(Enter Snarl.) Snarl. Where is my friend, Mr. Scout?-Is the goose a dressing? Scout. Wife, wife-here comes the doctor-he brings me the cooling mixture--the cooling mixture! Snarl. The cooling mixture! Mrs. S. Oh, sir! I hope you have brought something for my poor husband; he has been confined to his room, and has not been out this fortnight! Snarl. Not out of his room this fortnight! Mrs. S. No, sir; this day fortnight, of all the good days in the year, he was seized with a lunacy fit, and has not been out of doors since! Snarl, Why, woman! What are you talking about?— Why, he came to my shop this morning, and, by the same token, he bought four yards of iron-gray cloth, and I am come for my money. Mrs. S. This morning! Snari. This morning; and invited me to dine with him today off a goose, and to receive fifty pounds which his father owed mine-I'll speak to him, (Crosses.) How do you do, good Mr. Scout? Scout. Oh, how d'ye do, good Mr. Drench? Snarl. Good Mr. Drench! Mrs. S. He takes you for the doctor, Mr. Drench. Scout. Wife, wife-keep the doctor from me, and a fig for the disease. Mrs. S. For heaven's sake, sir, if you can't relieve him, don't torment him. Snarl. Hold your tongue, woman. I want my cloth or my money. Mr. Scout! Mr. Scout! Scout. See! see! see! There are three nice butterflies; there they fly; there they fly! they fly! (jumps after them,) with bat wings-I've catched them-I have them.-Tally-ho, tally-ho.-Oh! oh! oh! (Falls in the chair.) Snarl. Butterflies !-Hang me if I can see any. I wish to see my cloth. Scout. (Jumps on the chair.) My lord, and gentlemen of the jury, my client, Sir Hugh Witherington, charges the defendant, Mr. Mungummery, that is, moreover, nevertheless, as shall appear, as-(Spits at him.--Jumps down and dances.) Dol de rol, de lol! Oh! oh! oh! (Jumps cross-legged on the chair.) Snarl.-There now, he's fancying himself a tailor, and at work upon my cloth. Mrs. S. Do, pray, sir, leave him, and don't torment him. Snarl. I won't leave him without my money. See, he is getting better. I'll speak to him again. How do you do, neighbor Scout? Scout. How d'ye,do, Mr. Snarl? I am glad to see you; I hope you are very well. My dear, here is Mr. Suarl come to see us. Snarl. There! there! there! he knows me: he knows me. Oh, Mr. Snarl, I beg a thousand pardons; I confess I have been very unkind: but I hope you'll excuse me coming to see you. I have never called on you since I came to live in this part of the country. Snarl. Never called on me! Oh, the mischief, I shall never get my cloth again. Why, man, you called on me this morning, and bought four yards of iron-gray cloth, and I am come for my money-besides fifty pounds your father owed mine. Aye, you may shake your head; but hang me, if I go out of the house without it. Scout. Say you so? Then I'll try something else. (Aside.) Wife! wife! wife! get up-softly! softly! get up! Don't lie snoring there: there's thieves in the house. No, no; second thoughts are best; be still while I fetch my gun and shoot them. Cover yourself up close; I'll shoot them! shoot them! shoot them! (Exit.) Snarl. Thieves in the house, did he say? Egad, who knows but, in his mad tricks, he may shoot me for a thief? I'll get out of his way, and not stay with a madman. (Enter Scout, with a birch broom, and presents it at him.) Scout. Boh! (Exit Snarl.) Victoria! Victoria! Ha! ha! ha! Well wife, I must say you are an honor to the fair sex. Mrs. S. Ha ha! The good Mr. Snarl, how he must have relished his favorite dish, with the "sage and onions." (Exeunt.) Scene-5.-Justice's Office.—A covered arm chair for Mittimus, raised on two steps.-Table, with pens, ink, paper, books, &c. Stool for Clerk, and chair for Scout, at table. (Justice Mittimus discovered sitting-Clerks, &c.) Justice. So, the court being assembled, the parties may appear. (Enter Snarl, Scout, and Sheepface, with Constables, &c.) Just. Where is your lawyer, neighbor Snarl? Snarl. I am my own lawyer; I shall employ nobody-that would cost more money. Scout. Why, how now, you rascal, (seeing Snarl as the plaintiff) have you imposed upon me? What's the meaning of all this? Is that the plaintiff? Sheep. (Aside to Scout.) Yes, that's his honor, my good master. Scout. O, fury! What shall I do? I must stay and brazen it out! If I speak out of court, it will cause suspicion. (Aside.) Just. Come, neighbor Snarl, begin. Snarl. Well then, that thief, there- Snarl. Well then, I say, that rascal, my shepherd-no— do my eyes deceive me?-Sure that is-yes-it must be he; -if I had not left him very bad, I could have sworn—yes, yes, 'tis he and that other rascal came to my shop and boughtno, no-I don't mean so ;-that rascal there has killed fourteen of my fattest wethers.-What answer do you make to that? Scout. I deny the fact. Snarl. What is become of them, then ? Snarl. "Tis he—his voice, too. Just. What proof have you got ? Snarl. Why, this morning he came to my house.-No, no,-I mean, I went down last night to the pens, having long suspected him-'tis he! 'tis he !--and he began a long story about fifty pounds.—No, no, I don't mean that-and there I caught him in the very act. Scout. That remains to be proved. Snarl. Yes, I will swear it is the very man. Just. Why, this is the very man; but is it certain that your wethers died of the rot? What answer do you make to that? Snarl. Why, I tell you, he came this very morning, and, after talking some time, makes no more to do than carries off four yards of it. Just. Four yards of your wethers? Snarl. No, no, four yards of my cloth; I mean that other thief-that other, there. Just. What other? What other, neighbor Snarl? Scout. Why, he's mad, an please your worship. Just. Truly, I think so too ;-hark ye, neighbor Snarl, not all the justices in the county-no, nor their clerks either, can make any thing of your evidence. Stick to your wethers! Stick to your wethers, or I must release the prisoner; but, however, I believe it will be the shortest way to examine him myself; -come here, my good fellow. (Sheepface crosses to Justice.) Hold up your head, don't be frightened, tell me your name. Sheep. Baa! Snarl. It is a lie!-It is a lie !-His name is Sheepface. Just. Well, well, Sheepface or Baa, no matter for the name. Did Mr. Snarl give you in charge fourscore sheep, Sheepface? Sheep. Baa! Just. I say, did Mr. Snarl catch you in the night, killing one of his fattest wethers? Sheep. Baa! Just, What does he mean by baa? Scout. Please your worship, the blows he gave this poor fellow on the head have so affected his senses, he can say nothing else; he is to be trepanned as soon as the court breaks up: and the doctors say, it is the whole Materia Medica against a dose of jalap, he never recovers. Just. But the act, and in that provided, forbids all blows, particularly on the head. Snarl. It was dark, and, when I strike, I never mind where the blows fall. Scout. A voluntary confession, a voluntary confession! Just. (Rising and coming forward.) A voluntary confession, indeed. Release the prisoner; I find no cause of complaint against him. (Exeunt Constables.) Snarl. No cause of complaint against him! You are a pretty justice, indeed :-one kills my sheep, and the other pays me with Sir Hugh Witherington, and then you see no cause of complaint against him. Just. Not I, truly. Snarl. A pretty day's work I have made, indeed :-a suit of law, and a suit of iron-gray cloth, both carried against me; but as for you, Mr. Lawyer, we shall meet again. (Exit Snarl.) Just. O fie, neighbor Snarl, you are to blame, very much to blame, indeed. Scout. Come, now it is all over, go and thank his worship. Just. Enough, enough, my good fellow, take care you do not catch cold in your head; go and get trepanned, and take care of yourself, Sheepface. Sheep. Baa! Just. Poor fellow, poor fellow. (Exit Justice.) Scout. Bravo, my boy! You have acted your part admi. rably, and I think I did very well to bring you off so cleverly; and now I make no doubt, but, as you are a very honest fellow, you'll pay me as generously as you promised. Sheep. Baa! Scout. Aye! very well, very well, indeed-you did that very well just now, but there's no occasion to have it over any more. I'm talking about my fee, you know, Sheepface !-Yes, yes, I tell you it was very well done, but at this time, you know, my fee is the question. Sheep. Baa! baa! Scout. How's this, am I laughed at? Pay me directly, you rascal, or I'll make you rue it; I'll teach you to try to cheat a lawyer, that lives by cheating others. I'll Sheep. Baa! Scout. What! again! Braved by a mongrel cur, a bleatingSheep. Baa! Scout. Out of my sight! or I'll break every bone in your dog's skin, you sheep-stealing scoundrel: would you cheat one that has cheated hundreds? Get home to your hiding place! Sheep. Baa! XXXII.-FROM FORTUNE'S FROLIC.-Allingham. ROBIN. ROUGHHEAD-SNACKS--MR. FRANK-VILLAGERS-SER VANT-DOLLY-MARGERY. Scene 1.-A Hall in the Castle. (Enter Mr. Frank.) Frank. To what humiliation has my bad fortune reduced me, when it brings me here an humble suppliant to my base oppressor ! (Enter Snacks, speaking.) Snacks. A letter for me by express! What can it be about? Something of great consequence from my lord, I sup pose.-Frank here! What can he want?-Come a begging though, I dare say. |