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THE THREE PERILS OF MAN; OR LOVE, LAW, AND LITERATURE.

DRAMATIS PERSONE.

NECK-OR-NOTHING, an amiable student at law, and dabbler

in poetry; desperately in love, and desperately in debt.
PETER, his clerk.

STATUTE, HEEltap, Green, GAMMON, GARGLE, DIAMOND,
VELLUM, FRISeur, Sloejuice, Dovetail, DOUBLECHALK,
DIP, GRISKIN; his Creditors.

SCENE.-NECK-OR-NOTHING'S Chambers in the Temple. Books, Musical
Instruments, MSS. are lying about in the most picturesque confusion.
Enter NECK-OR-NOTHING cautiously.

N. COAST clear-faith! a narrow escape-two bailiffs sentinel at the door-way, flanked by a regiment of duns. So much for impudence. (Seats himself.) Well, Neck-or-nothing, thou art at the Temple at last! What a pretty condition thou art in; over head and years in love, and over head and ears in debt;—with a fine woman, and twenty thousand pounds to carry you off to Gretna-green, and half a dozen bailiffs to carry you off to the King's Bench. (Calls) Peter!

Enter PETER.

N. Well, Peter-Any body called?

P. Oh! yes Sir, lots of duns.

N. Ah! they never go out of town, except after their creditors.you any letters?

Have

P. These two, and a parcel.

N. So, so-One from my worthy papa-an empty one, as I live— "Then fall, Cæsar." Another, from my worthy and respected aunt Tabitha. A third, from my adorable (kisses it). First, old rusty-fusty, what have you to say for yourself?

(Reads.) "You abandoned profligate!"

(Faith! a very polite way of addressing a gentleman.)" In reply to your request for more money, I have to tell you, I shall not advance another farthing." Very pleasant, upon my honour. "Your extravagance at college, the expense of bringing you up to the law, and of keeping you from its clutches, have downright ruined me, and I shall end my days in a workhouse." Shocking, for a baronet of five thousand a year. "And all I have now to request is, that I never see your ill-starred face again; for whenever I do, it brings on a fit of the gout. Your loving and affectionate father,

vise

"Turn over."

HUGH NECK-OR-NOTHING."

Oh! something by way of postcript, an order, no doubt, on his banker. "To keep you from starving and bad company,"-Good-"I would adyou to answer an advertisement I saw in yesterday's Times, requiring an usher for a boys' school in Yorkshire, which I hope you will be able to obtain, and there begin to reform."-I think I see myself, I, Richard Neck-or-nothing, Master of Arts, Barrister at Law, and heir to Sir Hugh Neck-or-nothing, of Neck-or-nothing Hall, in the county of Northumberland, an usher at a Yorkshire school!-But what says my pious maiden aunt?

MAGNET, VOL. IV. PART XXII.

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"I hear you have been very naughty, and have been throwing your tailor out of the window, and have been fighting with the watchmen, and have got the bridge of your nose broken; if the place is still sore, rub it with this ointment. Take an ounce of bacon fat, and a lump of goosegrease, about the size of a pigeon's egg, simmer gently over a coal fire, throw in a little hog's lard, and bathe it with sweet oil and vinegar till the place is well. I hope you liked the potted eels I sent you, and that you go to church at least twice every Sunday, and read the bible every morning and evening. Oh! my dear nephew, whatever you do, take care that you do not catch cold, and wander into the paths of wickedness. I send you a basket of Queens-cakes, which, with Baxter's Light to the Unconverted, I hope will reach you safe; and as I hear you are in want of money, enclose you half a sovereign, which I hope will not lead you into extravagance. I remain your ever loving, though sinful Aunt,

TABITHA."

"P. S. I hope you are getting on well with your law, and that you wear flannel next your skin: poor Lord Ricketty caught his death by leaving it off, one night, after wearing it for 87 years."

Poor man, how afflicting to be cut off in the flower of his years. So much for my loving and affectionate Aunt.-Now what says Harriet?

"My dear Neck-or-nothing,

"Lose not a moment, but join me at the White Horse, Piccadilly, where love, fortune, Harriet and twenty thousand pounds, a post-chaise and four are waiting for you."

Was there ever such an unfortunate wight? Fly! with half a dozen bailiffs at my heels.-(Calls) Peter.

Enter PETER.

N. Go out and reconnoitre.

Well, how stands the enemy ?

[Exit, and re-enter PETER.

P. Scarcely had I opened the outer door, when something uncommonly like a bailiff, turned from behind it! on the landing place two gentlemen of equally prepossessing appearance, did me the honour of catching me by my skirts, mistaking me for my master.

N. Sorry you undeceived them.

P. And upon taking a glance at the staircase, beheld two other brothers in law making the best of their way through a detachment of at least seven and twenty creditors.

N. Armed with bill-books, on dun-coloured steeds! To be kept out of twenty thousand pounds, and a bewitching woman, through a pack of merciless shopkeepers! (A rap outside.) Go and answer the door, and beware to whom you open it. [Exit, and re-enter PETER. P. Mr. Statute, the law bookseller, has called for his little account. N. Tell Mr. Statute I am not at home.

to

P. I have told him so for the last six weeks.

N. Ah! you were at home there.

P. But he says it is only the old tune.

N. Then tell him that I am at home, and it is not convenient for me

pay him till I receive remittances from the country.

P. If you please, Sir, he says it is only the old story over again.
N. Tell him to go to-Heaven, and bless himself.

P. If you please, Sir, Mr. Statute says he would rather stay here

N. Tell him that I am duly sensible of the preference.

P. Till he gets his money.

N. Faith he'll stay long enough then.

[Knock the second.]

P. Mr. Heeltap has called for his little account-says, he shan't budge an inch till he has had his money.

N. He had better alter his determination.

P. If you please, Sir, Mr. Heeltap says he won't alter his mind—

he will stick to his first resolution.

N. Tell him he had better stick to his last.

P. He says he is determined to pun-ish you.

N. If he wants to let off squibs, I'll be his match.

Heeltap (from without.) Aye, all lawyers have a brimstone end. P. Mr. Heeltap begs as how you will settle his account for the sake of his wife and children.

N. What! a fine strapping fellow like him, talking of his wife and children? I am sure I envy him.

Heel. Do you?-and there's poor Mr. Statute there, he looks quite a spectacle.

N. Then sit you down with him, and then you will make a pair of spectacles.

[Knock the third.]

P. If you please, Sir, there's Mr. Green, the tailor.

N. Desire him to wait.

P. He says, Sir, he has waited long enough already; he sent in his two years' bill last Christmas, and has now called to let you know, without it is paid immediately, he will take measures---

N. Oh! he need not do that, as I am not in want of any thing at present.

[Knock the fourth.]

P. Mr. Gammon has called for 87. 14s. 6d. due for hiring horses. N. Tell Mr. Gammon-what you told the last.

P. He says that gammon won't do, he shan't swallow a bit.

N. Oh! he's no occasion to swallow it; as long as he keeps it in his mouth it will do.

Gammon (from without.) I'll take care to cut such scape-graces as you again.

N. Do, any way but saddle-ways.

[Knock the fifth.]

P. Mr. Clyster's apprentice has called for his little account.

N. Desire him to step in.

[Enter APPRENTICE, blowing and puffing.]

N. I am sorry my stairs should have put you out of countenance. App. If you please, Sir

N. Oh! I know what your message is before you open your lips: "Mr. Clyster sends his compliments, and having a heavy payment to

make up, would be obliged to me to settle his little account," which unfortunately I cannot do, as I've mislaid it.

App. No consequence, Sir, I've brought another with me.

N. Read the items.

(APPRENTICE reads.)

"Richard Neck-or-nothing, Esq. to Galen Clyster, Dr. "To four draughts a day from the 13th of May to the 18th of June, 77. 17s. 6d."

N. That's the worst game of draughts I ever played at; your master took me in every time.

App. "To a box of pills, following the draughts"

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N. Aye, how can that be? the draughts I threw out of the window, and my laundress took the pills for her rheumatism.

App. "To a mixture taken alternately."

N. Ah! Mr. Clyster is like my old Dublin tailor, who could make new clothes, or alter-nately to the present fashion.

App. "Leeches-"

N. One would think you were one of them, from the attachment you display to my person.

App. "To six dozen composing draughts, l. 12s."

N. Bless my soul! he need not have sent me those; I've got a dozen rough drafts already, which send me to sleep whenever I attempt to settle them.

App. "Medicines, 187. 19s. 6d.—and what you please to say for the visits."

N. Give my compliments to Mr. Clyster, and tell him I will make it a point to dispense with the medicines, and return the visits.

App. Sir, my master desired me not to go away without the money. N. I am afraid, Sir, you will find a lawyer's chamber a bad place to make long stays in.

[Knock the sixth.]

P. Mrs. Diamond, the glazier, has called for her little account.
N. Confound the woman,-she sticks to me like her own putty.
P. She says, Sir, without you pay her the balance, she will paint you-
N. In any colours but those which she has adorned my bed-room with.
P. And will see herself-

N. Not through her own glass, I'll venture to say.

P. And will take steps to compel the payment.

N. They'll be the worst she ever used in her business. [Knock the seventh.]

P. Mr. Vellum has called for his little bill.

N. Little! I remember it was half a quire of foolscap! I will see him.

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Enter VELLUM.

V. "To six dozen letter-Bath-post."

N. Six dozen! Faith, I never remember receiving one!

V. "To a bundle of whitey-brown."

N. Gad, by your complexion, one would think you meant yourself. V. "To a gallon of ink-a hundred of quills-a dozen of pencils,which all stand in my books."

N. I am perfectly well aware they are stationary.

V. Mr. Neck-or-nothing! this conduct is quite unparalleled.

N. You are really mistaken; if you step into the next room you will find a dozen I have served in the same way.

V. I shan't stir out of the room.

N. You have no occasion to trouble yourself; that impudent dog (pointing to PETER) is taking you off at this moment.

V. He shant take me off,-I'll take myself off.

N. Do; you can't take any thing I have less affection for, [A whole volley of knocks.]

Enter in a body-Monsieur FRISEUR, Mr. CALICO, Mr. SLOEJUICE, Mr. FOLIO, Mr. DOVETAIL, Mr. TICKER, Mr. DOUBLECHALK, Mr. DIP, Mr. GRISKIN, and a numerous band of etceteras.

N. (Aside.) What's to be done? Why, what says the proverb: "Faint heart"-I will face the enemy. Here, Peter, show all the gentlemen in.

Re-enter STATUTE, HEELPAP, GREEN, GAMMON, GARGLE, DIAMOND, and VELLUM.

S. Sir, I must have the principal and interest on my bill of exchange due. A dozen voices at once) "And give us our principals ?" N. Faith! I never knew that any of you had any principles. (All the creditors rise up at once.)"We wont be insulted any longer." N. (Throwing himself into an attitude.) Mr. Statute, and you, Gentlemen Creditors! it is with feelings of deep humiliation-gratification, that I have occasion to address a set of jews,-a-hem—a jury, that, no doubt, will do justice-to themselves, in preference to any body else. Where shall I find so respectable a set of scoundrels ?— (Creditors cry "Hear" [here] "Hear" [here].) It is my intention to pay each of you, this very moment, the last farthing I owe you; (thunders of applause.)—the preceding pounds, shillings, and pence, on a future occasion.-(Hisses and murmurs of disapprobation, with cries "It's all a hum," "the old story.")-Gentlemen, I have a plan to propose, [(Aside.) Open the window, Peter.] that will, I have no doubt"But we have great doubts," (from all parts of the room).

(GAMMON mounts the table, cries of "No gammon.")

G. Gentlemen, I see by his looks.

N. I always understood I was a light character;-but, gentlemen, as I have a great regard for your time, I do not wish to detain you.Heaven forbid, gentlemen, that I should encroach upon that valuable commodity.

Creditors. Question! question! you are running away.

N. (Aside.) Running away! Egad! I wish I was.--Well, gentlemen, as you don't care about throwing away time, all I have to request is, that you will give me a little-I promise to pay

P. (Aside.) That's the usual beginning of his notes.

N. To cut the matter short-I have but one sovereign in the world. [Sighs deeply.

"I'll place it to account," (from all parts of the room.

N. Gentlemen, it is already placed to my own account, for that sovereign is in my heart.

Cred. Why, what's that to us?

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