Page images
PDF
EPUB

Sir J. Oh, fie, Molly!

Mrs. S. What, are you leagu'd against me, sir Jacob?

Sir J. Pr'ythee don't expose yourself before the whole parish. But what has been the occasion of this?

[ocr errors]

Sir J. Ay, ay, his locum tenens. Sneak. Do, Crispin, do be my locum tenens. Heel. Give me your band, master Sneak, and to oblige you I will be the locum tenens. Sir J. So, that is settled: but now to heal the other breach: come, major, the gentlemen Mrs. S. Why, has not he gone and made of your cloth seldom bear malice; let me inhimself the fool of the fair? Mayor of Gar-terpose between you and my son. ratt indeed! 'ecod, I could trample him under Maj. S. Your son-in-law, sir Jacob, does my feet. deserve a castigation; but on recollection, a Sneak. Nay, why should you grudge me cit would but sully my arms. I forgive him. my purfarment? Sir J. That's right. As a token of amity,

Mrs. S. Did you ever hear such an oaf? and to celebrate our feast, let us call in the Why thee wilt be pointed at wherever thee fiddles. Now if the major had but his shoes, goest. Lookye, Jerry, mind what I say; go he might join in a country dance. get 'em to choose somebody else, or never Maj. S. Sir Jacob, no shoes; a major must come near me again. be never out of his boots; always ready for Sneak. What shall I do, father sir Jacob? action. Mrs. Sneak will find me lightsome Sir J. Nay, daughter, you take this thing in enough.

too serious a light; my honest neighbours Sneak. What, are all the vomen engaged? thought to compliment me: but come, we'll why then my locum tenens and I will jig tosettle the business at once. Neighbours, my gether. Forget and forgive, major.

son Sneak being seldom amongst us, the duty,
will never be done; so we will get our ho-
nest friend, Heeltap, to execute the office: he
is, I think, every way qualified.
Mob. A Heeltap!

Heel. What, do you mean

remy's deputy?

as master Je

Maj. S. Freely.

Nor be it said, that after all my toil, I stain'd my regimentals by a broil. To you I dedicate boots, sword, and shield, Sir J. As harmless in the chamber as the field. [Exeunt

T

2

THE APPRENTICE,

Farce by Arthur Murphy. This is an ingenious satire on a pernicious folly prevalent among many young people, who, without the requisite talent, lose their time and reputation in attempts on the works of authors, who would he unable, in such hands, to recognize their own offspring.

[blocks in formation]

Enter WINGATE and SIMON.

Spouting Club.
Watchmen, etc.

Win. A villain, to give his father all this trouble. And so you have not heard any thing of him, friend?

un. As sure as

Simon. Not a word, sir, as I hope for matWin. NAY, nay, but I tell you I am con- cy; though, as sure as you are there, I believe! vinced I know it is so; and so, friend, don't can guess what's come on you think to trifle with me; I know you're any thing, master, the gipsies have gotten hold in the plot, you scoundrel; and if you don't on un; and we shall have un come home as discover all, T'll— thin as a rake, like the young girl in the city, with living upon nothing but crusts and water for six-and-twenty days.

Simon. Dear heart, sir, you won't give a body time.

Win. The gipsies have got hold of him, ye blockhead! Get out of the room.-Here you Simon!

Simon. Sir.

Win. Zookers! a whole month missing, and no account of him far or near!-Sirrah, I say he could not be 'prentice to your master so long, and you live so long in one house with him, without knowing his haunts Win. Where are you going in such a b and all his ways-and then, varlet, what brings ry? Let me see; what must be done? An you here to my house so often? diculous numskull, with his damned Cas Simon. My master Gargle and I, sir, are ders and Cloppatras, and trumpery; w bi so uneasy about un, that I have been running romances, and his Odyssey Popes, and apar all over the town since morning to inquire cel of rascals not worth 3 groat! Zokers! for un; and so in my way I thought I might I'll not put myself in a passion. Simen, do you step back to your master, my friend Gar

as well call here.

[ocr errors]

1

gle, and tell him I want to speak with him-He's now below stairs; I judged it proper to though I don't know what I should send for leave him there till I had prepared you for him for a sly, slow, hesitating blockhead! his reception.

he'll only plague me with his physical cant Win. Death and fire! what could put it and his nonsense.-Why don't you go, you into the villain's head to turn buffoon? booby, when I bid you?

Gar. Nothing so easily accounted for: why, Simon. Yes, sir. [Exit. when he ought to be reading the DispensaWin. This fellow will be the death of me tory, there was he constantly reading over at last! I have been turmoiling for him all plays, and farces, and Shakspeare. the days of my life, and now the scoundrel's Win. Ay, that damned Shakspeare! I hear run away. Suppose I advertise the dog?the fellow was nothing but a deer-stealer in Ay, but if the villain should deceive me, and Warwickshire. I never read Shakspeare. happen to be dead, why then be tricks me Wounds! I caught the rascal myself reading out of six shillings-my money's flung into that nonsensical play of Hamblet, where the the fire.-Zookers, I'll not put myself in a prince is keeping company with strollers and passion; let him follow his nose-'tis nothing vagabonds. A fine example, Mr. Gargle. at all to me--what care I?

Re-enter SIMON.

What do you come back for, friend?
Simon. As I was going out, sir, the post
came to the door, and brought this letter.

Win. Let me see it. The gipsies have got hold of him, ha, ha! What a pretty fellow you are! ha, ha!--Why don't you step where I bid you, sirrah?

Simon. Yes, sir.

Gar. His disorder is of the malignant kind, and my daughter has taken the infection from him. Bless my heart!-she was as innocent as water-gruel, till be spoiled her. I found her the other night in the very fact.

Win. Zookers! you don't say so? caught her in the fact?

Gar. Ay, in the very fact of reading a playbook in bed.

Win. Oh, is that the fact you mean? Is [Exit that all? though that's bad enough. Win. Well, well, I'm resolved, and it shall Gar. But I have done for my young mabe so I'll advertise him to-morrow morning, dam; I have confined her to her room, and and promise, if he comes home, all shall be locked up all her books. forgiven; and when the blockhead comes, I Win. Look ye, friend Gargle, I'll never see may do as I please, ha, ha! I may do as the villain's face. Let him follow his nose, please. Let me see he had on-slidikins, and bite the bridle. what signifies what he had on? I'll read my letter, and think no more about him.-Hey! three times a week to a spouting club. what a plague have we here? [Mutters to

Gar. Sir, I have found out that he went

Win. A spouting club, friend Gargle!

himself Bristol-a-what's all this? [Reads. What's a spouting club?

Esteemed friend,-Last was twentieth ul- Gar. A meeting of 'prentices, and clerks, timo, since none of thine, which will occa- and giddy young men, intoxicated with plays; sion brevity. The reason of my writing and so they meet in public-houses to act speechto thee at present, is to inform thee that es; there they all neglect business, despise thy son came to our place with a company the advice of their friends, and think of noof strollers, who were taken up by the ma-thing but to become actors. gistrate, and committed as vagabonds to Win. You don't say so! a spouting jail. - Zookers! I'm glad of it-a villain of Wounds, I believe they are all mad.

club! a fellow! Let him lie there-I am sorry thy Gar. Ay, mad indeed, sir: madness is oclad should follow such profane courses: casioned in a very extraordinary manner; the but out of the esteem I bear unto thee, I spirits flowing in particular channelshave taken thy boy out of confinement, and Win. 'Sdeath, you're as mad yourself as sent him off for your city in the waggon, any of them. which left this four days ago. He is consigned to thy address, being the needful ductsfrom thy friend and servant,

Wounds! what did he take the fellow out

Gar. And continuing to run in the same

Win. Ducks! damn your ducks! Who's

EBENEEZER BROADBRIM. below there? Tell that fellow to come up. Gar. Dear sir, be a little cool-inflammatofor? A scoundrel, rascal! turn'd stage-player-ries may be dangerous.-Do pray, sir, modeI'll never see the villain's face. Who comes rate your passions.

there?

Re-enter SIMON.

Simon. I met my master over the way, sir. Our cares are over. Here is Mr. Gargle, sir.

Win. Pr'ythee be quiet, man; I'll try what I can do. Here he comes.

Enter DICK.

Dick. Now, my good father, what's the matter?

Win. So, friend, you have been upon your

Win. Let him come in-and do you go down stairs, you blockhead. [Exit Simon. travels, have you? You have had your frolic?

Enter GARGLE.
So, friend Gargle, here's a fine piece of work
-Dick's turn'd vagabond!

Lookye, young man, I'll not put myself in a passion. But, death and fire, you scoundrel, what right have you to plague me in this manner? Do you think I must fall in love with your face, because I am your father? Dick. A little more than kin, and less than

Gar. He must be put under a proper regimen directly, sir. He arrived at my house within these ten minutes, but in such a trim. kind.

[Aside

Dick. Else, wherefore breathe I in a Chri

Win. Ha, ha! what a pretty figure you cut now! Ha, ha! why don't you speak, you stian land. blockhead? Have you nothing to say for your

self?

Win. Zookers! you blockhead, you'd better stick to your business, than turn buffoon, and Dick. Nothing to say for yourself. What get truncheons broke upon your arm, and be an old prig it is. [Aside. tumbling upon carpets.

Win. Mind me, friend, I have found you Dick. I shall in all my best obey you, daddy. out; I see you'll never come to good. Turn Win. Very well, friend-very well saidstage-player! wounds! you'll not have an eye you may do very well if you please; and in your head in a month, ha, ha! you'll have I'll say no more to you, but make yourself 'em knocked out of the sockets with withered useful; and so now go and clean yourself, apples-remember I tell you so. and make ready to go home to your business

Dick. A critic too! [Whistles] Well do--and mind me, young man, let me see no ne, old Squaretoes. more play-books, and let me never find that Win. Lookye, young man, take notice of you wear a laced waistcoat—you scoundrel, what I say: I made my own fortune, and I what right have you to wear a laced waistcould do the same again. Wounds! if I were coat?-I never wore a laced waistcoat!—neplaced at the bottom of Chancery-lane, with ver wore one till I was forty. But I'll not a brush and black-ball, I'd make my own for-put myself in a passion-go and change your tune again. You read Shakspeare! Get Co-dress, friend. cker's Arithmetic; you may buy it for a shilling on any stall-best book that ever was

wrote.

Dick. Pretty well, that; ingenious, faith! 'Egad, the old fellow has a pretty notion of letters.

you

Dick. 1 shall sir

I must be cruel, only to be kind: Thus bad begins, but worse remains behind. Cocker's Arithmetic, sir?

Win. Ay, Cocker's Arithmetic-study figures, [Aside. and they'll carry you through the world, Dick, Yes, sir. [Stifling a Laugh] Cocker's

[Exit.

Win. Can tell how much is five-eighths of three-sixteenths of a pound? Five-eighths of Arithmetic! three-sixteenths of a pound. Ay, ay, I see you're a blockhead. Lookye, young man, if I'll make a man of him. you have a mind to thrive in this world, study figures, and make yourself useful--make your self useful.

Win. Let him mind me, friend Gargle, and

Gar. Ay, sir, you know the world.-The young man will do very well-1 wish he were out of his time; he shall then have my daughter. Win. Yes, but I'll touch the cash-be shan't

Dick. How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world! finger it during my life.-I must keep a tight [Aside. hand over him-[Goes to the Door-Doye hear, friend?-Mind what I say, and go home

Win. Mind the scoundrel now. Gar. Do, Mr. Wingate, let me speak to to your business immediately.-Friend Gargle him-softly, softly-I'll touch him gently.-I'll make a man of him.

Come, come, young man, lay aside this sulky humour, and speak as becomes a son.

Dick. O Jephtha, judge of Israel, what a

treasure hadst thou!

Win. What does the fellow say?
Gar. He relents, sir. Come, come,

man, he'll forgive.

Re-enter DICK.

Dick. Who call'd on Achmet?-Did not Barbarossa require me here?

Win. What's the matter now?-Barossa! young-Wounds!-What's Barossa?-Does the fel low call me names?-What makes the bluck

Dick. They fool me to the top of my bent. head stand in such confusion? 'Gad, I'll hum 'em, to get rid of 'em -a iru- Dick. That Barbarossa should suspect my ant disposition, good my lord. No, no, stay, truth!

surdities.

that's not right-I have a better speech. [Aside] Win. The fellow's stark staring mad-get It is as you say when we are sober, and re- out of the room, you villain, get out of the flect but ever so little on our follies, we are room. [Dickstands in a sullen Mood. ashamed and sorry: and yet, the very next Gar. Come, come, young man, every thing minute, we rush again into the very same ab- is easy; don't spoil all again-go and change your dress, and come home to your business, Win. Well said, lad, well said-Mind me, Nay, nay, be ruled by me. [Thrusts him off. friend; commanding our own passions, and Win. I'm very peremptory, friend Gargle; artfully taking advantage of other people's, is if he vexes me once more, I'll have sailing the sure road to wealth.-Death and fire!-to say to him. Well, but now I think of it but I won't put myself in a passion. Tis my I have Cocker's Arithmetic below stairs in the regard for you makes me speak; and if I tell counting-house-I'll step and get it for him, you you're a scoundrel, 'tis for your good. and so he shall take it home with, him.-Friend Dick. Without doubt, sir. Gargle, your servant.

[Stifling a Laugh. Gar. Mr. Wingate, a good evening to you Win. If you want any thing you shall be You'll send him home to his business? provided. Have you any money in your pock- Win. He shall follow you home directly. et? Ha, ha! what a ridiculous numskull you Five-eighths of three-sixteenths of a poundare now! ha, ha! Come, here's some money multiply the numerator by the denominator! for you. [Pulls out his Money and looks at five times sixteen is ten times eight, ten times it] I'll give it to you another time; an so eight is eighty, and-a-a-carry one. [L. you'll mind what I say to you, and make yourself useful for the future.

Re-enter Dick and SIMON. Simon. Lord love ye, master-I'm so glad

you're come back-come, we had as good with horrid speech, you must take out your e'en gang home to my master Gargle's. white pocket handkerchief and cry bitterly.

Dick. No, no, Simon, stay a moment-this is but a scurvy coat I have on-and I know my father has always some jemmy thing lock'd up in his closet-I know his ways-He takes 'em in pawn; for he'll never part with a shil-| ling without security.

Simon. Hush! he'll hear us-stay, I believe he's coming up stairs.

[Teaches him. Simon. But I haven't got a white pocket handkerchief.

Dick. Then I'll lend you mine.

[Pulls out a ragged one.

Simon. Thank ye, sir. Dick. And when I am playing comedy, you must be ready to laugh your guts out, [Teaches him for I shall be very pleasantTolde-roll. [Dances.

Dick. [Goes to the Door, and listens] No, no-no-he's going down, growling and grumbling-ay, say ye so?"Scoundrel, ras- Simon. Never doubt me, sir. cal-let him bite the bridle.-Six times twelve Dick. Very well; now run down and open is seventy-two."-All's safe, man; never fear the street door; I'll follow you in a crack. him. Do you stand here-I shall dispatch this business in a crack.

Simon. I'm gone to serve you, master.
Dick. To serve thyself-for, lookye, Simon,

Simon. Blessings on him! what is he about when I am manager, claim thou of me the now?-Why the door is locked, master. care o'the wardrobe, with all those moveables, Dick. Ay, but I can easily force the lock-whereof the propertyman now stands possess'd. you shall see me do it as well as any sir John Simon. O lud! this is charming-bush! I Brute of 'em all—this right legam gone.

Simon. Lord love you, master, that's not your right leg.

Dick. Pho! you fool, don't you know I'm drunk?-this right leg here is the best locksmith in England-so, so.

Re-enter DICK.

|

[Going. Dick. Well, but harkye, Simon, come hither -what money have you about you, master Matthew?

Simon. But a tester, sir.

Dick. A tester!-that's something of the least, master Matthew-let's see it. Simon. You have had fifteen sixpences now. Dick. Never mind that-I'll pay you all at my benefit.

Simon. I don't doubt that, master-but mum.

[Exit.

[Forces the Door and goes in. Simon. He's at his plays again-Odds my heart, he's a rare hand-he'll go through with it, I'll warrant him - Old Cojer must not smoke that I have any concern-I must be main cautious-Lord bless his heart, he's to teach me to act Scrub. He begun with me long ago, · Dick. Thus far we run before the wind.and I got as far as the jesuit before a went An apothecary!—make an apothecary of me! out of town:- Scrub Coming, sir-Lord,-what, cramp my genius over a pestle and ma'am, I've a whole packet full of news-mortar, or mew me up in a shop with an some say one thing, and some say another; alligator stuft, and a beggarly account of empty but, for my part, ma'am-I believe he's a je-boxes!-to be culling simples, and constantly suit- that's main pleasant-I believe he's a adding to the bills of mortality!-No, no! it jesuit. will be much better to be pasted up in capitals-The part of Romeo by a young gentleman who never appeared on any stage before! Dick. I have done the deed.-Didst thou My ambition fires at the thought -But hold not hear a noise? -mayn't I run some chance of failing in my Simon. No, master; we're all snug. attempt-hissed-pelted-laughed at-not adDick. This coat will do charmingly. I have mitted into the Green-room.That will never bilked the old fellow nicely. -- In a dark cor-do-Down, busy devil, down, down. - Try it ner of his cabinet, I found this paper; what again.-Loved by the women, envied by the it is the light will show.-[Reads] I promise men, applauded by the pit, clapped by the to pay-Ha!-I promise to pay to Mr. Mo-gallery, admired by the boxes.-"Dear colonel, neytrap, or order, on demand-'Tis his hand is not he a charming_creature?"-"My lord, -a note of his-yet more-The sum of seven don't you like him of all things?"-"Makes pounds, fourteen shillings, and seven-pence, love like an angel!"-"What an eye he has!" calue received, by me-London, this 15th "Fine legs!""I'll certainly go to his beneJune, 1755.-Tis wanting what should follow fit."-Celestial sounds! And then I'll get in -his name should follow-but 'tis torn off-with all the painters, and have myself put up because the note is paid. in every printshop-in the character of Mac

scenes.

Simon. O lud! dear sir, you'll spoil all. I beth! This is a sorry sight. [Stands in_an wish we were well out of the house.. Our Attitude] In the character of Richard-Give best way, master, is to make off directly. me another horse; bind up my wounds.-This. Dick. I will, I will; but first help me on will do rarely-And then I have a chance of with this coat.-Simon, you shall be my dress- getting well married-O glorious thought!er-you'll be fine and happy behind the By heaven I will enjoy it, though but in fancy. -But what's o'clock? - It must be almost Simon. O lud! it will be main pleasant-I nine. I'll away at once: this is club-night.— have been behind the screens in the country. 'Egad, I'll go to them for awhile-The spoutDick. Have you, where? are all met-little they think I'm in town Simon. Why, when I liv'd with the man-they'll be surprised to see me. - Off I go, that show'd wild beastices. and then for my assignation with my master Dick. Harkye, Simon-when I am playing Gargle's daughter-Poor Charlotte! - she's some deep tragedy, and cleave the general ear locked up, but I shall find means to settle mat

ers

.

[ACT II.

ters for her escape-She's a pretty theatrical as well timber'd myself as any of them, and
genius.-If she flies to my arms like a hawk shall make a figure in genteel and top comedy.
to its perch, it will be so rare an adventure,
and so dramatic an incident-

Limbs do your office, and support me well;
Bear me but to her, then fail me if you can.

ACT II.

[Exit.

Scotch. I'll give you a speecimen of Mockbeeth.
Irish. Make haste then, and I'll begin Othello.
Scotch. Is this a dagger that I see before
me, etc.

Irish. [Collaring him] Willain, be sure you prove my love a whore, etc.

[Another Member comes forward with
his Face powdered, and a Pipe in
his Hand.

Mem. I am thy father's spirit, Hamlet-
Irish. You my father's spirit? My mother

SCENE I.-Discovers the Spouting Club. The President and Members seated. Pres. Come, we'll fill a measure the table| round. Now good digestion wait on appe-was a better man than ever you was. tite, and health on both. Come, give us a speech.

Scotch. Come now, I'll gee you a touch of Mocbeeth.

Dick. Pho! pr'ythee! you are not fat enough for a ghost.

Mem. I intend to make my first appearance in it for all that; only I'm puzzled about one thing, I want to know, when I come on first, whether I should make a bow to the audience? Watch. [Behind the Scenes] Past five o'clock, cloudy morning.

E

[ocr errors]

Dick. Hey! past five o'clock-'sdeath, I shall

1 Mem. That will be rare. Come, let's have it. Scotch. What dost lier at, mon?-I have had muckle applause at Edinburgh, when I enacted in the Reegiceede-and now I intend to do Mocbeeth-I seed the degger yesterneet, and I thought I should ha' killed every one miss my appointment with Charlotte; I have that came in my way. staid too long, and shall lose my proselyte, Irish. Stand out of the way, lads, and Come, let us adjourn. We'll scower the you'll see me give a touch of Othollo, my watch-confusion to morality--I wish the condear. [Takes the Cork, burns it, and blacks stable were married.-Huzza! huzză! his Face] The devil burn the cork-it would All. Huzza, huzza! not do it fast enough.

1 Mem. Here, here, I'll lend you a helping hand. [Blacks him. Knocking at the Door. Pres. Open locks, whoever knocks.

[merged small][ocr errors]

SCENE II. A Street.

[Exeunt

Enter DICK, with a Lantern and Ladder. Dick. All's quiet here; the coast's clearnow for my adventure with Charlotte; this ladder will do rarely for the business, though

Dick. How now, ye secret, black, and mid-it would be better if it were a ladder of ronight hags? What is't ye do?-llow fare pes-but hold; have I not seen something like the honest partners of my heart?What bloody this on the stage? yes I have, in some of the scene has Roscius now to act?-Arrah, my entertainments. Ay, I remember an apothedear cousin Mackshane, won't you put a re- cary, and here-about he dwells-this is my membrance upon me? master Gargle's; being dark, the beggar's shop Irish. Ow! but is it mocking you are? is shut; what, ho! apothecary! but soft-what Look ye, my dear, if you'd be taking me off light breaks through yonder window? It is the -don't you call it taking off?-by my shoul, east, and Juliet is the sun; arise, fair sun, etc. I'd be making you take yourself off. What, if you're for being obstroporous, I would not matter you three skips of a flea.

Dick. Nay, pr'ythee, no offence-I hope we shall be brother-players.

CHARLOTTE appears at a Window.
Char. Who's there? My Romeo?
Dick. The same, my love, if it not thee

displease.

Char. Hush! not so loud; you'll wakes my

father.

Dick. Alas! there is more peril in thine eye

Irish. Ow! then we'd be very good friends; for you know two of a trade can never agree, my dear. Dick. What do you intend to appear in? Irish. Othollo, my dear; let me alone; Char. Nay, but pr'ythee now; I tell you you'll see how I'll bodder 'em; though by my you'll spoil all. What made you stay so long? shoul, myself does not know but I'll be fright- Dick. Chide not, my fair; but let the god ened when every thing is in a hub-bub, and of love laugh in thy eyes, and revel in thy nothing to be heard, but "Throw him over." heart.

"Over with him"-"Off, off, off the stage." Char. As I am a living soul, you'll ruin -"Music." Ow! but may be the dear cra- every thing; be but quiet, and I'll come down turs in the boxes will be lucking at my legs, to you.

[Going

ow! to be sure-the devil burn the luck they'll Dick. No, no, not so fast; Charlottle, let give 'em, us act the garden scene firstDick. I shall certainly laugh in the fellow's [Aside.

face.

Char. A fiddlestick for the garden scene. Dick. Nay, then I'll act Ranger-up I go, Scotch. Stay fill you hear me give a spee-neck or nothing.

cimen of elocution.

Char. Dear heart, you're enough to frighten

Dick. What, with that impediment, sir? a body out of one's wits. Don't come Scotch. Impeediment! what impeediment? tell you there's no occasion for the ladder. I do not leesp-do I? I do not squeent; I am have settled every thing with Simon, and be's well leem'd, am I not? to let me through the shop, when he opens it. Dick. Well, but I tell you I would not give

Irish. By my shoul, if you go to that, I am

« EelmineJätka »