THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL PROLOGUE WRITTEN BY MR. GARRICK A SCHOOL for Scandal! tell me, I beseech you, We hope she'll DRAW, or we'll UNDRAW the curtain. Fine satire, poz-in public all abuse it, But, by ourselves [Sips], our praise we can't refuse it. Now, Lisp, read you-there, at that dash and star:" "Yes, ma'am-A certain lord had best beware, Who lives not twenty miles from Grosvenor Square; Wormwood is bitter" Oh, that's me! the villain! So strong, so swift, the monster there's no gagging: Cut Scandal's head off, still the tongue is wagging. And seeks his hydra, Scandal, in his den. Till every drop of blood-that's ink-is spilt for you. ACT I LADY SNEERWELL'S House. LADY SNEERWELL at her dressing table with Lady Sneer. The paragraphs you say were all inserted? Verj. They were, madam-and as I copied them myself in a feigned hand there can be no suspicion whence they came. Lady Sneer. Did you circulate the report of Lady Brittle's intrigue with Captain Boastall? Verj. Madam, by this time Lady Brittle is the talk of half the town-and I doubt not in a week the men will toast her as a demirep. Lady Sneer. What have you done as to the insinuation as to a certain baronet's lady and a certain cook? twenty hours, and then you know the business is as good as done. Lady Sneer. Why, truly, Mrs. Clackit has a very pretty talent-a great deal of industry -yet-yes-been tolerably successful in her way. To my knowledge she has been the cause of breaking off six matches, of three sons being disinherited and four daughters being turned out of doors, of three several elopements, as many close confinements, nine separate maintenances, and two divorces.-Nay, I have more than once traced her causing a Tête-à-Tête in the Town and Country Magazine, when the parties perhaps had never seen each other's faces before in the course of their lives. Verj. She certainly has talents. Verj. 'Tis very true. She generally de- a Lady Sneer. Ah, you are partial, Verjuice. Verj. Not in the least; everybody allows that Lady Sneerwell can do more with word or a look than many can with the most labored detail even when they happen to have a little truth on their side to support it. Lady Sneer. Yes, my dear Verjuice. I Verj. That is in as fine a train as your Ladyship could wish. I told the story yesterday to my own maid with directions to communicate it directly to my hairdresser. He, I am informed, has a brother who courts a milliner's prentice in Pallmall, whose mistress has a first cousin whose sister is femme de chambre to Mrs. Clackit-so that in the common course of things it must am no hypocrite to deny the satisfaction I reach Mrs. Clackit's ears within four-and-reap from the success of my efforts. From Sheridan's manuscript. Wounded myself in the early part of my life by the envenomed tongue of slander, confess I have since known no pleasure equal to the reducing others to the level of my own injured reputation. Verj. Nothing can be more natural. But, my dear Lady Sneerwell, there is one affair in which you have lately employed me, wherein, I confess, I am at a loss to guess your motives. Lady Sneer. I conceive you mean with respect to my neighbor, Sir Peter Teazle, and his family-Lappet.—And has my conduct in this matter really appeared to you so mysterious? [Exit MAID. Verj. Entirely so. An old bachelor as Sir Peter was, having taken a young wife from out of the country-as Lady Teazle is-are certainly fair subjects for a little mischievous raillery; but here are two young men to whom Sir Peter has acted as a kind of guardian since their father's death, the eldest possessing the most amiable character and universally well spoken of, the youngest the most dissipated and extravagant young fellow in the kingdom, without friends or character-the former one an avowed admirer of yours and apparently your favorite, the latter attached to Maria, Sir Peter's ward-and confessedly beloved by her. Now on the face of these circumstances it is utterly unaccountable to me why you, a young widow with no great jointure, should not close with the passion of a man of such character and expectations as Mr. Surface, and more why you should be so uncommonly earnest to destroy the mutual attachment subsisting between his brother Charles and Maria. "Lady Sneer. Then at once to unravel this mystery, I must inform you that love has no share whatever in the intercourse between Mr. Surface and me." Verj. No! Lady Sneer. His real attachment is to Maria or her fortune, but finding in his brother a favored rival, he has been obliged to mask his pretensions and profit by my assistance. Lady Sneer. For our mutual interest; but I have found out him a long time since, altho' he has contrived to deceive everybody beside. I know him to be artful, selfish, and malicious-while with Sir Peter, and indeed with all his acquaintance, he passes for a youthful miracle of prudence, good sense, and benevolence. Verj. Yes, yes-I know Sir Peter vows he has not his equal in England; and, above all, he praises him as a man of sentiment. Lady Sneer. True, and with the assistance of his sentiments and hypocrisy he has brought Sir Peter entirely in his interests with respect to Maria, and is now, I believe, attempting to flatter Lady Teazle into the same good opinion towards him-while poor Charles has no friend in the housethough I fear he has a powerful one in Maria's heart, against whom we must direct our schemes. Serv. Mr. Surface. Lady Sneer. Show him up. He generally calls about this time. I don't wonder at people's giving him to me for a lover. Enter SURFACE. Surf. My dear Lady Sneerwell, how do you do to-day-your most obedient. Lady Sneer. Miss Verjuice has just been arraigning me on our mutual attachment now; but I have informed her of our real views and the purposes for which our geniuses at present co-operate. You know how useful she has been to us-and believe me, the confidence is not ill-placed. Surf. Madam, it is impossible for me to suspect that a lady of Miss Verjuice's sensibility and discernment Lady Sneer. Well, well, no compliments now; but tell me when you saw your mistress or, what is more material to me, your brother? Surf. I have not seen either since I saw you, but I can inform you that they are at present at variance; some of your stories have taken good effect on Maria. Lady Sneer. Ah! my dear Verjuice, the merit of this belongs to you. But do your brother's distresses increase? Surf. Every hour. I am told he had another execution in his house yesterday; in short his dissipation and extravagance exceed anything I have ever heard of. Lady Sneer. Poor Charles! Verj. Yet still I am more puzzled why you should interest yourself in his success. Lady Sneer. Heavens! how dull you are! cannot you surmise the weakness which I hitherto thro' shame have concealed even from you-must I confess that Charles-that libertine, that extravagant, that bankrupt in fortune and reputation-that he it is for Surf. True, madam, notwithstanding his whom I am thus anxious and malicious and vices one can't help feeling for him; ah, poor to gain whom I would sacrifice-every-Charles! I'm sure I wish it was in my power thing?to be of any essential service to him, for the Verj. Now indeed, your conduct appears man who does not share in the distresses consistent and I no longer wonder at your of a brother-even though merited by his enmity to Maria; but how came you and own misconduct-deservesSurface so confidential? Lady Sneer. O Lud, you are going to be moral, and forget that you are among Mar. Well, I'll not debate how far scandal friends. Surf. Egad, that's true-I'll keep that sentiment till I see Sir Peter. However, it is certainly a charity to rescue Maria from such a libertine who, if he is to be reclaimed, can be so only by a person of your ladyship's superior accomplishments and understanding. Verj. 'Twould be a hazardous experiment. Surf. But, madam, let me caution you to place no more confidence in our friend Snake the libeller; I have lately detected him in frequent conference with old Rowley, who was formerly my father's steward and has never been a friend of mine. Lady Sneer. I'm not disappointed in Snake; I never suspected the fellow to have virtue enough to be faithful even to his own villany. Enter MARIA. may be allowable-but in a man I am sure it is always contemptible. We have pride, envy, rivalship, and a thousand motives to depreciate each other, but the male-slanderer must have the cowardice of a woman before he can traduce one. Lady Sneer. I wish my cousin Verjuice hadn't left us-she should embrace you. Surf. Ah! she's an old maid and is privileged of course. Enter SERVANT. Madam, Mrs. Candour is below and if your Ladyship's at leisure will leave her carriage. Lady Sneer. Beg her to walk in [Exit SERVANT]. Now, Maria, however here is a character to your taste, for tho' Mrs. Candour is a little talkative, everybody allows her to be the best-natured and best sort of woman. Maria, my dear, how do you do? What's good nature and benevolence, she does more the matter? Maria. O, here is that disagreeable lover of mine, Sir Benjamin Backbite, has just called at my guardian's with his odious Uncle Crabtree; so I slipt out and ran hither to avoid them. Lady Sneer. Is that all? Verj. Lady Sneerwell, I'll go and write the letter I mentioned to you. [Exit VERJ. Surf. If my brother Charles had been of the party, madam, perhaps you would not have been so much alarmed. Lady Sneer. Nay, now, you are severe, for I dare swear the truth of the matter is Maria heard you were here; but, my dear, what has Sir Benjamin done that you should avoid him so? Mar. Oh, he has done nothing; but his conversation is a perpetual libel on all his acquaintance. Surf. Aye, and the worst of it is there is no advantage in not knowing them, for he'll abuse a stranger just as soon as his best friend-and Crabtree is as bad. Lady Sneer. Nay, but we should make allowance-Sir Benjamin is a wit and a poet. Mar. For my part-I own, madam-wit loses its respect with me, when I see it in company with malice.-What do you think, Mr. Surface? Surf. Certainly, madam, to smile at the jest which plants a thorn on another's breast is to become a principal in the mischief. Lady Sneer. Pshaw, there's no possibility of being witty without a little ill-naturethe malice of a good thing is the barb that makes it stick.-What's your opinion, Mr. Surface? Surf. Certainly, madam-that conversation where the spirit of raillery is suppressed will ever appear tedious and insipid. Mar. Yes, with a very gross affectation of mischief than the direct malice of old Crabtree. Surf. Efaith, 'tis very true, Lady Sneerwell. Whenever I hear the current running again the characters of my friends, I never think them in such danger as when Candour undertakes their defence. Lady Sneer. Hush, here she is Enter MRS. CANDOUR. Mrs. Can. My dear Lady Sneerwell, how have you been this century? I have never seen you tho' I have heard of you very often. Mr. Surface, the world says scandalous things of you-but indeed it is no matter what the world says, for I think one hears nothing else but scandal. Surf. Just so, indeed, ma'am. Mrs. Can. Ah, Maria, child-what! is the whole affair off between you and Charles? His extravagance, I presume-the town talks of nothing else Mar. I am very sorry, ma'am, the town has so little to do. Mrs. Can. True, true, child; but there's no stopping people's tongues. I own I was hurt to hear it-as I indeed was to learn from the same quarter that your guardian, Sir Peter, and Lady Teazle have not agreed lately so well as could be wished. Mar. 'Tis strangely impertinent for people to busy themselves so. Mrs. Can. Very true, child; but what's to be done? People will talk-there's no preventing it. Why, it was but yesterday I was told that Miss Gadabout had eloped with Sir Filagree Flirt. But, Lord! there is no minding what one hears; tho' to be sure I had this from very good authority. Mar. Such reports are highly scandalous. Mrs. Can. So they are, child-shameful! shameful! but the world is so censorious no lover pursues you. Positively you shan't an indiscretion; yet such is the ill-nature Enter CRABTREE and SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE. Crab. Lady Sneerwell, I kiss your head. of people that they say her uncle stopped her last week just as she was stepping into Mrs. Candour, I don't believe you are aca postchaise with her dancing-master. quainted with my nephew, Sir Benjamin Mar. I'll answer for't there are no Backbite. Egad, ma'am, he has a pretty grounds for the report. wit, and is a pretty poet too, isn't he, Lady Sneerwell? Mrs. Can. Oh, no foundation in the world I dare swear; no more probably than for the story circulated last month, of Mrs. Festino's affair with Colonel Cassino-though to be sure that matter was never rightly cleared up. Sir Ben. O fie, uncle! Crab. Nay, egad, it's true. I back him at a rebus or a charade against the best rhymer in the kingdom. Has your Ladyship heard the epigram he wrote last week on Surf. The licence of invention some peo- Lady Frizzle's feather catching fire?-do, ple take is monstrous indeed. Mar. 'Tis so; but in my opinion those who report such things are equally culpable. Mrs. Can. To be sure they are; tale bearers are as bad as the tale makers-'tis an old observation and a very true one-but what's to be done, as I said before? How will you prevent people from talking? Today Mrs. Clackitt assured me Mr. and Mrs. Honeymoon were at last become mere man and wife-like the rest of their acquaintance; she likewise hinted that a certain widow in the next street had got rid of her dropsy and recovered her shape in a most surprising manner; at the same time Miss Tattle, who was by, affirmed that Lord Boffalo had discovered his Lady at a house of no extraordinary fame, and that Sir Harry Bouquet and Tom Saunter were to measure swords on a similar provocation. But, Lord! do you think I would report these things? No, no! tale bearers, as I said before, are just as bad as the tale makers. Surf. Ah! Mrs. Candour, if everybody had your forbearance and good nature Mrs. Can. I confess, Mr. Surface, I cannot bear to hear people traduced behind their backs; and when ugly circumstances come out against our acquaintances, I own I always love to think the best.-By the bye, I hope 'tis not true that your brother is absolutely ruined Surf. I am afraid his circumstances are very bad indeed, ma'am. Mrs. Can. Ah! I heard so; but you must tell him to keep up his spirits; everybody almost is in the same way-Lord Spindle, Sir Thomas Splint, Captain Quinze, and Mr. Nickit-all up, I hear, within this week; so if Charles is undone, he'll find half his acquaintance ruined too, and that, you know, is a consolation Surf. Doubtless, ma'am, a very great one. Serv. Mr. Crabtree and Sir Benjamin Benjamin, repeat it-or the charade you made last night extempore at Mrs. Drowzie's conversazione ?-Come now, your first is the name of a fish, your second a great naval commander—and— Sir Ben. Dear uncle-now-prithee Crab. Efaith, ma'am, 'twould surprise you to hear how ready he is at all these things. Lady Sneer. I wonder, Sir Benjamin, you never publish anything. Sir Ben. To say truth, ma'am, 'tis very vulgar to print, and as my little productions are mostly satires and lampoons, I find they circulate more by giving copies in confidence to the friends of the parties; however, I have some love-elegies, which, when favored with this lady's smile, I mean to give to the public. [Pointing to MARIA. Crab. 'Fore Heaven, ma'am, they'll immortalize you-you'll be handed down to posterity, like Petrarch's Laura, or Waller's Sacharissa. Sir Ben. Yes, madam, I think you will like them-when you shall see in a beautiful quarto page how a neat rivulet of text shall meander thro' a meadow of margin-'fore Gad, they will be the most elegant things of their kind Crab. But, ladies, have you heard the news? Mrs. Can. What, sir, do you mean the report of Crab. No, ma'am, that's not it.-Miss Nicely is going to be married to her own footman. Mrs. Can. Impossible! Crab. Ask Sir Benjamin. Sir Ben. 'Tis very true, ma'am; everything is fixed and the wedding livery bespoke. Crab. Yes, and they say there were pressing reasons for't. Mrs. Can. It cannot be-and I wonder any one should believe such a story of so prudent a lady as Niss Nicely. Sir Ben. O Lud! ma'am, that's the very reason 'twas believed at once. She has alLady Sneer. Soh! Maria, you see your ways been so cautious and so reserved that Backbite. |