Mirabell can't abide her. [Calls] John- re- Foi. Witwould and Mr. Petulant are come move my lady's toilet. Madam, your servant, to dine with your ladyship. My lady is so impatient, I fear she'll come for me, if I stay. Lady W. O dear, I can't appear till I am dress'd. Dear Marwood, shall I be free with you again, and beg you to entertain 'em? I'll [Exeunt. make all imaginable haste. Dear friend, excuse me. [Exeunt Lady Wishfort and Foible. Mrs. F. I'll go with you up the back stairs, lest I should meet her. Enter MRS. MARWOOD. Mrs. Mar. Indeed, Mrs. Engine, is it thus with you? Are you become a go-between of Enter MRS. MILLAMANT and MINCING. Mrs. Mill. Sure never any thing was so this importance? Yes, I shall watch you. unbred as that odious man. Marwood, your Mrs. Mar. You have a colour: what's the Why this wench is the passe-partout, a very servant. Mrs. Mill. That horrid fellow, Petulant, has but it seems 'tis over with you. Your loathing provoked me into a flame. I have broke my is not from a want of appetite then, but from fan. Mincing, lend me yours. Is not all the a surfeit: else you could never be so cool to powder out of my hair? fall from a principal to be an assistant; to Mrs. Mar. No. What has he done? procure for him! a pattern of generosity, that Mrs. Mill. Nay, he has done nothing; he I confess. Well, Mr. Fainall, you have met has only talk'd-nay, he has said nothing with your match. O man, man! Woman, neither; but he has contradicted every thing woman! The devil's an ass: if I were a paint- that has been said. For my part, I thought er, I would draw him like an idiot, a dri- Witwould and he would have quarrell'd. veller with a bib and bells. Man should have Min. I vow, mem, I thought once they his head and horns, and woman the rest of would have fit 1). him. Poor simple fiend! madam Marwood Mrs. Mill, Well, 'tis a lamentable thing, I has a penchant, but he can't abide her 'Twere swear, that one has not the liberty of choosbetter for him you had not been his confes-ing one's acquaintance as sor in that affair, without you could have clothes. one does one's kept his counsel closer. I shall not prove Mrs. Mar. If we had that liberty, we should another pattern of generosity-he has not ob- be as weary of one set of acquaintance, though liged me to that with those excesses of him- never so good, as we are of one suit, though self; and now I'll have none of him. Here never so fine. A fool and a doily stuff would comes the good lady, panting ripe; with a now and then find days of grace, and be heart full of hope, and a head full of care, worn for variety. like any chemist upon the day of projection. Enter LADY WISHFORT. Lady W. O dear Marwood, what shall I say for this rude forgetfulness? But my dear friend is all goodness. Mrs. Mar. No apologies, dear madam. have been very well entertained. ment. I Mrs. Mill. Į could consent to wear 'em, if they would wear alike; but fools never wear out. They are such drap-de-berry things! without one could give 'em to one's chambermaid after a day or two. Mrs. Mar. 'Twere better so indeed, Or what think you of the play-house? A fine gay glossy fool should be given there, like a Lady W. As I'm a person, I am in a very new masking-habit after the masquerade is chaos to think I should so forget myself; but over, and we have done with the disguise. I have such an olio of affairs, really I know For a fool's visit is always a disguise; and not what to do. [Calls] Foible!-I expect my never admitted by a woman of wit, but to nephew, sir Wilful, every momen too. blind her affair with a lover of sense. If you Why, Foible!-He means to travel for improve-would but appear barefaced now, and own Mirabell, you might as easily put off Petulant Mrs. Mar. Methinks sir Wilful should rather and Witwould, as your hood and scarf. And think of marrying than travelling at his years. indeed 'tis time, for the town has found it: I hear he is turned of forty. the secret is grown too big for the pretence: Lady W. O he's in less danger of being 'tis like Mrs. Primly's great belly; she may spoiled by his travels. I am against my ne- lace it down before, but it burnishes on her phew's marrying too young. It will be time hips. Indeed, Millamant, you can enough when be comes back, and has acquired conceal it than my lady Strammel can her discretion to choose for himself. face, that goodly face, which, in defiance of Mrs. Mar. Methinks Mrs. Millamant and he her Rhenish-wine tea, will not be comprehendwould make a very fit match. He may travel ed in a mask. afterwards. 'Tis a thing very usual with young Mrs. Mill. I'll take my death, Marwood, you gentlemen. are more censorious than a decay'd beauty, no more Lady W. I promise you I have thought or a discarded toast. Mincing, tell the men on't; and, since 'tis your judgment, I'll think they may come up. My aunt is not dresson't again. I assure you I will; I value your ing here; their folly is less provoking than judgment extremely. On my word, I'll pro- your malice. [Exit Mincing] The town has pose it. Enter FOIBLE. Come, come, Foihle. I had forgot my nephew will be here before dinner. I must make haste. found it! what has it found? That Mirabell loves me is no more a secret, than it is a secret, that you discover'd it to my aunt, or than the reason why you discovered it is a secret. 1 Fought. Fit is the vulgar participle of fight. Mrs. Mar. You are nettled. Mrs. Mill. You're mistaken. Ridiculous! Mrs. Mar. Indeed, my dear, you'll tear another fan if you don't mitigate those violent airs. Mrs. Mill. Oh, silly! Ha, ha, ha! I could laugh immoderately. Poor Mirabell! His constancy to me has quite destroyed his complaisance for all the world beside. I swear I never enjoined it him, to be so coy: if I had the vanity to think he would obey me, I would command him to show more gallantry. 'Tis hardly well-bred to be so particular on one hand, and so insensible on the other. But I despair to prevail, and so let him follow his own way. Ha, ha, ha! Pardon me, dear creature, I must laugh, ha, ha, ha! though I grant you 'tis a little barbarous, ha, ha, ha! Mrs. Mar. What pity 'tis, so much fine raillery, and deliver'd with so significant gesture, should be so unhappily directed to miscarry! Mrs. Mill. Dear creature, I ask your pardon. I swear I did not mind you. Wit. Ay, upon proof positive it must; but upon proof presumptive it only may. That's a logical distinction now, madam. Mrs. Mar. I perceive your debates are of importance, and very learnedly handled. Pet. Importance is one thing, and learning's another; but a debate's a debate, that I assert. Wit. Petulant's an enemy to learning; he relies altogether on his parts. Pet. No, I'm no enemy to learning; it hurts not me. Mrs. Mar. That's a sign indeed 'tis no enemy to you. Pet. No, no, 'tis no enemy to any body, but them that have it. Mrs. Mill. Well, an illiterate man's my aversion. I wonder at the impudence of an illiterate man, to offer to make love. Wit. That I confess I wonder at too. Mrs. Mill. Ah! to marry an ignorant! that can hardly read or write. Pet. Why should a man be any further from being married though he can't read, than Mrs. Mar. Mr. Mirabell and you both may he is from being hang'd. The ordinary's paid think a thing impossible, when I shall tell for setting the psalm, and the parish priest him by telling youfor reading the ceremony, And for the rest which is to follow, in both cases, a man may do it without book; so all's one for that. Mrs. Mill. D'ye hear the creature? Lord, here's company, I'll be gone. Mrs. Mill. O dear, what? for 'tis the thing, if I hear it. Ha, ha, ha! Mrs. Mar. That I detest him, hate madam. Mrs. Mill. O madam! why, so do I. yet the creature loves me; ha, ha, ha! can same him, And How [Exeunt Mrs. Millamant and Mincing. one forbear laughing to think of it Enter SIR WILFUL WITWOULD in a Riding -I am a Sybil if I am not amazed to think what he can see in me. I'll take my death, dress, and Footman. Wit. In the name of Bartholomew and his I think you are handsomer, and within a year fair, what have we here? Mrs. Mar. 'Tis your brother, I fancy. Don't you know him? Mrs. Mar. Your merry note may be changed sooner than you think. Mrs. Mill. D'ye say so? Then I'm resolved I'll have a song to keep up my spirits. Enter MINCING. Wit. Not I. Yes, I think it is he. I've almost forgot him; I have not seen him since the Revolution. Foot. Sir, my lady's dressing. Here's company; if you please to walk in, in the mean time. Sir W. Dressing! What, 'tis but morning here I warrant with you in London; we Min. The gentlemen stay but to comb, ma- should count it towards afternoon in our parts, dam; and will wait on you. Enter PETULANT and WITWOULD. Mrs. Mill. Is your animosity composed, gentlemen? down in Shropshire. Why then belike my aunt han't dined yet. Ha, friend? Foot. Your aunt, sir? Sir W. My aunt, sir? yes, my aunt, sir, and your lady, sir; your lady is my aunt, sir. Wit. Raillery, raillery, madam; we have no Why, what, dost thou not know me, friend? animosity; we hit off a little wit now and Why then send somebody hither that does. then, but no animosity. The falling-out of How long hast thou lived with thy lady, wits, is like the falling-out of lovers. We agree fellow, ha? humour to contradict in the main, like treble and bass. Ha, Petulant! Foot. A week, sir; longer than any in the Pet. Ay, in the main. But when I have a house, except my lady's woman. Sir W. Why then belike thou dost not Wit. Ay, when he has a humour to con- know thy lady, if thou seest her; ha, friend! tradict, then I contradict too. What, I know Foot. Why truly, sir, I cannot safely swear my cue. Then we contradict one another to her face in a morning, before she is dress'd. like two battledores; for contradictions beget "Tis like I may give a shrewd guess at her one another like Jews. by this time. Pet. If he says black's black - If I have a Sir W. Well, pr'ythee, try what thou can'st humour to say 'tis blue-Let that pass; all's do; if thou canst not guess, inquire her out; one for that. If I have a humour to prove dost hear, fellow? and tell her, her nephew, it, it must be granted. sir Wilful Witwould, is in the house. Foot. I shall, sir. Wit. Not positively must-But it may-it may. Sin W. Hold ye, hear me, friend; a word Pet. Yes, it positively must, upon proof with you in your ear: pr'ythee, who are positive. these gallants? Foot. Really, sir, I can't tell; here come so and hoping you are in good health, and so many here, 'tis hard to know 'em all. [Exit. forth-To begin with a Rat me, knight, I'm Sir W. Oons, this fellow knows less than so sick of a last night's debauch-Ods heart, a starling; I don't think a'knows his own name, and then tell a familiar tale of a cock and a Mrs. Mar. Mr. Witwould, your brother is bull, and a wench and a bottle, and so connot behind-hand in forgetfulness. I fancy he clude. You could write news before you has forgot you too. were out of your time, when you lived with Wit. I hope so. The deuce take him that honest Pimplenose, the attorney of Furniremembers first, I say. val's Inn, you could entreat to be remembered then to your friends round the Wrekin. Sir W. Save you, gentlemen and lady. Pet. It seems as if you had come a journey, Wil. Smoke the boots, the boots; Petulant, the boots. Ha, ha, ha! Pet. 'Slife, Witwould, were you ever an attorney's clerk, of the family of the Furni vals? Ha, ha, ha! Wit. Ay, ay, but that was but for awhile. Not long, not long; pshaw, I was not in my own power then. An orphan, and this fellow was my guardian; ay, ay, I was glad to consent to that, man, to come to London. He had the disposal of me then. If I had not agreed to that, I might have been bound 'prentice to a feltmaker in Shrewsbury; this fellow Pet. Sir, I presume upon the information would have bound me to a maker of felts. of your boots. Sir W. 'Sheart, and better than be bound Sir W. Why, 'tis like you may, sir: if you to a maker of fops; where, I suppose, you are not satisfied with the information of my have served your time; and now you may set boots, sir, if you will step to the stable, you up for yourself. may inquire further of my horse, sir. Mrs. Mar. You intend to travel, sir, as I'm informed. Sir W. Belike I may, madam. I may chance sail upon the salt seas, if my mind hold. Pet. And the wind serve. Pet. Your horse, sir! your horse is an ass, sir!, Sir W. Do you speak by way of offence, sir? Mrs. Mar. The gentleman's merry, that's all, to sir-'Slife, we shall have a quarrel betwixt an horse and ass, before they find one another Sir W. Serve or not serve, I shan't ask out. You must not take any thing amiss from licence of you, sir; nor the weather-cock your your friends, sir. You are among your friends, companion. I direct my discourse to the here, though it may be you don't know it. lady, sir. 'Tis like my aunt may have told If I am not mistaken, you are sir Wilful you, madam; yes, I have settled my concerns, Witwould. I may say now, and am minded to see man, sir? Sir W. Right, lady; I am sir Wilful Wit-foreign parts. would, so I write myself; no offence to any Mrs. Mar. I thought you had designed for body, I hope; and nephew to the lady Wish-France at all adventures. fort of this mansion. Sir W. I can't tell that; 'tis like I may, and Mrs. Mar. Don't you know this gentle- 'tis like I may not. I am somewhat dainty in making a resolution, because when I make Sir W. Hum! What, sure 'tis not yea, it I keep it. I don't stand shill I, shall I, then; by'r lady but 'tis.-'Sheart, I know not whether if I say't, I'll do't: but I have thoughts to 'tis or no.-Yea but 'tis, by the wrekin. Brother tarry a small matter in town, to learn someAnthony! what, Tony, i'faith! what, dost thou what of your lingo first, before 1 cross the not know me? By'r lady, nor I thee, thou seas. I'd gladly have a spice of your French, art so belaced, and so beperiwigg'd. 'Sheart as they say, whereby to hold discourse in why dost not speak? art thou o'erjoyed? foreign countries. Wit. Odso, brother, is it you? your servant, brother. Sir W. Your servant! why yours, sir. Wit. No offence, I hope, brother. Sir W. 'Sheart, sir, but there is, and much offence. A plague! is this your inns-o'court breeding, not to know your friends and your relations, your elders, and your betters? Wit. Why, brother Wilful of Salop, you may be as short as a Shrewsbury cake, if you please. But I tell you 'tis not modish to know relations in town. 'Tis not the fashion here; 'tis not indeed, dear brother. Mrs. Mar. Here's an academy in town for that, and dancing, and curious accomplishments, calculated purely for the use of grown gentlemen. Sir W. Is there? 'tis like there may. Mrs. Mar. No doubt you will return very much improved. Wit. Yes, refined like a Dutch skipper from a whale-fishing. Sir W. The fashion's a fool; and you're a fop, dear brother. 'Sheart, I've suspected this; by'r lady, I conjectured you were a fop, since you began to change the style of your letters, Mr. and write in a scrap of paper, gilt round the edges, no bigger than a subpoena. 1) I might expect this when you left off honoured brother; 1) A writ commanding a person to appear in court under a certain penalty (subpoena). Enter LADY WISHFORT and FAINALL. Lady W. Nephew, you are welcome. Sir W. Aunt, your servant. Fain. Sir Wilful, your most faithful servant. Sir W. Cousin Fainall, give me your hand. Lady W. Cousin Witwould, your servant; Petulant, your servant. Nephew, you are welcome again. Will you drink any thing after your journey, nephew, before you eat? dinner's almost ready. Sir W. I'm very well, I thank you, aunt; however, I thank you for your courteous offer. 'Sheart, I was afraid you would have been in Fain. This has an appearance. fear of offence. Lady W. O, he's a railer, nephew; my him; I'll disable him for that; he will drink cousin's a wit: and your great wits always like a Dane: after dinner, I'll set his hand in. rally their best friends to choose. When you Mrs. Mar. Well, how do you stand affected have been abroad, nephew, you'll understand towards your lady? raillery better. Fain. Why, faith, I'm thinking of it. Let [Fainall and Mrs. Marwood talk apart. me see-I am married already; so that's over Sir W. Why then let him hold his tongue-my wife has play'd the jade with me-well, in the mean time, and rail when that day comes. that's over too-I never loved her, or if I had, Enter MINCING. why that would have heen over too by this Min. Mem, I am come to acquaint your of her, I am and shall be-no, there's no end la'ship that dinner is impatient. of that; no, no, that were too much to hope. Sir V. Impatient? why then belike it won't Thus far concerning my repose. Now for my stay till I pull off my boots. Sweetheart, can reputation as to my own, I married not for you help me to a pair of slippers? My man's it; so that's out of the question. And as to with his horses I warrant. my part in my wife's why she had parted Lady W. Fie, fie, nephew, you would not with hers before; so bringing none to me, off your boots here; go down into the she can take none from me: 'tis against all hall; dinner shall stay for you. [Exeunt rule of play, that I should lose to one, who Mincing and Sir Wilfull] My nephew's a has not wherewithal to stake. little unbred, you'll pardon him, madam. Mrs. Mar. Besides you forget, marriage is Gentlemen, will you walk? Marwood? honourable. Mrs. Mar. I'll follow you, madam, before Fain. Hum! faith, and that's well thought sir Wilful is ready. [Exeunt Lady Wishful, Petulant and Wilwould. Fain. Why then Foible's a procuress; an errant, rank, match-making procuress. And I it seems am a husband, a rank husband; and my wife a very errant, rank wife, all in the way of the world. 'Sdeath! to be out-witted, out-jilted, out-matrimony'd-and be out-stripp'd by my wife; 'tis scurvy wedlock. on, Marriage is honourable, as you say; and Mrs. Mar. I will contrive a letter which shall be deliver'd to my lady at the time when that rascal who is to act sir Rowland is with Mrs. Mar. Then shake it off: you have often her. It shall come as from an unknown hand wish'd for an opportunity to part; and now for the less I appear to know of the truth, you have it. But first prevent their plot-the the better I can play the incendiary. Besides, half of Millamant's fortune is too considerable I would not have Foible provoked if I could to be parted with, to a foe, to Mirabell. help it, because you know she knows some Fain. Ay, that had been nine, had you not passages-nay, I expect all will come outmade that fond discovery; that had been for- but let the mine be sprung first, and then I feited, had they been married. My wife had care not if I am discover'd. added lustre to my dishonour by that increase of fortune. I could have worn 'em tipt with gold, though my forehead had been furnish'd like a deputy-lieutenant's hall. Fain. If the worst come to the worst, I'll turn my wife to grass: I have already a deed of settlement of the best part of her estate, which I wheedled out of her; and that you Mrs. Mar. They may prove a cap of main- shall partake at least. tenance to you still, if you can away with Mrs. Mar. I hope you are convinced that your wife. And she's no worse than when I hate Mirabell now; you'll be no more you had her-I dare swear she had given up jealous. her game before she was married. Fain. Hum that may be. Fain. Jealous! no, by this kiss, let husbands be jealous; but let the lover still believe: or Mrs. Mar. You married her to keep you; if he doubt, let it be only to endear his pleasure, and if you can contrive to have her keep you and prepare the joy that follows, when he better than you expected, why should you proves his mistress true. But let husbands' not keep her longer than you intended? doubts convert to endless jealousy; or if they Fain. The means, the means. have belief, let it corrupt to superstition, and Mrs. Mar. Discover to my lady your wife's blind credulity. I am single, and will herd conduct; threaten to part with her. My lady no more with 'em. True, I wear the badge, loves her, and will come to any composition but I'll disown the order. And since I to save her reputation. Take the opportunity take my leave of 'em, I care not if I leave of breaking it, just upon the discovery of this 'em a common motto to their common imposture. My lady will be enraged beyond crest. bounds, and sacrifice niece and fortune, and all, at that conjuncture. And let me alone to keep her warm; if she should flag in her part, I will not fail to prompt her. All husbands must, or pain, or shame The wise too jealous are, fools too secure. Mrs. Mill. Ay, if you please, Foible, send him away, or send him hither, just as you will, dear Foible. I think I'll see him: shall I? ay, let the wretch come Enter LADY WISHFORT and FOIBLE. Lady W. Is sir Rowland coming, say'st Thyrsis a youth of the inspired train. thou, Foible? and are things in order? [Repeating. Foi. Yes, madam. I have put wax-lights-Dear Fainall, entertain sir Wilfull; thou in the sconces, and placed the footmen in a hast philosophy to undergo a fool; thou art row in the hall, in their best liveries, with married and hast patience; I would confer the coachman and postilion to fill up the with my own thoughts. Mrs. F. I am obliged to you, that you would Lady W. Have you pulvill'd the coachman make me your proxy in this affair; but I have and postilion, that they may not stink of the business of my own. stable, when sir Rowland comes by? equipage. Foi. Yes, madam. Lady W. And are the dancers and the music ready, that he may be entertain'd in all points with correspondence to his passion? Foi. All is ready, madam. Lady 17. And-well-and how do I look, Foible? Enter SIR WILFULL. Mrs. F. O sir Wilfull, you are come al the critical instant. There's your mistress up to the ears in love and coutemplation; pursue your point, now or never. Sir W. Yes, my aunt will have it so: I would gladly have been encouraged with a Foi. Most killing well, madam. bottle or two, because I'm somewhat wary at Lady W. Well, and how shall I receive first, before I am acquainted;-but I hope, him? in what figure shall I give his heart the after a time, I shall break my mind-that is, first impression? There is a great deal in the upon further acquaintance. [This while Milfirst impression. Shall I sit? No, I won't lamant walks about repealing to herself] sit-I'll walk-ay, I'll walk from the door So for the present, cousin, I'll take my leave. upon his entrance; and then turn full upon If so be you'll be so kind to make my excuse, him-no, that will be too sudden. I'll lie-ay, I'll return to my company. I'll lie down-I'll receive him in my little Mrs. F. O fie, sir VVilfull! what, you must dressing-room. There's a couch-yes, yes, I'll not be daunted. give the first impression on a couch-I won't Sir W. Daunted, no, that's not it, it is not fie neither, but loll and lean upon one elbow, so much for that; for if so be that 1 set on't, with one foot a little dangling off, jogging in I'll do't. But only for the present, 'tis suffia thoughtful way; yes, and then as soon as cient till further acquaintance, that's all-your he appears, start, ay, start and be surprised, servant. and rise to meet him in a pretty disorder- Mrs. F. Nay, I'll swear you shall never lose yes-O, nothing is more alluring than a levee so favourable an opportunity, if I can help it. from a couch in some confusion-It shows the I'll leave you together, and lock the door. foot to advantage, and furnishes with blushes, and re-composing airs beyond comparison. Hark! there's a coach. Foi. "Tis he, madam. Lady W. O dear, has my nephew made his addresses to Millamaut? I order'd him. Foi. Sir Wilfull is set in to drinking, madam, in the parlour. Lady W. Odds my life, I'll send him to her. Call her down, Foible; bring her hither. I'll send him as I go-when they are together, then come to me, Foible, that I may not be too long alone with sir Rowland. [Exit. [Exeunt Mrs. Fainall and Foible. Sir W. Nay, nay, cousin, I have forgot my gloves. What d'ye do? 'Sheart, a'has lock'd the door indeed, I think; nay, cousin Fainall, open the door; pshaw, what a vixen trick is this!-Nay, now a'has seen me too-Cousin, I made bold to pass through as it were-l think this door's enchanted. Mrs. Mill. [Repeating] I pr'ythee spare me, gentle boy, Press me no more for that slight toy. Sir W. Anan? cousin, your servant. Mrs. Mill. That foolish trifle of a heartSir Wilfull! Sir W. Yes-your servant. No offence I cousin? Mrs. Mill. [Repeating] Enter MRS. MILLAMANT and MRS. FAINALL. Mrs. Mill. No-what would the dear man have? I am thoughtful, aud would amuse myself. Bid him come another time. There never yet was woman made, I swear it will not do its part, Sir W. Anan? Suckling? No such suckling neither, cousin, nor stripling: I thank heaven, I'm no minor. Mrs. Mill. Ah rustic, ruder than Gothic. Sir W. Well, well, I shall understand your lingo one of these days, cousin; in the mean while, I must answer in plain English. Mrs. Mill. Have you any business with me, sir Wilfull? Mrs. F. You are very fond of sir John Suckling to-day, Millamant, and the poets. Mrs. Mill. He? ay, and filthy verses, so I am. Sir W. Not at present, cousin. Yes, I made Foi. Sir Wilfull is coming, madam. Shall bold to see, to come and know if that how I send Mr. Mirabell away? you were disposed to fetch a walk this evening; |