"What sort of chap is he?" "Well, after a beggar has touched him for a dime he'll tell you he gave a little dinner to an acquaintance of his.'”—R. R. Kirk. WILLIE "All the stores closed on the day my uncle died." TOMMY-"That's nothing. All the banks closed for three weeks the day after my pa left town.”—Puck. Two men were boasting about their rich kin. Said one: "My father has a big farm in Connecticut. It is so big that when he goes to the barn on Monday morning to milk the cows he kisses us all good-by, and he doesn't get back till the following Saturday." "Why does it take him so long?" the other man asked. "Because the barn is so far away from the house." "Well, that may be a pretty big farm, but compared to my father's farm in Pennsylvania your father's farm ain't no bigger than a city lot!" "Why, how big is your father's farm?" "Well, it's so big that my father sends young married couples out to the barn to milk the cows, and the milk is brought back by their grandchildren." BONANZAS A certain Congressman had disastrous experience in goldmine speculations. One day a number of colleagues were discussing the subject of his speculation, when one of them said to this Western member: "Old chap, as an expert, give us a definition of the term, 'bonanza.'" “A 'bonanza,'” replied the Western man with emphasis, "is a hole in the ground owned by a champion liar!" BOOKKEEPING Tommy, fourteen years old, arrived home for the holidays, and at his father's request produced his account book, duly kept at school. Among the items "S. P. G." figured largely and fre quently. "Darling boy," fondly exclaimed his doting mamma: "see how good he is always giving to the missionaries." But Tommy's sister knew him better than even his mother did, and took the first opportunity of privately inquiring what those mystic letters stood for. Nor was she surprised ultimately to find that they represented, not the venerable Society for the Propagation of the Gospel, but "Sundries, Probably Grub." BOOKS AND READING LADY PRESIDENT-"What book has helped you most? -Martha Young. "You may send me up the complete works of Shakespeare, Goethe and Emerson-also something to read." There are three classes of bookbuyers: Collectors, women and readers. The owner of a large library solemnly warned a friend against the practice of lending books. To punctuate his advice he showed his friend the well-stocked shelves. "There!" said he. "Every one of those books was lent me." In science, read, by preference, the newest works; in literature, the oldest.-Bulwer-Lytton. Learning hath gained most by those books by which the Printers have lost.-Fuller. Books should to one of these four ends conduce, For wisdom, piety, delight, or use. -Sir John Denham. A darky meeting another coming from the library with a book accosted him as follows: "What book you done got there, Rastus?" "Last Days of Pompeii."" "Last days of Pompey? Is Pompey dead? I never heard about it. Now what did Pompey die of?" "I don't 'xactly know, but it must hab been some kind of 'ruption." "I don't know what to give Lizzie for a Christmas present," one chorus girl is reported to have said to her mate while discussing the gift to be made to a third. "Give her a book," suggested the other. And the first one replied meditatively, "No, she's got a book." -Literary Digest. BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING A bookseller reports these mistakes of customers in sending orders: AS ORDERED Lame as a Roble God's Image in Mud Pair of Saucers Pierre and His Poodle CORRECT TITLE Les Misérables God's Image in Man Paracelsus Pierre and His People When a customer in a Boston department store asked a clerk for Hichens's Bella Donna, the reply was, "Drug counter, third aisle over." It was a few days before Christmas in one of New York's large book-stores. CLERK "What is it, please?" CUSTOMER-"I would like Ibsen's A Doll's House." BOOKWORMS "A book-worm," said papa, "is a person who would rather read than eat, or it is a worm that would rather eat than read." BOOMERANGS See Repartee; Retaliation. BORES "What kind of a looking man is that chap Gabbleton you just mentioned? I don't believe I have met him." "Well, if you see two men off in a corner anywhere and one of them looks bored to death, the other is Gabbleton."-Puck. A man who was a well known killjoy was described as a great athlete. He could throw a wet blanket two hundred yards in any gathering. See also Conversation; Husbands; Preaching; Public speakers; Reformers. BORROWERS A well-known but broken-down Detroit newspaper man, who had been a power in his day, approached an old friend the other day in the Pontchartrain Hotel and said: "What do you think? I have just received the prize insult of my life. A paper down in Muncie, Ind., offered me a job." "Do you call that an insult?" "Not the job, but the salary. They offered me twelve dollars a week." "Well," said the friend, "twelve dollars a week is better than nothing." "Twelve a week-thunder!" exclaimed the old scribe. "I can borrow more than that right here in Detroit."-Detroit Free Press. One winter morning Henry Clay, finding himself in need of money, went to the Riggs Bank and asked for the loan of $250 on his personal note. He was told that while his credit was perfectly good, it was the inflexible rule of the bank to require an indorser. The great statesman hunted up Daniel Webster and asked him to indorse the note. "With pleasure," said Webster. "But I need some money myself. Why not make your note for five hundred, and you and I will split it?" This they did. And to-day the note is in the Riggs Bankunpaid. BOSSES The insurance agent climbed the steps and rang the bell. "Whom do you wish to see?" asked the careworn person who came to the door. "I want to see the boss of the house," replied the insurance agent. "Are you the boss?" "No," meekly returned the man who came to the door; "I'm only the husband of the boss. Step in, I'll call the boss." The insurance agent took a seat in the hall, and in a short time a tall dignified woman appeared. "So you want to see the boss?" repeated the woman. "Well, just step into the kitchen. This way, please. Bridget, this gentleman desires to see you." "Me th' boss!" exclaimed Bridget, when the insurance agent asked her the question. "Indade Oi'm not! Sure here comes th' boss now." She pointed to a small boy of ten years who was coming toward the house. "Tell me," pleaded the insurance agent, when the lad came into the kitchen, "are you the boss of the house?" "Want to see the boss?" asked the boy. "Well, you just come with me." Wearily the insurance agent climbed up the stairs. He was ushered into a room on the second floor and guided to the crib of a sleeping baby. "There!" exclaimed the boy, "that's the real boss of this house." BOSTON A tourist from the east, visiting an old prospector in his lonely cabin in the hills, commented: "And yet you seem so cheerful and happy." "Yes," replied the one of the pick and shovel. "I spent a week in Boston once, and no matter what happens to me now, it seems good luck in comparison." A little Boston girl with exquisitely long golden curls and quite an angelic appearance in general, came in from an afternoon walk with her nurse and said to her mother, "Oh, Mam |