired for Matthew Mug. 1 Mob. A mug! a mug! Heel. Oh, oh, what you are all ready to have a touch of the tankard: but, fair and soft, good neighbours, let us taste this master Mug before we swallow him; and, unless I am mistaken, you will find him a damn'd bitter draught. 1 Mob. A mug! a mug! 2 Mob. Hear him; hear master Heeltap. Heel. Harkye, you fellow with your mouth neigh-full of mug, let me ask you a question: bring bours, with all the decency and confusion him forward. Pray is not this Matthew Mug usual upon these occasions. 1 Mob. Ay, ay, there is no doing without All. No, no, no. [that. Heel. Silence then, and keep the peace what, is there no respect paid to authority? am not I the returning officer? All. Ay, ay, ay. a victualler? 3 Mob. I believe he may. Heel. And lives at the sign of the Adam and Eve? 3 Mob. I believe he may. Heel. Now answer upon your honour, and as you are a gentleman, what is the present Heel. Chosen by yourselves, and approved price of a quart of home-brew'd at the Adam of by sir Jacob? All. True, true. Heel. Well then, be silent and civil; stand back there, that gentleman without a shirt, and make room for your betters. Where's Simon Snuffle the sexton? Snuffle. Here. and Eve? 3 Mob. I don't know. Heel. You lie, sirrah: an't it a groat? Heel. Oh, may be so, Now, neighbours, here's a pretty rascal; this same Mug, because, d'ye see, state affairs would not jog glibly Heel. Let him come forward; we appoint without laying a farthing a quart upon ale; him our secretary: for Simon is a scollard, this scoundrel, not contented to take things and can read written hand; and so let him in a medium way, has had the impudence to be respected accordingly. raise it a penny. 4 Mob. No mug! no mug! such a bear? Is that a manner of treating Heel. So, I thought I should crack Mr. your wife? Mug. Come, proceed to the next, Simon. Bruin. What, I suppose you would have Snuffle. The next upon the list is Peter me such a snivelling sot as your son-in-law, Primmer, the schoolmaster. Sneak, to truckle and cringe, to fetch and to Heel. Ay, neighbours, and a sufficient man: let me tell you, master Primmer is the man Re-enter JERRY SNEAK, in a violent Hurry. for my money; a man of learning, that can Sneak. Where's brother Bruin? O Lord! lay down the law: why, adzooks, he is wise brother, I have such a dismal story to tell you, enough to puzzle the parson: and then, how Bruin. What's the matter? you have heard him oration at the Adam and Sneak. Why, you know I went into the Eve of a Saturday night, about Russia and garden to look for my wife and the major, Prussia. 'Ecod, George Gage the exciseman is nothing at all to un. 4 Mob. A primmer! Heel. Ay, if the folks above did but know him. Why, lads, he will make us all statesmen in time. Heel. "For," says Peter, says he, "if they would but once submit to be learned by me, there is no knowing to what a pitch the nation might rise. A Mob. Ay, I wish they would. Sneak. Crispin, what is Peter Primmer a candidate? Heel. He is, master Sneak. Sneak. Lord, I know him, mun, as well as my mother: why, I used to go to his lectures to Pewterers'-hall 'long with deputy Firkin. Heel. Like enough. Sneak. Odds me, brother Bruin, can you tell me what is become of my wife? Bruin. She is gone off with the major. Sneak. Mayhap to take a walk in the garden. I will go and take a peep at what they are doing. [Exit. Mob. Without] Huzza! Heel. Gad-so! the candidates are coming. [Exeunt Mob, etc. Re-enter SIR JACOB JOLLUP, BRUIN, and MRS. Bruin. Why, lookye, sir Jacob, my way is always to speak what I think: I don't approve on't at all. Mrs. B. No? Sir J. And what's your objection? Bruin. Why, I was never over fond of your Maygames: besides, corporations are too serious things; they are edge-tools, sir Jacob. Sir J. That they are frequently tools, I can readily grant; but I never heard much of their edge. Mrs. B. Well now, I protest I am pleas'd with it mightily. Bruin. And who the devil doubts it?-You women folks are easily pleas'd. Mrs. B. Well, I like it so well, that I hope to see one every year. I Bruin. Do you? Why then you will be damnably bit; you may take your leave, can tell you; for this is the last you shall see. Sir J. Fie, Mr. Bruin, how can you be and there I hunted and hunted as sharp as if it had been for one of my own minikins; but the deuce a major or madam could I see: at last, a thought came into my head to look for them up in the summer-house. Bruin. And there you found them? Sneak. I'll tell you: the door was lock'd; and then I look'd through the key-hole: and there, Lord ha' mercy upon us! [Whispers] as sure as a gun. Bruin. Indeed! Zounds, why did not you break open the door? Sneak. I durst not. What, would you have me set my wit to a soldier? I warrant the major would have knock'd me down with one of his boots. Bruin. Very well! Pretty doings! You see, sir Jacob, these are the fruits of indulgence. You may call me a bear, but your daughter shall never make me a beast. [Mob huzza. Sir J. Hey-day! What, is the election over already? Re-enter CRISPIN HEELTAP, etc. Heel. Where is master Sneak? Sneak. Here, Crispin. Heel. The ancient corporation of Garratt, in consideration of your great parts and abilities, and out of respect to their landlord, sir Jacob, have unanimously chosen you mayor. Sneak. Me! huzza! Good Lord, who would have thought it? But how came master Primmer to lose it? Heel. Why, Phil Fleam had told the electors, that master Primmer was an Irishman; and so they would none of them give their vote for a foreigner. Sneak. So then I have it for certain: huzza! Now, brother Bruin, you shall see how I'll manage my madam. 'Gad, I'll make her know am a man of authority; she shan't think to bullock and domineer over me. I Mrs. S. [Without] Jerry! Jerry! Bruin. Now for it, Sneak; the enemy's at hand. Sneak. You promise to stand by me, brother Bruin? Bruin. Tooth and nail. Sneak. Then now for it; I am ready, let her come when she will. Sneak. May be 'tis, may be 'tan't: I don't choose to trust my affairs with a woman-l that right, brother Bruin? [Apart Bruin. Fine! don't bate her an inch. [Apart. 1 Sneak. Stand by me. [Apart. Re-enter MAJOR STURGEON. Mrs. S. Hey-day! I am amaz'd; Why, what Oh, major! such a riot and rumpus! Like a is the meaning of this? man indeed! I wish people would mind their Sneak. The meaning is plain; that I am own affairs, and not meddle with matters that grown a man, and vil do what I please, with- does not concern them:-but all in good time; out being accountable to nobody. I shall one day catch him alone, when he bas [Apart. Mrs. S. Why, the fellow is surely bewitch'd.not his bullies to back him. Sneak. No, I am unwitch'd, and that you Sneak. Adod, that's true, brother Bruin shall know to your cost; and since you pro-what shall I do when she has me at home, voke me, I will tell you a bit of my mind and nobody by but ourselves? what, I am the husband, I hope? Bruin. If you get her once under, you may Bruin. That's right; at her again. [Apart. do with her whatever you will. Sneak. Yes, and you shan't think to hector Maj. S. Lookye, master Bruin, I don't know and domineer over me as you have done; for how this behaviour may suit with a citizen; I'll go to the club when I please, and stay but were you an officer, and major Sturgeon out as late as I list, and row in a boat to upon your court-martialPutney on Sundays, and wisit my friends at Bruin. What then? Vitsontide, and keep the key of the till, and help myself at table to what wittles I like; and I'll have a bit of the brown. Bruin. Bravo, brother Sneak, the day's, Maj. S. What! read the articles of war. [Apart. But these things are out of your spear: points your own. Maj. S. Then! why then you would be broke. Bruin, Broke! and for what? Sneak. An't it? Vhy, I did not think it of honour are for the sons of the sword. vas in me. Shall I tell her all I know? [Apart Sneak. Honour! if you come to that, where Bruin. Every thing. You see she is struck was your honour when you got my vife in [Apart. the garden? dumb. Sneak. As an oyster. [Apart] Besides, ma- Maj. S. Now, sir Jacob, this is the curse dam, I have something furder to tell you of our cloth: all suspected for the faults of a 'ecod, if some folks go into gardens with ma- few. I jors, mayhap other people may go into gar- Sneak. Ay, and not without reason. rets with maids.-There, I gave it her home: heard of your tricks at the King of Bohemy, [Apart, when you was campaigning about, I did. FaMrs. S. Why, doodle! jackanapes! harkye, ther sir Jacob, he is as wicious as an old ram. who am I? brother Bruin. Sneak. Come, don't go to call names. Am I? why, my vife, and I am your master. Mrs. S. My master! you paltry, puddling puppy! you sneaking, shabby, scrubby, snivelling whelp! Sneak. Brother Bruin, don't let her come near me. Maj. S. Stop whilst you are safe, master Sneak; for the sake of your amiable lady, I pardon what is past-but for you Bruin. Well. [To Bruin. Maj. S. Dread the whole force of my fury. Bruin. Why, lookye, major Sturgeon, I [Apart. don't much care for your poppers and sharps, Mrs. S. Have I, sirrah, demean'd myself to because why, they are out of my way; but wed such a thing, such a reptile as thee? if you will doff with your boots, and box a Have I not made myself a by-word to all my couple of boutsacquaintance? Don't the world cry, Lord, who would have thought it? Miss Molly Jollup to be married to Sneak; to take up at last with such a noodle as he! Maj. S. Box!box!-Blades! bullets! bagshot! Mrs. S. Not for the world, my dear major! oh, risk not so precious a life. Ungrateful wretches! and is this the reward for all the Sneak. Ay, and glad enough you could great feats he has done? After all his marchcatch me: you know you was pretty nearings, his sousings, his sweatings, his swimour last legs. mings, must his dear blood be spilt by a bro Mrs. S. Was there ever such a confident ker? ur? My last legs! Why, all the country Maj. S. Be satisfied, sweet Mrs. Sneak; nows I could have pick'd and choos'd where these little fracases we soldiers are subject to; would. Did not I refuse squire Ap-Griffith trifles, bagatailes, Mrs. Sneak. But that matrom Wales? Did not counsellor Crab come ters may be conducted in a military manner, courting a twelvemonth? Did not Mr. Wort, I will get our chaplain to pen me a challenge. e great brewer of Brentford, make an offer Expect to hear from my adjutant. [To Bruin. at I should keep my post-chay? Mrs. S. Major! sir Jacob! what, are you Sneak. Nay, brother Bruin, she has had all leagu'd against his dear?-A man! yes, a erry good proffers, that is certain. [Apart. very manly action indeed, to set married peoMrs. S. My last legs!-but I can rein my ple a quarrelling, and ferment a difference assion no longer; let me get at the villain." between husband and wife: if you were a Bruin. O fie, sister Sneak. man, you would not stand by and see a poor [Apart. woman beat and abus'd by a brute, you would Mrs. S. Mr. Bruin, unhand me: what, is it not. u that have stirred up these coals then?| Sneak. Oh Lord, I can hold out no longer! is set on by you to abuse me. why, brother Bruin, you have set her a veepBruin. Not I; I would only have a man ing. My life, my lovy, don't veep: did I ever have like a man. think I should have made my Molly to veep? Mrs. S. Last legs, you lubberly Sneak. Hold her fast. Mrs. S. What, and are you to teach him, warrant.—But here comes the major. [Strikes him. |
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