The late John Bigelow, the patriarch of diplomats and au thors, and the no less distinguished physician and author, Dr. S. Weir Mitchell, were together, several years ago, at West Point. Dr. Bigelow was then ninety-two, and Dr. Mitchell eighty. The conversation turned to the subject of age. "I attribute my many years," said Dr. Bigelow, "to the fact that I have been most abstemious. I have eaten sparingly, and have not used tobacco, and have taken little exercise." "It is just the reverse in my case," explained Dr. Mitchell. "I have eaten just as much as I wished, if I could get it; I have always used tobacco, immoderately at times; and I have always taken a great deal of exercise." With that, Ninety-Two-Years shook his head at EightyYears and said, "Well, you will never live to be an old man!"Sarah Bache Hodge. A wise man never puts away childish things.-Sidney Dark. To the old, long life and treasure; -Ben Jonson. Youth is a blunder; Manhood a struggle; Old Age a regret.-Disraeli. We do not count a man's years, until he has nothing else to count.-Emerson. To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful than to be forty years old.-O. W. Holmes. AGENTS "John, whatever induced you to buy a house in this forsaken region?" "One of the best men in the business."-Life AGRICULTURE A farmer, according to this definition, is a man who makes his money on the farm and spends it in town. An agriculturist is a man who makes his money in town and spends it on the farm. In certain parts of the west, where without irrigation the cultivators of the land would be in a bad way indeed, the light rains that during the growing season fall from time to time, are appreciated to a degree that is unknown in the east. Last summer a fruit grower who owns fifty acres of orchards was rejoicing in one of these precipitations of moisture, when his hired man came into the house. "Why don't you stay in out of the rain?" asked the fruit man. "I don't mind a little dew like this," said the man. work along just the same." "I can "Oh, I'm not talking about that," exclaimed the fruit-man. "The next time it rains, you can come into the house. I want that water on the land." They used to have a farming rule Of forty acres and a mule. Results were won by later men With forty square feet and a hen. With forty inches and a bee. -Wasp. Blessed be agriculture! if one does not have too much of it.— Charles Dudley Warner. When tillage begins, other arts follow. The farmers, therefore, are the founders of human civilization.-Daniel Webster. ALARM CLOCKS MIKE (in bed, to alarm-clock as it goes off)-“I fooled yez that time. I was not aslape at all." ALERTNESS "Alert?" repeated a congressman, when questioned concerning one of his political opponents. “Why, he's alert as a Providence bridegroom I heard of the other day. You know how bridegrooms starting off on their honeymoons sometimes forget all about their brides, and buy tickets only for themselves? That is what happened to the Providence young man. And when his wife said to him, 'Why, Tom, you bought only one ticket,' he answered without a moment's hesitation, ‘By Jove, you're right, dear! I'd forgotten myself entirely!' ALIBI A party of Manila army women were returning in an auto from a suburban excursion when the driver unfortunately collided with another vehicle. While a policeman was taking down the names of those concerned an "English-speaking" Filipino law-student politely asked one of the ladies how the accident had happened. "I'm sure I don't know," she replied; "I was asleep when it occurred.". Proud of his knowledge of the Anglo-Saxon tongue, the youth replied: “Ah, madam, then you will be able to prove a lullaby.” ALIMONY "What is alimony, ma?" "It is a man's cash surrender value."-Town Topics The proof of the wedding is in the alimony. ALLOWANCES "Why don't you give your wife an allowance?" "I did once, and she spent it before I could borrow it back." ALTERNATIVES See Choices, ALTRUISM WILLIE "Pa!" PA-"Yes." WILLIE "Teacher says we're here to help others." WILLIE "Well, what are the others here for?" There was once a remarkably kind boy who was a great angler. There was a trout stream in his neighborhood that ran through a rich man's estate. Permits to fish the stream could now and then be obtained, and the boy was lucky enough to have a permit. One day he was fishing with another boy when a gamekeeper suddenly darted forth from a thicket. The lad with the permit uttered a cry of fright, dropped his rod, and ran off at top speed. The gamekeeper pursued. For about half a mile the gamekeeper was led a swift and difficult chase. Then, worn out, the boy halted. The man seized him by the arm and said between pants: "Have you a permit to fish on this estate? "Yes to be sure," said the boy, quietly. "You have? Then show it to me." The boy drew the permit from his pocket. The man examined it and frowned in perplexity and anger. "Why did you run when you had this permit?" he asked. "To let the other boy get away," was the reply. "He didn't have none!" AMBITION Oliver Herford sat next to a soulful poetess at dinner one night, and that dreamy one turned her sad eyes upon him. "Have you no other ambition, Mr. Herford," she demanded, "than to force people to degrade themselves by laughter?" Yes, Herford had an ambition. A whale of an ambition. Some day he hoped to gratify it. The woman rested her elbows on the table and propped her face in her long, sad hands, and glowed into Mr. Her ford's eyes. about it." "Oh, Mr. Herford," she said, "Oliver! Tell me "I want to throw an egg into an electric fan," said Herford, simply. "Hubby," said the observant wife, "the janitor of these flats is a bachelor." "What of it?" "I really think he is becoming interested in our oldest daughter." "There you go again with your pipe dreams! Last week it was a duke." The chief end of a man in New York is dissipation; in Boston conversation. When you are aspiring to the highest place, it is honorable to reach the second or even the third rank.-Cicero. The man who seeks one thing in life, and but one. But he who seeks all things, wherever he goes, Only reaps from the hopes which around him he sows AMERICAN GIRL -Owen Meredith Here's to the dearest And yet of full worth.) That's one of her arts!) Your banner unfurl- American Girl! -Walter Pulitzer. |