presence shall not disturb your pleasure. You may divert yourselves together, and my daughter shall take care to provide you with whatever may amuse you. Come with me into another apartment. As for you, sir, (To Augustus,) do not offer to stir from this place. You may celebrate your birthday here, all alone. You shall never wear a sword again, until you deserve one. (Exeunt.)

IX. FROM THE RIVALS.-Sheridan.

SIR ANTHONY ABSOLUTE-CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE-FAG-
ERRAND BOY.

Scene 1.-Captain Absolute's Lodgings.

(Enter Fag and Sir Anthony.)

Fag. Sir Anthony Absolute, sir. (Exit.)

Capt. A. Sir Anthony, I am delighted to see you here, and looking so well! your sudden arrival at Bath made me apprehensive for your health.

Sir A. Very apprehensive, I dare say, Jack. What, you are recruiting here, hey?

Capt. A. Yes, sir. I am on duty,

Sir A. Well, Jack, I am glad to see you, though I did not expect it, for I was going to write to you on a little matter of business. Jack, I have been considering that I grow old and infirm, and shall probably not trouble you long.

Capt. A. Pardon me, sir, I never saw you look more strong and hearty, and I pray fervently that you may continue so.

Sir A. I hope your prayers may be heard, with all my heart. Well, then, Jack, I have been considering that I am so strong and hearty, I may continue to plague you a long time. Now, Jack, I am sensible that the income of your commission, and what I have hitherto allowed you, is but a small pittance for a lad of your spirit.

Capt. A. Sir, you are very good.

Sir A. And it is my wish, while yet I live, to have my boy make some figure in the world. have resolved, there

fore, to fix you at once in a noble independence. Capt. A. Sir, your kindness overpowers me. presume you would not wish me to quit the army? Sir A. Oh! that shall be as your wife chooses. Capt. A. My wife, sir?

Yet, sir, I

Sir A. Ay, ay, settle that between you-settle that between you.

Capt. A. A wife, sir, did you say?

Sir A. Ay, a wife: why, did not I mention that before? Capt. A. Not a word of her, sir.

Sir A. Odd so; I musn't forget her, though. Yes, Jack, the independence I was talking of, is by a marriage; the fortune is saddled with a wife; but I suppose that makes no difference? Capt. A. Sir, sir! you amaze me!

and

Capt. A. I was, sir; you talked to me of independence fortune, but not a word of a wife.

Odds life,

Sir A. Why, what difference does that make? sir! if you have the estate, you must take it with the live stock on it, as it stands.

Capt. A. Pray, sir, who is the lady?

Sir A. What's that to you, sir? Come, give me your promise to love and to marry her directly.

Capt. A. Sure, sir, that is not very reasonable, to summon my affections for a lady I know nothing of.

Sir A. I am sure, sir, 'tis more unreasonable in you to object to a lady you know nothing of. Capt. A. You must excuse me, sir, if I tell you, once for all, that in this point I can not obey you.

Sir A. Hark ye, Jack: I have heard you for some time with patience-I have been cool,-quite cool; but take care; vou know I am compliance itself, when I am not thwarted; no

one more easily led, when I have my own way; but don't put me in a frenzy.

Capt. A. Sir, I must repeat it; in this I cannot obey you. Sir A. Now, hang me, if ever I call you Jack again while I live.

Capt. A. Nay, sir, but hear me.

Sir A. Sir, I won't hear a word, not a word! not one word! So give me your promise by a nod, and I'll tell you what Jack-I mean dog-if you don't—

Capt. A. What, sir, promise to link myself to some mass of ugliness!

Sir A. Zounds! sirrah! the lady shall be as ugly as I choose she shall have a hump on each shoulder; she shall be as crooked as the crescent; her one eye shall roll like the bull's in Cox's museum; she shall have a skin like a mummy, and the beard of a Jew. She shall be all this, sirrah! yet I'll make you ogle her all day, and sit up all night to write sonnets on her beauty.

Capt. A. This is reason and moderation, indeed!

Sir A. None of your sneering, puppy! no grinning, jackanapes!

Capt. A. Indeed, sir, I was never in a worse humor for mirth, in my life.

Sir A. Tis false, sir; I know you are laughing in your sleeve; I know you'll grin when I am gone, sirrah! Capt. A. Sir, I hope I know my duty better.

Sir A. None of your passion, sir! none of your violence, if you please! it won't do with me, I promise you.

Capt. A. Indeed, sir, I was never cooler in my life.

Sir A. 'Tis a confounded lie! I know you are in a passion in your heart; I know you are, you hypocritical young dog; but it won't do.

Capt. A. Nay, sir, upon my word

Sir A. So you will fly out! can't you be cool, like me? What good can passion do? Passion is of no service, you impudent, iusolent, overbearing reprobate! There, you sneer again! don't provoke me! but you rely upon the mildness of my temper, you do, you dog; you play upon the meekness of my disposition! yet take care; the patience of a saint may be overcome at last! But mark! I give you six hours and a half to consider of this: if you then agree without any condition, to do every thing on earth that I choose, why-confound you! I may in time forgive you,-if not, zounds! don't enter the same hemisphere with me; don't dare to breath the same

air, or use the same light with me; but get an atmosphere and a sun of your own! I'll strip you of your commission; I'll lodge a five-and-three-pence in the hands of trustees, and you shall live on the interest. I'll disown you, I'll disinherit you, and hang me! if I call you Jack again! (Exit.)

Capt. A. Mild, gentle, considerate, father! I kiss your hands. (Enter Fag.)

Fag. Assuredly, sir, your father is wroth to a degree; he comes down stairs eight or ten steps at a time, muttering, growling, and thumping the banisters all the way: I, and the cook's dog, stand bowing at the door-rap! he gives me a stroke on the head with his cane! bids me carry that to my master; then kicking the poor turnspit into the area, canes us all for a puppy triumvirate! Upon my credit, sir, were I in your place, and found my father such very bad company, I should certainly drop his acquaintance.

Capt. A. Cease your impertinence, sir-did you come in for nothing more? Stand out of the way. (Pushes him aside, and exit.)

Fag. So! Sir Anthony trims my master: he is afraid to reply to his father, then vents his spleen on poor Fag. When one is vexed by one person, to revenge one's self on another, who happens to come in the way, shows the worst temper, the basest

(Enter errand boy.)

Boy. Mr. Fag! Mr. Fag! your master calls you.

Fag. Well, you little dirty puppy, you needn't bawl so— the meanest disposition, the

Boy. Quick, quick! Mr. Fag.

Fag. Quick, quick! you impudent jackanapes! am I to be commanded by you too, you little, impertinent, insolent, kitchen-bred imp? (Kicks him off.)

Scene 2.-The North Parade.

(Enter Captain Absolute.)

Capt. A. 'Tis just as Fag told me, indeed! Whimsical enough, faith! My father wants to force me to marry the very girl I am plotting to run away with! He must not know of my connexion with her yet awhile. He has too summary a method of proceeding in these matters; however, I'll read my recantation instantly. My conversion is something sudden, indeed; but, I can assure him, it is very sincere. So, so, here he comes; he looks plaguy gruff.

(Steps aside.)

(Enter Sir Anthony.)

Sir A. No-I'll die sooner than forgive him! Die, did I say! I'll live these fifty years to plague him. At our last meeting, his impudence had almost put me out of temper—an obstinate, passionate, self-willed boy! Who can he take after? This is his return for all my goodness! for putting him at twelve years old into a marching regiment, and allowing him fifty pounds a year, besides his pay, ever since! But I have done with him,-he's any body's son for me I never I will see him more-never-never-never-never. Now for a penitential face! Fellow, get out of my way!

Capt. A.

Sir A.

Capt. A.

(Comes forward.)

Sir, you see a penitent before you.

Sir A. I see an impudent scoundrel before me.
Capt. A.

A sincere penitent. I am come, sir, to acknowledge my error, and to submit entirely to your will.

Sir A. What's that?

Capt. A. I have been revolving, and reflecting, and considering on your past goodness, and kindness, and condescension to me.

Sir A. Well, sir!

Capt. A. I have been likewise weighing and balancing what you were pleased to mention, concerning duty, and obedience, and authority.

Sir A. Why, now you talk sense! absolute sense! I never heard any thing more sensible in my life. Confound you! you shall be Jack again.

Capt. A. I am happy, sir, in the appellation.

Sir A. Why then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the lady really is. Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, prevented my telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and rapture-prepare. What think you of Miss Lydia Languish?

Capt. A. Languish! What the Languishes of Worces

tershire?

Sir A. Worcestershire! No. Did you never meet Mrs. Malaprop, and her niece, Miss Languish, who came into our county just before you were last ordered to your regiment? Capt. A. Malaprop! Languish! Let me see-I think I do recollect something-Languish-Languish--she squints, don't shes? A little red haired girl?

Sir A. Squints! A red haired girl! Zounds! no! Capt. A. Then I must have forgot; it can't be the same person.