unable by nature to cultivate the growth of this contraband commodity. Miss Rosymouth was called to the chair, and Master Minikin was appointed secretary.

The proceedings were opened by Dr. Whiteface, of Fever-and-ague alley. He rose with much dignity, and seemed by his very appearance, to command the confidence and respect of his fellow citizens. He had a long, pale, thin, hatchet countenance. His hair was combed meekly down to his eyes, which glared indiscriminately upon the expectant multitude, through a pair of spectacles resembling full moons. His nose stuck out in bold relief from his face, like a triangle, garnished toward the tip with a lively tinge, evidently inclining to scarlet, and "even handed justice" had compensated him for a total deficiency of forehead with a mouth of about twice the ordinary width. His head was set rather loosely upon a neck less distinguished for grace than length, which formed a connecting link with a body as gaunt as that of Don Quixotte.

Cæsar has said, "let me have men about me that are fat." Now, if the last named gentleman had been president of the United States, no matter what station the doctor might have occupied, there can be little doubt, in all reflecting minds, that he would have been "turned out." He held in his long fingers a sheet of paper, apparently the draft of some highly patriotic resolutions. The meeting was all attention. Not a whisper was to be heard-not a whisker to be seen. There was, to be sure, some slight signs of dissatisfaction upon the appearance of an old lady's head, above the level of the crowd, upon whose upper lip there was something resembling-but, as the disturbance was immediately quelled by the lovers of order and decorum, it is unnecessary to pursue this part of the subject further.

Doctor Whiteface premised, with a gentle flourish of his left hand, and laying his right reverently upon his heart,

"Friends and fellow citizens. From my earliest boyhood I have been opposed to whiskers. Long ago I have perceived the fatal consequences to which they would lead. It is a painful, but the importance of the present crisis renders it a peremptory duty, for me to recapitulate a few of the unhappy effects with which this

formerly flourishing nation has been visited." (Cries of hear him, hear him-he bowed slightly, cast down his eyes, and continued.) "They have given rise to the most perplexing mistakes. After a short absence, friend meets friend without recognition. The social ties are in this way rent asunder, and sheriff's officers are unable to identify those whom they are authorized to arrest. Fashion, my fellow citizens, is a changeable and delusive goddess. She lives upon the errors of human beings. She turns their caprices into ridicule, and takes advantage of their confidence in her decrees to place them not only in the most absurd, but in the most dangerous positions. When you once facilitate her progress, you cannot afterward arrest it, and it is impossible to conceive where her encroachments will stop. Many have already commenced to let hair grow all over their faces, and to cut it off their foreheads. Are you not startled at the fear, lest in a few years, we may so far swerve as to shave all our heads bare, and have our faces completely hidden by those intrusive and wide spreading evils? Again, they have a very injurious influence upon our commerce." (Loud applause, and cries of hear him.) "Mr. Damascus, the barber, a few years ago, actually received an annual income exceeding that of the chancellor of this state." (General applause.) "Now none so poor to do him reverence. He has lost all his custom. There has been a melancholy fall in razor strops, razors, patent paste, face powder, &c., and several amiable and respectable soap boilers have been ruined. These facts, my friends, are not the mere effusions of a heated imagination. They are truths; plain, practical, and alarming truths, to which I beg your most earnest consideration. Yet these are but a small part of my arguments for the exclusion of whiskers. There has been discovered- 99

The eloquent speaker here went on to give a succinct but lucid and affecting account of the "Whiskerandos and Mustachio Confederation." At the termination of which, Mr. Hungry, the broker, was visibly overcome, and young Mrs. B. fainted.

At this period, very unexpectedly to all, Captain Slashum made his appearance. He was a little man, but much celebrated in the military history of the town

during the last six years. He had enlisted in Captain L.'s company as a private, where his amiable deportment and unquestionable valor soon elevated him to the rank of corporal. The arduous and honorable duty of serving the members with notices having been executed with great credit to himself, and satisfaction to his friends, he rose, by the mere force of his own courage, to the captaincy, in which he has since served through rain and sunshine, in a manner which entitles him to the everlasting gratitude of his country. Of course he belongs to the Whiskerandonians, and wore a pair of full growns, entirely above comparison. The most indifferent observer must have perceived that they set all criticism at defiance. Indeed there could be no doubt on the subject. In addition to this he sported a very interesting vest of martial red—a collar of superior cut, and a cravat tied like the gordian knot. He stretched forth his hand, and, as the chairman called the meeting to order, for his whiskers created a considerable sensation, he commenced as follows:

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"I appear here, my friends, as the representative of a large concourse of my fellow citizens. I am shocked at the calumnies which have been this day circulated. They arise from the sophistry of interested individuals. Of individuals opposed to pleasure, to beauty, and to nature. Yes, whiskers, my friends, I fearlessly pronounce to have been the intention of nature. Else why have we been created with them? They have been worn by the most distinguished of men, in all ages. Greeks, Romans, Spaniards, Englishmen, counts, magistrates, emperors, consuls, warriors, poets, have been proud to decorate their countenances according to the plan of nature. No, my countrymen, it is not the mere question of whiskers which is here involved. This is only the first link in the great chain with which our opponents are endeavoring to fetter the rights and tastes of this nation. If they succeed in this unwarranted attempt to interfere with our privileges, they will carry on the war with increased vigor: they will prescribe the manner in which we shall cut our hair; they will turn us into crop ears; they will measure the fashion of our garments; and the phraseology of our conversation. I tremble to think of the effects. I have it, upon excel

lent authority, that the petition about to be presented to congress has been signed by women and boys. Women, who certainly cannot be proper judges of the matter, and boys, who are thus prematurely enlisted in a cause, the merits of which they are not yet competent to determine. As for me, I hold the fact to be self-evident, ‘that all men are born free and equal,' and for further proof I shall take the liberty of reading the Declaration of Independence."

He read this excellent document with great effect, and several opinions were interchanged, particularly among the female portion of his auditory, that his whiskers, after all, were 66 not so bad."

There was something like applause as he sat down, and it would be difficult to decide as to the ultimate opinions of the meeting, had not professor Empty head, of the Greece-street Institute, made a short address, and counteracted the impression.

Professor Emptyhead was a short, thickset man, who had no distinguishing trait in his physiognomy, except a deep blue tinge which covered both sides of his cheeks, and the whole lower part of his face and throat.

"My friends," said the professor, "it is easy to be seen that Captain Slashum is a Whiskerandonian; but I hope you will not be influenced by his shallow arguments. He speaks of nature; but I will prove to you in two minutes that he is in error. The great and learned Confucius, the Chinese philosopher, has asserted, in the thirty-ninth volume of his treatise on things in general, page two thousand six hundred and four, line seventh from the top, that nature is sometimes to be curbed. Nature has given us passions, appetites, &c. ; but these are useful only under the restraint of reason; and the same nature which gave us whiskers, gave us taste to control them. The same nature which commands us to curb our passions, to shelter ourselves from the tempest, to fly from heat and cold, also commands us to cut our nails, comb our heads, wash our faces, and cut off our whiskers. Allow me to relate to you a little anecdote. Mr. Peter Simpkins was formerly a very virtuous young man. He lent a thousand dollars to Captain Thompson, of the ship Virginia, bound for Canton, who also was a gentleman of mild disposition, and not

at all addicted to whiskers. The captain left him with the promise that immediately upon his return the account should be settled. Nearly two years passed away. Simpkins became involved, grew desperate, joined the confederation, and appeared with a pair of the articles in question, of the most palpable and audacious description; and, by one of those caprices which fortune loves to play, Captain Thompson also, whether from want of razors, soap, time, care, or absence from civilized society, had also suffered himself to be overgrown in such a piratical style, that human eyes never witnessed any thing more huge and monstrous. Simpkins was prosecuted upon a note for eight hundred dollars, and at this very period, Captain Thompson returned, heard of the distress of his friend, and although on the point of leaving the city upon another long voyage, for sailors are the most generous of human beings, flew to his relief. Simpkins sat in his counting room, and Thompson entered, 'Is Mr. Simpkins in?' 'Yes, sir my name is Simpkins.' Mr. Peter Simpkins, sir? My name is Peter Simpkins, sir.' You are not the gentleman I wish to see,' said the captain, very respectfully; is there not another Peter Simpkins in the city?' 'Not that I am aware of,' said Simpkins. There must be some mistake,' said the captain: 'good morning, sir.' 'Good morning;' and thus, my friends, neither recognizing the other, they parted: the captain sailed on a voyage round Cape Horn, and has not been heard of since."

This address was received with general applause, and Dr. Whiteface arose for the purpose of reading his resolutions, and having obtained permission of the chair, proceeded as follows.

"Resolved-That we deem whiskers barbarous, impudent, and dangerous to the liberties of the country. "Resolved-That we will hereafter support no man for congress, senate, or assembly of this state, governor, alderman, or assistant alderman, who will not pledge himself never to wear them, nor to allow them to be worn by any member of his family.

"Resolved-That we will not support any paper, the editor of which wears whiskers.

"Resolved-That professors of colleges, teachers of VOL. II.-10