Foot. Really, sir, I can't tell; here come so and hoping you are in good health, and so many here, 'tis hard to know 'em all. [Exit. forth-To begin with a Rat me, knight, I'm Sir W. Oons, this fellow knows less than so sick of a last night's debauch—Ods heart, a starling; I don't think a’knows his own name. and then tell a familiar tale of a cock and a Mrs. Mar. Mr. Witwould, your brother is bull, and a wench and a bottle, and so connot behind-hand in forgetfulness. I fancy he clude. You could write news before you has forgot you too. were out of your time, when you lived with honest Pimplenose, the attorney of Furnival's Inn, you could entreat to be remembered then to your friends round the Wrekin. Wit. I hope so. The deuce take him that remembers first, I say. Sir W. Save you, gentlemen and lady. Mrs. Mar. For shane, Mr. Witwould; why won't you speak to him? And you, sir. Wi. Petulant, speak. Pet. It seems as if you had come a journey, sir; hem, hem. [Surveying him round. Sir W. Very likely, sir, that it may seem so. Pet. No offence, I hope, sir. Sir W. May be not, sir; thereafter, as 'tis meant, sir. Wit. Smoke the boots, the boots; Petulant, the boots. Ha, ha, ha! Pet. Sir, I presume upon the information of your boots. Pet. 'Slife, Witwould, were you ever an attorney's clerk, of the family of the Furnivals? Ha, ha, ha! Wit. Ay, ay, but that was but for awhile. Not long, not long; pshaw, I was not in my own power then. An orphan, and this fellow was my guardian; ay, ay, I was glad to consent to that, man, to come to London. He had the disposal of me then. If I had not agreed to that, I might have been bound 'prentice to a feltmaker in Shrewsbury; this fellow would have bound me to a maker of felts. Sir W. 'Sheart, and better than be bound Sir W. Why, 'tis like you may, sir: if you to a maker of fops; where, I suppose, you are not satisfied with the information of my have served your time; and now you may set boots, sir, if you will step to the stable, you up for yourself. may inquire further of my horse, sir. Mrs. Mar. You intend to travel, sir, as I'm informed. Sir W. Belike I may, madam. I may chance sail upon the salt seas, if my mind hold. Pet. And the wind serve. Pet. Your horse, sir! your horse is an ass, sir! Sir W. Do you speak by way of offence, sir? Mrs. Mar. The gentleman's merry, that's all, to sir-'Slife, we shall have a quarrel betwixt an horse and ass, before they find one another Sir W. Serve or not serve, I shan't ask out. You must not take any thing amiss from licence of you, sir; nor the weather-cock your your friends, sir. You are among your friends, companion. I direct my discourse to the here, though it may be you don't know it. lady, sir. 'Tis like my aunt may have told If I am not mistaken, you are sir Wilful you, madam; yes, I have settled my concerns, Witwould. may say now, and am minded to see Sir W. Right, lady; I am sir Wilful Wit-foreign parts. would, so I write myself; no offence to any Mrs. Mar. I thought you had designed for body, I hope; and nephew to the lady Wish-France at all adventures. fort of this mansion. Sir W. I can't tell that; 'tis like I may, and Mrs. Mar. Don't you know this gentle- 'tis like I may not. I am somewhat dainty man, sir? in making a resolution, because when I make Sir W. Hum! What, sure 'tis not-yea, it I keep it. I don't stand shill I, shall I, then; by'r lady but 'tis.-'Sheart, I know not whether if I say't, I'll do't: but I have thoughts to 'tis or no.-Yea but 'tis, by the wrekin. Brother tarry a small matter in town, to learn someAnthony! what, Tony, i'faith! what, dost thou what of your lingo first, before I cross the not know me? By'r lady, nor I thee, thou seas. I'd gladly have a spice of your French, art so belaced, and so beperiwigg'd. 'Sheart as they say, whereby to hold discourse in why dost not speak? art thou o'erjoyed? foreign countries. Wit. Odso, brother, is it you? your servant, brother. Sir W. Your servant! why yours, sir. Wit. No offence, I hope, brother. Sir W. 'Sheart, sir, but there is, and much offence. A plague! is this your inns-o'court breeding, not to know your friends and your relations, your elders, and your betters? Wit. Why, brother Wilful of Salop, yo may be as short as a Shrewsbury cake, if you please. But I tell you 'tis not modish to know elations in town. 'Tis not the fashion here; lis not indeed, dear brother. Mrs. Mar, Here's an academy in town for that, and dancing, and curious accomplishments, calculated purely for the use of grown gentlemen. Sir W. Is there? 'tis like there may. Mrs. Mar. No doubt you will return very much improved. Wit. Yes, refined like a Dutch skipper from a whale-fishing. Enter LADY WISHFORT and FAINALL Sir W. The fashion's a fool; and you're a fop, dear brother. 'Sheart, I've suspected this; by'r lady, I conjectured you were a fop, since you began to change the style of your letters, Mr. Petulant, your servant. Nephew, you and write in a scrap of paper, gilt round the edges, no bigger than a subpoena. 1) I might expect this when you left off honoured brother; 1) A writ commanding a person to appear in court under a certain penalty (subpoena). are welcome again. Will you drink any thing after your journey, nephew, before you eat? dinner's almost ready. Sir W. I'm very well, I thank you, aunt; however, I thank you for your courteous offer, 'Sheart, I was afraid you would have been in Fain. This has an appearance. the fashion too, and have remembered to have Mrs. Mar. I'm sorry I hinted to my lady forgot your relations. Here's your cousin to endeavour a match between Millamant and Tony; belike I mayn't call him brother, for sir Wilfu!; that may be an obstacle. fear of offence. Fain. O, for that matter leave me to manage Lady W. O, he's a railer, nephew; my him; I'll disable him for that; he will drink cousin's a wit: and your great wits always like a Dane: after dinner, I'll set his hand in. rally their best friends to choose. When you Mrs. Mar. Well, how do you stand affected have been abroad, nephew, you'll understand towards your lady? raillery better. [Fainall and Mrs. Marwood talk apart. Sir W. Why then let him hold his tongue in the mean time, and rail when that day comes. Fain. Why, faith, I'm thinking of it. Let me see-I am married already; so that's over —my wife has play'd the jade with me-well, that's over too-I never loved her, or if I had, why that would have heen over too by this time-jealous of her I cannot be, for I am certain; so there's an end of jealousy. Weary Min. Mem, I am come to acquaint your of her, I am and shall be-no, there's no end la'ship that dinner is impatient. of that; no, no, that were too much to hope. Sir W. Impatient? why then belike it won't Thus far concerning my repose. Now for my stay till I pull off my boots. Sweetheart, can reputation-as to my own, I married not for you help me to a pair of slippers? My man's it; so that's out of the question. And as to with his horses I warrant. my part in my wife's why she had parted Lady W. Fie, fie, nephew, you would not with hers before; so bringing none to me, pull off your boots here; go down into the she can take none from me: 'tis against all hall; dinner shall stay for you. [Exeunt rule of play, that I should lose to one, who Mincing and Sir Wilfull] My nephew's a has not wherewithal to stake. little unbred, you'll pardon him, madam. Mrs. Mar. Besides you forget, marriage is Gentlemen, will you walk? Marwood? honourable. Mrs. Mar. I'll follow you, madam, before Fain. Hum! faith, and that's well thought sir Wilful is ready. [Exeunt Lady Wishful, Petulant Fain. Why then Foible's a procuress; an errant, rank, match-making procuress. And I it seems am a husband, a rank husband; and my wife a very errant, rank wife, all in the way of the world. 'Sdeath! to be out-witted, out-jilted, out-matrimony'd—and be out-stripp'd by my wife; 'tis scurvy wedlock. on. Marriage is honourable, as you say; and if so, wherefore should cuckoldom be a discredit, being derived from so honourable a root? Mrs. Mar. Nay, I know not; if the root be honourable, why not the branches? Fain. So, so, why this point's clear—well, how do we proceed? Mrs. Mar. I will contrive a letter which shall be deliver'd to my lady at the time when that rascal who is to act sir Rowland is with Mrs. Mar. Then shake it off: you have often her. It shall come as from an unknown hand wish'd for an opportunity to part; and now-for the less I appear to know of the truth, you have it. But first prevent their plot-the the better I can play the incendiary. Besides, half of Millamant's fortune is too considerable I would not have Foible provoked if I could to be parted with, to a foe, to Mirabell. help it, because you know she knows some Fain. Ay, that had been mine, had you not passages-nay, I expect all will come outmade that fond discovery; that had been for- but let the mine be sprung first, and then I feited, had they been married. My wife had care not if I am discover'd. added lustre to my dishonour by that increase Fain. If the worst come to the worst, I'll of fortune. I could have worn 'em tipt with turn my wife to grass: I have already a deed gold, though my forehead had been furnish'd of settlement of the best part of her estate, like a deputy-lieutenant's hall. which I wheedled out of her; and that you Mrs. Mar. They may prove a cap of main- shall partake at least. tenance to you still, if you can away with Mrs. Mar. I hope you are convinced that your wife. And she's no worse than when I hate Mirabell now; you'll be no more you had her I dare swear she had given up jealous. her game before she was married. Fain. Hum! that may be. Fain. Jealous! no, by this kiss, let husbands be jealous; but let the lover still believe: or Mrs. Mar. You married her to keep you; if he doubt, let it be only to endear his pleasure, and if you can contrive to have her keep you and prepare the joy that follows, when he better than you expected, why should you proves his mistress true. But let husbands' not keep her longer than you intended? doubts convert to endless jealousy; or if they Fain. The means, the means. have belief, let it corrupt to superstition, and Mrs. Mar. Discover to my lady your wife's blind credulity. I am single, and will herd conduct; threaten to part with her. My lady no more with 'em. True, I wear the badge, loves her, and will come to any composition but I'll disown the order. And since I to save her reputation. Take the opportunity take my leave of 'em, I care not if I leave of breaking it, just upon the discovery of this 'em a common motto to their common imposture. My lady will be enraged beyond crest, bounds, and sacrifice niece and fortune, and all, at that conjuncture. And let me alone to keep her warm; if she should flag in her part, I will not fail to prompt her. All husbands must, or pain, or shame endure; The wise too jealous are, fools too secure. [Exeunt. ACT IV. Enter LADY WISHFORT and FOIBLE. Mrs. Mill. Ay, if you please, Foible, send him away, or send him hither, just as you will, dear Foible. I think I'll see him: shall I? ay, let the wretch come Lady W. Is sir Rowland coming, say'st Thyrsis a youth of the inspired train. thou, Foible? and are things in order? [Repeating. Foi. Yes, madam. I have put wax-lights-Dear Fainall, entertain sir Wilfull; thou in the sconces, and placed the footmen in a hast philosophy to undergo a fool; thou art row in the hall, in their best liveries, with married and hast patience, I would confer the coachman and postition to fill up the with my own thoughts. equipage. Mrs. F. I am obliged to you, that Lady W. Have you pulvill'd the coachman make me your proxy in this affair; but I have and postilion, that they may not stink of the business of my own. stable, when sie Rowland comes by? Foi. Yes, madam. Lady W. And are the dancers and the Enter SIR WILFULL. you would Mrs. F. O sir Wilfull, you are come at music ready, that he may be entertain'd in all the critical instant. There's your mistress up to the cars in love and contemplation; pursue your point, now or never. points with correspondence to his passion? Foi. All is ready, madam. Lady W. Aud-well-and how do I look, Foible? F. O fie, sir VVilfull! what, you must unted. Sir W. Yes, my aunt will have it so: I would gladly have been encouraged with a Foi. Most killing well, madam. bottle or two, because I'm somewhat wary at Lady W. Well, and how shall I receive first, before I am acquainted;-but I hope, him? in what figure shall I give his heart the after a time, I shall break my mind—that is, first impression? There is a great deal in the upon further acquaintance. [This while Milfirst impression. Shall I sit? No, I won't lamant walks about repealing to herself] sit-I'll walk-ay, I'll walk from the door So for the present, cousin, I'll take my leave. upon his entrance; and then turn full upon I be you'll be so kind to make my excuse, him-no, that will be too sudden. I'll lie-ay, I turn to my company. I'll lie down-I'll receive him in my little dressing-room. There's a couch-yes, yes, I'll not give the first impression on a couch-I won't lie neither, but loll and lean upon one elbow, so with one foot a little dangling off, jogging in a thoughtful way; yes, and then as soon he appears, start, ay, start and be surprised, and rise to meet him in a pretty disorder- Mrs. F. Nay, I'll swear you shall never lose yes--O, nothing is more alluring than a levee so favourable an opportunity, if I can help it. from a couch in some confusion-It shows the I'll leave you together, and lock the door. foot to advantage, and furnishes with blushes, and re-composing airs beyond comparison. Hark! there's a coach. Foi. 'Tis he, madam. Lady W. O dear, has my nephew made his addresses to Millamant? I order'd him. Foi. Sir Wilfull is set in to drinking, madam, in the parlour. Lady W. Odds my life, I'll send him to her. Call her down, Foible; bring her hither. I'll send him as I go-when they are together, then come to me, Foible, that I may not be too long alone with sir Rowland. [Exit. Enter MRS. MILLAMANT and MRS. FAINALL. Foi. Madam, I staid here, to tell your ladyship that Mr. Mirabell has waited this half hour for an opportunity to talk with you. Though my lady's orders were to leave you and sir Wilfull together. Shall I tell Mr. Mirabell that you are at leisure? Mrs. Mill. No-what would the dear man have? I am thoughtful, aud would amuse myself. Bid him come another time. There never yet was woman made, Sh 1othe Daunted, no, that's not it, it is not or that; for if so be that I set on', that. But only for the present, 'tis suffihtther acquaintance, that's all—your there's n servant. [Exeunt Mrs. Fainall and Foible. Sir W. Nay, nay, cousin, I have forgot my gloves. What d'ye do? 'Sheart, a'has lock'd the door indeed, I think; nay, cousin Fainal, open the door; pshaw, what a vixen trick is this!-Nay, now a'has seen ine too-Cousin, I made bold to pass through as it were-l think this door's enchanted. Mrs. Mill. [Repeating] I pr'ythee spare me, gentle boy, Press me no more for that slight toy. Sir W. Anan? cousin, your servant. Mrs. Mill. That foolish trifle of a heartSir Wilfull! Sir W. Yes-your servant. No offence I hope, cousin? Mrs. Mill. [Repeating] I swear it will not do its part, Sir W. Anan? Suckling? No such suckling neither, cousin, nor stripling: I thank heaven, I'm uo minor. Mrs. Mill. Ah rustic, ruder than Gothic. Sir W. Well, well, I shall understand your lingo one of these days, cousin; in the mean while, I must answer in plain English. Mrs. Mill. Have you any business with me, sir VVilfull? Sir W. Not at present, cousin. Yes, I made bold to see, to come and know if that how you were disposed to fetch a walk this evening; if so be that I might not be troublesome, I sured man, confident of success. The pedantic would have sought a walk with you. Mrs. Mill. A walk? what then? arrogance of a very husband has not so pragmatical an air. Ah! I'll never marry, unless Sir W. Nay, nothing; only for the walk's I am first made sure of my will and pleasure. sake, that's all. Mir. Would you have 'em both before Mrs. Mill. I nauseate walking; 'tis a country marriage? Or will you be contented with diversion; I loathe the country, and every only the first now, and stay for the other till thing that relates to it. after grace? Sir W. Indeed! hah! look ye, look ye, you Mrs. Mill. Ah, don't be impertinent. My do? nay, 'tis like you may: here are choice dear liberty, shall I leave thee? My faithful of pastimes here in town, as plays and the solitude, my darling contemplation, must I bid like, that must be confess'd indeed." you then adien? Ay, adieu, my morning Mrs. Mill. Ah l'étourdi! I hate the town too. thoughts, agreeable wakings, indolent slumbers, Sir W. Dear heart, that's much-hah! that ye douceurs, ye sommeils du matin, adieu! you should hate 'em both! hah! 'tis like you I can't do't, 'tis more than impossible: posimay; there are some can't relish the town, tively, Mirabell, I'll lie a-bed in a morning and others can't away with the country, 'tis as long as I please. like you may be one of those, cousin. Mir. Then I'll get up in a morning as early Mrs. Mill. Ha, ha, ha! Yes, 'tis like I may. as 1 please. You have nothing further to say to me? Mrs. Mill. Ah! idle creature, get up when Sir W. Not at present, cousin. 'Tis like, you will; and d'ye hear, I won't be called when I have an opportunity to be more pri- names after I'm married; positively I won't vate, I may break my mind in some measure. be called names. Mir. Names! I conjecture you parily guess; however, that's as time shall try: but spare to speak and spare Mrs. Mill. Ay, as wife, spouse, my dear, to speed, as they say. joy, jewel, love, sweetheart, and the rest of Mrs. Mill. If it is of no great importance, that nauseous cant, in which men and their sir Wilfull, you will oblige me by leaving I have just now a little business. Sir W. Enough, enough, cousin: y all at ease; when you're disposed. well as another time; and ar well as now. All's one for your concerns call y. e. as wives are so fulsomely familiar; I shall never bear that. Good Mirabell, don't let us be es, familiar or fond, nor kiss before folks, like as my lady Fadler and sir Francis: nor go in public together the first Sunday in a new , yes, if chariot, to provoke eyes and whispers; and haste; it then never be seen there together again; as your if we were proud of one another the first week, and ashamed of one another ever after. Let us never visit together, nor go to a play together, but let us be very strange and well bred: let us be as strange as if we had been married a great while; and as well bred as if we were not married at all. will keep cold, as they say--cosin, Mrs. Mill. Ay, ay; ha, ha, ha! Mir. Have you any more conditions to offer? hitherto your demands are pretty reasonable. Mir. Like Daphne she, as lovely and as coy.Mrs. Mill. Trifles, as liberty to pay and Do you lock yourself up from me, to make receive visits to and from whom I please; to my search more curious? Or is this pretty write and receive letters, without interrogaartifice contrived, to signify that here the tories or wry faces on your part; to wear chase must end, and my pursuit be crown'd, what I please; and choose conversation with for you can fly no further? regard only to my own taste; to have no Mrs. Mill. Vanity! no, I'll fly and be fol- obligation' upon me to Converse with wit. low'd to the last moment; though I'am upon that I don't like, because they are your ac the very verge of matrimony, I expect you quaintance; or to be intimate with fools, beshould solicit me as much as if I were wavering cause they may be your relations. Come t at the grate of a monastery, with one foot dinner when I please, dine in my dressingover the threshold. I'll be solicited to the very room when I'm out of humour, without giving last, nay, and afterwards. a reason. To have my closet inviolate; to be Mir. What, after the last? sole empress of my tea-table, which you must Mrs. Mill. O, I should think I was poor, never presume to approach without first asking and had nothing to bestow, if I were reduced leave. And lastly, wherever I am, you shall to an inglorious ease; and freed from the always knock at the door before you come in. agreeable fatigues of solicitation. These articles subscribed, if I continue to Mir. But do not you know, that when endure you a little longer, I may by degrees favours are conferr'd upon instant and tedious dwindle into a wife. solicitation, that they diminish in their value, Mir. Your bill of fare is something advanced and that both the giver loses the grace, and in this latter account. Well, have I liberty the receiver lessens his pleasure? to offer conditions, that when you are dwindled Mrs. Mill. It may be in things of common into a wife, I may not be beyond measure application; but never sure in love. O, hate enlarged into a husband? a lover, that can dare to think he draws a Mill. You have free leave; propose your moment's air, independent on the bounty of utmost; speak, and spare not. his mistress. There is not so impudent a Mir. I thank you. Imprimis then, I cothing in nature, as the saucy look of an as- venant that your acquaintance be general; that you admit no sworn confidant, or intimate of-here, kiss my hand though-so hold your your own sex; no she friend to screen her tongue now, don't say a word. affairs under your countenance, and tempt Mrs. F. Mirabell, there's a necessity for your you to make trial of a mutual secresy. No obedience; you have neither time to talk nor decoy-duck to wheedle you a fop-scrambling stay. My mother is coming; and in my conto the play in a mask; then bring you home science if she should see you, would fall into in a pretended fright, when you think you fits, and may be not recover time enough to shall be found out; and rail at me for missing return to sir Rowland, who, as Foible tells the play, and disappointing the frolic which me, is in a fair way to succeed. Therefore you had to pick me up and prove my constancy. spare your ecstasies for another occasion, and Mrs. Mill. Detestable inprimis! I go to the slip down the back-stairs, where Foible waits play in a mask! to consult you. 1 Mir. Item, I article that you continue to Mrs. Mill. Ay, go, go. In the mean time, like your own face, as long as I shall: and I'll suppose you have said something to while it passes current with me, that you please me. endeavour not to new coin it. To which end, Mir. I am all obedience. [Exit. together with all vizards for the day, I pro- Mrs. F. Yonder's sir Wilfull drunk! and so hibit all masks for the night, made of oil'd-noisy, that my mother has been forced to skins, and I know not what-hog's bones, leave sir Rowland to appease him; but he hare's-gall, pig-water, and the marrow of a answers her only with singing and drinkingroasted cat. In short, I forbid all commerce what they may have done by this time I know with the gentlewoman in What-d'ye-call-it not; but Petulant and he were upon quarcourt. Item, I shut my doors against all pro- relling as I came by. curesses with baskets, and pennyworths of Mrs. Mill. Well, if Mirabell should not muslin, China, fans, etc.-Item, when you shall make a good husband, I am a lost thing; for be breedingI find I love him violently. Mrs. F. So it seems; for you mind not what's said to you. If you doubt him, you had better take up with sir Wilfull. Mrs. Mill. How can you name that superannuated lubber? foh! you Mrs. Mill. Ah! name it not. Mir. I denounce against all straight-lacing, squeezing for a shape, till you mould my boy's head like a sugarloaf, and instead of a manchild, make me father to a crooked-billet. Lastly, to the dominion of the tea-table I submit; but with proviso, that you exceed not in Enter WITWOULD from drinking. your province; but restrain yourself to native Mrs. F. So, is the fray made up, that and simple tea-table drinks, as tea, chocolate, have left 'em? and coffee. As likewise to genuine and autho- Wit. Left 'em? I could stay no longer-l rized tea-table talk-such as mending of fashions, have laugh'd like ten christenings-I am tipsy spoiling reputations, railing at absent friends, with laughing-If I had staid any longer, I and so forth-But that on no account you should have burst-I must have been let out encroach upon the men's prerogative, and and pierced in the sides, like an unsized campresume to drink healths, or toast fellows; for let-yes, yes, the fray is composed; my lady prevention of which I banish all foreign forces, came in like a noli prosequi, and stopt the all auxiliaries to the tea-table, as orange-brandy, proceedings. all anniseed, cinnamon, citron, and Barbadoes- Mrs. Mill. What was the dispute? waters, together with ratafia, and the most Wit. That's the jest; there was no dispute. noble spirit of clary.-But for cowslip-wine, They could neither of 'em speak for rage; and poppy-water, and all dormitives, those so fell a sputtering at one another, like two allow. These provisos admitted, in other roasting apples. things I may prove a tractable and complying husband. Enter PETULAnt, drunk. Mrs. Mill. O horrid provisos! filthy strong Now, Petulant, all's over, all's well; gad, my waters! I toast fellows, odious men! I hate head begins to whim it about-why dost thou your odious provisos. not speak? Thou art both as drunk and as mute as a fish. Mir. Then we're agreed. Shall I kiss your nand upon the contract? And here comes one to be a witness to the sealing of the deed. Enter MRS. FAINALL. Mrs. Mill. Fainall, what shall I do? shall have him? I think I must have him. Mrs. F. Ay, ay, take him, take him; should you do? Pet. Look you, Mrs. Millamant-if you can love me, dear nymph-say it-and that's the conclusion-pass on, or pass off, that's all. Wit. Thou hast utter'd volumes, folios, in I less than decimo sexto, my dear Lacedemonian. Sirrah, Petulant, thou art an epitowhat mizer of words. Pet. Witwould—you are an annihilator of Mrs. Mill. Well then-I'll take my death sense. I'm in a horrid fright-Fainall, I shall never say it-well-I think I'll endure you. Mrs. F. Fie, fie, have him, have him, and tell him so in plain terms: for I am sure you have a mind to him. Wit. Thou art a retailer of phrases; and dost deal in remnants of remnants, like a maker of pincushions-thou art in truth (metaphorically speaking) a speaker of short-hand. Pet. Thou art (without a figure) just one Mrs. Mill. Are you? I think I have-and half of an ass, and Baldwin yonder, thy halfthe horrid man looks as if he thought so too brother, is the rest-a gemini of asses split, -wel, you ridiculous thing you, I'll have would make just four of you. you—I won't be kiss'd, nor I won't be thank'd Mrs. Mill. What was the quarrel? |