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SCENE 2.

Enter Stellio and Riscio.

Stel. Riscio, my daughter is passing amiable, but very simple.

Ris. You mean a fool, sir.
Stel. Faith, I imply so much.

Ris. Then I apply it fit: the one she takes of her father, the other of her mother; now you may be sure she is your own. Stel. I have penned her up in a chamber, having only a window to look out, that youths, seeing her fair cheeks, may be enamored before they hear her fond 11 speech. How likest thou this head? 12 Ris. There is very good workmanship in it, but the matter is but base; if the stuff had been as good as the mold, your daughter had been as wise as she is beautiful.

Stel. Dost thou think she took her foolishness of me?

Ris. Aye, and so cunningly that she took it not from you.

Stel. Well, Quod natura dedit, tollere nemo potest.13

Ris. A good evidence to prove the feesimple of your daughter's folly. Stel. Why?

Ris. It came by nature, and if none can take it away, it is perpetual. Stel. Nay, Riscio, she is no natural fool, but in this consisteth her simplicity, that she thinketh herself subtle; in this her rudeness, that she imagines she is courtly; in this the overshooting of herself, that she overweeneth of herself. Ris. Well, what follows? Stel. Riscio, this is my plot. Memphio hath a pretty stripling to his son, whom with cockering 15 he hath made wanton: his girdle must be warmed, the air must not breathe on him, he must lie abed till noon, and yet in his bed break his fast; that which I do to conceal the folly of my daughter, that doth he in too much cockering of his son. Now, Riscio, how shall I compass a match between my girl and his boy?

Ris. Why, with a pair of compasses; and bring them both into the circle, I'll warrant they'll match themselves.

Stel. Tush! plot it for me that never speaking to one another, they be in love one with another. I like not solemn

11 foolish.

12 Possibly Stellio shows Riscio a

wooing, it is for courtiers; let country folks believe others' reports as much as their own opinions.

Ris. O then, so it be a match you care not. Stel. Not I, nor for a match neither, were

it not I thirst after my neighbor's farm. Ris. (Aside.) A very good nature.Well, if by flat wit I bring this to pass, what's my reward?

Stel. Whatsoever thou wilt ask.
Ris. I'll ask no more than by my wit I
can get in the bargain.
Stel. Then about it.

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Pris. It is unneighborly done to suffer your son since he came from school to spend his time in love; and unwisely done to let him hover over my daughter, who hath nothing to her dowry but her needle, and must prove a sempster; nor he anything to take to but a grammar, and cannot at the best be but a schoolmaster.

Sper. Prisius, you bite and whine, wring me on the withers, and yet wince yourself; it is you that go about to match your girl with my boy, she being more fit for seams than for marriage, and he for a rod than a wife.

Pris. Her birth requires a better bridegroom than such a groom.

Sper. And his bringing up another-gate 17 marriage than such a minion.

Pris. Marry, gup! 18 I am sure he hath

no better bread than is made of wheat, nor worn finer cloth than is made of wool, nor learned better manners than are taught in schools.

Sper. Nor your minx had no better grandfather than a tailor, who (as I have heard) was poor and proud; nor a better father than yourself, unless your wife borrowed a better, to make her daughter a gentlewoman.

Pris. Twit not me with my ancestors, nor my wife's honesty; if thou dost— (Threatening him.)

portrait of his 13 "What nature has daughter. given, no one can take away."

14 title. 15 petting.

16 get the better of.

17 another kind of. 18 go up, hold on!

Sper. Hold thy hands still, thou hadst best; and yet it is impossible, now I remember, for thou hast the palsy. Pris. My hands shake so that wert thou in place where,19 I would teach thee to cog.20

Sper. Nay, if thou shake thy hands, I warrant thou canst not teach any to cog. But, neighbor, let not two old fools fall out for two young wantons. Pris. Indeed, it becometh men of our experience to reason, not rail; to debate the matter, not to combat it. Sper. Well, then, this I'll tell thee friendly. I have almost these two years cast in my head how I might match my princox 21 with Stellio's daughter, whom I have heard to be very fair, and know shall be very rich: she is his heir; he dotes, he is stooping old, and shortly must die. Yet by no means, either by blessing or cursing, can I win my son to be a wooer, which I know proceeds not of bashfulness but stubbornness, for he knows his good; though I say it, he hath wit at will; as for his personage, I care not who sees him; I can tell you he is able to make a lady's mouth water if she wink not.

Pris. Stay, Sperantus, this is like my case, for I have been tampering as long to have a marriage committed between my wench and Memphio's only son: they say he is as goodly a youth as one shall see in a summer's day, and as neat a stripling as ever went on neat's leather; his father will not let him be forth of his sight, he is so tender over him; he yet lies with his mother for 22 catching cold. Now my pretty elf, as proud as the day is long, she will none of him; she forsooth will choose her own husband: made marriages prove mad marriages; she will choose with her eye, and like with her heart, before she consent with her tongue; neither father nor mother, kith nor kin, shall be her carver in 23 a husband, she will fall to where she likes best; and thus the chick scarce out of her shell cackles as though she had been trodden with an hundred cocks, and mother of a thousand eggs.

Sper. Well then, this is our best, seeing we know each other's mind, to devise to govern our own children; for my boy, I'll keep him to his books, and study shall make him leave to love; I'll break

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Enter Candius and Livia.

Sper. (Aside.) This happens pat; take heed you cough not, Prisius.

Pris. (Aside.) Tush! spit not you; and I'll warrant, I, my beard is as good as a handkerchief.

Liv. Sweet Candius, if thy father should see us alone, would he not fret? The old man methinks should be full of fumes. Can. Tush! let him fret one heart-string against another, he shall never trouble the least vein of my little finger. The old churl thinks none wise unless he have a beard hang dangling to his waist. When my face is bedaubed with hair as his, then perchance my conceit may stumble on his staidness.

Pris. (Aside.) Aye? In what book read you that lesson?

Sper. (Aside.) I know not in what book

he read it, but I am sure he was a knave to learn it.

Can. I believe, fair Livia, if your sour

sire should see you with your sweetheart he would not be very patient.

Liv. The care is taken. I'll ask him blessing as a father, but never take counsel for an husband; there is as much odds between my golden thoughts and his leaden advice, as between his silver hairs and my amber locks. I know he will cough for anger that I yield not, but he shall cough me a fool for his labor.25 Sper. (Aside to Pris.) Where picked your daughter that work, out of broadstitch?

Pris. (Aside.) Out of a flirt's sampler. But let us stay the end; this is but the beginning; you shall hear two children well brought up!

Can. Parents in these days are grown peevish: they rock their children in their cradles till they sleep, and cross them about their bridals till their hearts ache. Marriage among them is become a mar

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ket. What will you give with your daughter? What jointure will you make for your son? And many a match is broken off for a penny more or less, as though they could not afford their children at such a price, when none should cheapen such ware but affection, and none buy it but love. Sper. (Aside.) Learnedly and scholar-like. Liv. Indeed our parents take great care to make us ask blessing and say grace when we are little ones, and growing to years of judgment, they deprive us of the greatest blessing and the most gracious things to our minds, the liberty of our minds; they give us pap with a spoon before we can speak, and when we speak for that we love, pap with a hatchet;26 because their fancies being grown musty with hoary age, therefore nothing can relish in their thoughts that savors of sweet youth; they study twenty years together to make us grow as straight as a wand, and in the end by bowing us, make us crooked as a cammock.27 For mine own part, sweet Candius, they shall pardon me, for I will measure my love by mine own judgment, not my father's purse or peevishness. Nature hath made me his child, not his slave; I hate Memphio and his son deadly, if I wist he would place his affection by his father's appointment. Pris. (Aside.) Wittily but uncivilly! Can. Be of that mind still, my fair Livia; let our fathers lay their purses together, we our hearts: I will never woo where I cannot love. Let Stellio enjoy his daughter. But what have you wrought here?

our

Liv. Flowers, fowls, beasts, fishes, trees, plants, stones, and what not. Among flowers, cowslips and lilies, for names Candius and Livia. Among fowls, turtles 28 and sparrows, for our truth and desires. Among beasts, the fox and the ermine, for beauty and policy. And among fishes, the cockle and the tortoise, because of Venus. Among trees, the vine wreathing about the elm, for our embracings. Among stones, Asbeston, which being hot, will never be cold,29 for our constancies. Among plants, thyme and heartsease, to note 26 A proverbial expression for the rough performance of necessary service. such as the feeding

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Can. A short art and a certain: three rules in three lines.

Liv. I pray thee, repeat them.

Can. Principio quod amare velis reperire labora,

Proximus huic labor est placidam exorare puellam,

Tertius ut longo tempore duret amor.3 31 Liv. I am no Latinist, Candius; you must construe it.

Can. So I will, and pace 32 it too; thou shalt be acquainted with case, gender and number. First, one must find out a mistress whom before all others he voweth to serve. Secondly, that he use all the means that he may to obtain her. And the last, with deserts, faith, and secrecy, to study to keep her.

Liv. What's the remedy?
Can. Death.

Liv. What of all the book is the conclusion?

Can. This one verse: Non caret effectu quod voluere duo.

Liv. What's that?

Can. Where two are agreed, it is impossible but they must speed.

Liv. Then cannot we miss; therefore give me thy hand, Candius.

Pris. (Advancing.) Soft, Livia, take me with you; 33 it is not good in law without witness. Sper. And as I remember, there must be two witnesses. God give you joy, Candius; I was worth the bidding to dinner, though not worthy to be of the counsel. Pris. I think this hot love hath provided but cold cheer.

Sper. Tush! in love is no lack. But blush not, Candius, you need not be ashamed of your cunning; you have made love a book-case, and spent your time well at school learning to love by art and hate

children; Lyly so 28 turtle doves,
entitled one of his
pamphlets, an at-
tack on a political
opponent.

taken as types of constancy, as spar. rows were of lasciviousness,

of 27 a crooked stick.

29 A bit of Lyly's

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52

against nature. But I perceive the worser child the better lover. Pris. And my minion hath wrought well, where every stitch in her sampler is a pricking stitch at my heart. You take your pleasure on parents: they are peevish, fools, churls, overgrown with ignorance, because overworn with age; little shalt thou know the case of a father before thyself be a mother, when thou shalt breed thy child with continual pains, and bringing it forth with deadly pangs, nurse it with thine own paps, and nourish it up with motherly tenderness; and then find them to curse thee with their hearts, when they should ask blessing on 34 of thine their knees, and the collop own bowels to be the torture of thine own soul; with tears trickling down thy cheeks, and drops of blood falling from thy heart, thou wilt in uttering of thy mind wish them rather unborn than unnatural, and to have had their cradles their graves rather than thy death their bridals. But I will not dispute what thou shouldst have done, but correct what thou hast done; I perceive sewing is an idle exercise, and that every day there come more thoughts into thine head than stitches into thy work; I'll see whether you can spin a better mind than you have stitched, and if I coop you not up, then let me be the capon.

35

Sper. As for you, sir boy, instead of
poring on a book, you shall hold the
plough; I'll make repentance reap what
But we are both
wantonness hath sown.
well served: the sons must be masters,3
the fathers gaffers; 35 what we get to-
gether with a rake, they cast abroad with
a fork, and we must weary our legs to
Well,
arms.36
purchase our children
seeing that booking is but idleness, I'll
see whether threshing be any occupation;
thy mind shall stoop to my fortune or
mine shall break the laws of nature.
How like a micher 37 he stands, as though
he had truanted from honesty! Get thee
in, and for the rest let me alone. In,
villain!

Sper. Let us follow, and deal as rigorously with yours as I will with mine, and you shall see that hot love will soon wax cold. I'll tame the proud boy, and send him as far from his love as he is from his duty.

was

Pris. Let us about it, and also go on with
matching them to our minds; it
happy that we prevented that by chance
which we could never yet suspect by cir-
Exeunt.
cumstance.

ACT II. SCENE 1.

Enter at opposite sides Dromio and
Riscio.

Dro. Now if I could meet with Riscio it
were a world of waggery.

Ris. Oh, that it were my chance, Obviam dare Dromio, to stumble upon Dromio, on whom I do nothing but dream. Dro. His knavery and my wit should make our masters, that are wise, fools; their children, that are fools, beggars; and us two, that are bond, free.

Ris. He to cozen and I to conjure would make such alterations that our masters should serve themselves; the idiots, their children, serve us; and we to wake our wits between them all.

Dro. Hem quam opportune: look if he drop not full in my dish!

Ris. Lupus in fabula! Dromio, embrace me! hug me! kiss my hand! I must make thee fortunate.

Dro. Riscio, honor me! kneel down to me! kiss my feet! I must make thee blessed. Ris. My master, old Stellio, hath a fool to his daughter.

Dro. Nay; my master, old Memphio, hath
a fool to his son.
Ris. I must convey
Dro.

39 a contract.

And I must convey a contract. Ris. Between her and Memphio's son, without speaking one to another. Dro. Between him and Stellio's daughter, without one speaking to the other.

Ris.

Dost thou mock me, Dromio?

Pris. And you, pretty minx, that must be
fed with love upon sops,38 I'll take an
order to cram you with sorrows.
you in, without look or reply.

Dro.

Thou dost me else.

Ris.

Get

Not I; for all this is true. Dro. And all this.

Ris.

Exeunt Candius and Livia.

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Then are we both driven to our wits' ends, for if either of them had been wise

sops. sweet cakes dipped in wine,

was a luxurious dish.

39 arrange secretly.

we might have tempered; if no marriage, Half. The fathers have put them up,1 yet a close 40 marriage.

Dro. Well, let us sharpen our accounts; there's no better grindstone for a young man's head than to have it whet upon an old man's purse. Oh, thou shalt see my knavery shave like a razor!

Ris. Thou for the edge, and I the point,
I will make the fool bestride our mistress'
backs, and then have at the bag with the
dudgeon haft,41 that is, at the dudgeon
dagger, by which hangs his tantony 42
pouch.

Dro. These old huddles have such strong
purses with locks, when they shut them
they go off like a snaphance.43
Ris. The old fashion is best: a purse with
a ring round about it, as a circle to curse
a knave's hand from it. But, Dromio,
two they say may keep counsel if one be
away; but to convey knavery, two are
too few and four too many.
Dro. And in good time, look where Half-
penny, Sperantus' boy, cometh; though
bound up in decimo sexto ** for carriage,
yet a wit in folio for cozenage.

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47

Half. I shall go for silver though, when
you shall be nailed up for slips.46
Dro. Thou art a slipstring, I'll warrant.
Half. I hope you shall never slip string,
but hang steady.

Ris. Dromio, look here; now is my hand
on my halfpenny.

Half. Thou liest; thou hast not a farthing
to lay thy hands on: I am none of thine.
But let me be wagging; my head is full
of hammers,48 and they have so malletted
my wit that I am almost a malcontent.
Dro. Why, what's the matter?
Half. My master hath a fine scholar to his

son, Prisius a fair lass to his daughter. Dro. Well!

Half. They two love one another deadly.
Ris. In good time!

40 secret.

41 A purse was carried hanging from the girdle, and sometimes a dag. ger was thrust through the straps.

49

utterly disliking the match, and have appointed the one shall have Memphio's son, the other Stellio's daughter; this works like wax, but how it will fadge in the end, the hen that sits next the cock cannot tell.

Ris. If thou have but any spice of knavery we'll make thee happy.

51

Half. Tush! doubt not of mine; I am as
full for my pitch 50 as you are for yours;
a wren's egg is as full of meat as a goose
egg, though there be not so much in it;
you shall find this head well stuffed,
though there went little stuff to it.
Dro. Laudo ingenium, I like thy sconce;
then hearken. Memphio made me of his
counsel about marriage of his son to
Stellio's daughter; Stellio made Riscio
acquainted to plot a match with Mem-
phio's son. To be short, they be both
fools.

Half. But they are not fools that be
short; if I thought thou meantest so,
Senties qui vir sim, thou shouldst have a
crow to pull.52

Ris. Be not angry, Halfpenny; for fellowship we will be all fools, and for gain all knaves. But why dost thou laugh? Half. At mine own conceit and quick cen

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42 short for St. An- 45 knaves.
thony: meaning 46 counterfeits.
obscure.
47 one who deserves
to be hanged.
48 I'm hammering
out a device.
49 confined them.

43 firelock musket.
44 Halfpenny was
evidently a very
small boy.

50 degree.
51 headpiece, i.e.
wit.

52 a bone to pick
with me.

53 Ovid Rem. Am.
92. The only ex-

cuse for a poor pun consists

in Halfpenny's pointing at his fellows as he pronounces long-as and mor-as.

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