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Sir J. Well, well, be that as it will. I must Enter DAVY, drunk. be upon my guard. What a dreadful place is So, you wicked wretch you-where bave you this! but 'tis all owing to the corruption of the been, and what have you been doing? times; the great folks game, and the poor folks Davy. Merry-making, your honour.-Lonrob; no wonder that murder ensues; sad, sad, don for ever!
sad!-well, let me but get over to-night, and Sir J. Did I not order you to come directly I'll leave this den of thieves to-morrow-how from the play, and not be idling and raking long will your lord and lady stay at this mask-about?
ing and mummery before they come home? Davy. Servants don't do what they are bid, Jes. 'Tis impossible to say the time, Sir; in London.
that merely depends upon the spirits of the Sir J. And did I not order you not to make company and the nature of the entertainment; a jackanapes of yourself, and tie your hair up for my own part, I generally make it myself like a monkey? till four or five in the morning.
Sir J. Why, what the devil! do you make one at these masqueradings?
Jes. I seldom miss, Sir; I may venture to say that nobody knows the trim and small talk
Davy. And therefore I did it—no pleasing the ladies without this my lord's servants call you an old out-of-fashioned codger, and have taught me what's what.
Sir J. Here's an imp of the devil! he is un
of the place better than I do; I was always done, and will poison the whole country-reckoned an incomparable mask.
sirrah, get every thing ready, I'll be going
Sir J. Thou art an incomparable coxcomb, directly.
I am sure.
[Aside. Davy. To bed, Sir?—I want to go to bed Jes. An odd, ridiculous accident happened myself, Sir.
Davy. I am a little, your honour, because have been drinking.
to me at a masquerade three years ago; I was Sir J. Why, how now-you are drunk too, in tip-top spirits, and had drunk a little too freely of the Champagne, I believe. Sir J. You'll be hanged, I believe. [Aside. I Jes. Wit flew about-in short, I was in spirits at last, from drinking and rattling, to vary the pleasure, we went to dancing; and who do you think I danced a minuet with? he, he! pray guess, Sir John!
Sir J. That is not all-but you have been bad company, sirrah?
Davy. Indeed your honour's mistaken, I never kept such good company in all my life. Sir J. The fellow does not understand me Sir J. Danced a minuet with! [Half aside.—where have you been, you drunkard? Jes. My own lady, that's all; the eyes of the Davy. Drinking, to be sure, if I am a drunkwhole assembly were upon us; my lady dances ard; and if you had been drinking too, as I well; and I believe I am pretty tolerable: after have been, you would not be in such a pasthe dance, I was running into a little coquetry sion with a body—it makes one so good and small talk with her. natured.
Dacy. I'll take what I can, to be sure, your worship.
Sir J. With your lady? Chaos is come again. Sir J. There is another addition to my mis[Aside. fortunes! I shall have this fellow carry into Jes. With my lady-but upon my turning the country as many vices as will corrupt the my hand thus [Conceitedly]-egad, she caught whole parish. me; whispered me who I was; I would fain have laughed her out of it, but it would not do;-no, no, Jessamy, says she, I am not to Sir J. Get away, you beast you, and sleep be deceived: pray wear gloves for the future; off the debauchery you have contracted this for you may as well go bare-faced, as show fortnight, or I shall leave you behind, as a that hand and diamond ring. proper person to make one of his lordship's
Sir J. What a sink of iniquity!-Prostitu- family. tion on all sides! from the lord to the pick- Davy. So much the better-give me more pocket. [Aside] Pray, Mr. Jessamy, among wages, less work, and the key of the ale-celyour other virtues, I suppose you game a little, lar, and I am your servant; if not, provide eb, Mr. Jessamy? yourself with another. [Struts. Jes. A little whist or so; but I am tied up Sir J. Here's a reprobate!-this is the comfrom the dice; I must never touch a box again. pletion of my misery! but harkye, villain, Sir J. I wish you was tied up somewhere go to bed- and sleep off your iniquity, and else. [Aside] I sweat from top to toe! Pray, then pack up the things, or I'll pack you off lend me your sword, Mr. Jessamy; I shall go to Newgate, and transport you for life, you to my room; and let my lord and lady, and rascal you.
[Eril my niece Tittup, know, that I beg they will Davy. That for you, old codger. [Snaps his excuse ceremonies; that I must be up and fingers] I know the law better than to be gone before they go to bed; that I have a frightened with moonshine: I wish that I was most profound respect and love for them, and to live here all my days, this is the life inand that I hope we shall never see one deed! a servant lives up to his eyes in clover; another again as long as we live. they have wages, and board wages, and Jes. I shall certainly obey your commands thing to do, but to grow fat and saucy-they -what poor, ignorant wretches these country are as happy as their master, they play fr gentlemen are! [Aside, and exit. ever at cards, swear like emperors, drink like Sir J. If I stay in this place another day, fishes, and go a wenching with as much ease it would throw me into a fever!-Oh!-I wish and tranquillity, as if they were going to a it was morning! this comes of visiting my sermon. Oh! 'tis a fine life!
A Chamber in LORD MINIKIN's shed, for my lord is certainly in the house-
Enter LORD MINIKIN and MISS TITTUP in
this moment at the masquerade-I spoke to Col. T. It can't be, I tell you; we left him him before I came out.
and not mine.
[Exit. Gymp. Yes, yes, Madam, to be sure it is Miss T. [Pulling off her mask] Upon my proper that you talk together-I know you word, my lord, this coming home so soon mean nothing but innocence-but indeed there from the masquerade is very imprudent, and will be bloodshed.
will certainly be observed-I am most incon- Col. T. The girl's a fool. I have no sword ceivably frightened, I can assure you-my by my side.
uncle Trotley has a light in his room; the Gymp. But my lord has, and you may kill accident this morning will certainly keep him one another with that-I know you mean noupon us thing but innocence, but I heard him our meetings till he goes into the country-I go up the back-stairs into his room, talking find that my English heart, though it has ven-with Jessamy. tured so far, grows fearful, and awkward to Lady M. Tis impossible but the girl must practise the freedoms of warmer climes have fancied this- Can't you ask Whisp, or [Lord M. takes her by the Hand] If you Mignon, if their master is come in? will not desist, my lord-we are separated for ever-the sight of the precipice turns my head; I have been giddy with it too long, and must turn from it while I can-pray be quiet, my lord, I will meet you to-morrow.
Lord M. To morrow! 'tis an age in my situation-let the weak, bashful, coyish whiner be intimidated with these faint alarms, but let the bold experienced lover kindle at the danger, and like the eagle in the midst of storms thus pounce upon his prey. [Takes hold of her. Miss T. Dear Mr. Eagle, be merciful; pray let the poor pigeon fly for this once.
Lord M. If I do, my dove, may I be cursed to have my wife as fond of me, as I am now of thee. [Offers to kiss her. Jes. [Without, knocking at the door] My lord, my lord!— Miss T. Ha!
Lord M. Who's there?
Lord M. Damn the fellow! What's the matter?
Jes. Nay, not much, my lord-only my lady's come home.
Miss T. Then I'm undone—what shall I do? 'll run into my own room.
Lord M. Then she may meet you-
Miss T. For Heaven's sake, put me into it, nd when her ladyship's safe, let me know, my lord.-What an escape have I had!
Gymp. Lord, my lady, they are always
Col. T. Zounds! I've got between two fires!
Col. T. [Runs to the closet] There's no retreat-the door is locked!
Lady M. Behind the chimney-board, Gymp. Col. T. I shall certainly be taken prisoner, [Gets behind the board] you'll let me know when the enemy's decamped.
Lady M. Leave that to me-do you, Gymp, go down the back stairs, and leave me to face my lord, I think I can match him at hypocrisy. [Sits down,
Enter LORD MINIKIN. Lord M. What, is your ladyship so soon returned from Lady Filligree's?
Lady M. I am sure, my lord, I ought to be more surprised at your being here so soon, when I saw you so well entertained in a têteà-tête with a lady in crimson such sights, my lord, will always drive me from my most favourite amusements.
Lord M. You find at least, that the lady, Lord M. The moment her evil spirit is laid, whoever she was, could not engage me to 'll let my angel out-[Puts her into the stay, when I found your ladyship" had left Joset]-lock the door on the inside come the ball. oftly to my room, Jessamy.
Lady M. Your lordship's sneering upon my Jes. If a board creaks, your lordship shall unhappy temper may be a proof of your wit, ever give me a laced waistcoat again. but it is none of your humanity; and thisbe[Exeunt on tiptoes. haviour is as great an insult upon me, as even your falsehood itself. [Pretends to weep. Enter GYMP, lighting in LADY MINIKIN and Lord M. Nay, my dear Lady Minikin, if COLONEL TIVY, in Masquerade Dresses. you are resolved to play tragedy, I shall roar Gymp. Pray, my lady, go no farther with away too, and pull out my cambric handkerhe colonel, I know you mean nothing but chief. nocence, but I'm sure there will be blood- Lady M. I think, my lord, we had better
retire to our apartments; my weakness and Sir J. [Speaks without] Lights this way, I your brutality will only expose us to our say; I am sure there are thieves; get a blunservants-Where is Tittup, pray? derbuss.
Lord M. I left her with the colonel-a mas- Jes. Indeed you dream it, there is nobody querade to young folks, upon the point of ma- but the family. trimony, is as delightful as it is disgusting to
[All stand and stare. those who are happily married, and are wise Enter SIR JOHN in his night-cap, his hanger enough to love home, and the company of drawn, with Jessamy. their wives. [Takes hold of her Hand. Sir J. Give me the candle, I'll ferret 'em Lady M. False man! I had as lieve a toad out, I warrant; bring a blunderbuss, I say: touched me. [Aside. they have been skipping about that gallery in Lord M. She gives me the frisson-I must the dark this half hour; there must be mispropose to stay, or I shall never get rid of chief-I have watched them into this room— her [Aside]-I am aguish to-night,-he-he-- ho, ho, are you there? If you stir, you are do my dear, let us make a little fire here, and dead men-[They retire]-and [Seeing the have a family tête-à-tête, by way of novelty. ladies] women too!-egad-ha! what's this? [Rings a bell. the same party again! and two couple they are of as choice mortals as ever were hatched in this righteous town-you'll excuse me, cousins! [They all look confounded. Lord M. In the name of wonder, how comes all this about.
Enter JESSAMY. Let 'em take away that chimney-board, and light a fire here immediately. Lady M. What shall I do? [Aside and greatly alarmed]-Here, Jessamy, there is no occasion I am going to my own chamber, and my lord won't stay here by himself. have you not got wrong partners?-here has [Exit Jessamy. been some mistake in the dark; I am mighty Lord M. How cruel it is, Lady Minikin, to glad that I have brought you a candle to set deprive me of the pleasure of a domestic duet-all to rights again-you'll excuse me, gentleto-A good escape, faith! [Aside. men and ladies!
Lady M. I have too much regard for Lord Minikin to agree to any thing that would af ford him so little pleasure-I shall retire to my own apartment.
Lord M. Well, if your ladyship will be cruel, I must still, like the miser, starve and sigh, though possessed of the greatest treasure [Bows] I wish your ladyship a good nightHe takes one candle, and Lady Minikin the other] May I presume- [Salutes her. Lady M. Your lordship is too obliging nasty man!
Sir J. Well, but harkye, my dear cousins,
Enter GYMP, with a candle. Gymp. What in the name of mercy is the matter?
Sir J. Why the old matter, and the old game, Mrs. Gymp; and I'll match my cousins here at it against all the world, and I say done first.
Lord M. What is the meaning, Sir John, of all this tumult and consternation? may not Lady Minikin and I, and the colonel and your niece, be seen in my house together without Aside. your raising the family, and making this upLord M. Disagreeable woman; [Aside. roar and confusion? [Wipe their lips and exeunt different ways. Sir J. Come, come, good folks, I see you Miss T. [Peeping out of the closet] All's are all confounded, I'll settle this matter in a silent now, and quite dark; what has been momentas for you, colonel-though you doing here I cannot guess-I long to be re- have not deserved plain dealing from me, lieved; I wish my lord was come-but I hear will now be serious-you imagine this young a noise! [She shuts the door lady has an independent fortune, besides esCol. T. [Peeping over the chimney-board] pectations from me-'tis a mistake, she has no I wonder my lady does not come - I would expectations from me, if she marry you; not have Miss Tittup know of this 'twould if I don't consent to her marriage, she will be ten thousand pounds out of my way, and I have no fortune at all. cannot afford to give so much for a little Col. T. Plain dealing is a jewel; and to gallantry.
Miss T. [Comes forward] What would my Colonel say, to find his bride, that is to be, in this critical situation?
Enter LORD MINIKIN at one door, in the dark.
Lord M. Hist! hist!
show you, Sir John, that I can pay you in kind, I am most sincerely obliged to you for your intelligence; and I am, ladies your most obedient, humble servant-I shall see you, my lord, at the club to-morrow?
Lord M. Sans doute, mon cher Colonel-
Lord M. Indeed! what is that, good Sir John' Sir J. You must meet your lawyers and creditors to-morrow, and be told what y have always turned a deaf ear to that the dissipation of your fortune and morals must [Going towards the chimney. be followed by years of parsimony and Miss T. Lord M. and Col. T. Here! here! pentance · -as you are fond of going abroad, Lord M. This way. you may indulge that inclination without having Lady M. Softly. [They all grope, till Lord it in your power to indulge any Minikin has got Lady Minikin, Lord M. The bumkin is no and the Colonel Miss Tittup.
fool, and is
Sir J. This kind of quarantine for pestilen-
Sir J. Will you resign your lady to me, my lord, for a time?
Lord M. For ever, dear Sir John, without a murmur.
Sir J. Well, Miss, and what say you? Miss T. Guilty, uncle. [Courtesying. Sir J. Guilty! the devil you are? of what? Miss T. Of consenting to marry one whom my heart does not approve; and coquetting with another, which friendship, duty, honour, morals, and every thing, but fashion, ought to have forbidden.
Lord M. What an abomination is this! that a man of fashion, and a nobleman, shall be obliged to submit to the laws of his country. Sir J. Thank Heaven, my lord, we are in that country! You are silent, ladies-if repentance has subdued your tongues, I shall have hopes of you-a little country air might Sir J. Thus then, with the wife of one under perhaps do well-as you are distressed, I am this arm, and the mistress of another under at your service-what say you, my lady? this, I sally forth a knight-errant, to rescue Lady M. However appearances have con- distressed damsels from those monsters, foreign demned me, give me leave to disavow the vices, and Bon Ton, as they call it; and I substance of those appearances. My mind trust that every English hand and heart here has been tainted, but not profligate-your kind-will assist me in so desperate an undertaking ness and example may restore me to my former-You'll excuse me, Sirs! natural English constitution.
THE MAYOR OF GARRATT,
Farce by Samuel Foote. Like most of Mr. Foote's farces, it is built on personal imitation, yet retains so much of original character, that the parts of the Major and Jerry Sneak will ever be of value to actors of talent.
SCENE I-SIR JACOB JOLLUP'S House at
Enter SIR JACOB JOLLUP,
Sir J. ROGER!
Roger. Anan, sir!
Sir J. Sir, sirrah! and why not sir Jacob, you rascal? Is that all your manners? Has his majesty dubb'd me a knight for you to make me a mister? Are the candidates near upon coming?
Roger. Nic Goose, the tailor, from Putney, they say, will be here in a crack, sir Jacob. Sir J. Has Margery fetch'd in the linen? Roger. Yes, sir Jacob.
Sir J. Are the pigs and the poultry lock'd
up in the barn?
Roger. Safe, sir Jacob.
yourself at the gate, and be careful who you
[Exit. Sir J. So, now I believe things are pretty secure. But I can't think what makes my daughters so late ere they-[4 Knocking at the Gate] Who is that, Roger?
Roger. [Without] Justice Sturgeon, the fishmonger, from Brentford.
Sir J. Gad's my life! and major to the Middlesex militia. Usher him in, Roger.
Enter MAJOR STURGEON.
I could have wish'd you had come a little sooner, major Sturgeon.
Maj. S. Why, what has been the matter, sir Jacob?
Sir J. There has, major, been here an impudent pillmonger, who has dar'd to scandalize the whole body of the bench.
Muj. S. Insolent companion! had I been
Sir J. And the plate and spoons in the here, I would have mittimus'd the rascal at pantry? Roger. Yes, sir Jacob?
Sir J. No, no, he wanted the major more
Sir J. Then give me the key; the mob will than the magistrate: a few smart strokes from soon be upon us; and all is fish that comes your cane would have fully answer'd the to their net. Has Ralph laid the cloth in the purpose.-Well, major, our wars are done; ball? the rattling drum and squeaking fife now wound our ears no more.
Roger. Yes, sir Jacob.
Sir J. Then let him bring out the turkey Maj. S. True, sir Jacob, our corps is disnd chine, and be sure there is plenty of mu- embodied; so the French may sleep în setard; and, d'ye hear, Roger, do you stand curity.
Sir J. But, major, was it not rather late in Maj. S. O yes. I was the only one of the life for you to enter npon the profession of corps that could ride; otherwise we always succeeded of course: no jumping over heads,
Maj. S. A little awkward in the beginning, no underhand work among us; all men of sir Jacob: the great difficulty they had was, honour; and I must do the regiment the jus to get me to turn out my toes; but use, use tice to say, there never was a set of more reconciles all them kind of things: why, after amiable officers.
my first campaign, I no more minded the Sir J. Quiet and peaceable. noise of the guns than a flea-bite. Maj. S. As lambs, sir Jacob. Excepting one boxing bout at the Three Compasses in Ac
Sir J. No!
Maj. S. No. There is more made of these ton, between captain Sheers and the colonel, matters than they merit. For the general concerning a game at all-fours, I don't regood indeed I am glad of the peace; but as member a single dispute. to my single self-and yet we have had some desperate duty, sir Jacob. Sir. J. No doubt.
Sir J. Why, that was mere mutiny; the captain ought to have been broke. Maj. S. He was; for the colonel not only
Maj. S. Oh! such marchings and counter-took away his cockade, but his custom; and marchings, from Brentford to Ealing, from I don't think poor captain Sheers has done a Ealing to Acton, from Acton to Uxbridge; stitch for him since. [Molossas? the dust flying, sun scorching, men sweating! Sir J. But you soon supplied the loss of -Why, there was our last expedition to Maj. S. In part only: no, sir Jacob, he had Hounslow; that day's work carried of major great experience; he was train'd up to arms Molossas. Bunhill-fields never saw a braver from his youth; at sixteen, be trail'd a pike commander! He was an irreparable loss to the in the Artillery-ground; at eighteen, got a Sir J. How came that about? [service. company in the Smithfield pioneers; and by Maj. S. Why, it was partly the major's the time he was twenty, was made aid-deown fault: I advised him to pull off his spurs camp to sir Jeffrey Grub, knight, alderman, before he went upon action; but he was re- and colonel of the yellow. solute, and would not be rul'd. Sir J. A rapid rise! Sir J. Spirit-zeal for the service. Maj. S. Yes, he had a genius for war; but Maj. S. Doubtless. But to proceed: in or- what I wanted in practice, I made up by der to get our men in good spirits, we were doubling my diligence. Our porter at home quartered at Thistleworth the evening before. had been a serjeant of marines; so after shop At day-break our regiment formed at Houns- was shut up at night, he us'd to teach me my low town's end, as it might be about here. exercise; and he had not to deal with a dunce, The major made a fine disposition: on we sir Jacob.
march'd, the men all in high spirits, to attack Sir J. Your progress was great. the gibbet where Gardel is hanging; but turn- Maj. S. Amazing. In a week I could shouling down a narrow lane to the left, as it der, and rest, and poize, and turn to the right, might be about there, in order to possess a and wheel to the left; and in less than a pig-sty, that we might take the gallows in month I could fire without winking or blinking. flank, and at all events secure a retreat, who Sir J. A perfect Hannibal! should come by but a drove of fat oxen for Maj. S. Ah, and then I learnt to form lines, Smithfield. The drums beat in the front, the and hollows, and squares, and evolutions, and dogs bark'd in the rear, the oxen set up a revolutions. Let me tell you, sir Jacob, it gallop; on they came thundering upon us, was lucky that monsieur kept his myrmidons broke through our ranks in an instant, and at home, or we should have pepper'd his flatthrew the whole corps in confusion.. bottom'd boats.
Sir J. Terrible!
[cape. Sir J. Ay, marry, he had a marvellous es Maj. S. The major's horse took to his heels; Maj.S. We would a taught him what a away he scour'd o'er the heath. That gallant Briton can do, who is fighting pro arvis and commander stuck both his spurs into the flank, focus.
and for some time held by his mane; but in Sir J. Pray now, major, which do you look crossing a ditch, the horse threw up his head, upon as the best disciplin'd troops, the Longave the major a dowse in the chops, and don regiments, or the Middlesex militia? plump'd him into a gravel-pit, just by the Maj. S. Why, sir Jacob, it does not become powder-mills.
Sir J. Dreadful!
was an unfortunate day for us all. Sir J. As how?
me to say; but, lack-a-day, they have never seen any service-Holiday soldiers! Why, I don't believe, unless indeed upon a lord-may
Maj. S. Whether from the fall or the fright, the major mov'd off in a month. Indeed it or's day, and that mere matter of accident, that they were ever wet to the skin in their Sir J. Indeed! [lives Maj. S. Why, as captain Cucumber, lieu- Maj. S. No! soldiers for sunshine, cockneys; tenant Pattypan, ensign Tripe, and myself, they have not the appearance, the air, the freewere returning to town in the Turnham-green dom, the jenny sequoi that-Oh, could you stage, we were stopp'd near the Hammersmith but see me salute! You have never a spo turnpike, and robb'd and stripp'd by a single toon in the house?
Sir J. An unfortunate day indeed!
Sir J. No; but we could get you a shove-pike,
Maj. S. But, in some measure to make me how are your fair daughters, sweet Mrs. Sak, amends, I got the major's commission.
Sir J. You did?
and the lovely Mrs. Bruin; is she as lively and as brilliant as ever?