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TEACHER "If a man saves $2 a week, how long will it take him to save a thousand?"
Boy-"He never would, ma'am. After he got $900 he'd buy a
"How fast is your car, Jimpson? asked Harkaway. "Well," said Jimpson, "it keeps about six months ahead of my income generally."
"What is the name of your automobile?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know? What do your folks call it?"
"Oh, as to that, father always says 'The Mortgage'; brother Tom calls it 'The Fake'; mother, 'My Limousine'; sister, ‘Our Car'; grandma, 'That Peril'; the chauffeur, 'Some Freak,' and our neighbors, "The Limit.' "—Life.
"What little boy can tell me the difference between the 'quick' and the 'dead?" asked the Sunday-school teacher.
Willie waved his hand frantically.
"Please, ma'am, the 'quick' are the ones that get out of the way of automobiles; the ones that don't are the 'dead.''
"Do you have much trouble with your automobile?" "Trouble! Say, I couldn't have more if I was married to the blamed machine."
A little "Brush" chugged painfully up to the gate of a race track.
The gate-keeper, demanding the usual fee for automobiles, called:
"A dollar for the car!"
The owner looked up with a pathetic smile of relief and said:
Autos rush in where mortgages have dared to tread.
See also Fords; Profanity.
"Sorry, gentlemen," said the new constable, "but I'll hev to run ye in. We been keepin' tabs on ye sence ye left Huckleberry Corners."
"Why, that's nonsense!" said Dubbleigh. "It's taken us four hours to come twenty miles, thanks to a flabby tire. That's only five miles an hour."
"Sure!" said the new constable, "but the speed law round these here parts is ten mile an hour, and by Jehosophat I'm goin' to make you ottermobile fellers live up to it."
Two street pedlers in Bradford, England, bought a horse for $11.25. It was killed by a motor-car one day and the owner of the car paid them $115 for the loss. Thereupon a new industry sprang up on the roads of England.
"It was very romantic," says the friend. "He proposed to her in the automobile."
"Yes?" we murmur, encouragingly.
"And she accepted him in the hospital.”
"What you want to do is to have that mudhole in the road fixed," said the visitor.
"That goes to show," replied Farmer Corntassel, "how little you reformers understand local conditions. I've purty nigh paid off a mortgage with the money I made haulin' automobiles out o' that mud-hole."
The old lady from the country and her small son were driving to town when a huge automobile bore down upon them. The horse was badly frightened and began to prance, whereupon the old lady leaped down and waved wildly to the chauffeur, screaming at the top of her voice.
The chauffeur stopped the car and offered to help get the horse past.
"That's all right," said the boy, who remained composedly in the carriage, "I can manage the horse. You just lead Mother past."
"What makes you carry that horrible shriek machine for an automobile signal?"
"For humane reasons," replied Mr. Chuggins. "If I can paralyze a person with fear he will keep still and I can run to one side of him."
In certain sections of West Virginia there is no liking for automobilists, as was evidenced in the case of a Washingtonian who was motoring in a sparsely settled region of the State.
This gentleman was haled before a local magistrate upon the complaint of a constable. The magistrate, a good-natured man, was not, however, absolutely certain that the Washingtonian's car had been driven too fast; and the owner stoutly insisted that he had been progressing at the rate of only six miles an hour.
"Why, your Honor," he said, "my engine was out of order, and I was going very slowly because I was afraid it would break down completely. I give you my word, sir, you could have walked as fast as I was running."
"Well," said the magistrate, after due reflection, "you don't appear to have been exceeding the speed limit, but at the same time you must have been guilty of something, or you wouldn't be here. I fine you ten dollars for loitering.”—Fenimore Martin.
The aviator's wife was taking her first trip with her husband in his airship. "Wait a minute, George," she said. "I'm afraid we will have to go down again."
"What's wrong?" asked her husband.
"I believe I have dropped one of the pearl buttons off my jacket. I think I can see it glistening on the ground."
"Keep your seat, my dear," said the aviator, "that's Lake Erie."
AVIATOR (to young assistant, who has begun to be frightened)—“Well, what do you want now?"
ASSISTANT (whimpering)—“I want the earth."-Abbie C.
When Claude Grahame-White the famous aviator, author of "The Aeroplane in War," was in this country not long ago, he was spending a week-end at a country home. He tells the following story of an incident that was very amusing to him.
"The first night that I arrived, a dinner party was given. Feeling very enthusiastic over the recent flights, I began to tell the young woman who was my partner at the table of some of the details of the aviation sport.
"It was not until the dessert was brought on that I realized that I had been doing all the talking; indeed, the young woman seated next me had not uttered a single word since I first began talking about aviation. Perhaps she was not interested in the subject, I thought, although to an enthusiast like me it seemed quite incredible.
""I am afraid I have been boring you with this shop talk,' I said, feeling as if I should apologize.
'Oh, not at all,' she murmured, in very polite tones; 'but would you mind telling me, what is aviation?"-M. A. Hitchcock.
Little drops in water-
Make the aviator,
Join the heavenly band.
"Are you an experienced aviator?"
"Well, sir, I have been at it six weeks and I am all here."
PROUD FATHER-"Rick, my boy, if you live up to your oration you'll be an honor to the family."
VALEDICTORIAN-"I expect to do better than that, father. I am going to try to live up to the baccalaureate sermon."
There once were some learned M. D.'s,
Which, without causing pain,
Two doctors met in the hall of the hospital.
"I've got a most curious case. Woman, cross-eyed; in fact.
so cross-eyed that when she cries the tears run down her back." "What are you doing for her?"
"Just now," was the answer, "we're treating her for bacteria."
Mrs. Philpots came panting downstairs on her way to the temperance society meeting. She was a short, plump woman. "Addie, run up to my room and get my blue ribbon rosette, the temperance badge," she directed her maid. "I have forgotten it. You will know it, Addie-blue ribbon and gold lettering."
"Yas'm, I knows it right well." Addie could not read, but she knew a blue ribbon with gold lettering when she saw it, and therefore had not trouble in finding it and fastening it properly on the dress of her mistress.
At the meeting Mrs. Philpots was too busy greeting her friends to note that they smiled when they shook hands with her. When she reached home supper was served, so she went directly to the dining-room, where the other members of the family were seated.
“Gracious me, Mother!" exclaimed her son: "that blue ribbon-you haven't been wearing that at the temperance meeting?"
A loud laugh went up on all sides.
"Why, what is it, Harry?" asked the good woman, clutching at the ribbon in surprise.