was his principal crime, tied to the post and mangled with the cord which the lusty beadle plied with nervous arm. Oh! how his worship and me did laugh to see the villain, whose poverty was obstinate, leaping as his lameness would let him, and writhing his bloody back as the whip was lustily played about him by the sturdy beadle; who for his part would rob and steal and do any thing rather than be whipped by a trusty brother of the trade; yea, would act ten thousand villanies rather than die of hunger. This fellow must be a most incorrigible rogue to be sure, if he is not willing by this time either to steal and be hanged, or patiently to die of an empty belly. IMP. What, Crudelis, have they made a law to whip all the beggars that infest your country? CRUD. No, no, Impiator. I heartily wish there were such a law, for then I would even quit my devilship to become king of the beadles. If all beggars were to be punished at the whippingpost, (as I know no reason why they should not) perhaps his worship himself, and his reverence the parson of the parish, would not escape a thorough drubbing. And yet, Crudelis as my name is, I think the whip-beggar-law is very partial and unjust, as it lays hold on none but poor petty beggars, who would be content with bread, shins of beef, and table beer; whilst others may with impunity beg, and obtain some thousands a-year of the nation's money. What are all the ranks of mankind but so many beggars? Does not his reverence, the inferior clergymen, beg a living from my lord bishop, or some neighbouring nobleman; and do not their lordships beg of the king? Do not the very members of parliament come hat in hand, and meanly beg of the corporation, having no consciousness of worth in themselves? Do not the pliant courtiers sue to the favourite for places of trust for the sake of the profit; beggars all, besides the stern patriot, a pelican which does not appear once in a century. But if their lordships, the noble beggars, and their honours the gentlemen beggars, are to be considered as authors of the whipping law, I should have wondered indeed if care had not been taken to exempt themselves from its penalty. The case stands exactly thus. If a gentleman, extravagant beyond his revenue, begs for a thousand or two per annum, he shall not only escape with impunity, but obtain his suit; provided always he will be the humble pliant creature of the minister; but if a poor helpless, low-born wretch, pinched with hunger, happen to beg a piece of bread in an interdicted place, he shall be exercised at the whipping-post. INVID. I think, sir, you agreed to give us some account of your artairs. We should hold ourselves much honoured by the favour. But for this, I would beg the history of my son Crudelis, who makes himself so merry at the expence of foolish vicious mortals. FAST. His history might be entertaining enough, I suppose; but doubtless mine must be much more elegant and instructive as my concerns have been mostly with venerable gentlemen, and with none more than those of the sacerdotal function. Notwithstanding I prevailed with the Jews, almost unanimously to contemn the person and testimony of Jesus of Nazareth, the Christian religion gained ground in the world. Yea, the word of God grew mightily and prevailed over the traditions of both Pagan and Jewish sages; therefore, from thenceforward I found it necessary to deal deep in the things of religion. I began my trade with ecclesiastical titles, which were altogether unknown in the days of Christ and his apostles; a set of goods very venerable with the populace, and wholly of my manufacture. An assortment of trifles, which greatly pleased the lords of religion and forwarded the deep designs of priestcraft. IMP. With your leave, sir, I have heard that all the lord bishops are descended in a direct line from the apostles; must it not then follow, that the convocation at Jerusalem consisted of the most reverend fathers in God, their graces, my lord Peter, my lord Paul, &c. &c. metropolitans; and the right reverend fathers in God, my lord Stephen, my lord Philip, my lord Timothy, my lord Barnabas, &c. diocesans. INFID. Son, you ought not to interrupt your honourable uncle. You may remember that these titles are all of later date. FAST. My nephew shall hear, if he will but have a little patience. The famous lady Prosperity and you, brother, had not been a very great while at Rome, before I found sufficient encouragement to erect my office for vending sacerdotal titles there; and I must own that for many years I had a brisk run of trade, till in fact the church had room for no more, from the great infallible priest at Rome down to a Cumberland curate. The first production of this kind was a very brilliant medal inscribed with these five capital letters, P, A, T, E, R, which having finished, I presented at a general convocation of bishops, who as yet were not become reverend. They were highly pleased with the device, having never seen such a thing before. The worthies examined it one after another, and all found that the venerable letters well put together, and properly interpreted, signified Father. And certainly the event has proved that great is the magical power of this medal. Every one said to his fellow, "What can be more agreeable to our function than this venerable title? Are not we the fathers of the people?" They forgot that one is the father of the people, even God. I was therefore desired, with all speed to procure a likę medal for every member of this august assembly. Soon after this I provided medals more highly finished, and inscribed, P, A, T, R, I, A, R, C, H, A, one of which I bestowed on the holy bishop of Rome; a second I gave to the bishop of Alexandria; a third to that of Constantinople; a fourth to that of Jerusalem, and a fifth to him who presided in the church of Antioch. In all which places my medals were more highly valued than the finest ruby; and he who could by any means obtain one of them, was supposed to be elevated far above the common rank of mortals. Long and very successfully had I followed this medallion trade, when a famous and worthy prelate of Rome, who was a great admirer of my productions, came into my office; after doing obeisance to me, and turning over my pretty devices, he asked me, "If I thought, with all my ingenuity, I could produce a genuine medal with this inscription, P, A, P, A, S, : S, U, P, R, E, M, U, S. OR, EPISCOPUS UNIVERSALIS." I told him that if all the artists in hell were to unite their wisdom in one mechanical head, it would be utterly impossible; for, said I, "the whole creation doth not furnish sufficient materials. But if it please your holiness, I can make you a sham medal of that sort, which may perhaps answer all the ends you have in view, as well as if it were real,”- "Oh!" said he, "I care not for my part whether it is real or counterfeit, if I can only by your assistance, my worthy Fastosus, impose upon the credulity of mankind; and make the world believe that I am supreme pope and universal bishop; then I should reign with despotic power over the estates and consciences of all Christians. My good friend, please you to make me the medal, and I will cause the world to believe that I had it from the Almighty, with letters patent under the broad seal of heaven, for the sole use of it to me and my successors for ever."---" I well know," returned I, “that your holiness means no more than in a pious manner to impose the cheat upon the world, the better to fill your coffers, and aggrandize your name; in which laudable undertaking your adored Fastosus shall be ever ready to direct and assist." To work I went, having called in the assistance of several of our friends, and made a counterfeit medal in the likeness of a treble crown, with certain inscriptions of the cabalistic kind apon it. They were short but pithy sentences, as you shall hear. On the one side of the first crown was inscribed, "He that is honoured as the wearer of this medal, is possessed of infallible knowledge."---Opposite to that was carved, in fine Italian," He is supreme over all laws divine and human."---On the right side of the second crown, were these words in large capitals, "This is the head of the church."---On the left were |